Married to a Passive Husband? (part 1)

Married to a Passive Husband? (part 1)

Married to a passive husband? We’ve all heard of the “perfect” husband. He’s attentive and understanding, a lover of the home. And you’ve also read sick stories of wife beaters and serial adulterers. Disgusting!

But what if your guy falls has simply “checked out”? Life with him isn’t horrible but it’s lonely. What’s a wife to do? Let’s first see if he fits the definition of a passive husband.

This article, which appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Coalition, has been updated and edited for length. It is the first part of a two-part series on counseling the wife of a passive husband.-LAM

Passive husband, defined

A passive Christian husband fails to lovingly lead his wife in the marriage. He may play video games into the night. He may stay late at work, or the bar, or the country club. Or he may be “just a roommate” who’s physically present but emotionally absent.

For one reason or another he has checked out.

The Oxford Dictionary defines passive as “accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance.” Another description of a passive husband is one who refuses to lead his wife, spiritually or otherwise.

The opposite of a passive husband is one who fulfills his responsibility of leadership. Stuart Scott writes in The Exemplary Husband,

“The husband’s leadership is a mandate from God, as such is a privilege and responsibility.”

The foundational biblical mandate to husbands on active leadership is Ephesians 5:25-27. Also, God commands a husband to faithfully, rightly, and actively lead his wife in a manner that shows him to be “above reproach” (1 Timothy 3:2).

So the wife takes the initiative

Rarely does a passive husband seek counseling first. Remember, he’s passive. Usually the wife calls for an appointment to handle her feelings of anger, discontent, and fear.

Typically she has prayed for him to change and to act like an Ephesians 5 man. Perhaps she has also thrown this scripture in his face or nagged. But what she learns in counseling is to think biblically about her circumstance.

Interestingly and contrary to what some people think, a wife of a passive husband does not always nag or dominate her husband. Sometimes she chooses a godly response of maintaining a quiet spirit and trusting God. (You’ll see a sketch of this woman in a moment.)

The truth is, when a passive husband fails to lead his wife in the marriage, the wife may respond to him sinfully or rightly (or both). Either way, she is hurting and needs counsel in order to choose thoughts, words, and actions that are Christ-honoring.

2 pictures of a passive husband

These sketches, based on a compilation of actual cases of Christian couples, underscore the need to counsel in the heart of Proverbs 18:13 with the wisdom of 2 Timothy 3:16-17.

In the first sketch the wife quickly admitted she often complained and held bitterness toward her husband, whom she blamed for her problems. In the second sketch, the wife wanted counseling to learn to help her son deal with his anger.

Domineering Debra

This 40-year-old stay-at-home mom had legitimate suffering. When her husband became upset with her or their children, ages 6 to 15, he often stomped out of their home in response to her nagging — she admitted she did this — and stayed at his parents’ place for days at a time.

In retaliation, it seems, he also removed her name from a bank account, which prevented her from using a debit card to buy groceries and other items from stores. Instead, he gave her envelopes of cash. Some may charge that he was financially abusive. What do you think?

However, Debra came alone to counseling. In the office, she quick to point out his mistakes and slow to admit her own wrongdoing in the marriage or examine her own choices (2 Cor. 13:5).

Her heart’s cry: I am a victim. He is wrong to withdraw from me and the marriage. He needs to change.S

Submissive Susie

Though her husband “checks out” by spending hours in their garage after work rather than in the home with her and their two children, Susie did not nag him or complain. Rather, she consistently displayed a quiet hope in Christ.

Data gathering revealed that her husband commonly drank six to eight cans of beer nightly but was able to hold down a job that paid their bills. He admitted his need to lay off the booze and engage the family. He also acknowledged that his failure to do so may be part of the reason their preteen son was becoming increasingly belligerent, the reason for the counseling appointment.

Susie respectfully agreed, admitting that she formerly nagged her husband to join family dinners. Now she left it up to him, praying continually for him and asking God to help her maintain a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Pet. 3:4).

Her heart’s cry: I hate my husband’s passivity, but I am hoping in the Lord. God will be a husband to me and a father to my children while I wait on Him.

Husband leads, wife submits

As Scripture directs a husband to lead his wife, it also informs the wife to submit to her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). Yet the culture in general and feminists in particular push back against biblical submission, providing objections such as, “Is the woman just supposed to let her husband walk all over her?” But Scripture does not espouse “doormat theology,” or total submission (as in the case where a husband asks his wife to sin).

A submissive wife acknowledges she has a different God-given role than her husband. In fact, “male domination is a personal failure, not [b]iblical doctrine,” Martha Peace writes in The Excellent Wife.

The fall brought strain between the sexes. Specifically, Genesis 3:16 decrees, “To the woman [God] said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.’”

Some commentators assert that “desire,” as used here, means the wife would suffer conflict with her husband or domination by her husband. But other commentators like Ed Welch say this interpretation of the passage is lacking.

In fact, he expresses concern that it might embolden counselors to make hasty decisions concerning the woman before they understand her. He says counselors (or pastors) “would begin with a theory—women are prone to a quest for power and control—and then we would find evidence for our theory, whether it is there or not.”

In Part Two, we will consider how a counselor might best counsel the wife of a passive husband, relying heavily on 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Ephesians 5:22-32, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and passages dealing with anger, self-pity, fear, loneliness, and hope.

Questions for Reflection

How do you provide effective counseling when only the wife seeks counseling? How do you encourage the submissive wife whose husband has passively retreated from the marriage?

COUNSELING: Considering counseling by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom? Set up an appointment or contact me with your questions?

4 Tips to Help Overly Sensitive Wives

4 Tips to Help Overly Sensitive Wives

HELP & HOPE for overly sensitive wives! Has your husband claimed you’re overly sensitive? Maybe you are overly sensitive. Maybe you aren’t.

Scroll to the 4 tips below. 

This article by biblical counselor Andrea Lee appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition website and used with permission.

Touchy. Moody. Easily offended. Has your husband ever said this about you? Does he walk on eggshells around you or fear you will misinterpret his comments? Are you overly sensitive to his assessment of your performance or character?

To define my terms, an “overly sensitive wife” is excessively hurt by the delivery and content of her husband’s comments.

Her emotional frailty makes playfulness in the marriage rare. Furthermore, she overreacts to any reproof, making it hard for her husband to help her grow. Instead of overlooking a poorly timed comment or opinion with love, she is devastated. She is allergic to criticism and assumes her husband is trying to hurt her.

Let me be clear.

There are times when you as a wife must address issues of biblical obedience or conscience with your husband.

You should confront your husband if he maliciously uses humor, constantly criticizes, or is regularly harsh and irritable. Such provocation is ungodly and if this is a pattern, discuss this with him, and if needed, seek help from your pastor or a biblical counselor.

But often believing husbands are not being malicious. Nonetheless, you might find yourself provoked, offended, and hurt. Even though your husband could grow in his ability to gently reprove you, you know you’re part of the problem.

Such emotionally disproportionate responses never lead to peace. As you examine the ways you contribute to low-grade conflict in your marriage, pay attention to the following four areas.

sensitive wives

1. Realize the connection between desires and interpretations

Our values and desires shape how we interpret our experiences. In other words, the things we desire, cherish, and love more than God influence the way we make sense of conversations and circumstances.

For example, because a wife wants to be perfect in an area (mothering, housekeeping, decorating, fashion, cooking, poise, entertaining, etc.), she might overreact when her husband mentions a weakness. The problem isn’t that her husband is wrong or spiteful, but rather she has assigned too much value to this area.

2. Recognize the link between idolatry and pride

When our desires are frustrated, we can respond with unreasonable hurt and irritation. This is idolatry. Idolatry is looking to, clinging to, and trusting in something other than God in order to achieve a desired experience or outcome (Is. 44:17; Hab. 2:18; Col. 3:5).

We either want what God says is wrong, or we want a good thing too much. Foundationally, idolatry serves self. We use things or people to exalt us or to give us pleasure, comfort, control, and approval.

Overly sensitive wives seek fulfillment in their achievement or performance. We are willing to pout, cry, or withdraw when our husbands minimize our efforts. This happens because we’ve merged performance with identity: “If I don’t perform perfectly, then I’m not worth anything.” This may sound like humility, but it’s really pride.

What are some signs that pride may be at work in your life? Stuart Scott pinpoints several markers of pride that fuel oversensitivity. These markers include being  …

  • devastated or angered by criticism
  • focused on self and wanting self to be elevated
  • consumed with what others think
  • defensive
  • convinced that you have little sin and others are more sinful
  • disheartened because you are not perfect and have weaknesses.

3. Repent of specific manifestations of idolatrous pride

So what are some desires that create conflict in this area?

Perfectionism

An overly sensitive wife focuses on areas where she wants to be the best. She wants her performance to merit approval from others. And when it doesn’t, she is devastated and reacts with quiet hurt or loud defensiveness.

Fear of Man

Perfectionism and fear of man go hand-in-hand.

The hypersensitive wife wants to be perfect so that others will praise her and have no ground for judging her. When she focuses on her husband’s evaluations and stops worshiping God, her performance takes center stage.

It devastates her when she fails to meet her own standards. Instead of repenting of pride and the way she exalts herself, she lashes out at the one who draws attention to her “failure.”

Control

We all use control as a strategy to get what we want.

And the overly sensitive wife believes she knows best and if everyone would do things her way, life would work at optimal speed and enjoyment. She is quick to defend her motives and ignore her sin. She wants to be seen as blameless in all ways and is unaware that her motives are mixed. And she underestimates how sinful she is and is easily hurt when her husband questions her motives.

Use these descriptions to evaluate the way pride impacts your interactions with your husband. This will help you repent more thoroughly and change more deeply.

4. Respond with worship and love 

Our God of all grace (1 Pet. 5:10) can help you to lay aside destructive sensitivity and to put on humble love for Christ and others. Turn to him. 

  • Ask God for grace and wisdom to repent of wanting your husband to regard you as perfect and worthy of constant praise.
  • Pray God will help you to cherish Christ’s perfection and put away attempts to establish your own righteousness.
  • Thank God He empowers your love and service (1 Pet. 4:11) and causes you to grow (1 Pet. 5:10; 1 Thess. 5:23-24).
  • Choose to believe the best about your husband. Assume he has good motives unless he confesses otherwise (1 Cor. 13:4-8; cf. 1 Cor. 4:5)
  • Focus on loving your husband and praying for him rather than on being loved perfectly by him (Phil. 2:3). Only Christ will love you perfectly.

What fuels your over-sensitivity?

1 Stuart Scott, From Pride to Humility (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2002), 6-10. 2 For more on the ways sin is natural, see Ed Welch, Crossroads: A Step-by-Step Guide away from AddictionFacilitator’s Guide (Greensboro: New Growth Press, 2008), 31.

Want Help?

It’s miserable to be overly sensitive, right? You’re often anxious, afraid, and just plain sad. May I suggest that you consider getting help from a trusted Christian friend, a pastor, or a biblical counselor?

A great resource is Heart2Heart Counselor Directory! See it here. Look over the personal profile pages of experienced and vetted female biblical counselors, listed by location and speciality. Nearly all Heart2Heart counselors also counsel by Skype/Facetime too.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

 

2 Top Marriage Complaints!

2 Top Marriage Complaints!

Christians wives have two top complaints in marriage. And both concern the lack of male leadership in the home. See guest writer Julie Ganschow’s page here on our Heart2Heart Counselor Directory. Her article appeared first here and is reprinted with permission. (Edited for lenth. –LAM)

Looking for a female biblical counselor? Go here.

Want to be listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory? Check this out.

Common Complaints!

Common complaints from Christian wives include the following:

Many of these wives share the same qualities. They are Bible literate, faithful church attendees, and clearly love the Lord. Some are willing to be honest with themselves and recognize their culpability in their marital problems.

But the majority believe the husband is mostly at fault. These women focus on all the things the husband does wrong. And they find it very hard to examine themselves on a deep enough level for a biblical conviction to be produced over their own sin.

Isn’t it far too easy for us to rationalize and justify our own sinful responses toward our husbands? Especially when we let our feelings lead us?

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

Why Husbands Fail

Poor, or lacking, male leadership happens for a couple of reasons:

1) He doesn’t know how to lead, or

2) He’s given up.

Both are problematic, and both are fixable.

Top Complaint #1: My Husband Won’t Lead

Possibly he doesn’t know HOW to lead.

Men are by nature leaders. They are wired to take charge, protect, supervise, and lead. Our current culture does not encourage men to develop these skills. In fact, our culture seems determined to emasculate men. An unfortunate reality is there are more than eight million boys being raised without fathers. Their moms love them and do their best. However, a boy will not learn how to be a man from his mom, as much as she tries to instill those qualities in her son.

We biblical counselors routinely find men that don’t know how to lead and are embarrassed to admit it. The good news is a man can learn how to develop biblical leadership skills and habits through individual discipleship with another man. This kind of relationship will help equip him in the areas of being a godly man and husband.

Top Complaint #2: My Husband Has Given Up

The second complaint is more damaging than the first complaint. It grows from the wife undermining or getting in the way of her husband’s leadership.

Ladies, here is where you need to get honest with yourselves!

Are you undercutting or disagreeing with nearly every decision he makes? Have you stepped in to be the leader because “someone has to lead this family”? Have you given him the message that he doesn’t lead “right”? Do you disagree with the direction he wants to take you and the family? Have you delivered the message that you do not trust him or his leadership?

Husbands are easily discouraged by wives who won’t follow or who question their leadership. They quickly learn that they are not allowed to make decisions for the family by themselves. In these circumstances, often the man says his wife is undermining him and that she criticizes him when she doesn’t agree with his decisions. He says his wife belittles him and always has plenty of reasons why his ideas and plans are insufficient or won’t work.

This reveals an enormous failing in submission on the part of the woman. Submitting is not to be demanded by the husband, nor is it to be done grudgingly or with fear.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 1 Corinthians 11:13

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Finding a Solution

When a woman fails in submission, the husband eventually gives up attempting to lead.

To correct this pattern, the wife must first be convicted that she is guilty of these things. Then she would confess to God and her husband that she has usurped his authority and disobeyed God’s Word regarding submission in marriage (Ephesians 5:21-331 Peter 1:3-7Titus 2:5).

She also must cease her attempts to lead her husband. This is tough when she has little confidence in his decisions or when he is a weak leader. However, she must remember that it to God she ultimately submits and it is God who is leading her family.

A faithful wife will let her husband know she has input to offer in a situation and ask him if he wants to hear it. A wise man will accept his wife’s counsel, and take it into consideration when making a decision. When he does not, she must entrust herself to God and believe our sovereign God has the situation in His hand.

On a Personal Note

I have learned these lessons the hard way. When I determined to do things my way, I disrespected my husband by my actions and my attitudes. A lack of unity resulted. I learned two important things: men will not tolerate being emasculated by their wives, and you cannot expect to usurp his authority without consequences.

Truth: “It is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” Proverbs 21:19

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

Building a Godly Marriage by Leading Together

marriageMARRIAGE: When marriage hurts, you may wonder if you’re destined for continual disagreement and dissatisfaction. Or is their a path forward, together? Discover how you and your spouse can lead together while respecting God-designed roles in marriage.

Your path forward is a plan on where and how to lead your home.

Leading Together?

Often we equate leadership in the home to specific roles, obligations and expectations. Did you know that biblical teaching on marriage is really more about following Christ than who’s in charge in the home?

There are five biblical words that capture the heart of the Christian leadership model in the home: stong, sacraficial, spiritual, servant, and support. The first four describes the husband’s role in a godly marriage. The fifth is just for you, the wife.

Five Leadership Keys

For Husbands:

  1. Strong (intentional, pure, engaged, addressing the issues)
  2. Sacrificial (putting others before self, unconditional love)
  3. Spiritual (investing in spiritual growth, modeling godly character)
  4. Servant (humble)

When a husband is a strong, sacraficial, spiritual, servant leader of home, wives want to follow, don’t you agree?But when a husband abdicates his leadership responsibility,conflict and disunity result. There is hope. So if you are in this position as a couple, don’t settle for a “less than wonderful” marriage. Rather, seek help from your pastor or a biblical counselor, in person or by Skype.

For Wives: 

5. Support

So how does a wife lead? She leads by supporting her husband. Counterintuitive, isn’t it? Does this mean she brings home the bacon while her guy binges on Netflix? Oh dear Lord, no! A wife supports him by helping him become the strong-sacraficial-spiritual-servant-leader that God wants them to be. And one part of this is speaking the truth in love. You have a voice!

When a Husband Abuses His Role!

However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, God provides two primary ways to safety.

One way:

One is calling the authorities for protection and justice. If you believe you or your children are in danger, dial 911. God has provided you governing authorities and to the civil laws for your good.

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. Romans 13:1-2

Another way:

Get the church involved. Consider following Matthew 18 if your husband is in sin. Here’s a foundational text in Matthew:

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17

By faith believe God’s truth that when both spouses embrace God’s design, your marriage will begin to improve. If only one spouse embraces God’s design, you will still see improvement but more slowly.

But rejecting God’s design continues the spiral downward toward conflict and disunity. What you are going to learn in counseling is how to embrace God, each other, and healthy biblical leadership in your home.

There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage. –Martin Luther

Free Resource!

DOWNLOAD: Here’s a download that show you how to apply the 5 leadership keys to your marriage. Thank you to Biblical Counseling Center for developing this resource.

 

If You Feel Abused, Were You Abused? (Part 2)

abusedAbused? Were you abused, phyically or sexually, in your marriage? In part 2 of this multi-part series on domestic violence, guest writer Jim Newheiser carefully looks at common assertions and takes a balanced view. This post appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is reprinted with permission.

Read Part 1 here: When to believe the victim, when to believe the abuser

heart

I am thankful to God that many necessary and important books and articles are being written to increase awareness of physical and sexual abuse. Abuse affect both the society at large and the Christian community in particular. Spiritual leaders have been rightly admonished for their failure to protect at-risk women and children.

Battered wives have been wrongly told that if they were just more loving and submissive, their husbands would change and the abuse would stop. They are then wrongly sent back to take further verbal and physical beatings. Many church leaders need to repent of their failure to “rescue the weak and needy; [and] deliver them out of the hand of the wicked” (Psalm 82:4).

While I affirm the importance of understanding the dark nature of abuse and protecting the victims of abuse, I am concerned that some, in their zeal to correct the failure of the past, have swung too far the other way. This can lead to false accusations and unnecessary family breakups.

I would like to give a few examples of what I believe to be common overstatements, and for each one, I will describe the good intention behind the statements, the harm which can be caused because of imbalanced thinking, and a more balanced way of expressing the same concerns.

If You Feel Abused, Then You Were Abused?

ASSERTION: If you feel abused, then you were abused.

  1. The valid concern: This statement is often made to express the reality that abuse may have taken place even if the abuser does not recognize or acknowledge his behavior (yelling, pushing, bullying, coercion, threats, and intimidation) as wrong.
  2. The harm that can be caused: On the other hand, the Bible teaches that it is possible to wrongly interpret the words, actions, and motives of others (1 Corinthians 2:11).

For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 1 Corinthians 2:11

For example, Eli falsely accused Hannah of drunkenness because her lips were moving as she prayed (1 Samuel 2:12ff). We cannot judge one person merely by the subjective feelings of another. For example, a man may be in a rush and accidentally bump into his wife (with whom he had had a recent conflict) as he turns a corner. She may accuse him of doing it deliberately to harm her when that was never his motive.

Words also can be misunderstood. What is taken by one person as angry and abusive might have never been intended as such. Nor might it have been interpreted this way by an objective third party.

Scripture reminds us: “Love hopes all things” (1 Cor. 13:7); in other words, love seeks to assume the best.

3. It would be better to say: A person who feels abused should be helped to objectively evaluate what has happened and to get assistance if genuine abuse has taken place. Part of this objective evaluation involves considering the ongoing pattern and cumulative effect of the accused person’s behavior, as well as the immediate accusation at hand. Proper evaluation over time keeps us from wrongly escalating the consequences for one individual incident while also not dismissing the whole situation because one incident wasn’t deemed as abusive.

Sometimes a Victim Has a Sin Issue Too

ASSERTION: It is never the victim’s fault.

  1. The valid concern: Many abusers claim that their victims are to blame because the victim provoked him or failed to be as good a wife or child as they should be. Many victims suffer from false guilt. There is no valid excuse for physical or sexual abuse.

Even if the abuser believes that he was provoked, he is never authorized by God to take physical or verbal vengeance.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

2. The harm that can be caused: Some victims have sin issues which also need to be addressed. I counseled in a case in which a wife would berate and insult her husband, saying “Come on Jesus man, hit me!” She admitted that she felt that she had won the argument when he finally struck her. Again, I emphasize there was no excuse for him hitting her. But she also needed to address her personal sinfulness.

There have been cases of sexual assault in which the woman got herself into an extremely compromising and dangerous situation (i.e., drunk, alone, and making out with a man with whom she is not married). Again, the man should have stopped when she said, “no” (also see Habakkuk 2:15). If he assaults her, he is guilty of a crime and should be punished. But she also needs to acknowledge before God her personal sin in the situation. Deuteronomy 22:23-24 addresses situations like this.

3. It would be better to say: Abuse is never justified, but victims may need to examine themselves to see if they have any sin for which they also need to seek God’s forgiveness.

(Friend, if someone has abused you, please seek help from a caring pastor, a spiritually wise woman at your church, or from a biblical counselor, who counsels the compassionate, effective Word to your hurting heart. Learn more about biblical counseling by Skype.–LAM)

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

 

 

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