husbandSo you want to change husband’s mind? Guest writer Julie Ganschow — listed on my site’s Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, for women and by women — shares her insights. Her post first appeared here on her blog and is used with permission.

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That title on changing your husband’s mind got you, didn’t it? I confess I am smiling as I think of how many women clicked on the blog because of the title.
Who among us does not want to know how to change her husband’s mind about something?
Maybe you want to obtain something, to go somewhere your husband doesn’t care to go, or to get your own way in some other circumstance. Those are rather self-centered, right? But there are also very serious reasons women ask this same question.

In counseling, a woman may ask me how to change her husband’s mind when she disagrees with a decision he has made. His decision may regard finances, family, or something else. Often the couple has fought about the issue. In addition, communication is strained or non-existent at that time. She sees her position as righteous. She may even give me scriptural support for it.

My counsel in such situations is (usually) as follows:

1. Examine Yourself

My first piece of counsel is to examine yourself. I may ask, “Thinking back on the discussion or argument, did you communicate respectfully with your husband when presenting your point?”

 In the heat of the moment it is easy to become so impassioned about the issue that words and tone of voice quickly get out of hand. I also ask,
  • “Were you speaking honestly?”
  • “Did you use the dreaded “you always” or “you never” as you interacted with your husband?”

Always? Never?

We tend to use “always” and “never” for dramatic emphasis and rarely do we use them appropriately. How true is it that your husband never does that certain thing you want him to do? Can he really always. .? 

Both of these words are very concrete. I call them 100% words. They are specific and mean in every circumstance without exception. No matter how inflexible a person may seem, rarely does someone “never” or “always” say and do the things we accuse them of when we are angry at them. So, examine yourself for where you went wrong and sinned against your husband.

Logs and Specks

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

When you find the logs in your own eye, you have to deal with your own sin through confession and repentance before God. Then go to your husband and admit your wrongs to him. It is humbling to strongly believe you are right about something then need to confess you were wrong in how you went about it. Asking his forgiveness for your sin will go a long way in gaining his ear for future discussion.

Here is an aside: I know some of you reading this are in unequally yoked marriages or are married to a man who is truly unreasonable or abusive. No counsel is “one size fits all.” It is impossible to write something that addresses every situation in one blog post. However, much of what is written here is still applicable to you. Self-examination, confessing your sin, and seeking restoration with your husband (when possible) will allow you to live peaceably in your own skin, regardless of how he responds.

2. Consider a Biblical Appeal

My second piece of counsel is to prayerfully consider making a biblical appeal to your husband. I don’t hear much about this anymore. However, I believe it is a wonderful approach to take when you and your husband are at an impasse, and you cannot let the matter go.
A biblical appeal is a request made to your husband for the purpose of presenting information that will hopefully lead him to change his mind about a decision he’s made.
A biblical appeal is not an argument, fight, or a manipulation. A biblical appeal is what a wise woman undertakes when she believes that her husband’s conclusion is wrong or sinful. The purpose is to help her husband, or to give wise counsel in aiding him to make the best and most God-honoring decision possible. It is not merely to get her own way.

How to Make an Appeal

A biblical appeal should be based on facts not emotions. Just because a wife “feels” her idea or plan is better does not make it so. Before making the appeal, it is wise to research the subject and be ready to provide concrete data to support your position. Be prepared to present the reasons why you disagree with his decision. Then propose a different plan, idea or a solution

Choosing the right timing for your appeal. You don’t want to be rushed. Answer his questions with facts not feelings. Listen carefully to his point of view and for details you may have missed in your original discussion.

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies. Proverbs 31:10

Once you’ve made your appeal, trust God for the outcome. Regardless of what your husband decides to do, a wise woman will agree to go along with the decision that has been made and support him in it.

Support should be genuine. It should include prayer for success, encouragement, and your willingness to help. If you continually mention your disagreement with the decision, and tell him how he should do it your way, you are nagging. Don’t do that. You are only responsible for how you conduct yourself in these kinds of situations. Your husband may stick to his plan despite your appeal. In this case, trust God is working out things for your good and His glory, despite how it looks right now.

Making a biblical appeal is not easy, but it is always an option for a woman. Be wise and careful as you prepare to go forward. Pray for the right motives so God would be honored by your words and your actions.

But Never Go Along with a Husband’s Sinful Decision

In my counsel on making a biblical appeal, I am assuming that your husband is not asking you to support a sinful decisions. If your husband has decided to do something illegal or immoral, do not go along with his decision, even when told you must submit to his authority.

God is the ultimate authority, not your husband. Thus you cannot honor God by consenting to commit sin with your husband. If he intends to go ahead with a sinful decision, seek outside counsel from your pastor or other wise biblical source.

Sharing hope with your heart, 

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