Married to a Passive Husband? (part 2)

Married to a Passive Husband? (part 2)

Christian wives with passive husbands are hurting and need counsel in order to choose thoughts, words, and actions that are honoring to Christ. In part one, we looked at two counseling sketches and defined passivity in a husband.

Today, we’ll consider how a counselor might best counsel the wife of a passive husband, including the outworking of anger, self-pity, fear, and loneliness as well as hope.

This article, which appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Coalition, has been updated and edited for length. It is the second part of a two-part series on counseling the wife of a passive husband. Read the first part now. –LAM

Start Here

The wife needs hope. A counterintuitive way to give hope is helping her understand and apply Matthew 7:3-5 to her own life.

The counselor might draw a circle on a whiteboard and say, “If this circle represents 100 percent of the problems in your marriage, how much would you say is your fault?” And if she answers, “30 percent is my fault, and 70 percent is his fault,” then the counselor might respond, “All right. God wants you to be 100 percent responsible for your 30 percent.”

Often in counseling the wife of a passive husband, three main counseling scenarios arise. One is the the domineering wife who refuses her husband’s leadership, and in time he gives up leading. A second is the submissive wife truly desires to follow her husband, but he fails to provide biblical leadership. And a third is the confused wife. She sometimes submits to her passive husband’s leadership (which is commonly inconsistent) and at times balks.

Counseling the Domineering Wife

The domineering wife may complain that her husband fails to make decisions or to lead, so she “had” to take charge. It’s quite possible he attempted to lead in the past, but she was critical and he withdrew.

In the case of 40-year-old Debra, this attack-withdraw pattern worsened around the time their teenage son got into serious trouble at school. The husband wanted to severely discipline the son, but the wife insisted on a softer approach.

When tried to stand his ground, she retaliated. She criticized her husband at home and at church and felt justified in doing so, figuring this would make him agree with her.

The counselor confronted Debra and helped her examine her own heart (2 Cor. 13:5), repent of sin, and trust God to change her husband’s passivity in the marriage. Debra also reviewed Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and Proverbs 31 to gain a clearer understanding of godly submission.

Counseling the Submissive Wife

In contrast, the submissive wife of a passive husband truly wants to follow her husband’s leadership but often feels hurt and fearful, and seeks counseling for her suffering.

She needs instruction of what biblical submission looks like as well as encouragement to draw near to the Lord and guard her heart and mind (Phil. 4:7). In some ways, she is like the wife described in 1 Peter 3:1-6 who is married to an unbeliever won over without words by her pure and reverent behavior.

Counseling the Confused Wife

This wife desires change yet holds grudges, so the counselor needs to help her see her own sins of self-pity and anger. Rather than focusing on her husband’s failings, she needs to pray for him and ask God to help her be a suitable helper. In so doing, she’ll not only encourage her husband to be a godly leader but also minister to him.

Another great help is for a spiritually mature male mentor to come alongside her husband and teach him biblical leadership skills. In fact, this made all the difference in the heart of one of my counselees. As her husband’s mentor invested in him, he learned how to lead his wife and family—something that was sorely lacking in the example from his abusive childhood home.

Meanwhile, I admonished her to submit to her husband and bless him rather than insulting him (1 Pet. 3:9). She learned that even if her husband is passive, she can still put her hope in the Lord and be kind and compassionate.

She can remember her identity in Christ and all that Jesus accomplished on the cross for her sins and refuse to entertain self-loathing or despairing thoughts. Indeed, she can choose what is better (Luke 10:42) and listen deeply to the Word, knowing true contentment.

Questions for Reflection

When counseling a wife who complains about her husband, do you tend to assume his passivity is in reaction to her domineering spirit? How do you guard against quick judgments?

3 Things to Learn from a Mistake

3 Things to Learn from a Mistake

My mistake began as many bad things do. . .with no warning.

I had skipped my gym workout. So to appease my guilt, I decided to stretch gently for a few minutes then do 25 full sit-ups. Bad mistake. You see, very soon I’d injure myself. And soon after my physical injury, emotional pain would hit me upside the head.

And as my pain worsened — physical and emotional — I learned 3 lessons I’ll share in just a moment.

Have you made a mistake too? What pain did you experice?

My Sit-Up Mistake

Now back to my sit-up story.

On that day which I’d love to erase from the calender, I tucked my feet under the couch, laid on my back, and rolled all the way up. (Seriously, friends, do NOT perform sit-ups this way. Too late I learned this truth from Bob and Brad, popular YouTube physical therapists. Check out this video of 15 exercises to never do.)

On my eighth full sit-up, something in my back felt weird. But I pressed on and completed two more sit-ups, far short of my goal. I rubbed my back and called it a day — and didn’t think much of my situps

  until the next morning

when I awoke to an intense clenching in the muscles in my lower back and numbness in my legs. I elbowed my snoozing husband.

mistakes

 

“Steve, something’s wrong. I need your help. Steve, wake up.”

I worried. (Yes, I know worrying is a sin.) Yes, pain had gotten my attention.

More Problems Hit

As I rested and got pampered by my family who cooked, laundered, and swept, as my cats curled next to me, I found out that a close family member needed daily injections. Nothing life threatening, but just another thing to handle. Time passed. My back injury lingered. And my emotional pain intensified. Dare I admit, I asked “Why me?”

I remember thinking and praying,

“God, the doctor said I should be better in four to eight weeks. I’m not. Walking and standing hurts, and my legs and feet feel bubble-wrapped, and now a family member is hurting. Help us.”

Then, health difficulties slammed two more family members and I prayed again.

And again.

More intensely.

Louder.

Desperately.

You may have heard this quote by C.S. Lewis:

God whispers to us in our pleasures. He speaks to us in our conscience, but He shouts to us in our pain. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

God was rousing me.

3 Take-Ways After a Mistake

You and I each have dealt with mistakes of all sorts–physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. Until we see Jesus face to face, more pain will come. Sometimes a drizzle, sometimes a thunder and lightning and darkness.

As I’ve pondered these things and sought God’s counsel, I learned three things from my mistake.

1. God wants to meet with us. In other words, He wants us to talk with him and listen to him, prayerfully. Psalm 10 is great example.

2. God blesses you and me. Ephesians 1:3 underlines the truth that we who love Jesus have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. Every means every. You do not need to get more blessing. You have it all. Now.

3. Whatever happens as a result of a mistake, God knows what He is doing, for his glory and our good. It’s unimportant we understand it all. God does. He is in control. I am not.

What’s the bottom line? I believe God is good and sovereign and all-wise. He remains true when I falter. And so I hope in him. Even when I’ve made a mistake. Even when pain comes.

Question: What have you learned when you’ve made a mistake? If you have a moment, please leave a comment.

Counseling Hearts to Hope!

 

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are you telling the truth? This question invites us to consider the validity of our thoughts and to replace the lies we silently tell ourselves with life-giving truth.

Have you noticed this phenomenon and do you believe the lies you tell yourself? Such as:

“I’m not good enough.”

“Ugly. . .that’s me.”

“Idiot, idiot, idiot.”

“No one cares.”

“You’ll never change.”

Sound familiar? We women bash ourselves, don’t we? You. Me. Everyone. An article in The Atlantic estimates that we say thousands upon thousands of words and phrases to ourselves each day. And often what we say about ourselves isn’t true.

Why do we do this? And how can we stop?

The Reason We Lie

Verbal-bashing began long ago. You may recall the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible. All was perfect in the garden until Satan in the form of a serpent slithered on the scene and spoke a lie to Eve, and she believed him. His lie:

You shall not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it [a tree that God had said was off-limits] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:4-5

She believed her enemy, chopped the fruit, and died. Not immediately, but eventually. And she doubted God’s goodness. Shame filled her. Then she and Adam sewed fig leaves to cover up.

When I lie to myself, I am believing my enemy. You too.

A lie I used to tell myself A LOT: “You’re defective, Lucy.” Thankfully, I finally listened to God while in a pit of despair and agreed with him that I am precious. I am precious because he says so.

Begin Speaking Truth

What lies do you tell yourself about yourself? Would you like to replace the lies with the truth about you. And this truth is beautiful, sweet sister.

So here’s how to start telling yourself the truth. These two steps are simple to remember. This is the good part. But if you have a habit pattern of repeating lies to yourself, then you’ll need to have an action plan and enact it.

1. Recognize the lies you say to yourself.

2. Replace the lies with the truth.

In my example of “You’re defective, Lucy,” I replaced this lie with the truth, “God says you’re precious … because you’re his child.” Every time I spoke the “you’re defective” lie to my soul, I then spoke the truth. Over time I caught my lie more and more quickly, and replaced it ASAP. Soon I very rarely said this lie to myself.

So speak the truth about youself. And keep on identifying more lies and replace them with truth. Soon you’ll notice you’ll speak truth in love to yourself and to the people God has put in your path. Your family, your friends, the dog sitter, the Walmart cashier, a stranger.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be acceptable in your sight,
    Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

COUNSELING BY SKYPE/FACETIME

Lucy has Skype-counseled women and families throughout the United States and the world, including China, Germany, the UK, Sweden, Paraguay, and Australia. Read more about biblical counseling in general as well as important information on Skype/Facetime counseling.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

“I’d Only Be Happy If. . .”

“I’d Only Be Happy If. . .”

Many of us say, “I’d only be happy if. . .” and then chase after temporal things like success, security, love, and acceptance. Donna Hart, PhD, listed here on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, helps us think through what we value most. Her article first appeared here on her website and is used with permission. (Edited for length –LAM)

If you had to write down your dream for a happy life, what would you write? What would be your “if onlys”? How would you complete the sentence, “God, if you gave me this…then I could be happy”?

The events that occur in John 6 open our eyes to a clash that is going on between what people think “a happy life” should look like and how God might define it. In the account Jesus takes a little boy’s lunch and turns it into a meal for 5,000 people with 12 baskets of food left over.

The talk among the happy people must have been buzzing. “This is it,” they probably surmised. “He is the Messiah! He is the One we must make him king! And then we’ll be happy.”

A Curious Conversation

happyBut Jesus doesn’t play their game. He withdraws and goes to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. In John 6:25 the people catch up with him and a curious conversation ensues. They ask, “Rabbi, when did you get here?” Jesus responds,

Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you.

The people ask what they must do to do the work of God. Jesus replies, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.”

“Give Us a Sign!”

They wonder what sign he will give them so that they would believe. Jesus responds,

Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.

The people ask that they could have that bread. Jesus then responds,

I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe.

Clearly, the people were not getting the point; the physical blessing of bread was pointing to a much deeper spiritual reality. The people were not pursuing Christ out of a humble willingness to follow him as the Messiah. Instead, they were pursuing him for selfish gain and a hope that he would be the One who met their felt needs, their happy place.

Do You Want What God Wants?

What do you want from Christ? Whose dream are you bringing to Him? Is your dream nothing more than a happy life of ease?

1 Peter 1:3-5 gives us an understanding of what we have been given in Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

Do we understand what we have been given? We have been chosen to be saved by God’s mercy. Our sins have been forgiven. We are a part of God’s family and have an inheritance waiting for us. Yet how often do we grumble, “That’s wonderful, but what about now?”

Let’s get a bigger picture of God’s goal and vision for us!

The message from God is that he is producing in us something greater, fuller, and deeper: a genuine faith.

Truly Abundantly Happy Life!

The blessings that God gives us are meant to point to a deeper and much fuller blessing, the blessing of the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ in our lives. Abundant life is not our relationships with husbands, wives, significant others, or children. It is not what we own or our jobs.

Abundant life is Jesus Himself; He is abundant life.

Jesus says that He is the bread of life. What kind of bread do we hunger for and feed on? Do we sometimes find ourselves acting like the people in John 6 who pursued Jesus only for the bread and fish? We can be coming to Jesus because we are holding on to our dreams and hoping somehow Jesus will help us achieve them.

If we are living for earthly bread, then we are going to be disappointed when we don‘t get it. But if we are living for a deeper communion with God, then all our relationships will become a place to live out that communion. And, yes, we’ll be truly happy.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

New Heart, New Desires, New Life! part 3

New Heart, New Desires, New Life! part 3

New heart, new desires, new life! You have a new life in Christ. So it makes sense to not dwell on your past, right? Instead, embrace your true identity in Christ. 

This article by guest writer Deborah Smith, which appeared first here on Reviving Your Heart, tells a story of we all need to hear. Her story is used with permission. Part 3 in a 3-part series. Here’s part 1 and part 2.hope icon

Consider these three beautiful truths:

  • Christians have new hearts.
  • Christians have new desires.
  • And Christians have new life!

So fear, we’ve heard Deborah’s story of overcoming addiction.  Plus she shared how God developed new desires in her heart. Now let’s look at her new life in Christ.

There’s No Sense Dwelling on Your Sinful Past

We are not supposed to dwell on or glorify our sinful past. So I believe that God highlights those sins and reminds us that we were once slaves to those things for a reason. But thanks be to God that He came on a rescue mission. And we are now called “the righteousness of God” (2 Cor. 5:21).

Listen, our lives are not to be characterized by sin. Indeed, We have new hearts and new desires and new life in Christ.

“The old has passed away, BEHOLD, all things have become new!”

John MacArthur says that “maturing means we will sin less but we will feel worse.” What he means is that we won’t be sinless (not this side of glory), but walking with the Lord creates intimacy and closeness.

Therefore, the light of Christ shines brighter and hits all the cracks and crevices in our lives. We have been given new hearts that have become intolerant to sin. More and more, we lose the ability to be okay with even the slightest sin.

So a harsh word becomes a big deal. And a good deed left undone becomes something that bothers us. No more “big sin and little sin.” God hates it all, and so do we!

Delighting in Your New Life

My friends, my desire is that if you are a woman who came to the Lord having had a very sinful and sorted past, that you would know that you are no less pure than the little six-year-old girl who came to know the Lord at VBS.

If you are the six-year old who came to the Lord in VBS, I want you to recognize that you needed to be saved and redeemed as much as the sixty-year-old ex-prostitute. And you should give God praise for that.

If you are a sister who did not come to the Lord as a virgin, you are still marriage material. And if you are a sister who has kept yourself pure and deeply desires a husband, know that you are fully new and complete in Christ alone.

If you are the one who had a child out of wedlock but are now part of the Bride of Christ, you are not disqualified. And if you got married at eighteen, have four beautiful children, and are still married to the same man, Christ must still have first place in your heart.

The truth is, Christian sister, we all have been washed in the blood of Jesus. And He says we are clean and that He is now our treasure. So go forth as a redeemed daughter of the King—glorifying Him with your new life!

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Find GOD's Freedom from Anxiety

 Get My FREE Anxiety Helper Pack!

Choice is a wonderful gift from God. You do NOT have to be stuck in self-focused anxiety. You can find God’s freedom.

You have Successfully Subscribed!