A Daughter’s Eulogy for Dad

A Daughter’s Eulogy for Dad

My dad died on Easter the year it was also April Fool’s Day. God picked the day. And it suited Dad. Ever the jokester, he’d think it funny that God chose this particular day for his homecoming.

But none of this was funny at the time, of course.

Grief is hard. And it’s personal and lonely and hard. Yes, I said it again.

I am the last one left.

And I realized I am the last one left in my little family of origin. Many, many years ago my mom had a fatal heart attack. Then a while back, my brother died for stupid reasons. (Another story for another time.)

Now my dad.

Sure, I cried. Of course I cried. Death hurts. But I didn’t cry without hope.

 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 1 Thessalonians 4:13, ESV

My brother’s death brought Dad and I close. Grieving together we recaptured years lost to busyness and complications. We laughed, we cried, we lived, we loved. But now I sensed loneliness.

I wore pink.

At my dad’s funeral, I shared my eulogy at a Catholic church in a suburb of Chicago. My dad’s second family–his widow and three young adult children–chose traditional black attire.

I wore pink. For me, death has lost its sting.

“O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:56, ESV

My Eulogy for Dad

Dad loved deep. This is what I’ll always remember about him.

He cried when Ted died, when he buried his eldest child, just a few years ago. Tears of grief, of love. What a tragedy, losing Ted. Dad and I grew close, then, grieving together, sharing stories, and healing.

Dad didn’t have the easiest childhood or teen years. But he kept on moving forward. He didn’t quit. Even in his 30s when he had horrible back pain and his first back surgery … even in his 40s when a doctor finally diagnosed him with manic-depression and he got on medication, he didn’t quit.

When I asked his doctor a while back jus how depressed he was, on a scale from 1 to 10, he said a minus 11. A minus 11? This was eye-opening to me. It is a testimony to just how deep Dad loved.

Even in deep depression, he did what he had to do to take care of his family. Family was his priority. He loved all of us in the crazy, complicated way only he could. I will miss the cat stories and our Saturday lunches and the crazy Goodwill purchases he kept in his trunk.

I will miss Dad, who loved deep.

Do you know grief too?

A better question may be who doesn’t know grief, right? Here are a few resources I recommend for folks grieving the loss of a loved one. I also offer to come alongside you in your pain as a biblical counselor who has been there and also helped others make sense of their pain.

Resources

God’s Grace in Your Suffering by David Powlison

Grief: Waling with Jesus by Bob Kellemen

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses by Bob Kellemen

Suffering Is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot

5 Tips for Handling Un-Happy Holidays

5 Tips for Handling Un-Happy Holidays

1. Identify trouble spots. 

As you look at the calendar, identify dates and places that may prove painful during the holidays. For me, Christmas Eve is tough because my mom always hosted Christmas dinner at her home, but now she’s gone. So years ago, my husband and I began a new tradition of making Christmas pizza with the kids. It helped us handle the grief.

You may also choose to not attend a certain party, or stay for an abreviated time, or attend with a caring friend who’s aware of your pain and helps you as needed.

I think of a former counselee with an abusive family member whom she needed to avoid. She made sure her close cousin was aware of this trouble spot, and she stayed by her side at a holiday dinner where he’d be present. Identifying this trouble spot and telling her cousin made all the difference.

2. Loss is not the boss!

Yes, the loss of a broken dream or a loved one’s passing may seem impossible to survive. But remember that loss is not the boss. Rather Jesus is Lord over all, including your losses. Here’s a verse that has helped me and many counselees:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

3. Grieve on purpose.

Yes, grief can come out of the blue when you least expect it. But you can take charge and grieve on purpose on your time. Some ways to do this:

  • Journaling
  • Listening to music
  • Walking in nature
  • Have a meaningful conversation with a friend

As you grieve on purpose, you honor the memory of your loved one. You can also begin to dream new dreams that replace the broken one.

4. Recognize that you’re not alone.

No one has it all together. And this includes that woman at church who’s all smilles and pep. (In fact, she may be hiding a hurt.) 

One struggles with grief, another with memories of a broken marriage, a wayward child, or a past regret. We each hurt in different ways, right?

But be sure to not go it alone during the holidays. Reach out to a trusted Christian friend or a biblical counselor. Psalm 56:1-4

5. Surround yourself with other believers.

When you hurt, it’s tempting to stay under the covers on Sunday morning and every morning. But you’ll be glad you flung off the blankets and put your feet on the floor. 

Consider my counselee Nicole who struggled with loss (a divorce as well as the death of a loved one). When her grief began to pull her into despair, she reached out for counseling, and I listened deep to her story.

She had gotten into a bad habit of lingering in bed and mulling over her problems, leading to more hopelessness. So we put together an action plan including a simple morning routine. Soon she noticed her spirits lift as she followed the action plan. Of course her grief didn’t go away immediately. In fact some of it will probably stick around as she misses her loved one and life as it once was, especially during the holidays. 

But now she is living with purpose. She meets with friends, volunteers at a school, participates in a women’s Bible study, and attends church where we believers are called to “bear one another’s burdens.” Having friendships with Christian women has helped greatly in her healing.

Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

What About You?

Are you looking to the holidays joyfully or are they a source of pain? Think of one step you can take to lessen your own grief or that of another. Now plan how you’ll put this step in action and do it. Let me know how it goes. 🙂

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Loneliness Hurts But Help’s on the Way

Loneliness Hurts But Help’s on the Way

Loneliness plagues everyone at some point in their lives. So the real question is, how can you help the lonely? And if you are among the lonely, how can you find hope? This article by Anne Dryburgh appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and it used by permission.

Loneliness is an emotionally painful sense of not being connected to others. The lonely person may feel unwanted, isolated, and left out.”[1]

Feelings of loneliness are often the result of living in fear, being isolated, lacking an emotional connection with others, a lack of intimacy with God, or feeling rejected by someone significant. All of us will experience some level of loneliness at some point in our lives.

The people who are most likely to experience the biting pain of loneliness include those who are facing grief, marital problems and/or divorce, chronic illness, unfamiliar surroundings or culture, or children who are growing up in a difficult home.

Loneliness in the Bible

There are many lonely people in the Bible.

Elijah: In 1 Kings 19:10, Elijah was in a state of great distress. He believed that he was alone in serving the Lord.

David: David’s soul waited in silence for God alone (Ps. 62:5). There was no other person who took notice of him, or took care of his soul (Ps. 142:4).

Asaph: He had no one on earth or in heaven besides God (Ps. 73:25, 26).

Paul: Demas, Crescens, and Titus abandoned Paul. It was only the Lord who stood by him during his first trial (2 Tim. 4:10, 16-17).

Jesus: Those closest to Jesus deserted him (Mark 14:50); Peter denied him (John 18:15-18; 25-27), and Judas betrayed him (Matt. 26:47-50). Jesus suffered alone in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matt. 26:36-46), and was forsaken by the Father when he hung on the cross (Matt. 27:46).[2]

Intimacy with the Lord

As we have read, the Bible speaks about loneliness, but the Lord ministers powerfully to the lonely. He has promised believers throughout the ages that he will not leave them nor forsake them, but will always be with them (Ps. 139:7-12; Isaiah 41:10; Matt. 28:20; Heb. 13:5).[3]

God calls himself a husband to his people, and compares his people to a “wife deserted and grieved in spirit, as a wife of youth when she is cast off” (Isa. 54:5, 6). We read in Hosea that God’s people were betrothed to Him in righteousness, justice, steadfast love, mercy, and faithfulness (Hos. 2:19, 20).

In the New Testament, believers are described as the bride of Christ (Eph. 5:31, 32; Rev. 21:2). This speaks of a deep intimacy of the soul, which is greater than that which human beings can experience with each other.

Providing Support

Someone who is suffering loneliness will have the tendency to be focused on themselves; what they want and what they don’t have. When supporting the lonely person, you will need to discover what they are thinking and how they spend their time.

Are they looking at what other people are doing on social media and feeling sad because they do not have nice date nights, beautiful vacations, or fun evenings with friends? Are they watching films or programs and wishing that they were somewhere else, with other people, or had something that they don’t have at present? These thoughts can quickly progress to thinking that nobody loves them and that their lives are a waste.

What is the truth about the Lord and their situation? What are some ways they can use their time more constructively; what would be a more edifying use of time than social media? Learning about God’s providence can help them discover that the Lord is actively at work in their circumstances for his purpose and glory.

Trusting this truth and living for his glory in the midst of their difficulty can turn painful loneliness into a time of experiencing the glory of the Lord.

Importance of Community 

It is important to help them come out of isolation and begin establishing relationships with other people as much as possible. Even if the person would rather stay at home, it is essential that they take steps to be with others and to seek to take an interest in what is happening around them.

The church can look for ways to care for those who are lonely by visiting or providing practical support. For example, creating connections for teens by building relationships across generations can help the lonely teen grow in their faith while living through difficult situations.

Sometimes, people who have lived in a state of loneliness for a long time will become very needy and want to hold onto any form of sincere love that they experience. Encouraging the lonely to pursue intimacy with the Lord and to seek to love others will help prevent them from developing an unhealthy dependency on those who reach out to them. In this way, genuine community and fellowship can develop.

Conclusion

Loneliness is painful, and all of us will experience it at some point in our lives.

Thankfully, the Lord speaks into our loneliness and ministers to us in a deeply meaningful way. When supporting the lonely, discover what they are saying to themselves and how they got to that stage. Help them focus their hearts on the providential God who is working out his glorious purpose in and through their situation. When they focus on loving others, they will emerge from their isolation and become a source of blessing.

Questions for Reflection

  • As you think about the most lonely times in your life, how did the Lord minister to you?
  • How did scripture speak deeply into your soul at that time, and how did that impact your life?
  • Do you know someone who is lonely? How can you encourage and bless them?

[1]Mary Somerville. “Coping with Loneliness.” National Association of Nouthetic Counselors, Annual Conference, 2005, mp3.

[2]Ibid., Wayne Mack, “Loneliness & Self-Pity#1: How to Handle Loneliness,” The Dr. Wayne Mack Library. CDWM4191.

[3] Mary Somerville, “Coping with Loneliness,” National Association of Nouthetic Counselors; Caroline Newheiser, “Helping Women who are Married but Lonely,” The Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship.

About the author: Anne is an IABC and ACBC certified biblical counselor who has been a mission worker in Flemish-speaking Belgium since the early 1990s. She is also a guest lecturer at Tilsley College in Scotland, an external reader for doctoral candidates at the Masters International University of Divinity, an author, a frequent contributor to the blog Biblical Counseling for Women, and coordinates the European hub of the Biblical Counseling Coalition.

Counseling Hope to Your Heart,

Why Cry? 3 Biblical Reasons for Tears!

cryWhy cry? Did you know there are at least three biblical reasons for tears. And remember, as the apostle John records,

Jesus wept. John 11:35, ESV

In this shortest verse in the bible, did God reveal weak-kneed fraility? Not at all. Rather, he showed deep compassion for his friends, whose brother Lazarus had died, and he expressed his emotion through his tears.

In this short article, learn three biblical reasons for tears:

  1. Tears expression honest emotion.
  2. God commands you to cry at certain times.
  3. Crying is good for you.

Just as important, know that in heaven there is no need crying.

1. Expess Honest Emotion

Tears provide a healthy outlet for how we feel inside. They are not a sign of weakness. Rather, they are an honest expression of emotion. But do keep in mind that sometimes tears are misused. Instead of expessing honest emotion, a person may use tears in order to manipulate. Of course, any form of manipuation is wrong. Manipulation is controlling and ungodly behavior.

But your honest-to-God tears? These God keeps in a bottle as if they are precious to Him.

You have kept count of my tossings;
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book? Psalms 56:8

Jesus welcomes honest emotion. Here are two extraordinary examples.

UNNAMED WOMAN: When an unnamed woman washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, he commended her.

Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet.” Luke 7:44-45

DAUGHTERS OF JERUSALEM: As Jesus was led to the cross, the daughters of Jerusalem wept. Jesus told them not to cry for him (who left no progedy), but for themselves and others. Read Luke 23:28-31.

2. God Commands Tears

There are indeed appropriate occasions to cry. Some are:

  • Grief, tears for mourning (Genesis 23:2, 2 Samuel 1:12)
  • Sadness, a natural outpouring of sorrow (1 Samuel 30:4)
  • Regret, sorrow for sin (Matthew 26:75, James 4:9)
  • Tears of joy (Genesis 50:1)

And God commands that you weep. Check these out:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15

Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh. Luke 6:21

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5

3. Crying Is Good for You!

Scientific evidence indicates that when you shed emotional tears, the body releases stress-relieving endorphins. These chemicals help you feel better and stabilize your moods. Tears also release built-up toxins from emotional stress. Bottled-up emotions can contribute to stress-related diseases such as high blood pressure and heart problems.

Sometimes those who’ve experienced abuse or trauma donʼt feel it is safe to cry. They stuff their thoughts and emotions, and become like a pressure cooker ready to explode. Crying is one way to release the building tension.

There’s NO Crying in Heaven

Your tears are only for a season while you live earth. God promises to wipe away all your tears for eternity. They are not needed in Heaven.

For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
    and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 7:17

Until then, there are rights times cry. So let the tears roll.

Counseling Hope to Your Heart,

Help and Hope for Bad Health

bad healthBAD HEALTH? Whether you or a loved one has bad health, doubts may rush in and twirl you like carnival ride. You may ask yourself:

  • “What did I do to deserve this?”
  • “Will I (or my friend) ever get better?”
  • “Where’s God? How come he’s not helping?”

You may also experience anger, despair, and fear. Anger over waiting. Despair over pain. And fear of invasive tests, fear of bad news, even fear of God’s disfavor.

So have you faced bad health? Or, has a loved one of a friend had an awful illness? What emotions coursed through your veins?

My Bad Health Story

No physical form of bad health runs in my family. But mental problems do, namely anxiety, depression, and bipolar I disorder.

My dad had has the latter. During my childhood, he dad walked in the shadows of depression, rarely smiling. And he often spoke in monotone. In my early teens, my mom and brother convinced him to get psychiatric help at a hospital.

I had no idea how to handle my dad’s depression and occasional manic episodes. In fact, I figured I was the problem. But I was wrong. Can you relate? My child mind thought. . .

If only I got better grades. . .

If only I kept my room clean. . .if only.

But there was nothing I could do to help, and this made me sad. Eveyone in the family found ways to deal with the pain of a loved one with bad health. For instance, my mom devoured romance novels. Potato chips and French onion dip put pounds on her frame. And my brother managed, barely. In grade school he pulled Cs, Ds, and Fs, though his IQ topped 140. Later, he got high on weed a lot. And later still, porn became his drug of choice.

Me? I still tried on perfectionism. Miss goody two shoes, I attempted to do everything right and learned it didn’t work. Yet I kept trying. Only later, when I trusted in Christ, I found my reason to hope and heal.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Mind-Body Connection

Bad health may have an emotional cause or physical root–or both. Heart disease, cancer, multiple sclerosis, lupus, fibromyalgia, diabetes, hypothyroidism, and other illness are physical. Doctors can indeed diagnose them through tests. But illnesses with a physical cause often take an emotional toll too.

Some types of bad health, like hypothyroidism, include the symptom of depressed mood, for example. Also, depending on the illness, there are physical changes such as bloating and hair loss. In addition, medications used to treat bad health may have nasty side effects. Soon the ill person may feel helpless and hopeless. Spiritually, she may cling to Jesus, or she may blame God for allowing the illness and wrecking her life.

What to Do

When a friend or family member faces bad health, how can you help? Well, they’re are helpful things to say and too. And there are cringe-worthy comments to avoid. Here are a few of each.

To say and do:

1. Say “I admire your courage.”

2. Ask, “Can I grocery shop, take you to the doctor, or clean the bathroom?”

3. Play an uplifting CD or make a delicious, healthy soup (see below).

To avoid:

1. “I know exactly how you feel.” You don’t.

2. Call your friend and talk a long, long time. Stick to 10 minutes unless she asks to talk longer. Add another 10 minutes tops. Use a timer.

3. Pretend nothing is wrong, like my family did. 

What ideas have worked for you? Or have blown up in your face? My own personal, embarrassing piece of bad advice (that I no longer do): Telling someone how she should feel!

May I Share a Recipe?

This first appeared in my book The Vegetarian Child (Perigee, 1997). I hope you like it. It’s make a great meal for someone in bad health. Or good health. It’s that delicious.

Creamy Broccoli Soup

A creamy soup with no cream? That’s right. The secret is pureed potatoes, which add extra nutrients to the soup without a smidgeon of fat.

2 cups chopped fresh broccoli

3 ½ cups vegetables stock or 3½ cups water with 1 vegetable bouillon cube

4 potatoes, peeled and cubed

½ onion, chopped

½ to 1 tablespoon fresh cilantro

Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Place all the ingredients except the salt and pepper and ½ cup vegetable stock or water in a large pot. Bring to a boil, cover, and cook over medium heat until tender, about 20 minutes. Set aside ½ cup broccoli to use as garnish.

Puree the remaining contents of the pot, a batch at a time, in a blender or food processor. Be sure to fill the blender or food processor no more than 2/3 full. Return the pureed soup to the pot. Add the remaining vegetable stock or water, season with the salt and pepper, and simmer 5 minutes. Pour the soup into individual bowls and top each one with the reserved broccoli garnish. Serve warm.

Serves 6. Per serving: 91 cal; 3g prot; 0.2g fat; 21g carb; 0 chol; 368mg sod; 2.7g fiber

Counseling Hearts to Hope (and healing),

 

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