by Lucy | Jul 5, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships
Doesn’t purity seems “old-fashioned” and “not relevant” in today’s sexy culture? Many Christian girls and women have given in to peer pressure and media messages that you’re weird if you aren’t sexually active. You remember what it was like to be young, hormones raging, don’t you?
Did you or a someone dear to you have sex before marriage? What did a loss of purity cost them or you?
In this short article, you’ll learn:
- the statistics on purity among young adult Christians
- the pressures to have sex before marriage
- how to reclaim purity
“Our souls crave intimacy”—Erwin Raphael McManus
Click & Tweet!
Like other Christian women, you may have planned to remain a virgin until your wedding night but then. . .your Christian girlfriends were sexually active and you thought, “What’s the harm,” or. . .your boyfriend pressured you to have sex, or. . .you were drunk and one thing led to the other. . .
The truth is: You can start over from where you are right now.
Click & Tweet!
You can find hope, help and healing.
Statistics on Purity
Are single Christians having sex?
Eighty percent of unmarried young adults (ages 18-29) who are self-identify as evangelical Christians have had sex, reports a study by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. The same study reported that this percentage is slightly less than the 88 percent for all unmarried young adults.
Yet virginity may be on the rise, suggests a 2011 report from the National Center for Health Statistics. Twelve years ago 22 percent of men and women under age 24 said they were abstinent. Five years later that figure stood at 29 percent for women and 27 percent for men.
TRUTH: Real intimacy is not found just by merging bodies in sex. There’s a high emotional component.
Click & Tweet!
Pressures Against Purity
including Porn!
MEDIA, CULTURE, MUSIC, PORN: The media markets sex. The culture encourages it. Music celebrates it. Pornography is so widespread that few Christian men and women (and children) have not seen it. Pornography creates a sick misunderstanding of God’s gift of sex. It become extremely selfish.
God designed sex to be selfless and beautiful–and between a husband and wife. In the Song of Solomon, the author Solomon describes the sexual longing of the woman on her wedding night:
Awake, O north wind,
And come, O south!
Blow upon my garden,
That its spices might flow out.
Let my beloved come to his garden
And eat its pleasant fruits (4:16).
LATER FIRST MARRIAGES: The average age for first marriages has increased over several decades. In 1965, the average man first married at age 22.8; the average woman, 20.6. In 2010, the average age was 28.1 for men and 26.1 for women, according the U.S. Bureau of Statistics.
Purity rings and True Love Waits campaigns don’t appeal to 30-something singles.
A college-educated, 27-year-old Christian woman told me, “I didn’t have sex in my teens and early twenties but now I have a boyfriend. I don’t sleep around. I’m careful with whom I have sex. Marriage isn’t what it used to be. It’s a different today.”
BIRTH CONTROL. Before the advent of the birth control control pill in 1960s, getting married and having babies went hand in hand. Now couples could have sex with little concern for pregnancy, removing a main reason for marriage. Says Albert Mohler in We Cannot Be Silent: “So long as sex was predictably related to the potential of pregnancy, a huge biological check on sex outside of marriage functioned as a barrier to sexual immorality. Once that barrier was removed, sex and children became effectively separated and sex became redefined as an activity that did not have any necessary relation to the gift of children. It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of the separation of sex and babies from the moral equation.”
A Story of Reclaimed Purity
Naomi (a composite of women I have counseled) desires to one day marry a Christian man, but her teens read like read like a Harlequin. As long as she liked the guy, they concluded the date in bed. Most of her friends did the same thing. What’s the cost of lost purity? How does lost purity hurt a Christian woman?
As Naomi and I talked, I learned that her upbringing influenced her view of her sexuality. Her dad was emotionally unavailable, and a family member had touched her inappropriately. She heard the gospel through a campus ministry and became a Christian but old patterns clung like Velcro. She still liked guys’ attention and was tempted to have sex with them. She struggled with feelings of remorse, confusion, and worthlessness.
In counseling she and other singles I’ve counseled discovered three important truths.
- God helps you overcome temptation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
To face temptation, why not choose to be confident in the truth of God’s Word? Cultivate a daily walk with Jesus through prayer and Bible reading? Connect with a church? Commit to being thankful?
2. You are complete in Christ. Marriage doesn’t complete a woman, Jesus does. I counseled a woman who deeply desired marriage. Two disappointing relationships with men she met through an online Christian dating service brought her to my office. She felt depressed. She had the wrong belief she’d be happy only in marriage. During our time together she learned that singleness can be a gift (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) and she needed to wait on God’s timing (Psalm 91:2).
3. Choose to embrace “renewed abstinence.”
Renewed abstinence is obeying God’s Word to wait for sex until marriage. It’s reclaimed purity. God promises to help you as you build godly relationships with with fellow believers, both men and women.
Do you struggle with purity? Do you have questions about choices you made in your past? Do you want contentment? Please send me a message and will can talk and/or set up a counseling appointment by Skype or in person (in Chicago area).
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Sep 29, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Do you know how to help a woman with sexual stain? She may have had many partners before age 25 or had been sexually active in junior high, or earlier. Perhaps she was abused as a child then later chose a promiscuous lifestyle?
Do you know what to say? What not to say?
Do you know how to listen? How to guide her? Please know there’s hope. Jesus did not condemn the woman caught in adultery; he doesn’t condemn your friend or you. He has compassion for the broken-hearted. Listen:
The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:3-11
(If you have a sexually stained past, do you want help? Feel free to send me a message. Click HERE.)
Sexual Stain Is No Surprise
What you have seen in movies — and movie trailers, and prime time TV, and daytime TV, and DVDs, and video games, and billboards — is in your church. Many women in your church carry pain caused by sexual sin.
Are you surprised? Don’t be. The Bible predicted increasing sexual perversity.
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God (2 Timothy 3:1-4, NIV).
Abusive? Yeah. Without love? That too. Rash? You’ve heard of hookups no doubt; even girls in junior high boast which guy they “slept” with the previous night — and she may not know his name! Without self-control? Ditto. Lovers of pleasure? A counterfeit pleasure.
A while back, my then teenaged daughter told me an eighth-grader at her school was pregnant. She was bothered but not upset. It seems every other young movie star or singer is carrying some guy’s baby. Like, whatever.
Many of our daughters and sons may have a blase attitude toward promiscuity. So do adults, many of them believers. Satan has deceived them. Sex is wonderful in the confines of biblical commands: one man, one woman, married. The enemy has had a field day. Let’s refuse to believe lies and help our hurting sisters.
Empowered by the Holy Spirit, as is every believer (who, by definition, has a saving faith in Jesus), I have counseled women who used to lead a promiscuous lifestyle. The Lord has healed them. Are there consequences from bad choices? Of, course. Some STDs cannot be treated. Some bad memories refuse to die. Virginity cannot be reclaimed. Marriage is more difficult due to previous sexual relationships (including intimate touch and oral sex, the latter being the “new” third base).
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows (Galatians 6:7, NIV).
At least half of the women I’ve counseled — all believers — were sexually or physically abused by a family member or a family friend as a young girl. This abuse put the wheels in motion for her poor decisions regarding sex as a preteen or teen. A commonality: They felt a deep sense of self-worthlessness and looked to guys for affirmation using sex to please him and feel desired, compounding the sense of self-worthlessness.
How to Help Prevent Sexual Stain
Since sexual stain often begins in high school or earlier — I’ve talked with third graders who regularly participated in sex “play” — here are a few ideas to help your own kids.
Communicate.
Promote open communication in your home so your kids (or grandkids, nieces or nephews) will tell you the tough stuff. Know who their friends are. Know where they are. Tell them to check in regularly. For school-age kids, ask the parents what DVDs are in the home. Years ago, a friend allowed her young boy attend a sleep-over where the parents showed an PG-13 movie. Oh man, did he get an eyeful! (Remember, PG-13 today would have received an R a decade or two ago.)
Trust your gut.
The Holy Spirit promises to help protect you and yours; follow the insight he gives you. One of my children used to play at a friend’s house where the dad wrestled with the kids on a bed in his son’s bedroom. I was uncomfortable beyond words when I learned of this “play” and forbid my child to go into the house.
Believe your child.
If your child tells you that another kid or an adult said something sexually suggestive to him or her or touched him or her improperly, choose first to believe and engage in a gentle conversation to draw out the details. As you hear the details, you may find out that a boy called your daughter a “fagot” — this happened to one of my children — but that was all. No need to get overly concerned. Or, you may learn that the older boy or girl across the street has suggested a game. A touching game. And he or she has threatened to kill her (or little sister) if she said anything. Serious! Time to call in the authorities and get help for your child.
Prevention is best. Keep your daughters and sons safe as best you can. Terrible things can happen despite your efforts and prayers. Just make them less likely.
And if your child — or a friend at church — chooses promiscuity, love them unconditionally and seek God. Jesus showed compassion toward the woman caught in adultery … shouldn’t we?
by Lucy | Sep 15, 2015 | biblical counseling, biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Once a woman or girl has experienced sex, willingly or unwillingly, she is no longer a virgin. Medically speaking.
The average female loses her virginity at 17.4 years old, according to The Kinsey Institute, while males have their first sexual experience slightly younger. Those who make purity pledges may have sexual intercourse at an older age, thus are technically virgins but are more likely to engage in other types of sex, including anal penetration.
Enough statistics. This is not a medical blog. This is a heart blog. This is a hope blog. An our-hope-is-in-Christ place for you to come, relax and sip a latte of love.
Is Purity After Sex Possible?
Based on who God is, I must say “Yes,” blessed one. Our God is a God of grace and second chances. Moses murdered, and he’s listed among the faithful in Hebrews 11. David too. He committed adultery with Bathsheeba. Rahab is listed too. Rahab who? Rahab the prostitute who dared to embrace faith in God.
Faith is believing the Word of God and acting upon it, no matter how you feel, knowing God promises a good result.
Isn’t reclaimed purity a good result? If God’s promise of renewed life is good enough for a prostitute, doesn’t it also apply to you?
Yep, second chances.
Women and girls who lose their virginity before marriage fall in one of two camps: 1) they were sexually assaulted, or 2) they willingly shared their bodies.
When Someone Is Sexually Assaulted
Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact. It confuses a girl about sexuality. If an adult or child touches a girl’s genitals, she often has some good sexual feelings while also experiencing deep fear. This leads to turmoil, even intense guilt. She may believe she’s responsible for the sexual assault. The confounding mix of pleasurable sexual feelings with fear and guilt and confusion may occur in females of any age.
Here are two examples. Names and details have been changed.
- Susie, age 10, was nearly asleep on her Girl Scout camping trip when a peer knelt by her cot and touched her genitals. It felt ticklish and good, Susie confided in me. She kept quiet duing the touching and didn’t tell her Scout leader what had happened. Susie said she felt guilty because she wanted to shout “No” because she knew it was wrong but also liked the touch. On a Girl Scout camping trip the next year, Susie initiated unwanted sexual touch with another girl who also remained quiet.
- A freshman in college, Nicole was returning to her dorm at night after studying at the library. Two young men unknown to her grabbed her. She feared they would rape her. She yelled, pulled away, ran to her dorm room, and phoned the police. She told me she began carrying a hunting knife with her. Though she was not raped, Nicole said she felt violated.
When Someone Has Sex Willingly
Girls and women who willingly have even one sexual partner before marriage may get flooded with guilt and shame and intruding thoughts. Sex before marriage gets in the way of sexual freedom after marriage. So while you can reclaim a type of virginity that only God provides by making you pure, there is a cost.
May I encourage your to discuss what happened with your your husband (details aren’t necessary), a trusted female friend, or a female biblical counselor about premarital sex?
The reason you (or your daughter, granddaughter or niece) feels guilt or similar negative emotions: She disobeyed God’s command, for sexual intimacy belongs between a husband and wife only.
What do you do with the guilt and shame? Agree with God that you made an ugly choice, which the Bible calls “sin” and thank God for his gift of forgiveness that Jesus provided you at the cross.
Cleansed by God, you may now enjoy renewed purity. Sometimes guilt and shame may continue to entangle you. Confusion may mess with your mind. So what breaks us free?
Breaking Free
You can break free from guilt and shame through five ways at least:
- Whisper the Lord’s name.
- Spend time in his presence.
- Praise and thank him for his love for you.
- Continue to obey him.
- Practice trust.
The Lord provides all that we need to break free. Listen to this true story of God unchaining the apostle Paul and his friend Silas.
Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! (Acts 16:25-26 NLT)
This is a picture of what God desires to do in your life. God wants to lift you above your circumstances and give you peace and contentment. My friend Lynn Mosher writes,
“Let not all the trials of life, the enemy’s efforts, or your fleshly doings become like tendrils of weeds, wrapping around your heart and tethering your spirit. May you be released from those things of earth that bind you to its surface, that you may experience new, abundant, and victorious living.”
Yes, you can reclaim purity. Believe that in God’s eyes you are beautiful, holy, and perfect. All because of Jesus and the free gift of grace.
photo credit: Walking Away via photopin (license)
by Lucy | Oct 29, 2009 | biblical counseling |
This is the fourth of several posts on Sex Solutions for the UnSexy. Please read the earlier ones too.
Okay, I gotta be honest.
What I’m about to say will make some readers — possibly you — uncomfortable. We women may nod when a speaker says, “Sex is a gift from God,” but the thought of God
in the bedroom
when the Hubs and you are doing it
may seem unChristian or unladylike
or just plain wrong.
If you grew up in a rigid, narrow religious background, you undoubtedly received messages, spoken or unspoken, about the sinfulness of sex. Even if your parents put sex in positive terms, you got mixed-up signals from the media, especially television, the movies, music and now, of course, the Internet.
Among the false notions:
Sex is the ultimate experience.
Everyone has great sex on the honeymoon.
The more partners, the better lover you’ll be.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
I mean: NOT FUNNY!
All three statements are lies. And so is another: God has no place in the bedroom.
He does. He designed sex. He made you a sexual being. Sex is made for pleasure. (You probably know that a women’s clitoris has no other function than to provide good sexual sensations. Why oh why would He outfit you and me with pleasure equipment? Oh, yeah, for our pleasure.)
Yet so much goes wrong in the bedroom. This is a future post. 😉
What can you do to help things go right?
1. Thank God for any sexual feelings you experience throughout the day.
2. When you and the Hubs begin to make love, offer a silent prayer thanking Him for the delightful sensations.
3. Acknowledge in your mind and heart that God approves of these exciting feelings.
4. Pray with the Hubs before or even during lovemaking — did I hear a gasp?! — as a way of acknowledging that the enjoyment of sex is part of your Christian life.
Hey, did you know that God is in the bedroom whether you invite Him or not?
So you might as well send Him an invite.
He will RSVP.
You Are Loved, Lucy
p.s. Join the conversation and leave a comment on the post or on someone else’s comment. May God continue to bless you as I know he will. Ephesians 1:3
SPECIAL: Join bestselling author Donna Partow and me on Tuesdays beginning November 3 on BlogTalkRadio. She’ll supply the know-how on starting a successful home business and I provide coaching & care to the particants of this eight-week FREE on-line class. Get the details at her website or mine.
by Lucy | Oct 16, 2009 | biblical counseling |
Ain’t this the truth: Before marriage the devil tries everything to get you in bed with a guy, and once married, he tries everything to keep you out.
Sex before you tie the knot, but no sex or bad sex or arguments about sex after marriage, and you’re all tied up and angry or hurt.
Now, before I write another word, this post is for all my readers: married, single or single again (through divorce or death). Why? God made us sexual beings. Our gender and how we think and feel about sex touches every relationship.
Our sexual identities begin at the beginning: conception then birth, pink for girls, blue for boys. Many summers ago, my son, then 9, helped a friend capture a frog at our neighborhood park. They carried the frog to the friend’s house, he got a butter knife and together they cut of the poor from back legs. The frog then invented the front-legged hop, and so my son told me, all jacked up and ready to find another amphibian.
I called the hubby and related the story.
“Steve, should I worry that our son is becoming a psychopath or is this a normal boy thing?”
“A normal boy thing,” he replied.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep. Gotta get back to work.”
While I preferred tree climbing to hopscotch and jeans to dresses, I never ever would have amputated a frog’s legs in my girlhood. It would never had crossed my budding feminist mind. These were the early Seventies, baby: “I am woman, hear me roar.”
Like girls may age, I bought into the modern notion that “as long as you love the guy, sex is alright.” I knew a lot of high school girls who were “doing it.” I just had not yet fallen in love. The prevailing post-modern notion my daughters and son hear is much different: “If it feels good, do it. Just pick a hot one and tell your friends all about it the next day in the school hallways.”
A teacher friend subbed for a year at an affluent suburban junior high. She couldn’t believe the hallway talk. She said the girls were worse than the guys, along the lines of “I hooked up with him and him last weekend. This weekend I’m gonna hook up with that guy.” Keep in mind: These are seventh- and eighth grade girls talking sex with no limits. A game. A dangerous game.
Before marriage the devil tries everything to get you — and your daughters, granddaughters and neices — into bed with a guy.
I heard that the #1 dance song hit a couple of years ago was:
You and me baby, we ain’t nothing but mammals
So let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel
According to the Guttmacher Institute, only a small percentage of children under 15 years old have had sexual intercourse. (I wonder the number if oral sex were included.) However, by age 20, 75 percent of teens had had sex outside marriage, with the number for men and women nearly even.
You may have slept with your boyfriend before marriage. You didn’t “keep the devil out of bed” and now your current relationships — your husband, your children, even God — are affected.
How are they affected? So what can you do? What do you do with the guilt and shame you may feel?
