perfectionsimPerfectionism is an impossible standard! For you and me, that is. God is perfectly perfect!

But to attain perfectionism, you may drive yourself nuts. Or you may face-plant into the wall of “I cannot do it” and give up and retreat. You may even find a frenemy in dark chocolate. This is my go-to happy place. What’s yours?

Either way, all-or-nothing thinking turns into anxiety, even anger and hopelessness.

Jana, a mother of three boys and a nurse, worked part-time in the evening, and during the day she had the family on a tight schedule in order to get everything done: piano lessons and soccer practice for the kids and a book club and Zumba for her. When her all-or-nothing thinking turned into yelling–something she swore she’d never do when she became a mom–she didn’t see that her perfectionism played into the family tension. A wise counselor compassionately and truthfully pointed it out, and she agreed her heart needed to change.

Have you ever wanted to do it all or think you should do it all? Have you based your worth and success on how well you measure up to your standards or fulfilling your expectations?

  • When you are driven to achieve and overdo, you live in fear that there is always something more you can do, another phone call to make, another website to check, another friend to check in on.
  • When you hold exceptionally high expectations for yourself (or your family or coworkers), you may come across as pushy and demanding. Your relationships may suffer.
  • When you compare your accomplishments to others, you may feel defeated and get grumpy or throw a pity party. No one shows up to pity parties. Too depressing!

Signs of Perfectionism

The all-or-nothing thinking of perfectionism overwhelms a person because, as I mentioned up top, it’s a myth. No one is perfect but God!

“Your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:48, ESV

Very often someone with all-or-nothing thinking suffers from anger, anxiety, depression, or fatigue. Trying to keep up with overwhelming perfectionism is daunting. You just can’t do it. No one can. That you cannot be perfect doesn’t mean you are “less than” or “not enough.” It simply means you’re human.

Here are pictures of three signs of perfectionism.

AngerWhen your perfect plans fall though, do you seethe or feel irritated? Do you lash out at a friend or family member? A common result: difficult relationships! Think about it. You don’t like anger directed at you and you may step away from an angry person or not return her phone calls. Proverbs 15:1 says,

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Anxiety: Do you feel uptight and nervous when you think about all you need to do? Do you worry that you’ll fail? Sometimes anxious people have physical symptoms such as nausea, insomnia, headaches, and fatigue, even panic attacks. Others develop ulcers. Talk with your medical doctor about physical manifestations of anxiety.

Depression: Do your unmet desires  lead to sadness and self-recriminations? Are you disappointed with yourself that you failed to meet your high expectations? Do you say mean things to yourself, like “I’m a loser”? Depression feels like sadness, despair, hopelessness. Sometimes it has an organic cause, such as hormone imbalance. Again, talk with your medical doctor about physical causes of depression.

Out of the Perfectionism Trap

Your way out of perfectionism is to make a heart change and to look to your Creator for the answer. Here are 3 ways to end perfectionism:

1. Accept the invitation to rest.

May I suggest that you write the verse below in a journal or your electronic device and read it daily? 

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30, ESV

When you get to the end of your abilities and energy, you need rest. Your mind and your body. You feel depleted and weary. The question is, how will you respond to this invitation? Do you value yourself and your family enough to rest?

2. Ask yourself a few questions.

To get to the heart of your perfectionism, ask yourself questions and jot down your answers. Ask yourself:

  • Who am I trying to please? My boss, my friends, my parents, myself, God?
  • Is my all-or-nothing thinking all about getting other people to accept me or to impress them?
  • Do I think I can do life without God? That I don’t need him?

Now read your answers and look for a pattern. Is your pattern to please others or to get attention? Do you see another pattern? How can you change your thinking so that your thougts align with God’s?

3. Love God above all else.

You’re probably familiar with the Great Commandment.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27, ESV

When you love God above all else, your priorities and motivations change. You are more concerned with pleasing God who loves you lavishly than with pleasing yourself.

You’ll discover that you’ll remove some items from your calendar and rethink the best use of your time and talents.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. Colossians 3:23, ESV

Rethinking the best use of your time and talents means establishing God-honoring goals for life in every area: spiritual, family, social, intellectual, physical, occupational, financial, and emotional.

I invite you to use this download to help you plan your priorities for the purpose of loving God most of all. If you have questions or would like to set up a time to talk on the phone to see how biblical counseling would help you get out of the  perfectionism trap, why not drop me a line here?

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

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