by Lucy | May 24, 2013 | biblical counseling |
Or, I could say, who or what is the most important person or thing in your life?
If you’re crazy honest, you’d probably say you think YOU are most important. The way you act and respond, how you treat others and why, which concerns top your list — they’re mostly about you, right?
The One who knows our twisted tendencies to forget him, forget others, forget our nation, and to elevate self, He gave us the royal command and repeated it. Several times.
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. (Luke 10.27)
God, yes. Others, yes. You? Not so much. God knows you and I are selfish at heart.
With this in mind, may I ask you something? How all you celebrating this Monday.
Celebrating Memorial Day?
It’s Memorial Day, the day Americans remember the men and women in the Armed Forces who died for our freedom. Thank God for them, will you? Remember their families, please.
Especially the girls without a daddy to exclaim, “You look pretty in your prom dress.”
Especially the boys without a mom to say, “You’re growing up into a fine young man. I’m proud to be your mom.”
Words never said. Six feet under.
This weekend when you thump watermelons for your picnic, please say a prayer for the courageous men and women who are right now, this very instant, putting their lives on the line for you and your Memorial Day, a great day for grilling, a party day signaling the start of summer, a perfect day to remember.
Pray for the families of the fallen, too. Here’s the poignant photo. It’s been around the web and I don’t know who snapped it. Look close.
A 1,000-Word Photo
I pray that when you and I go about our Monday, we remember.
photo credit: Darwin Bell via photopin cc
Blessings of Hope!
by Lucy | May 17, 2013 | emotions
. . .and you thought it passed.
Sure, the flowers are wilted, the chocolate savored, and Starbucks’ cards — thank you, family — slipped in wallet for a must-have-caffeine kinda day. And. . .
laundry piles. Dishes overflow sink. Dust bunnies waltz.
Kids drop shoes IN THE MIDDLE OF ROOMS, where people walk and trip and roll eyes.
Doesn’t this sound like grumbling, these bye-gone chocolates and laundry piles: John 6:43?
It Could Be Worse!
Rather than an inconvenience of skirting shoes, couldn’t I — like many of you — be living tough stuff now? Look at the graphic up top. Click it to see it up close. I pinned it to Pinterest and others re-pinned. Facebook friends shared it. Last time I looked way over a thousand saw and liked and “got it.” Motherhood is not for sissies.
Infertility. Depression. Anxiety. Rebellious kids. Babies with special needs. Addictions. Abortion.
This is tough stuff that often is not discussed in church. Or when it is, the moms (or wannabe moms) and hurting people in general sometimes receive no comfort and sometimes condemnation.
One Southern woman I counseled by Skype had confided in a female leader at her church a little about her life. This leader later called her a liar. The woman told me she did lie then lied about lying; there is so so so much more to the story than that. So much more. Why couldn’t this leader show compassion like Jesus rained on the woman at the well (John 4:4-26)?
Do you need a compassionate listener? When someone in the church offended you, how did you respond? Did you lean toward God or away?
It Can Be Better
Mom, you can live a better life of hope and joy. This is God’s will for you too. Difficult times come. Yet you can learn how to handle them from a Gospel viewpoint. The Gospel is the Person and work of Jesus Christ.
Here’s one example. As circumstances — “my husband looks at internet porn” — evoke a response — “I give him the silent treatment” — you may have messy thoughts — “when he looks at naked women, I get angry” — which reveal your motives: the idol of fear.
This sounds bad and it is, for idol worship is sinful, but good news abounds.
- If your church offers biblical counseling, make an appointment.
- If you’re in a healthy, caring small group, share your struggles confidentially.
- If you are no longer in a church or sense there isn’t a safe place to share at your church, may I pray for you and ask you to consider contacting me? As you may know, I am a certified biblical counselor through the Association of Biblical Counselors and a graduate of Western Seminary, Portland, OR, in Pastoral Care to Women, and this is the cool thing:
I counsel women from all over the world using Skype. You see me and I see you, from the convenience of your home.
You can find hope that leads to joy. God is good. Got questions? Drop me a note.
P.S. During the next several weeks I’ll update and post my readers’ favorite posts. I’ll have a surprise for you in July when I unveil my new website with new, highly practical resources for you .
Blessings of Hope!
by Lucy | May 7, 2013 | biblical counseling
I asked a few hundred women in a Facebook group this Q: What is your top mama need?
Three kept popping up: A support system of family and friends, time alone, and encouragement.
Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’ll address yours in a blog post or give you an answer by email. 🙂
Also please leave a comment! Comments give encouragement to me and others. 🙂
Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post and type your comment. Thanks!
Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of taking a timeout. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!
What a Time Out Is NOT
When a mama takes a time out, she is not beating herself up.
I need to do more. I’m a bad mom. The laundry’s flowing over baskets. Err, this counter is sticky, this floor is stick, I’m sticky. I suck.
In your time out you do NOT start planning. Hey, if I’m taking a time out, I might as well get busy planning my day, my week, my month, my life. NO! Do NOT go here.
You do NOT rehearse “what if’s.” What if I were thinner or toner or smarter or organized?
Do you beat yourself up sometimes, thinking you should do more or do different? Isn’t this a recipe for anxiety?
What a Time Out Is!
A time out is a time to rest. Sure, take a nap if you need one. But here I am focusing on resting the mind, bathing the Spirit in Jesus’ invitation. You know it, don’t you?
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
These are power words, this time out invitation. Disconnecting with worry and busyiness. Connect with the One who loves you best. Amen.
Among the women I counsel biblically, I register not only a lack of soul rest but also iffy self care. Easy to remedy self care. Here are the three most important:
1. Drink water, about 6 to 8 8-ounces a day. Water has many healing properties. I’ll write a post soon on the spiritual and emotional healing properties of water. Incidentally, soda pop is not water.
2. Get enough sleep, about 7 to 10 hours daily. Set a time to get ready for bed and a time to wake up. Again, there are spiritual and emotional health benefits to sleep.
3. Move. You don’t have to join a gym or sign up for Zumba. Just move. Walks are perfect. Stretch. Breath deep from the belly.
What’s Next
When you read a post suggesting change, you make feel overwhelmed. Change is hard. You may feel defeated or think, “I tried that before and I quit after three days, so why bother?”
Why bother?
Take a time out to refresh and regroup because you matter, you are valuable, you are significant. Your children (toddlers or married adults) are watching how you take care of yourself and spend your time. God rested, didn’t he?
Take a time out and rest in Jesus. Go to him. He’s waiting. Find rest for your soul.
Coming up in the “Mama Needs a Break” series: Your Next Big Thing!
photo credit: Myxi via photopin cc
Blessings and Hope!
by Lucy | Apr 2, 2013 | biblical counseling |
Abandonment hurts bad. The people who were supposed to love you pushed you away. They left, physically or emotionally or both. So now what?
Like bubble gum in hair, the hurt of abandonment sticks. Thank God it also awakens you to dream the highest dream: an authentic, life-giving relationship with Jesus, who lavishes you with love, teaches you that you matter, and comforts you.
Kc Hutter, author of her memoir A Broken Heart, knows abandonment. She lived it, this life of loss.
Let’s look at abandonment in this seventh post in the “Mending a Broken Heart” blog series. You can read the other posts (on divorce, a child’s death, addiction, and other tough stuff) here. You can learn more Kc’s book and buy it here.
Am I a Freak?
Women who’ve faced abandonment wonder if they are or ever will be normal.
The abandonment may be deep, like a dad who skips town and never returns, or is caused by another shattered dream: a friend moves away, a teenage son or daughter refuses your values, a trusted coworker gossips about you. You shrink. One-inch tall, that’s all.
Don’t feelings of rejection cut to your core? Haven’t you felt unwanted?
Click & Tweet!
Listen to Kc’s pain.
People often asked, ‘Why do you live with your uncle and aunt? Your folks, brothers, and sister live close, why not live at home?’
‘I don’t know,’ I answered. Wondering, am I a freak?
I heard stories: Dad wanted his sister, Louise, to raise a child but she could not get pregnant. Mother already had four children and couldn’t take care of the ones she had. Not enough food for the whole family.
Did my parents say, ‘We have four children, which one should we give away?’ Or maybe they made their choice using the flower petal rhyme, ‘She loves us. She loves us not. We love her. We love her not.’ As I imagined the petals falling, I realized I’d always wonder.
I was driven away by my aunt and uncle. Sitting alone in the back seat, I looked out the window, tapped the glass, and said good-bye. Tears dripped onto my little green, tin suitcase.
Kc was 2; her little brother, a newborn. There wasn’t room for all of them, toddler Kc was told. Her parents said it was for the best, this leaving, because her aunt wanted a little girl. When Kc moved out of the only home she knew, fear moved in.
Her little heart hurt. Badly.
Looking for Love
Kc looked to the heavens. Please Lord, I need to hear “I love you” out loud. I need someone’s arms to reach around and hold me.
Her aunt and uncle? Cold. They sometimes said mean things about her mom, that she never picked up baby Kc or changed her diapers.
Fast forward to high school graduation and marriage.
Within the year she’d marry her high school sweetheart, become pregnant, give birth to one baby then another. She promised God she’d give her little ones lots of hugs and kisses and say “I love you’s.” And she did.
Haven’t you made a decision you’d undo if you could because you ached for love?
Click & Tweet!
Kc’s husband, Delmer, traveled out of town week after week. The handsome bar owner poured her drink after drink and paid her the attention she craved. Delmer and Kc moved to another state then divorced, and soon she met Anthony. They became lovers and a year later, she and her sons (now teens) fled from her alcoholic, volatile live-in, fearing physical abuse.
She married again. Then she divorced. Always looking for love.
And then. . .she met her true Lover, Jesus, the one who’d never abandon her, or you. “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'” (Hebrews 13:5b). Later, Kc met her current husband, Jerry. They’ve been married nearly 30 years. Isn’t it reassuring you can heal?
How YOU Mend
As you read Kc’s story, didn’t you see a hint of your own? Abandonment is pervasive. Like mold in a shower, it blackens the grout until you submit to Christ’s will and he cleanses you from the inside out. This is key:
Christ gave his life for you in order to give his life to you so that he could live his live through you.
Click & Tweet!
Timothy Lane and Paul Trip in How People Change say:
Nothing is subtle about the ongoing war that rages throughout the Christian life. Trials and temptations about, but we respond to them from a new vantage point.
We can change our perspective of abandonment. Here are just three ideas.
1. Recognize that God blesses you. He is for you. You belong to him, and he wants you to experience the abundant life.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10.
2. Determine to want what God wants: a loving relationship with Jesus. Let go of lesser pleasures that entice. Seek the greatest pleasure and spend your life enjoying God.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7
3. Embrace the truth that God uses the pain of trials, including abandonment, to increase your desire for the highest dream.
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7.
Isn’t it wonderful to know that you belong to God? That you can spend the rest of your life enjoying him? That your pain has a goal: to take on the character of God!
An Invitation
Friends, we gave one hope: Christ. In him we have everything we need to live a fruitful and godly life now. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have this? If you’re in a trial and would like biblical counsel to grow and change, I invite you to consider biblical counseling.
I’m a biblical counselor, certified by the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors and by the Association of Biblical Counselors. I also am a graduated of Western Seminary, Portland, OR in Pastoral Care to Women, and am working toward a doctorate in Biblical Counseling.
I meet with counselees (women, teen girls, and couples) in person and by Skype.
May our great God bless you, as I know he will. Ephesians 1:3
Sharing Hope for Your Heart,
by Lucy | Mar 21, 2013 | biblical counseling |
You can heal after a child’s death. Or any loss. Your path is grief, messy grief.
Did you know that the world’s way of grieving leads toward hopelessness, while God’s plan for grief brings healing and draws you closer to him?
This is the fifth of eight posts in the blog series “Mending a Broken Heart.” My prayer: You’ll experience hope and healing as we journey through the pain of tough stuff like abuse and divorce and addiction and the death of a child. You can read the first four posts here. Please contact me with any questions, comments, and prayer requests. I’m here for you.
My Facebook buddy Kc Christman Hutter, author of A Broken Heart, grieved the death of her son Cam, who died of acute leukemia at age 32. See what happened during his last seven days on earth before he entered glory.
Grieve but How?
You’re familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ five-stage model of grieving, based on her research into how terminally ill patients handle the news of their illness:
from denial (“this can’t be true!)
to anger (“why me? why my child?”)
to bargaining (“God, if you heal my child then I’ll be the best mom ever”)
to depression (“yes, me. . .yes, my child”)
and finally acceptance (“life goes on but how?”).
Is this the best way to grieve?
The widely accepted model of grief is world-based, not Word-grounded. It describes how people typically grieve; it fails to prescribe a better way. It’s normal to hurt when a child or other loved one dies. It’s normal to hurt when you face any loss: a job, a friendship, a pet, health. It’s necessary to grieve.
What is this Word-grounded grief, this godly grief? How do you begin?
The apostle Paul knew hurt and grieve and he shared candidly with the believers in Corinth. Listen for his honesty. “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life” (2 Corinthians 1:8).
The First Two Steps of Godly Grieving
Paul expressed truth of suffering and grief. No sugar-coating. No denial.
Kc Hutter didn’t fake it either.
I needed to grieve. My heart demanded it. The first night after his death, I took a sleeping pill and had a horrendous nightmare. In the vivid scene, I was myself being sucked out into the ocean. No boat, no Cameron, only a wooden plank. I grabbed the plank and hung on until my muscles hurt and my red, bloody fingers ached. Finally my body numbed. Blackness enfolded everything. . ..I knew I could drown in my sorrow. This grief for my son seemed never ending. I wanted to die. But as a Christian, I felt ashamed of those feelings. Rest came for a few minutes and only when I put myself under the wings of my heavenly Father. I have hope. But how can I make it though each day?
1. Candor. This is the first stage of biblical grieving, says Robert Kellemen in God’s Healing for Life’s Losses. If you’re stuck in grief, I highly recommend you read Kellemen’s book. It renews your thinking about suffering and guides the reader from hurt to hope.
I remember when I learned my mom died. A phone call. Horrid, blackened news from a police officer. My first response: “Is this some sick joke?” Once I grasped the truth — and this took several days, for others it may be weeks — I felt crushed, my heart heavy like boulder.
Kellemen invites us to honestly voice our pain like the psalmist David, fearless facing the facts: “I hurt.”
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Psalm 42:5)
Denial doesn’t work. Candor does.
2. Complaint. Did I just write complaint as though I recommend you scream, “God, how could you allow this evil, this suffering, this horror?”
Nope.
Biblical complaint is a lament, complaining to God not about God. As Kellemen says, “The Scriptures are clear–God invites lament, complaint. The Bible repeatedly illustrates believers responding to God’s invitation with honest words that would make many a modern Christian shudder” (God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, p. 32).
Can you guess Satan’s counterfeit to biblical complaint? Unhealthy, destructive anger, the type that accuses God of evil-doing, of lacking goodness.
I confess that after my mom died, I told God he made a mistake. My audacity!
What should I have said? What should you? What does a biblical complaint sound like?
A biblical complaint is honesty with God and expresses not only your confusion over how a good God allows evil and suffering but also your trust in him. You hide nothing from him. You tell him my pain. I wrote in journal after journal after journal.
I ripped up those journals because I never wanted anyone to read them. Ever.
My words, raw. My emotions, splattered, messy.
Kc voiced her pain too. She asked God for reassurance.
After I finished work one night, I walked into Cam’s office and fell on my knees with my face on the floor, pleading, ‘God, here I am again, needing a word of wisdom. Where did my darling son end up at the end of his earthly voyage? Tell me again, God, that he’s with You.’
Then What?
Godly grief sidesteps bargaining and depression. Instead you and I cry to God for help and receive his comfort, ushering us to trusting with faith, groaning with hope, and engaging with grace and love. This grief is crazy-messy. Two steps forward, stumble, trip, fall flat-out and get up. And we choose.
As we grieve God’s way, we choose to entrust ourselves to God and to his larger purposes, this eternal perspective that gives hope.
About Kc and New Life
Kc was brought up in the church but did not have a personal relationship with Jesus until after her second divorce. She told the Lord in prayer, weeping and clutching her uncle’s Bible: “I’ve made such a mess of my life doing it my may. I forgot how much you love me. Forgive me.” God gave her the strength to pen a memoir and the hope to guide those who are hurting and without hope to the Mender of Broken Hearts.
Kc is married and lives in Washington State. She is the mother of two adult sons, one of whom died of cancer and is now with the Lord, and a grandmother.
A Few Questions
1. When grieving have you tended to draw near to God or pull away? Why?
2. After a loss do you tend to shut down, lash out, or talk with God?
3. How have you handled the question, Why does a good God allow suffering and evil?
Hope for You
Save me, O my God. The floods have risen.
Deeper and deeper I sink in the mire;
the waters rise around me.
I have wept until I am exhausted;
my throat is dry and hoarse;
my eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to act.
(Psalm 69:1-3, TLB)
photo credit: ‘PixelPlacebo’ via photopin cc
Hope and Blessings!
