Married to a Passive Husband? (Part 2)
Let’s be blunt: many Christian wives married to passive husbands are exhausted, lonely, and spiritually frustrated. They want help, but what they get too often is surface-level advice or a polite nod toward “being more patient.” That’s not enough. They need counsel that’s clear, Christ-centered, and actionable.
In Part One, we laid the groundwork by defining passivity and exploring real-life stories. If you haven’t read that yet, stop here and do that first. (Trust me, context matters.)
In this second part, we’re getting practical. We’ll look at how to counsel a wife who’s hurting—and what it looks like when anger, self-pity, fear, and confusion creep into her thinking. Most importantly, we’ll talk about how to offer real hope, rooted in Scripture, not sentiment.
Start Here: Show Her Hope
A wife in a difficult marriage needs one thing right away: hope. But not vague, "It'll all work out." She needs a biblical framework for what she can actually do. A surprisingly effective place to begin is Matthew 7:3-5.
Here’s a simple tool: Draw a circle and say, "Pretend this circle represents 100% of the problems in your marriage. How much of it is yours?" She might say 30%. That’s the moment to lean in and say, "Then God is calling you to take 100% responsibility for your 30%."
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Three Types of Wives, Three Counseling Approaches
When you're counseling a wife married to a passive husband, you’ll typically meet one of three types:
The Domineering Wife
The Submissive-but-Hurting Wife
The Confused Wife
Each one needs a different approach, and if you miss the nuances, you risk giving cookie-cutter counsel. That won't cut it.
1. Counseling the Domineering Wife
She says, "He won't lead. So I had to."
What she often doesn’t see? He may have tried to lead at one point, but her critical spirit shut him down. Now she runs the show—and resents it.
Take Debra. She’s 40, sharp, capable, and furious. Her teenage son got into trouble, and when her husband wanted to discipline him firmly, she overruled him. When he pushed back, she retaliated—at home and at church. Her criticism became her default weapon.
What she needed was not a better strategy but a new heart posture. Her counselor walked her through 2 Corinthians 13:5 to examine herself, then helped her dig into Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and Proverbs 31. It was about more than "letting him lead" — it was about surrendering to Christ first.
2. Counseling the Submissive-but-Hurting Wife
This wife actually wants to follow her husband, but he’s consistently inconsistent, and she’s running on empty.
She needs biblical clarity on what submission really looks like. And she needs encouragement to keep her eyes on Christ, not her husband's flaws.
She resembles the wife in 1 Peter 3:1-6—called to quiet strength, even when married to an unbeliever (or a believer who lives like one). Help her see that her worth isn’t tied to her husband’s leadership. Her hope is in the Lord. Her peace comes from guarding her heart and mind (Philippians 4:7).
3. Counseling the Confused Wife
She’s stuck between trying to submit and secretly resenting her husband's passivity. Sometimes she follows. Sometimes she rebels. She's not sure what to do anymore.
Start with the heart. Her outward confusion often stems from inward self-pity, bitterness, and fear. Don’t rush to fix her husband’s behavior—help her repent of what’s going on in her own soul.
Then, cast a new vision. She’s a helper (Genesis 2:18), not a fixer. She can bless him instead of belittling him (1 Peter 3:9). And she can choose to be obedient to Christ regardless of whether her husband is spiritually awake.
If possible, bring in a godly male mentor to walk alongside her husband. One couple I counseled saw massive breakthrough when the husband had someone model biblical leadership for him—something he'd never seen growing up.
Final Words of Hope
Yes, marriage to a passive husband is hard. But it’s not hopeless. The wife can learn to live with grace, strength, and faithfulness even in the mess.
She can refuse despair. She can cling to her identity in Christ. She can remember Luke 10:42—"Mary has chosen what is better"—and sit at Jesus’ feet with confidence.
God sees. God hears. And He is not done working.
An earlier version of this article originally appeared at the Biblical Counseling Coalition. It’s part two of a two-part series on counseling the wife of a passive husband. Catch up on Part One if you missed it.