by Lucy | Apr 30, 2019 | People Who Hurt |
My dad died on Easter the year it was also April Fool’s Day. God picked the day. And it suited Dad. Ever the jokester, he’d think it funny that God chose this particular day for his homecoming.
But none of this was funny at the time, of course.
Grief is hard. And it’s personal and lonely and hard. Yes, I said it again.
I am the last one left.
And I realized I am the last one left in my little family of origin. Many, many years ago my mom had a fatal heart attack. Then a while back, my brother died for stupid reasons. (Another story for another time.)
Now my dad.
Sure, I cried. Of course I cried. Death hurts. But I didn’t cry without hope.
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 1 Thessalonians 4:13, ESV
My brother’s death brought Dad and I close. Grieving together we recaptured years lost to busyness and complications. We laughed, we cried, we lived, we loved. But now I sensed loneliness.
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I wore pink.
At my dad’s funeral, I shared my eulogy at a Catholic church in a suburb of Chicago. My dad’s second family–his widow and three young adult children–chose traditional black attire.
I wore pink. For me, death has lost its sting.
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:56, ESV
My Eulogy for Dad
Dad loved deep. This is what I’ll always remember about him.
He cried when Ted died, when he buried his eldest child, just a few years ago. Tears of grief, of love. What a tragedy, losing Ted. Dad and I grew close, then, grieving together, sharing stories, and healing.
Dad didn’t have the easiest childhood or teen years. But he kept on moving forward. He didn’t quit. Even in his 30s when he had horrible back pain and his first back surgery … even in his 40s when a doctor finally diagnosed him with manic-depression and he got on medication, he didn’t quit.
When I asked his doctor a while back jus how depressed he was, on a scale from 1 to 10, he said a minus 11. A minus 11? This was eye-opening to me. It is a testimony to just how deep Dad loved.
Even in deep depression, he did what he had to do to take care of his family. Family was his priority. He loved all of us in the crazy, complicated way only he could. I will miss the cat stories and our Saturday lunches and the crazy Goodwill purchases he kept in his trunk.
I will miss Dad, who loved deep.
Do you know grief too?
A better question may be who doesn’t know grief, right?
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Here are a few resources I recommend for folks grieving the loss of a loved one. I also offer to come alongside you in your pain as a biblical counselor who has been there and also helped others make sense of their pain.
Resources
God’s Grace in Your Suffering by David Powlison
Grief: Waling with Jesus by Bob Kellemen
God’s Healing for Life’s Losses by Bob Kellemen
Suffering Is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot
by Lucy | Apr 11, 2019 | People Who Hurt
When you’re a Christian and struggle with doubt, you may wonder what’s wrong with you. You may even think your doubts prove you were never a Christian in the first place or, at best, a horrible hypocrite.
You might be tempted to give up, right?
The truth is, struggling with doubt is lonely and overwhelming and discouraging. But your struggling can also bring you closer to God.
What doubting sounds like
Struggling often sounds like this: A counselee I’ll call Katie began thinking God just didn’t care. First, her husband pushed her away. He kept playing video games late into the evening, even though he has promised he’d let up. So she thought–>Why did God give me an insensitive husband?
Second, her church made the news in a bad way. Under allegations of financial mismanagement and of a temperamental pastor who bullied the staff, her church was hurting. People were leaving in droves, disheartened. And she thought–> Couldn’t God have stopped this?
Finally, stress at work was getting worse. And her divorced dad kept bugging her to spend more time with him. And a good friend moved across country. It was just too much. Again, her thoughts questioned God –> Why isn’t God helping me? Don’t You care?
Doubt sounds like tears dripping on parched land.
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So why hasn’t God — all powerful and all wise and all loving — made Katie’s life turn out better? And why can’t she know with certainty right here, right now that everything will turn out okay and she’ll feel peace again?
And what about you? What about your cries for relief from life’s struggles?
So we walk by …
… Faith. The Bible gives the reason for our struggles.
We walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7
Yet, with physical bodies in a physical world, we very often rely on getting our certainty through our physical senses of touch, hearing, smell, taste, and sight. Elyse Fitzpatrick in Doubt: Trusting God’s Promises adds that another way we know what’s cetain is having been taught it. Consider the Civil War, or anything of historical record. Indeed, how would we know the Civil War actually happened but by studying it and seeing artifacts and visiting battlefields?
You’re in good company
Abraham, Moses, John the Baptist — these three faithful men each had their doubts too. You’re in good company, dear Doubter.
- Abraham and his wife Sarah doubted God’s promise that he would give them a son in their old age (Gen. 17:17, 18:12).
- Having parted the Red Sea and witnessed many other miracles, Moses still harbored unbelief (Num. 20:12).
- John the Baptist had expected Jesus to bring judgment and, while in prison, he sent a message to Jesus: “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?” (Matt. 11:3).
And we cling to our hope
When you struggle with doubt, you may wonder if you’re the problem. Or that this whole Christian thing is a joke. Or that you’ve been taught all wrong.
“Perhaps you started your Christian walk with a strong faith but have faced difficulties and setbacks, and now you’re wondering whether if any of it is true,” Fitzpatrick wonders. If this sounds like you, please don’t worry or think you’re the worst Christian ever.
Everyone questions the truth they had once believed wholeheartedly.
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So what’s the hope?
I encouraged Katie, as I’ve encouraged my own heart (yes, I’ve struggled with doubt too), with biblical truth reminders from J.I. Packer in his classic Knowing God.
- I am a child of God.
- God is my Father.
- Heaven is my home.
- Each day in one day closer.
- My Savior is my brother.
- Every Christian is my brother too.
My prayer is you’ll wrestle with your doubts and not give up. Choose to keep reminding yourself of the truth your clung to when you first came to faith in Jesus Christ. You are not alone. God is with you.
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I’d love to answer your questions and encourage you. Simply send me an email. If you think you may be interested in biblical counseling by Skype or FaceTime, read this. It answers some FAQs. Let’s connect.
Counseling hearts to hope,
Lucy
by Lucy | Dec 24, 2018 | biblical counseling, thoughts
Does a truly beautiful Christmas mean newly fallen snow, gingerbread houses, and piles of sparkly presents under the tree? Of course not. A truly beautiful Christmas is so much more.
God adorns you on the inside, beginning in your thoughts. Yucky, God-dismissing thoughts are disgusting like dirty snow. But beautiful God-glorifying thoughts spill into new attitudes and new actions.
What’s truly beautiful: a Christ-focused Christian woman!
But how do we get from ugly, dirty snow thinking to the truly beautiful? This is a favorite question, one I use to counsel my own heart and to help my counselees. Indeed, if we don’t know our hope, then how can we get there?
In today’s enouragement…
You’ll see how to focus your thoughts on God’s glory, which in turn changes your attitude and actions. And, dear sister, if now you have crummy thoughts and a humbug attitude, please keep reading because these words are for you.
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1. Focus on God in Your Thoughts
A truly beautiful Christmas begins with thinking on the truth that we love God because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). We couldn’t save ourselves. We need a Savior, born in a manger long, long ago, God’s answer to our deepest problem. That is, sin.
And this is important: we choose to focus on God’s glory with our minds, not our feelings. Please don’t let emotions rule you. For when you do, you may soar like an eagle one moment but drop like a stone the next.
Instead, focus on his glory no matter your feelings. As you do, nasty thoughts lessen in intensity and duration and new, God-glorifying thoughts take their place.
OUT GOES
Jealousy, bitterness, sadness, anxiety, doubt
IN COMES
Generosity, kindness, contentment, peace, confidence
2. Focus on God in Your Attitude
A truly beautiful Christmas becomes an amazing attitude. You see, as think on the God’s truth and agree with it, your attitude renews. To illustrate, let’s look at 1 Thessalonians 5:18 with my counselees. This verse says,
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
As you might expect, most of my counselees deal with tough stuff. Who wants to give thanks for the hard? No one, right? But this isn’t what the verse says. It says to give thanks in all circumstances.
Yes, it’s horrible to learn a husband looks at porn. And it’s awful a teen daughter skips class or that you may lose your job. But you can be thankful that God is in control and is working out all things even when you cannot see it (2 Corinthians 5:7).
Are you beginning to see how your attitude changes as you focus on God? No one is a lost cause, no situation is hopeless. To the contrary! If you need help to improve your thinking, contact me.
Focus on God in Your Actions
A truly beatiful Christmas also means new God-glorifying actions, whether in word or deed. But each of us are weighed down, right? The single mom, the empty nester, the woman in chronic pain, the perfectionist, and on and on and on.
And modern-day, busy-busy Christmas makes demands on our schedules and energy, and sometimes in the middle of it all, our thoughts go south and our attitudes stink. But when we focus on God, our actions and words can display Christ beautifully.
Remember, change does NOT start with behavior modificaiton. Rather, as mentioned, it begins with your thoughts. So if you (or a friend) notice you spoke sharply or complained about snow or lack thereof, or if you’re dissatisfied, choose to think about your thoughts.
Ask yourself–
- What thoughts just ran though my mind?
Then condider–
- Do my thoughts honor God? Do they line up with the Word?
If not, then determine to change them.
- First, identify right thinking.
- Second, agree with God to renew your thoughts.
- Third, ask his help to change.
- And finally, thank him for what he’ll do even before he does it. This is faith!
Indeed, focusing on God in your thoughts, attitudes, and actions ensures a truly beautiful Christmas!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
by Lucy | Dec 11, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions, thoughts
Has sexual sin taken you hostage, my sister in Christ? I want you to know there really is freedom. It is among the top issues I counsel biblically.
Now this reassurance:
Sexual sin is no worse than any other sin. Adultery / porn use / transgender issues / same-sex attraction — these are not the “unforgivable” sin. Yet sexual sin can destroy relationships and opens wide the door to anxiety and shame, even addictions. And it grieves the Holy Spirit.
In this article, you’ll discover 3 paths to freedom from sexual sin and to renewal.
- Share your story safely.
- Have an “escape plan.”
- Guard your heart.
1. Share Your Story of Sexual Sin
First, choose a safe person such as a trusted, female Christian friend or a pastor’s wife to share your story of sexual sin.
But what if you don’t have a safe person in your life? Then please contact me or another counselor on the Heart2Heart Counselor Directory at my website. We listen deep and don’t condemn..
And when you share your story, and someone really listens, you will begin to sense hope. Even shame and fear start to dissipate. Soon you’ll think that you really can change, that you aren’t stuck.
2. Have an Escape Plan
Second, as you share with someone you trust, you’ll also need an escape plan. Wonderfully, God has provided the way of escape. Consider 1 Corinthians 10:13, which is full of hope and promise.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
On your plan, you may want to include these items:
- names of trusted godly girlfriends to call when tempted.
- specific Bible verses to think on.
- Internet protection like Covenant Eyes.
- a list of places to go when tempted, such as the gym or coffee shop.
Remember, Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days in the desert and didn’t sin. (Temptation itself is not wrong.) Check out Matthew 4:1-11 and see how Jesus responded.
3. Guard Your Heart
Third, guard your heart by daily Bible reading and prayer, and learn to replace the world’s lies with God’s truth.
As you guard what you put in your mind, your heart responds. Your heart is the part of you that thinks, feels, and make choices. It is your spiritual inner person.
So freedom from sexual sin requires a heart set on pleasing God, not self. We act on what we think, and this is why biblical counseling focuses on right thinking as defined by God’s standard, the Bible.
Changing Heart Desires
In counseling women in sexual sin of any kind, I’ve discovered a two-fold process in renewing the mind and changing the desires of the heart.
Be encouraged: Sexual sin wants to take you hostage but Jesus has a radical love for you, and his radical love changes you. There’s hope.
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Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Nov 19, 2018 | biblical counseling, relationships
1. Identify trouble spots.
As you look at the calendar, identify dates and places that may prove painful during the holidays. For me, Christmas Eve is tough because my mom always hosted Christmas dinner at her home, but now she’s gone. So years ago, my husband and I began a new tradition of making Christmas pizza with the kids. It helped us handle the grief.
You may also choose to not attend a certain party, or stay for an abreviated time, or attend with a caring friend who’s aware of your pain and helps you as needed.
I think of a former counselee with an abusive family member whom she needed to avoid. She made sure her close cousin was aware of this trouble spot, and she stayed by her side at a holiday dinner where he’d be present. Identifying this trouble spot and telling her cousin made all the difference.
2. Loss is not the boss!
Yes, the loss of a broken dream or a loved one’s passing may seem impossible to survive. But remember that loss is not the boss. Rather Jesus is Lord over all, including your losses.
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Here’s a verse that has helped me and many counselees:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
3. Grieve on purpose.
Yes, grief can come out of the blue when you least expect it. But you can take charge and grieve on purpose on your time. Some ways to do this:
- Journaling
- Listening to music
- Walking in nature
- Have a meaningful conversation with a friend
As you grieve on purpose, you honor the memory of your loved one. You can also begin to dream new dreams that replace the broken one.
4. Recognize that you’re not alone.
No one has it all together. And this includes that woman at church who’s all smilles and pep. (In fact, she may be hiding a hurt.)
One struggles with grief, another with memories of a broken marriage, a wayward child, or a past regret. We each hurt in different ways, right?
But be sure to not go it alone during the holidays. Reach out to a trusted Christian friend or a biblical counselor. Psalm 56:1-4
5. Surround yourself with other believers.
When you hurt, it’s tempting to stay under the covers on Sunday morning and every morning. But you’ll be glad you flung off the blankets and put your feet on the floor.
Consider my counselee Nicole who struggled with loss (a divorce as well as the death of a loved one). When her grief began to pull her into despair, she reached out for counseling, and I listened deep to her story.
She had gotten into a bad habit of lingering in bed and mulling over her problems, leading to more hopelessness. So we put together an action plan including a simple morning routine. Soon she noticed her spirits lift as she followed the action plan. Of course her grief didn’t go away immediately. In fact some of it will probably stick around as she misses her loved one and life as it once was, especially during the holidays.
But now she is living with purpose. She meets with friends, volunteers at a school, participates in a women’s Bible study, and attends church where we believers are called to “bear one another’s burdens.” Having friendships with Christian women has helped greatly in her healing.
Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
What About You?
Are you looking to the holidays joyfully or are they a source of pain? Think of one step you can take to lessen your own grief or that of another. Now plan how you’ll put this step in action and do it. Let me know how it goes. 🙂
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
