ADDICTION Book: How NOT to Raise an Addict!

addictionAddiction? Is your kid at risk? In Mark Shaw’s booklet How Not to Raise an Addict, you learn the 5 mentalities that makes a kid susceptible to addiction. Reviewed by Ellen Castillo, whose profile is listed here on Heart2Heart Counseling Directory. Ellen’s review appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition.

Your Parenting Matters

Mark Shaw has written a booklet that is excerpted from his more in-depth book Addiction Proof Parenting: Biblical Prevention Strategies. In this booklet, Mark gives us an overview of the five basic mentalities of “addictive” thinking. He believes that when children develop these mentalities, it can lead to addictive choices and behaviors later in life.

Mark presents a challenge to parents as they disciple their children. By walking them through the five mentalities, he gives us a roadmap for determining if our parenting encourages unbiblical thinking that could lead to addictive behavior down the line.

He begins with an important discussion of the need for mind-renewal (Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23). Mark states,

We are all in need of transformed thinking so that we can discern the acceptable and perfect will of God. In other words, transformed thinking enables us to know what pleases God and benefits us when we actually put these things into practice (p. 2).

The Five Mentalities

The bulk of the booklet gives us a brief but fairly in-depth view of these five mentalities:

  1. Entitlement mentality (thinking everything is deserved)
  2. Consumer mentality (acquiring what he perceives is deserved)
  3. Victim mentality (when he thinks his entitlement and consumer needs are not being met, he feels he is a victim of unfairness so he blames others)
  4. Perishing mentality (a victim feels self-pity and “learned helplessness” that leads to rebellion)
  5. Rebellious mentality (“why should I try” attitude, leading to foolishness and a desire to be his own boss)

These mentalities all build upon each other, according to Mark’s understanding of addictive thinking (p.1).

Mark offers us the biblical antidotes for the mentalities he presents. He unpacks these for us, which is helpful and insightful. He teaches us that cultural parenting is counterproductive if we want to raise biblical thinkers.

As you read this booklet, you may recognize yourself in some of these mentalities (as I did). The booklet gives us tools to examine our own hearts as parents and counselors. This way we can recognize unbiblical thinking in our children and in our counselees and their parents. He also lays out a path for how to instill biblical concepts in order to counter the culture our children experience.

Mark walks us through much Scripture, which is what I appreciated most about this booklet. He shows us that the Bible is truly sufficient to inform our thinking as well as our parenting. He not only offers instruction for us, but he also offers encouragement and reminders of God’s grace.

Also he tells the reader that “Scripture teaches that God is sovereign, but man is also responsible” (p. 35). This encourages parents to be faithful in their child’s discipleship, but to understand that the outcomes are not up to them, as the child grows to make their own choices. The principles he encourages us to teach our children are biblical and that is what parents are called to be faithful to.

A Guide for Biblical Thinking

addictionMark gives us a brief overview of his biblical view of addiction. Addictions do not give us an escape from personal responsibility, and calling addiction a “disease” does not change this (p.35). His teaching has impacted me personally (as well as my counseling ministry) as I have been challenged to view addiction biblically. If you have not taken an in-depth look at a biblical view of addiction, I encourage you to read Mark’s books on addiction. He has become my go-to resource when I encounter addictive behavior in my counselees of all ages.

This booklet is a helpful guide for counselors who are working with parents as they disciple their children to think and live biblically. Parents would benefit from utilizing the booklet as a guide towards changing their approach in their parenting. The purpose of the book states that it is to help avoid raising someone with addictive thinking, but I believe that the mentalities described in it could help avoid other kinds of unbiblical choices and behaviors as well. This is an excellent discipleship tool, and it leads me to want to dig in to Mark’s other parenting book as well.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

 

Help for “Harmless” Addiction!

addictionIsn’t it true that addiction may look harmless?

Yet anything that enslaves you harms you. Thank God, He empowers you to overcome an addiction.

Hard work helps. Workaholism harms.

Eating good food — satisfying. Bingeing for comfort — sad.

Clothing your kids in cute outfits rocks. A shopping addiction hurts.

Karrie’s story

Driving her minivan to the mall, Karrie* told herself she’d buy only one outfit for her seven-year-old daughter. She had made this promise last week and broke it. “I can do it this time,” she pep-talked. Three hours and many shopping bags later, she collapsed on her couch and cried. “I can’t do anything right.” (*not her real name)

Her challenge? Overcoming an addiction by loving God most of all.

What’s an Addiction?

An addiction is a bondage of the heart and body to something that produces immediate pleasure or relief. This bondage becomes increasingly destructive over time. It rules the heart, promising the sensation of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

Addictions have an object, such as:

  • Visual stimuli like pornography or television;
  • Ingested substance like food, alcohol, or pills;

Indulging in addiction brings short-term pleasure. But in the long term, the soul and body experience pain and decay. Relationships suffer. Bank accounts shrink. And the lie of “just one more” deceives.

Disconnected!

If you think Christians are immune to addiction, think again. When our craving conflicts with Scripture, we don’t always live according to what we say we believe. Karrie says “Jesus is Lord” at church on Sunday, and on Monday she itches to shop. Her husband says he loves his wife yet views pornography.

This disconnect is described in Scripture. In Romans 1, the apostle Paul says,

“We all know many things about God and his law, but we suppress those truths when they interfere with our wants and desires,” writes Ed Welch in Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave.

“As a result, it is as if we practice two religions. We believe one thing, but really believe another. . .(that) we can make the laws we live by, not God.”

When you or I reject Christ’s rule, we become enslaved to something. We exchange the wonderful for the unholy because we want self-rule. The created thing enslaves us. We become cold to God.

How to Get Free

Most important to overcoming an addiction: Invite a stronger power to rule. Consider Jesus’ question,

Or how can anyone enter the strong man’s house and carry off his property, unless he first binds the strong man? Matthew 12:29

Here are two more important ways to overcoming addiction:

1. Pray to be mastered by nothing but the Lord and pursue knowing Christ.

2. Confess your sin and repent, or turn away from addiction. You cannot go half-way. You need to totally eradicate it.

Now What?

If you love Christ, then you have everything you need to overcome an addiction.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” 1 Peter 1:3

Yet spiritual battles cannot be won alone. Addictions like to stay private. God invites people dealing with addictions of any sort to share their struggle with the church of Christ. The church is people who say Jesus is Savior and are growing in their love for God and one another.

Yes, the church is full of sinners. Yes, some churches have significant problems. But a Bible-believing group of believers will welcome the hurting and help them.

And some people struggling with addictions want the advantages of biblical counseling too.

If you’re interested in someone coming alongside you, listening to your story, and helping you find hope in Christ, please contact me or one of the vetted biblical counselors listed in Heart2Heart Counselor Directory.

 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20.

Blessings of hope for your heart,

Overly Dependent on a Person?

dependent
Do you think you may be overly dependent on a friend, or your friend is overly dependent on you?

Three clues:

1. You do something for someone else that she can do for herself and/or

2. You’re dependent on another person to the point of being controlled or manipulated by that person and/or

3. You lie (or sin in another way) to keep the peace or get the other’s approval.

A modern term for this sort of dependence, or “people addiction,” is co-dependent. Psychologists first used in the 1970s to describe family members of alcoholics who adapted to destructive behavior in unhealthy ways, such as calling the boss of a hungover alcoholic and saying she has the flu.

The Bible has a better term, a more accurate term: a misplaced dependency.

A person with a misplaced dependency cares more what another person says and thinks than she seeks God. You could call it idol worship of . . .a person.

You shall have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:3, NIV 

Strong Is Weak?

Says radio show host, biblical counselor, and author June Hunt:

One person is seen as weak and the other as strong. The weak one appears totally dependent on the strong one.

But the one who appears strong actually is weak because of the excessive need to be needed by the weak one. In fact, the strong one needs for the weak one to stay weak, which in turn keeps the strong one feeling strong.

This craziness played out in my relationship with my own mom. Growing up I learned to agree with my mom. Disagreement invited her silent treatment. And I hated silent treatments . . . so I agreed with my mom. I wanted her approval badly enough to lie. Have you lied to keep peace? 

If she said she did back flips on Chicago sidewalks, I said, “Wow. Cool.” If she said I was tone deaf, I chimed, “Yeah. I know.” She needed my affirmation and I needed hers. Was she the weak one? Or me?

In your friendships, do you have an excessive need to be needed?

Making Up Problems

A person with a misplaced dependency may manufacture a crisis then come to the rescue. She’s crazy-glue connected and overly responsible.

Sometimes after a legitimate crisis — such as a monstrous flood or a death in the family — a “helpful” person gives help long after it’s needed or wanted.

Then there are the little examples, such as:

  • a dad who ties the shoes of his able-bodied 10 year old.
  • a mom who writes her son’s high school English paper.
  • a friend who insists on buying lunch every time you get together even though you can afford it.

The strong one wants to help but. . .harms.

What God Says

God understands. Co-dependency stories dot the bible, and we discover the high cost of misplaced dependencies.

Remember Samson and Delilah? Delilah manipulated weak-willed Samson. What about Rebekah and her son Jacob? Rebekah easily convinces Jacob to lie and deceive his father, Isaac, to obtain the birthright of the firstborn (which belongs to Esau).

God’s desire for you is this: living each day dependent on the Lord. As you submit to the Lord, you will have peace, you will have contentment, and you will experience his presence.

This is one reason why God says:

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7

What’s Next?

If you think you may have misplaced dependencies or know someone who is, you can:

  1. Learn more. A great book is Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
  2. Have a heart-to-heart with a wise, compassionate Christian friend of the same gender.
  3. Talk with a biblical counselor at your church or community, or with me. A seminary-trained, certified biblical counselor, I’ve counseled hope to thousands of women by Skype and in person. Click here for FAQs.

Sharing hope with your heart,

Stop Food Cravings and Glorify God

food cravingsFood cravings come on quick and strong, don’t they? You’re driving along singing to KLOVE or whataver, and out of nowhere food cravings strike.You may crave a Snickers bar or chips or ice cream or a Ding Dong. Perhaps you crave strawberries, carrots, or freshly baked multi-grain bread.

Up the road sits a 7-Eleven, beckoning.

In this short article, let’s look at…

  1. Biological food cravings versus emotional food cravings
  2. A biblical solution to food cravings

Choose Your Choice 

So what should you do when hit by food cravings?

A. Try your very, very best to ignore them.

B. Proceed to the 7-Eleven and get the goodies..

Well, it depends! Biological food cravings differ from emotional food cravings. It’s wise to fill the biological kind because your body needs what is craves. Just think of how delicious a glass of water is when you are super thirsty. So when you fulfill this type of craving, you’ll think and feel better. But fight the temptation of emotional food cravings. If you cave, you’ll feel worse, and you’ll miss out on God’s best too.

So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

Biological or Emotional?

Here’s a simple what to tell whether your food cravings are biological or emotional:

When you have a biological food craving and fulfill it, you feel nourished. And it doesn’t take much food to meet such a need either. One bagel, a wedge or two of low-fat cheese, or a couple of chocolates–that’s it.

In contrast, emotional food cravings aren’t about food. They are an attempt to meet a need apart from God. An emotional eater looks for comfort in food. Sometimes it follows “I’m a loser” self-talk. And a small treat is never enough. Never.

Emotional eaters confuse love and self-acceptance with food. It is their drug of choice. Their god.

Solution to Food Cravings

The good news is by obeying and trusitn God, your can have victory over food cravings.

To have victory, you’ll need to break the vicious cycle of emotional eating. You can make this break when you begin desiring what God desires and, with God’s help, change your heart. Your heart is the immaterial part of you where your motivations, beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions reside.

For life transformation you need heart transformation!

God’s life-changing power helps you embrace a right perspective of food, make good and godly food choices, straighten out your thinking on food, and practice, practice, practice. A great resource with helps for those times you mess up — and we all mess up sometimes — is Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by biblical counselor Elyse Fitzpatrick.

God wants you to live life based on truth, not emotions. The truth of who he is. The truth of who you are. His truth is sure. Our emotions go up and down like an elevator.

Now emotions are fine; God gave them to us. You and I must not trust them to influence our decisions. We need to turn to truth.

10 Tips for Healthy Choices

Here’s truth talk on healthy eating. You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating:

~ Choose water over coffee and soda pop.

~ Shrink your portions by using smaller plates.

~ If you desire seconds, go for the veggies.

~ Eat at least five vegetables and fruits daily.

~ Choose whole grains.

~ Limit your consumption of sugar.

~ Skip foods with ingredients you cannot pronounce.

~ Sit down during meals.

~ Eat slowly.

~ Remember eating becomes sacred when it becomes worship.

Remember the Bible verse I mentioned? So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Let this command guide your motivations and desires.

When you do, then everything — from washing dishes and sweeping floors to helping your children with homework and writing blog posts — can be worship. As long as you line up your thoughts with God’s, the simplest things become sacred.

And so it is with food.

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Sharing hope with your heart,

 

How to Stop Bad Eating Habits

cupcakeDid you know that among the best ways to stop bad eating habits is to stop telling yourself lies?

Sure, you may weigh a few pounds more than you’d like. Or a lot more. You may even be underweight!

But are you self-sabotaging by telling yourself speaking lies to yourself?

Kelly tells herself things like, “You’re fat. You’re ugly. What a loser.” She’s anxious about the holidays, afraid she’ll be tempted by cookies, give in to her bad eating habits, and feel horrible about herself A part of her doesn’t want to attend her office party, even her family gathering.

These thoughts lead to more negative thinking: “I’ll be all alone. No one will miss me. No one cares.” Do you fear you may overeat and feel like a total screw-up? That you’ll never succeed over emotional eating? There’s hope.

What Is Emotional Eating?

To have victory over bad eating habits, you’ll need to break the cycle of emotional eating. Emotional eating is turning to food to feel better. The problem is, you end up feeling worse and eat more. Or eat nothing.

When Cara mothered three cute preschoolers, she sometimes baked a cake for dessert to serve after dinner. While the little ones snuggled for a post-lunch nap, she sliced a wedge of cake for a snack and ate it. Feeling guilty and fearing her husband would find out, and even call her names, she bake a second cake. What happened to the first cake?

She gobbled at least half and smashed the rest in the trash. Worse than her stomachache, she lost self-respect. The lies, the deception, the realization that she needed help to overcome emotional eating–all these weight on her.

Did you know you can stop bad eating habits when you begin desiring what God desires? He desires that you love him above all else. He desires your heart. In the Bible, the heart refers to your inner control center of your motivations, beliefs, thoughts, emotions and actions.

As in water face reflects face,

So a man’s heart reveals the man. Proverbs 27:19

God’s life-changing power helps you embrace a right perspective of food, make good and godly food choices, straighten out your thinking on food, and be successful. A great resource for those times you mess up — and we all mess up sometimes — is Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by biblical counselor Elyse Fitzpatrick.

Choosing the Truth

You know God wants you to live life based on truth, not emotions. The truth of who he is. The truth of who you are. His truth is sure.

Our emotions go up and down like an elevator. Now emotions are fine; God gave them to us. But you must not trust them to influence your decisions. You need to choose truth.

Back in college I survived on wheat thins, pizza, and Diet Coke. Bad eating habits and lies.

My weight was fine. But my pizza bloat prompted nasty thoughts—you fatso, you idiot, you idiotic fatso—and sometimes a stop by the women’s dorm bathroom, where I pressed my fingers to the back of my throat, hoping to throw up.

1. Recognizing Lies You Repeat

Identifying the lies you say to yourself isn’t as easy as it may sound. If you’ve made a habit of repeating the lies to yourself, they may appear truthful.

Don’t be duped. Line up what you say to yourself with God’s truth. A helpful Bible verse:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. (Philippians 4:8, NIV)

Let’s take a common lie many women struggle with: “I’m ugly.”

Ask yourself, Is this true according to God? Really think about it. Would God say, “You are ugly”? Down deep you know he’d never say this because God is love and all his works are wonderful. Including you.cupcake

2. Identify Your Triggers

Pay attention to the times and places and situations that trigger emotional eating.

Kelly’s triggers: Any sort of rejection as well as certain childhood memories.

Cara’s triggers: Loneliness and a difficult marriage.

Mine: A desire for other’s approval.

All of these triggers are based on the lie that God doesn’t care. The truth is you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), which has been marred by sin and the fall (Romans 5:19), is being restored in the life of believers of Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:24). The cross proves God cares.

While holding tight to this truth, it’s wise to avoid places and situations that trigger emotional eating. For instance, if tempted to buy a bag of chips at a certain convenience store on your way home from work, you could either drive another street or repeat a helpful verse to remind yourself of the truth of God’s power and care. One helpful to me is 2 Peter 1:3:

His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who has called us by His own glory and excellence.

This verse reminded me that I didn’t need to search around for a secret solution. I already had everything I needed to face temptation and triggers. What has helped you triumph over your triggers to emotional eating? If your triggers are plaguing you, what’s one action you can take today to help?

3. Replace Destructive Self-Talk with Truth-Telling

I’ve discussed how to do this in this popular post. In short, you write down truth that counter the lies you identified in step 1 above. You keep telling yourself the truth each time your self-talk goes south. Within a few weeks, you’ll make a huge dent in the habit of destructive self-talk.

My counselees have found journaling in a certain method I teach to be exceeding helpful. I’d love to show you. Just ask for by complimentary journal template.

Just for YOU!

Did you know I counsel women by Skype all over the world and in person in the greater Chicago area? Click here to find out more about my no-cost consultation by phone. Or simply read about how I counsel compassionately and effectively through God’s unparalleled word.

Feel free to contact me with your questions. I try to answer each one I receive.

Counseling Hope to Your Heart,

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