by Lucy | May 22, 2018 | biblical counseling, identity in Christ, thoughts
New heart, new desire, new life — every believer has this now. Crazy good truth, right? But sometimes we “forget,” don’t we? This article by guest writer Deborah Smith, which appeared first here on Reviving Your Heart, tells a story of we all need to heart: you are not what you were. Best of all, your hope is Christ. Her story is used with permission. Part 1 in a 3-part series.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come (2 Cor. 5:17).
On January 22, 1999, the Lord delivered me from drug addiction. He removed the desire for drugs and alcohol and replaced it with a deep desire for Him. He began a good work in me—one that He promises to complete until the day of Jesus Christ. (Phil. 1:5). My deliverance was so immediate and drastic, it was obvious to everyone who knew me that the Lord had done something miraculous!
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Yes, my new life is a bonafide miracle. And if you are in Christ, so is yours!
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As a Christian, the Lord says that we are “new creations,” equipped with new hearts that will desire new things and will live a new life.
When is the last time you really thought about that? When you do reflect on it, what do you think? Do you walk in that truth or do you think things like, I’m definitely better, but I’m not sure about new?
While it’s difficult for some of us to believe this amazing truth because we still see sin in our lives, I want to encourage you to change your thinking. Yes, we still struggle with sin, but we are new, not perfect. Because of the very fact that you are a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, you’re not the same person.
Consider these three beautiful truths:
- Christians have new hearts.
- Christians have new desires.
- And Christians have new life!
A New Heart
“I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezek. 36:26).
The first thing God does when He saves us is to give us a heart that’s sensitive to His Spirit and able to be shaped by His Word. Considering that we are told to guard our heart, for out of it flows the issues of life (Prov. 4:23), it makes sense that the Lord begins His work there. Maybe you think things like,
I’ve got so much growing to do . . . or my heart still ain’t right! . . . or I don’t feel new.
Well, beloved, feelings are real, but they are not facts . . . and the fact is that the moment you and I confessed with our mouth the Lord Jesus and believed in our heart that God raised Him from the dead, we were saved. From that day forward, we are being made new. Pretty astounding, right?
Oh, this was good news to me, because nineteen years ago, I desperately needed to be made new! And truth is I’m still in need, and I’m still being made new. Our justification is instantaneous, but our sanctification is a process, so press toward the mark and be patient with yourself. He is taking us from one degree of glory to the next (2 Cor. 3:18).
With a New Heart Comes Freedom
Before the Lord called us out of darkness into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9), we were slaves to sin. Sin was our master, and it was a taskmaster! Consider the number of times you said, I’m not going to do that again or I’m not going to respond like that again, but found yourself unable to exercise any control.
For some reading this, you may remember indulging in sexual sin and even being soul-sick over it, but yet you had no power to resist. Or some of us were so completely self-centered in our thinking that we had no regard for others. Or perhaps you were consumed with jealousy and covetousness or anger and unforgiveness.
I remember wanting to be free from drugs and its accompanying sin years before I stopped. And when the Lord delivered me from those most obvious signs of my total depravity, I still struggled with heart issues: resentment, lying, greed, lust. Before the Lord’s grace in my life, I had no choice but to “be that person.” My friends, that’s bondage.
Here’s the good news: The Lord died to set us free! His Word says that those whom the Son sets free will be free indeed (John 8:36). Do you believe God’s Word? We will not be perfect this side of glory, but we are being perfected (Heb. 10:14). We aren’t yet what we’re going to be, but we aren’t what we used to be either. God says we have actually been reborn. My prayer is that we would believe God and embrace our new life, live free from regret of our sinful past, and walk boldly as children full of His Spirit.
Stay posted, friends: Part 2 covers new desires. You want new desires from what God has for you, don’t you?
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | May 16, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions |
I made a monster counseling mistake . . . as a counselee. My mistake?
Assumptions! I wrongly assumed a Christian counselor would counsel according to the truths of the Bible.
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Before continuing, may I say this? There are wise Christian counselors trained as professional state-licensed counselors who counsel hurting people with the gospel of Christ. Perhaps you’ve received help from one of them. Maybe they pointed you to Jesus and to God’s words as the answer to your emotional problems. You are fortunate. That wasn’t my story.
Why I needed counseling: I was an emotional wreck. My thoughts raced, my appetite plummeted, and memories of sexual molestation in childhood by one family member and deep rejection by another bubbled up and I freaked.
My husband witnessed my tears, even my wailing coming from deep deep inside, a hiding place only God knew existed. My anger stuck him too. I tried to act normal near our four-year-old daughter. Now nearing 30, she says she doesn’t remember anything unusual about that tumultuous year. No doubt she picked up my tension and inattentiveness. When stressed I plopped her in front of the TV.
But Barney the Purple Dinosaur is a poor “babysitter” when a kid needs her mom, don’t you agree?
How the Counseling Mistake Began
Back in the 1990s, I thumbed the Yellow Pages, landed on “mental health” and picked a Christian counselor based on the word “Christian.” When I phoned his office, I failed to ask questions about his counseling approach. The listing said he got his degree from a well-respected Christian college, so he’d steer me to Jesus, right? Wrong.
My counselor, though a Christian, was a proponent of psychodynamic psychotherapy, including transference, a Freudian tool. Transference messed me up big.
Here’s a definition of transference:
In psychiatry, the unconscious tendency of a patient to assign. . .to the therapist of feelings and attitudes associated with a parent or similar person from childhood. The feelings may be affectionate (positive transference), hostile (negative transference), or ambivalent.
My counselor said through transference, I’d experience healing. Instead I became more confused, more anxious, more depressed. He said feeling a lot worse was also part of healing. To crunch this story into a sentence: I had dump this counselor.
From Counseling Mistake to Real Hope
Desperate for peace and wooed by Christ, I looked to biblical truth for the answers to my emotional pain. Like Elyse Fitzpatrick before me — who shares in Love to Eat, Hate to Eat how she ran to Christ and listened to God’s words to overcome an eating disorder — I also counseled myself with God’s words. God healed me of depression, though anxiety hung on.
A few years after the black cloud lifted, I stumbled on books on true Christian counseling, which I and others call biblical counseling. What a difference!
Biblical counseling weaves together God’s love and truth. It is comprehensive biblical wisdom and compassionate Christlike care. It addresses life’s problem (emotional and mental) with the hope Christ offers.
Here’s how Bob Kellemen describes the hope of biblical counseling in Gospel-Centered Counseling.
- Biblical counseling helps you and me to develop confidence in how we understand and view the Bible and real life.
- Biblical counseling helps you and me to develop the competence to use God’s words in solving real life issues.
We All Have Bad Days, Right?
Of course I still have bad days. And I keep making one mistake after another. We all do. My ongoing struggle with anxiety ended about three years ago when I took a very scary (to me!) chance and applied God’s words, no matter my feelings, to my various fears, including a highway driving phobia.
God continues to teach me who I am in Christ — loved, chosen, redeemed, forgiven, and more — and show me who he is: loving, compassionate, good, and holy. These are life-giving, hope-enlarging lessons. You see, I used to picture God as a dark, creepy giant ready to squash me for the tiniest mess-up. This is why I tried to be a good girl while believing lies that God screwed up when he made me.
Do you believe lies too?
Does Satan mess with your mind and convince you to believe his lives?
How My New Hope Became a Ministry
As God comforted me, I now comfort others through the ministry of biblical counseling. For nearly 20 years, I’ve counseled women and families in person and by Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp, using the word of God, and modeling care.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, ESV
Counselees come with every sort of life struggle. Among them are a young mom who experienced panic attacks, a 30-something woman in an difficult marriage, a confused college-age 20 year old who self-injures, a wife who feels rejected by her husband, a woman dealing with addiction, and many more.
Would you like help? I encourage you to reach out to a family member, a friend, or a pastor for help. If you’re interested you could learn more about biblical counseling in person on by Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp.
COUNSELING: Would you like a free consultation by phone to see whether biblical counseling could help you personally? Please contact me and let’s set it up.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Apr 2, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions
Powerful Promises: When hardships happen — and they will — God provides a pathway for you to endure them and escape temptation to sin.
Let me share several powerful promises in 1 Corinthians 10:13. I pray it helps you gain 4 insights:
- Hardships are unavoidable.
- You are not alone.
- God is faithful.
- You have a way out.
Here’s the verse penned by the apostle Paul:
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
Now let’s see these powerful promises.
Harships Happen
Right off, you can see that you will face hardships and temptation in this life. This is unnerving, isn’t it? And it’s a powerful promise no one likes! The term translated “temptation” in New Testament Greek carries the sense of temptation to sin or of trial to test and strengthen your faith.
For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10
Yes, you can count on hardships. Read 2 Corinthians 12:5-10. But what’s most important is how you handle them.
You Are Not Alone
Others have faced temptations and trials too. Throughout the bible you can read stories of those who’ve been rejected, harmed, abused, or tormented, and so on. Some have hungered. Others thirsted. Still others wanted to die.
Romans 15:4 provides encouagement:
For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
There truly is a purpose in your pain. Others have walked the path you’re on now; foremost, Jesus himself.
God Is Faithful
“God is faithful” — these are my favorite three words in 1 Corinthians 10:13. I am reminded, and remind my counselees, that God is caring and mighty and perfect. Nothing surprises him. He is with you in your hardship whether it is dealing with panic attacks or enduring depression or a difficult marriage.
But get this: How you handle your hardship is critical.
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When you handle your problems as God instructs, you’ll not only survive, you’ll be better off because of them.
I am reminded of my temptation to wallow in self-absorbed jealousy when life doesn’t go my way but she (whomever “she” is) has the perfect life (or at least how it looks on Facebook!). While this tempation dogs me from time to time, God has faithfully showed me his way. Now every time my thoughts begin to trip me in the comparison trap, I remind myself that I am already amazingly blessed and that I have everything I need in Christ. Having this action plan to take my eyes off myself and onto Jesus, I think of his powerful promises.
You Have an Escape
Among his powerful promises is “a way out.” But a way out from what? From the hardship? No. Another biblical counselor reminded me that God’s powerful promise is a “way out” of a sinful response to temptation. It is not a way out of the hardship.
God provides a pathway to escape sin in the midst of hardships and trials and temptations.
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Real quick, let’s move to verse 14: “Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry.” This “therefore” connects the verses 13 and 14.
So God’s powerful promises provide a pathway for you to endure hardship and escape sin. Yes, hardships happen. But you are not alone. God is faithful and he provides a “way out.” As you choose to believe these powerful promises, you’ll draw near to Jesus and continue to seek his answers.
Counseling Hope to Your Heart,
by Lucy | Mar 6, 2018 | biblical counseling, whole health wellness
Rest. Would you love to rest like Jesus? Eliza Jane Huie shares practical insights to enjoy the guilt-free rest you need. Her article appeared first on the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permission.
If sleep were a spiritual gift, then my husband has it. Not only does he have the amazing ability to take cat naps just about anywhere he chooses, but I have never known him to lose sleep over anything. If he needs rest, he simply finds a place he can lay down or sit, closes his eyes, and within a few minutes he is out. His slow breathing (and sometimes snores) indicates that he is not just resting his eyes. He is asleep. Everything else will wait while he rests. I admit there I times I really envy him.
I am the total opposite. Not only do I need all the right conditions to go to sleep (peaceful surroundings, darkness, and a quiet mind), but I need all those conditions to stay there.
It is not only sleep that does not come easy to me, but rest is also hard. The demands of the many hats I wear can take over my life, and I am continually busy with the next thing and thinking about the next thing after that.
As I sat one morning feeling familiarly overwhelmed and thinking of all I had to do that morning, that day, and that week, I wondered what I would say to myself if I had to counsel myself on this issue of resting in God. So, this blog post is written to me, knowing all I know about myself. You can listen in, but I write to me.
Dear Self,
You have a ministry and calling. And you are a wife and helper, a mother, a teacher, and a friend. You are a part of the body of Christ and you need to serve and worship. Also, you also are tasked with the duties of planning, organizing, and leading in multiple areas of life. You are busy. Indeed you have many commands that the Lord has given to you and you desire to fulfill them. But he has also called you to rest.
3 Definitions of Resting
1. Resting is trusting God.
It is trusting God with all the demands and busyness. It is agreeing with God that you have limits. Rest says everything is not in your hands or in your control. Allowing yourself to live within your limits allows you to see God work despite your efforts but it also causes yourself to see that He will ultimately take care of all that He has given you.
2. Resting is imaging God.
When you rest you imitate God. Despite how life may feel, you are not busier than God
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. He will always have more to do than you do. Even at the very beginning, at the very unfolding of history we see a very active God setting aside time from his creative work and resting (Genesis 1-2).
3. Resting is obeying God.
The demands of life are loud. They fight for attention every moment of the day. So much so that they can drown out the commands of our Lord. The reality that God has told you to rest can easily be forgotten. Obedience may feel more important to you when you are doing lots of work but setting it aside and remembering that he has called you to rest is also obeying Him. He has called you to rest.
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 65:2
Making Peace with Resting
Just like sleep, rest does not come easy for me. I never seem to have the right conditions. At times it feels like I don’t have the ability to simply rest. At other times I fight against it. But as I sit and counsel myself I agree that this is exactly what I must embrace as I juggle all the busyness of life. As you have listened to my own personal counseling session perhaps you too can relate?
Lord, help me to trust you, to be more like you, to obey you, to rest.
Counseling Hope to Your Heart,
by Lucy | Jan 30, 2018 | emotions, relationships
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren need hope and help. Are you parentining your grands? Are you counseling a grandmom or grandpa who is emotionally exhausted? Guest writer Linda Jabobs was a single mom who learned firsthand the emotional and support needs of broken families. She has assisted countless single-parent families and their children.
Grandparents who parent their grandchildren come in all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are healthy. Others aren’t. Some are financially stable. Others live on a fixed income. Many are married. And many are single. And some are in second and third marriages. But no matter the age, health condition, marital status, or finances, raising grandchildren is emotionally tough.
To help you and your church minister well to emotionally exhausted grandparents, we’ll look at reasons why parenting grandchildren is so emotionally taxing, emotional challenges faced by grandparents who raise their grandchildren, and ten ways your church can help.
Parenting Grandchildren: Emotionally Exhausting!
1. They weren’t prepared for the responsibility
Grandparents may not have had time to prepare for the arrival of the grandchildren. This in itself causes stress, as the grandparents are trying to figure out how they feel about taking on the responsibility of the grandchildren. After all, they are used to spoiling the grandchildren and seeing them only on short visits.
Now the grandchildren will not be leaving, and the grandparents will be on duty 24/7 every day of the year. And there will be no more sending the grandkids home when grandma and grandpa get exhausted and want some peace and quiet.
2. They didn’t want the responsibility
A step-grandparent explained it this way.
We just found out my husband’s son has had his kids taken away from him. The state called and wants us to bring these kids to live with us. The grandchildren have been in a drug-infested home and have been neglected. Since meth [methamphetamine] was found in the home, the kids can’t bring anything with them. Everything they owned, even their blankets, has been confiscated.
Here’s the deal, I raised my kids in a Christian home. I’m sorry his ex-wife didn’t raise his kids that way. I raised my kids to be good parents. I didn’t marry him to raise his grandkids. To be honest with you, I am angry because I don’t want to have to raise little children that I don’t know and to which I have no emotional attachment.
This step-grandparent, like many step-grandparents, has a lot of emotional issues to overcome if she and her husband are going to provide an emotionally and spiritually healthy home environment. But step-grandparents aren’t the only ones who feel as if their grandchildren have been forced upon them.
Many grandparents parenting again have shared that it is a lonely existence. Most of their friends fall by the wayside because the grandparents now have a different lifestyle. They don’t have as much free time to do the things they used to do with their friends. Many will have to resign from positions in your church because of time restraints. So tell them you understand and it’s okay, as they are now ministering to their own family. God will bless them.
3. The grandchildren have experienced trauma
Trauma and loss affect many of these little ones. Even after the grandparents are able to help the children get control of their behavior and have provided a stable home life, issues can crop up. Here is one grandfather’s story:
My son divorced his first wife. He remarried and brought my grandson into the new marriage. His new wife never treated my grandson well. My son cut off all contact with us, and we didn’t see our grandson for years. One day I was driving past an elementary school and I thought I saw my grandson on the playground. I called Child Protective Services, identified myself, and found out my grandson had been taken away from my son. They didn’t have my contact information, so I had never been contacted.
After several months of wrangling, I was able to bring my grandson home with me. He had experienced some horrific abuse over the years. He was run over by a truck. He had been burned and admitted to the ICU at one point. I was so overwrought at what this precious child had experienced.
One day at school his grandson had gotten so out of control that the school called the grandfather to pick up his grandson. The teacher said that the child had been happy when he came to the classroom, but within a few minutes he began screaming and started throwing things. She said they had an exciting day planned and were celebrating Mexican heritage and had salsa and chips for the kids.
What the teacher didn’t know was that when the child was three years old, the stepmom had punished him repeatedly by pouring Tabasco sauce on his tongue. When the child smelled the Tabasco sauce, his mind went back to the trauma and child abuse, and he flipped out. Now the grandparents had to again grieve what had happened to their grandson when he was younger.
Emotional Toll of Parenting Grandchildren
One of the issues that makes grandparenting these kids difficult is the emotional toll. There is always a reason grandchildren have to live with the grandparents. Many times the reason brings great stress to the grandparents. Here are emotional issues grandparents may encounter when grandchildren are thrust upon them:
- Grieving the loss of their own child or the divorce of their adult child
- Parental failure and guilt: They may experience guilt that somehow the divorce, or whatever situation resulted in the parent not being able to parent the child, was their fault because they weren’t model parents themselves
- Having to put their wants, such as retirement, on hold
- Resentment at not wanting to parent full time again
- How to cope with caring for a child at my age
- How to deal with being both a grandparent and a parent to the child
- Just wanting to be the “fun” grandparent who gets to send the child home at the end of the day
And There’s the Emotional Price
We can also add to the emotional price of raising grandchildren the following:
- Loss of their dreams for their own child
- They may feel overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities
- They may feel sad/depressed
- Some grandparents will feel extreme anger at their own child for not being a better parent to the grandchildren
- Some will be embarrassed about their family’s situation; they may not want to talk about it or let others know they are struggling
- Many have problems concentrating, organizing, and problem solving due to the extreme stress parenting at their age brings
- Some elderly will just not want to adapt to this new family structure and will feel extreme stress at feeling like they have to provide for their grandchildren
- Relationships with other family members may be affected
10 Ways Your Church Can Help
There are many ways the church can assist grandparents who are overwhelmed and struggling emotionally. Here are some ideas that you and/or a care ministry leader could offer and do, or ask other lay leaders to put into place.
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Look for these grandparents in your congregation.
If anyone hears about people taking in their grandchildren, make sure a lay leader reaches out to them who is willing to walk alongside them and keep abreast of their emotional struggles and concerns.
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Have a care ministry leader or other lay leader pray with them.
This, combined with step one, will go a long way in letting the grandparents know they are valued and remembered.
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especially in the case of a single grandparent. Ask other people in the congregation, perhaps a family with children the same ages as the grandchildren, to take the kids for a Saturday or for a weekend.
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Organize a fishing trip…
for the grandpa to go on with other men his age, and encourage other women to invite the grandma to a day at a spa. Provide free child care.
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Provide parenting classes or resources for parenting traumatized children.
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Give tips or classes on new technologies.
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Find a parent with children the same ages…
to help the grandparents get the grandchildren registered in school and purchase school supplies. Elderly grandparents may simply not know what some items on a school list are.
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Teach or provide resources to your lay leadership about the effects of trauma on children.
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Teach lay leaders how to mentor and love these grandparents and grandchildren.
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When you speak on parenting, be sure to address and affirm grandparents who parent their grandchildren.
Helpful Scripture for Grandparents
Here are some examples of Scriptures that can be passed on to the grandparents (emphasis added):
- Psalm 103:17 “But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children …” (ESV)
- Proverbs 17:6 “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.” (ESV)
- Psalm 145:4 “One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” (ESV)
- Psalm 78:4b “… we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done.”
Grandparents can make a huge difference in stopping generational divorce and other issues such as addictions and poor life-living choices. Churches can walk alongside the grandparent-headed families and help them succeed.
Linda’s post first appeared on CareLeader.org, October 6, 2016, here.
Counseling Hope to Your Heart,
