7 Tips to Say ‘I’m Sorry’
We’ve all been there. We get stressed out, emotions run high, and before we know it, we’ve said something that scorches the person we love. And let’s be honest, sometimes we think we’re justified. After all, they did push our buttons, right?
But Scripture has a better way. It’s not about clinging to our anger or dismissing our wrongs. It’s about confession and forgiveness. And the first step in that? Saying, “I’m sorry.” But not just any “I’m sorry”—we’re talking about a real, heartfelt apology that repairs the relationship.
Take Jack and Jill, for example. They seemed to have it all together—steady jobs, a beautiful home, kids, and an eleven-year marriage. But things weren’t as perfect as they seemed.
Jack had a temper that flared up whenever he didn’t get what he wanted. Jill, on the other hand, let her frustrations simmer quietly under the surface. Both had dug themselves into a pattern of reactive anger that only deepened their relational rift.
They knew something had to change, so they turned to biblical counseling. What they learned was this: Anger is the root of the conflict (Matthew 5:21-22, James 4:1-2). And the solution? It wasn’t blaming one another or chalking it up to hormones or upbringing. It was recognizing their own sin and learning how to apologize properly. Here are seven steps they learned, and they’re going to change the way you think about saying “I’m sorry.”
1. Address Everyone Included
It’s not just about admitting your wrongs to God (though that’s a must). If your actions affected someone, you’ve got to confess that too. That means everyone involved. For Jill, that meant acknowledging how her frustration affected Jack and their kids—not just God. Real change starts when you own the full scope of your impact.
2. Avoid ‘If,’ ‘But,’ and ‘Maybe’
If you’re truly sorry, don’t use these words. They make your apology sound more like an excuse than a confession. Think about it: “I’m sorry if I upset you” is not an apology; it’s a deflection. It puts the onus on the other person to decide whether you’ve wronged them. Instead, own it: “I’m sorry for what I did”. Period. No excuses. No blaming. Just honesty.
3. Admit Specifically
Vague apologies don’t cut it. Saying “I acted like a jerk” is a start, but it doesn’t show you understand the specific hurt you caused. Instead, say something like: “I’ve been taking my stress out on you, and that was wrong. I shouldn’t have snapped at you when I was feeling overwhelmed.” The more specific you are, the more likely the person is to see your sincerity. And don’t forget: own the violation of God’s will, too. Acknowledging where you missed the mark spiritually helps solidify your apology.
4. Acknowledge the Hurt
Here’s where you move from an apology to reconciliation: acknowledging how your actions affected the other person. It’s one thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it’s another to say, “I know that when I didn’t come home until late, you felt worried and neglected.” Acknowledging the other person’s pain shows empathy and genuine sorrow for what you’ve done. It’s a sign of true repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10).
5. Accept the Consequences
There’s no apology without accountability. Own the aftermath of your actions. For example, if you broke something, offer to pay for the repairs. If you’ve wounded someone, be willing to do the hard work of restoring trust. Think Zacchaeus (Luke 19:8)—he didn’t just apologize; he paid back what he owed. The more you’re willing to make things right, the more likely the other person will believe your apology.
6. Alter Your Behavior
If you keep doing the same thing, what’s the point of saying “sorry”? Changing your behavior is where the rubber meets the road. Jack and Jill both realized their anger was rooted in selfish desires. Jack wanted peace; Jill wanted comfort. But they had to let go of those desires and start working toward reconciliation. And that meant speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), keeping no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5), and listening to each other (James 1:19). Write a plan for how you’ll change. It shows you’re serious about your apology.
7. Ask for Forgiveness (and Give It Time)
After you’ve confessed, the final step is asking, “Will you forgive me?” Don’t rush them into forgiveness. Sometimes, it takes time, especially if the wound is deep. If the person isn’t ready, be patient. Say something like, “I know I’ve hurt you deeply, and I understand why you might need time to forgive me. I’m here when you’re ready, and I’ll keep praying for you in the meantime.” Giving space for the other person to process is just as important as offering the apology.
So there you have it: the Seven A’s of Confession. These aren’t just nice steps to follow; they’re a pathway to true reconciliation. It’s not about getting it over with quickly—it’s about genuine humility, change, and healing.
If you’re ready to stop the “sorry, but not really” cycle and want a genuine apology that leads to true forgiveness and restored relationships, use these steps. You won’t regret it.
Sources:
J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, Untangling Emotions (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2019), 204.
Robert D. Jones, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing Company, 2005), 13. Jones uses the fictitious story of Jack and Jill to help the reader understand biblical truth concerning anger. His book is among the very best on the topic.
Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed., Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004, 136-137. Among the many compounding problems are reckless words, grumbling and complaining, lying, slander, malicious thoughts, stubbornness, vengeance, bitterness, defensiveness, and withholding mercy and forgiveness.