by Lucy | Oct 2, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships
Truly embracing God’s love for you — especially if you’ve experienced the horror of sexual abuse — is the way to hope and healing. Do you want healing too? Read Monica’s story and learn how gospel-centered counseling helped remove stumbling blocks to her faith. Consider biblical counseling for you or a loved one too.
This article by biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy, featured on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory here, appeared first at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permisison.
Monica’s Story
At a young age, Monica was sexually abused by her step-father until he divorced her mother. In her teenage years she was raped by her brother’s friends.
She lived a life of promiscuity—getting pregnant twice with both ending in abortions. She was drinking alcohol heavily and using drugs until the age of 24 when she developed cervical cancer. God used her illness to get her attention.
Click & Tweet!
She became a Christian and met her husband, Jeff, at church. Only one year into the marriage, Monica began suffering from bouts of depression and self-loathing.
She was distancing herself from her husband but didn’t know why. You see, she thought as a Christian, she shouldn’t struggle with these issues. Finally she confided in a Christian friend who encouraged her to seek biblical counseling.
The Journey Begins
The counseling process helped Monica to discover some stumbling blocks to her faith. She had doubts about God—about His goodness, His grace, His love, and doubted ever being free from condemning thoughts. With the love and support of her husband, she began the difficult process of looking at her past through the lens of Scripture.
She was afraid to reveal certain details to Jeff because she didn’t want him to stop loving her. He assured her of his love and commitment, so she forged ahead allowing God to peel away layer after layer into her past.
During the most difficult layers of dealing with the sexual abuse, she had to distance herself from him intimately. After eighteen months of biblical processing, Monica was able to restore her relationship to her husband.
Believing Again in God’s Love
Through the counseling process, her faith had grown stronger. She believed in God’s goodness and grace. But she wasn’t so sure about His love.
She told the counselor that she still couldn’t understand how a holy God could love someone with her past. The counselor asked her,
How do you know that Jeff loves you, even after knowing of your past?
She thought about how Jeff had been very supportive throughout the counseling process. He had been incredibly gracious to her when she was at her worst with depression and self-loathing. During the time she separated herself from him intimately, he was amazingly patient and forgiving.
He wasn’t shocked nor disgusted when he learned of the sexual abuse. Instead, he was a safe and secure haven.
Her husband’s love encouraged her to share her heart with him. Knowing her ugly past, she was only met with Jeff’s unconditional love. In return, she loved him in a much deeper way. She would sacrifice her time and energy to please him.
And spending time with him was no longer a burden. She treasured every moment with him because she felt valued by his love.
Reclaiming Her Love for Her Husband
Monica kept growing in her relationship with God and her husband. Indeed, she no longer feared her husband’s love.
Click & Tweet!
To the question, “How do you know that Jeff loves you?” she answered this way. “I know Jeff loves me because he has demonstrated his love in marvelous ways.” The counselor asked Monica to read Romans 5:8, which states,
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
The counselor stated that God proved His love for her by sending His Son, Jesus, to die for her sins. And since she is a believer, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
The counselor also reminded Monica that God’s love was lavished on her through Jeff’s love. Seeing how Jeff loved her with the love of God, she began to get the picture. She finally grasped a greater understanding of God’s love.
Monica also learned that God’s love for her is incredibly gracious and sacrificial, amazingly patient and forgiving, safe and secure, and completely accepting of her in spite of her past. She realized that Christ has given her a new identity—His identity. She was no longer a victim living in her past.
Click & Tweet!
God saw everything she did and yet still loved her. This realization gripped Monica deep into the core of her soul.
Motivated by Love to Love
God’s love granted Monica the grace to love Him. As she daily contemplated His love, she became more sensitive to affronting the One she loved which led quickly to repentance of sin. She also found it easier to pray. And she didn’t fear seeking His presence.
In addition, she wanted to spend time with God. She desired to please Him with her time and energy. She had a growing willingness to sacrifice her life for God’s glory—no longer doing things her way.
Monica learned as the Apostle Paul did, that “the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14). Christ’s sacrificial, substitutionary death motivated Paul’s service for Him. In Galatians 2:20, Paul states,
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Paul learned that he died to the Law because he was crucified with Christ. Therefore he was able to live for God because Christ lived in him.
The greatest love of all.
True love has a constraining virtue. Monica realized this in Jeff’s love for her. It cost him something to love her. He accepted the consequences of her past and chose to love her. She would do anything for him because he loved her at her worst.
Even greater is the love of Christ. It cost Him something to love us. He gave up His life when we were at our worst—and still loves us at our worst. By faith Monica embraced God’s love for her. In return, she loved God because He first loved her (1 John 4:19).
Join the Conversation
Think of a time when you felt really loved by someone. What effect did it have on you? How did you respond to that love? Now think of God’s love for you. What effect does His love have on you? How do you respond to His love?
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Aug 7, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions, whole health wellness |
Eating disorders — this problem has a comprehensive Christ-centered solution. It involves biblical counseling and often medical professionals for lasting change. Guest blogger Hayley Satrom, a biblical counselor with HeartSong Counseling in Washington, D.C., shares her article that originally appeared on the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permission.
As a biblical counselor, I meet with many people whose lives, hearts, and minds are controlled by an obsession with food. Whether anorexia, bulimia, or binge-eating, disordered eating patterns are very common among my counselees. I’ve also found that often they need professional assistance beyond what I alone can provide.
Now, hear me out. I believe there are many counseling issues we biblical counselors can face without additional help from other trained medical professionals. That said, eating disorders, in my opinion, are simply not of that category.
After working with many anorexic and bulimic individuals, I have come to respect, and indeed mandate, a team approach to their care.
A Three-Pronged Approach
It was actually my supervisor, Deepak Reju, who was the first to suggest I utilize what he called a “three-pronged approach” in caring for counselees with eating disorders. “What are these three prongs?” you ask.They are:
- Biblical counselor
- Medical physician
- Nutritionist.
I now live by these three prongs when I counsel folks with eating disorders. Also the additional support has served me well as a counselor, and more importantly, has served my counselees.
Why the Extra Help?
On our best days, I like to think of biblical counselors as “specialists” when it comes to unearthing and tackling heart issues. And we do this by God’s grace—through His Spirit, by His Word, and in His church.
So please hear me that I am well aware that eating disorders are fraught with many heart issues. These heart issues include control, escape, body image distortion, anxiety, depression, distrust of God, confusion about God’s character, fear of man, and the list could go on and on. This list only begins to describe the important themes that a biblical counselor can and should unpack with someone who struggles with an eating disorder.
Is this enough, though? When a woman is abusing her physical body through either deprivation or bingeing of food, is processing heart issues the only help she needs? I can tell you that, from my experience, the answer is “No.”
In fact here are just a few of the ways a physician and nutritionist have come to my aid in counseling folks with eating disorders in the past:
Physician:
- Can tend to the innumerable health problems that are consequential to eating disorders (gastrointestinal disorders, heart problems, low blood sugar, fainting spells, etc.);
- Tests the body for important nutrients that may be low for someone abusing food (e.g. potassium, iron) and can prescribe supplements when needed;
- Will track the patient’s weight over time and can flag if the need for more intensive inpatient care is required;
- Can prescribe psychiatric medication if needed (or a psychiatrist could be used for this as well).
Nutritionist/Dietician:
- Manages everything food-related for the counselee;
- Creates meal plans for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks for a typical day and week;
- Provides specific accountability for food-related plans and goals;
- Conducts weekly weigh-ins (often blind to the patient) for the counselor and physician to refer to in monitoring the counselee’s progress.
As you can see, physicians and nutritionists can be of great help to the biblical counselor in caring for someone with an eating disorder. In fact, their support regarding the patient’s health and food needs allows a biblical counselor more freedom to spend the time in counseling appointments on what we do best—tending to the heart issues underneath the symptoms.
How Does It Work?
In practice, I try to meet weekly with counselees who are actively struggling with an eating disorder. I also suggest weekly meetings with their nutritionist for the sake of ongoing help in food-planning and accountability, as well as regular weigh-ins. Weigh-ins are particularly important for anorexic counselees. Their health and even very life are at risk if their weight drops too low.
Physician appointments do not need to be so frequent, unless specified by the doctor. In general, I find it best to allow the physician to lead the conversation on how frequent the patient needs to see him or her. Frequency of visits will depend upon the specific health challenges that exist due to the eating disorder, which is different for every counselee, of course.
I think it is helpful to check in with the physician and nutritionist every month or so to share notes on the counselee and to discuss next steps in coordinating her care.
Linking Hands
As biblical counselors, we provide an invaluable service of helping others change by addressing the heart issues that underlie thoughts and behaviors. We try to lead people to Christ—to know Him, trust Him, and lean into Him for help with even the hardest struggles. This service is necessary and irreplaceable. That said, in some situations we can do more. In fact, in some situations we NEED to do more.
An eating disorder is one of those situations. Eating disorders can be dangerous with many physical health consequences. Let’s link hands with other experienced caregivers who can advise our counselees on certain matters better than even we can. By caring for our counselees’ souls, minds,and bodies surely we will bring much glory to God.
Join the Conversation
- What are your convictions regarding biblical counselors engaging with other care-giving professionals?
- What else have you found to be helpful and effective as you care for individuals with eating disorders?
- Maybe you have even struggled with an eating disorder yourself. What advice would you give to caregivers?
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Jul 18, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions
When you feel overwhelmed, your emotions can get the best of you, can’t they? And you feel out of control and all alone. The inner noise is deafening!
You need peace and quiet in your soul, don’t you?
When overwhelmed, you may self-sabotage and cut or snarf donuts or call yourself names like “loser” even though God says you blessed and beautiful in Christ. Years ago, I felt like a loser when my first job out of college stressed me to the max, and when I couldn’t get pregnant, and when my mood nose-dived into black after my mom died.
But God doesn’t call us to walk by feelings, right? He calls us to walk by faith!
Click & Tweet!
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7, NIV
Through personal experience and my training as a Christian biblical counselor, I discovered at least 3 solutions to peace and quiet when you’re overwhelmed by life.
Solution #1: Tune In
Tune in to your emotions. They may signal something’s wrong.
a ding-dong hacks your Facebook account. . .ANGER,
your husband is home late, again. . .FRUSTRATION,
the basement floods. . .MORE FRUSTRATION,
your close friend moves away. . .SADNESS,
and the neighbor lady gets a shiny, new Lexis while your car pushes 100,000 miles. . .JEALOUSY.
Recognizing your emotions helps you decide your next constructive action and buoys your hope. In the examples above, you may have thought something like:
“Err! Did the ding-dong steal my personal information too? Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
“Doesn’t my husband care about me? Even worse … is he cheating on me?”
“Is that stupid sump pump busted? Replacing the carpet will cost so much. I am so mad.”
“Now I don’t have any friends.”
“Show off! I hope a tree falls on your pretty car.”
ACTION: Write down one of today’s hard emotions and ask yourself, “What was I thinking at or just before my emotions hijacked my peace”? What you think influences how your feel. Here’s a thought journal that may help.
Solution #2: Remember
Friend, you can’t choose your circumstances but you can remember to whom you belong: Jesus Christ. (If you’re not sure you are a Christian — a person to believes in the person and work of Jesus Christ — please contact me.) Remember:
You are the daughter of God. You have EVERY spiritual blessing now. And you are completely forgiven, now and forever.
Also, you have a home in heaven Jesus is preparing for you now.
ACTION: Read Ephesians 1:3-14 every day. Replace the pronoun us and we with your name.
Solution #3: Go to the One
When your emotions signal that you’re overwhelmed, go to Jesus. Talk with him. Stop trying to figure things out. Turn off the bad tapes that play likes over and over to ad nauseam.
Rather, tell Jesus your burdens. Trust him to work in you so he can shine through you. Your friends, family, neighbors and coworker will notice your bright eyes and smile.
This is what you want, isn’t it? Peace and quiet is the noise of life.
Now What?
I invite you to counsel with me to find hope, peace, and godly contentment. Simply contact me. Reaching out is the first step to healing. By the way, I also meet with counselees ALL OVER THE WORLD by Skype, FaceTime, and WhatsApp. So don’t let proximity get in the way of getting well, okay?.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Jul 6, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions
LUCK? When things go right, is God at work or are you just. . . lucky? Biblical Counselor Julie Ganschow, listed on Heart2Heart Counselor directory here, is director of Reigning Grace Counseling Center in Kansas City, MO. She writes at bc4women.org, where this article first appeared. It is used with permission.
A while back I visted Las Vegas. Even though I know that the city is built on gambling and games of chance, I was still struck by the thousands of people filling casinos playing card games and slot machines hoping to strike it rich on a quarter or a dollar. While out and about, I saw many people wearing their lucky t-shirts and carrying their lucky charms.
How often do you use the word “lucky” in relation to a situation?
I hear people say things like, “Lucky that car stopped when it did.” or “My luck ran out.” Even that childhood saying, “lucky ducky” carries the idea that our fates and fortunes are in the hands of some mystical force called “luck.”
Are Close Calls Just Good Luck?
This got me to thinking. To what should we as Christians credit the things that occur in our daily lives; those close calls and narrow misses. How much of what happens in our lives do we chalk up to luck?
Click & Tweet!
Sometimes I think we say it was providence but really think “luck” because we know that as people of faith it is not acceptable to rely on luck. As Christians, we have all heard the warnings against using the word “luck.” The idea is superstitious and goes against the sovereignty and providence of God.
For he will deliver the needy when he cries for help, The afflicted also, and him who has no helper.Psalm 72:12
Our command is to think biblically about life and all it contains. By His grace, God brings and allows things into our lives. His purpose and intention is multi-faceted, but the overall goal is Christ-likeness. God is orchestrating our circumstances for His glory and our good.
That car didn’t stop before hitting you out of luck, it stopped because it was not in God’s plan for it to hit you. If you were injured or hurt, that too was somehow in His plan. God does not exercise His sovereignty on a whim, or impulsively, but only in a way that His love deems best for us.
God Gives Us Mercy
It is when the Word of God is applied to the heart of a person that understanding comes. Many times we don’t realize that we are not thinking biblically until we sit down and face it in a quiet moment. God is rich in grace and mercy, and He delights in pouring it out on His children. He always stands for us.
Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
Why Don’t We Get What We Deserve?
The Bible says He will deliver the needy when he cries for help (Psalm 72:12). Why?
Why does He shower us with grace and give us mercy? And why does God not give us what we truly deserve?
And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory, Romans 9:23
…so these also now have been disobedient, that because of the mercy shown to you they also may now be shown mercy. Romans 11:31
…and for the Gentiles to glorify God for His mercy; as it is written, “Therefore I will give praise to You among the Gentiles, And I will sing to Your name.” Romans 15:9
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us… so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:4-7
Yes, God shows us mercy because we need it. We need a reprieve from what we have coming to us precisely because we are so sinful. We are the afflicted; we are the dead, the transgressors. Our ugliness and His redemption of us while we were in the ugliest state possible bring Him unbelievable glory.
Glorifying the One True God
All other gods require us to come to them clean and add to our goodness. Jehovah God is the only God who takes us as we are; dead in our trespasses and sins, living in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and by nature children of wrath.
We were not shown mercy and given help because we were so good, but because we were so evil. God did not add His goodness to ours and make us better; He added His goodness to our sinfulness and made us clean. He did for us what we could not do for ourselves.
God helps us and shows us mercy because it glorifies Himself. May He be forever glorified on earth and in the heavens!
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Jun 19, 2018 | biblical counseling, thoughts
Meditation: this word unnerves some Christians. They think it is Eastern-New-Age woo-hoo mysticism. But is all meditation … bad?
On the daily it seems a new yoga studio opens in town or a mindfulness article pops up online. In a 2012 survey by the National Institute of Health, 21 million adults and nearly 2 million children practice yoga, a mind-and-body practice with origins in ancient Indian philosophy. Mindfulness has roots in religious and philosophical systems, too.
BUT … Christian meditation focuses on the Word of God (Joshua 1:8; Psalm 1:2). It is a truly awesome Christian discipline when you fill your mind with God’s truths. Underline: fill your mind with God’s truth!
Click & Tweet!
So the important question is this: What are you meditating on? Three quick questions to consider:
- What is Christian meditation?
- Can Eastern meditation hurt you?
- How to begin Christian meditation.
What Is Christian Meditation?
The dictionary’s defines meditation this way: “To focus on one’s thoughts on; to ponder, think on, or muse.” But focus on what? Christian meditation has a very clear focus: God and his glory. Here are a few verses:
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14
And,
May my mediation be pleasing to Him, for I rejoice in the Lord. Psalm 104:34
Psalm 1:2 and Philippians 4:8 provide answers.
But his delight is in the lawof the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Can Eastern Meditation Hurt You?
No doubt you’ve heard that meditation lessens anxiety as one empties her mind of the cares of the world and “turns inward.” The focus: your feelings.
But relying on your feelings leads you away from the God’s truth. Here’s a crucial question:
- What happens when you dwell on your fears or difficult circumstances?
You lose your peace, don’t you? And you may forget the freedom you have in Christ. And turning inward and focusing on your feelings, rather than God’s loving truth, creates havoc in your soul, doesn’t it? Your heart may be filled with despair or anger or fear.
The antidote: Meditate on God’s promises and presence!
Colossians 3:2-4 says;
Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.
How to Begin Christian Meditation
Christian meditation is focusing on Scripture. Like any new habit, you’ll need to stick with it for it to become second-nature, but you can do it! God will help you! Here are a few ideas on getting started.
Time and Place
Set aside a specific time for reading God’s Word daily. Ideally, choose the same spot to read and meditate on God’s Word. Begin with prayer.
Choose Scripture
It may be tempting to read the latest Christian bestseller. Don’t. Instead, choose a book of the Bible to read through slowly or a section of Scripture.
Read and Reread
Read your selected Scripture once, then read it again. Slow down the second time.
Ask Questions
After reading your selected Scripture twice, ask questions:
- Who is the author and who is he addressing?
- Why is he writing?
- What do the verses say about God? about his audience?
- How does it apply to living a godly life today?
Write a Verse to Meditate On
Now write one of the verses in your selected Scripure to meditate on throughout your day. You may prefer a notecard or the “notes” section of your smartphone.
Pray
Thank God for revealing his truth to your mind. And ask him to help your walk in the loving truth he has revealed.
Counseling Hearts to Hope!
