Depressed, Pamela Donnan tried hard to overcome the darkness. She read books on depression, signed up for Bible studies, one after another, prayed and prayed, and talked to a couple close friends at church about her deep dark sadness. . .but she couldn’t crawl out of her black hole.
She tried. Oh, how she tried.
Again and again. Nothing was working. Have you ever been there? Are you there now? Is a loved one?
Safe to Share?
In many churches, the stigma of depression shuts up women who sit in the pews. I’ve experienced it. So has Pamela.
She says her former pastor’s wife advised her, “Everything you need is right in here,” punctuated by a slap on the Bible cover. This woman did not suggest that Pamela talk to a counselor or see a physician. Chances are, she wouldn’t tell a diabetic in the congregation to stop taking insulin or someone with high blood pressure to flush her pills. Or a. . .
Oops, my anger is showing.
I hate — yes, hate — the attitude among some church folks including pastors and their wives that you gotta do do do to be accepted by Jesus. One more prayer. One more program. One more, one more, more more.
FALSE. Do-do-doing — whether prescribed to a depressed woman or ANYONE — denies the gift of grace. It’s kinda like telling Jesus that his death and resurrection has no power, no use, no meaning.
The truth: As our Redeemer, Jesus took our place on the Cross and died in our stead. We deserved death, but by faith we received life in Christ. We believers are now under grace not under law.
Swallowing Lies
For a spell, Pamela swallowed the Law lie. She used to think: If only I had more faith. If only I prayed more. If only I woke earlier for my devotion. . .then maybe, just maybe, God would accept me.
At age 35, she hit bottom and wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Ever. She ended up in the ER then on the psych floor. Doctors diagnosed severe clinical depression. Anything but surprised — for her grandfather committed suicide and numerous relatives have depression — Pamela finally got help.
Click here to listen to a podcast on the stigma of depression in the church.
Skype Counseling: When you want help for emotional problems like depression or relational problems like parenting a wayward child, why not consider biblical counseling with me? Stop by my counseling page for more information.
Counseling Hope to Your Heart,
I have lived Pamela’s story to a degree also…my church turned their back on me when I was depressed, grieving the death of my beloved father, overwhelmed by raising a family alone while my husband was deployed. The church “family” that gave the promise of taking care of their own unconditionally ended up having many…and my needs didn’t fall in to categories that they felt were needed. I heard them say:
“If you are depressed pick yourself up and do something about it! Get involved.”
“You’ve grieved long enough get over it and get in to life!”
“It’s NOT all about YOU…ya know, there are others who are going through much harder things than you.”
“What do you mean you need a meal? Having a husband on deployment isn’t a need….we have people who are sick, have had surgeries…”
“You are overwhelmed…well, maybe you shouldn’t have had another child…maybe you should have stopped at three.”
I had people turn the other way in the halls…not speak to me at all after services…I even had the Pastor tell me that being needy and depressed all the time was not Christian…OK!!
Boy o Boy would I like to talk to you about this topic…it is also something that keeps me from returning to church fellowship….I have been hurt in a grand way by those who profess to be Christian and followers…there is a stigma…but most importantly they do not have the patience for some one in depression…they are just needy folk that can not add to the work of the church.
YES, YES, YES AND AMEN X’S A MILLION!!!!!! THE CHURCH NEEDS TO SEE AND HEAR THIS TRUTH!!!! WAKE UP AND QUIT PUSHING THE HURTING AWAY BY YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS!!!! I’VE BEEN BLOGGING ABOUT THIS MYSELF. I’VE BEEN IN THESE SHOES, AND I KNOW HOW THIS FEELS…IT’S EVEN TOUGHER WHEN YOU ARE IN THE POSITION AS A PASTOR’S WIFE!!!! LET’S LEARN TO BE COMPASSIONATE EXAMPLES THAT CHRIST HAS CALLED AND SHOWED US TO BE!!!!!!!
I posted a link from my blog directly back to this blog! This message needs to be seen and heard!! Thank you for allowing me to share it!
On this journey,
Cherry
Thanks for the comments. I figured this topic would hit a nerve. I’ve been there too. Even had a pastor’s wife tell me the faithless take medication for depression/anxiety/bipolar/etc. Get the word out, please. Tell your friends about the show on Tuesday at 1 pm CT.
Many many blessings to you!
Amy,
What a horrible experience! I’ve heard people (Christians!) say some of these exact things. It’s a travesty. Shoot the wounded?! God help us.
I’m gonna apologize right now to you for the church people who had these insensitive, hurtful comments. I am so sorry.
We can talk anytime, Amy. There’s a place of belonging for you in the Body of Christ. You matter. May our Great Physician continue to heal you, as I know he will.
Cherry and Amy, thank you for your comments.
I am so sorry you have had to experience this, but hopefully we can be used to go back in for others that have bought the lie.
Amy, I am also a ‘church dropout’. That, and a pastors wife………what an oxymoron that is. Do not be discouraged. God knows right where youre at and He will watch out for you. I gave up on church for a season, but never gave up on Jesus…. I knew He was real…. but I had to leave church to find Him.
Lucy, thanks for giving us a forum to speak from…. blessings dear sis!
Excellent comment, Pamela. 🙂
Loved the radio show. A topic so wide spread and so unknown. I am a current “church dropout”. I’ve been to pretty much every church I could find and found myself not “worthy” of church. That in itself was a catalyst to deepen the depression I now help manage with medication. Thank God for Grace and the Revoluntionaries getting it out there. Thank you Pamela and thank you Lucy. Depression and all the other “labels”, alcoholism, homosexuality, etc. etc…..are issues people deal with, it is not who they are. As a matter of fact, some of the most wonderful people I know deal with the issues of alcohol, homosexuality and depression. I want to be up there in Heaven with them!
Thank you JoLea,
you make a good point, ‘it is not who they are’, it is simply a heart issue that results in a behavior – all related to identity.
Change the heart and the behavior changes. We need to quit making the issues the issue and introduce them to their Savior….. the One that gave His life while WE WERE YET IN OUR SIN! It didnt trip Him up, it shouldnt trip us up!
We have not only encouraged the masks in church we have superglued them in place…….. sad to say.
Just got done listening to the radio show. How refreshing to hear a heartfelt talk about a very real subject in so many of our lives. I too am a Christian women who has delt with depression a majority of my life. It is under control (most of the time) with medication. Also because of the wonderful grace message and the journey of REALLY discovering the person of Jesus and who I REALLY am in Him.
GREAT topic! Not only has this encouraged people in the church or who have been hurt by the church….but it may just turn a light on in people who haven’t been diagnosed…you may have given them the permission and GRACE to get help….they/you haven’t failed…Jesus doesn’t want them walking in denial..He wants them walking whole and healed…like you said on the radio, the map in the mall…you have to know where you are to get where He wants you…which is complete wholeness…on whatever path He leads you on! Thank God for giving us doctors and medicine…for giving us His Hope. Jesus met us where we were/are at…He is just that good!
Thanks Lucy for broaching a topic almost always swept under the rug. I know Pamela very well (I better) and I have watched her help hurting people by sharing the reality of life and the hope in Jesus Christ together. I watched as one church-goer barely found the boldness to share her deepest secret – “she was on anti-depressants”. When Pamela replied “yea, so what do you want to share?” I saw relief come over the person’s face as she realized her biggest fear was a non-issue.
You see you can’t start to heal or move past an event you can’t admit. So the devil has capitalized on the church’s inability / unwillingness to admit Christians aren’t perfect and wrestle with some of the same issues as people outside the church doors. So the secrecy hasn’t fooled anyone, its only kept people bound to secrecy and their pain.
Our greatest life-struggles become a tool for hope if we let God use them. Some may remember Sheila Walsh who used to be Pat Robertson’s co-host until she suddenly disappeared. Years later she shared that she suffered an emotional melt down that left her hospitalized and ultimately resulted in a divorce. Whole and active today, she made this awesome statement I hope is a source of encouragement for many. She said “My brokenness has been a better bridge to Jesus than my pretend-wholeness ever was.”
We carry this treasure in earthen vessels (cracked pots) so the excellency of glory may obviously be His (not ours). We may be a cracked pot – so what? That’s how the light got in, and that’s how it’s going to shine out.
Amazing comments. Thanks, Paul, for supporting Pamela. 🙂
I’m reading Sheila’s latest book now. She — like many Christians — thought her diagnosis of severe clinical depression disqualified her from serving. She figured church people would want nothing to do with her.
You know the story. Her admission of a difficulty provided an outlet for other Christian women to be heal with their brokenness and share their secrets.
Most Christians think they have to get all pretty for church and act pretty in church and pretend they live pretty problem-free lives. Not until we connect with others in deep ways will be know the blessing of our brokenness and the blessing of sharing our pain and letting others share freely.
Why do we think we have to have our lives together at church? Fear, probably. Fear of rejection. Lies we believe about ourselves and others and even God.
I pray that we find real connection among believers. We’re all messy, one way or another. Let’s embrace embrace the truth of our brokenness and find healing in Christ together.
I thank you ladies for these comments re: “church dropouts”. My husband is one and I struggle with it every single week. I so want it to be a family affair when we go to church.
Thank you for helping me see his side of this.
Jennifer,
God bless you! Take the time and listen to the podcast highlighted in the fourth paragraph of this blogpost. It’s an hour. Everyone need encouragement when they’re hurting, and depression hurts the entire family.
Blessings, Lucy