by Lucy | Jun 14, 2016 | biblical counseling, relationships |
Adoption. . .my story of how God made my family. If adoption has touched you — perhaps you’re a birth mom, an adoptive mom, of a woman who was adopted — I pray my story helps you understand how God makes some families.
You won’t find “three quick steps to a successful adoption” here. Just a story of pain and beauty and God everywhere. If you’re touched by adoption, why not send me a short message? I’d love to encourage you.
Adoption: Not Second Best
Some say adoption is second best, an afterthought, the backup plan. May I say, It’s not “second best”?
Yes, my husband and I tried the usual way. When it didn’t happen — the it of morning sickness and ultrasounds, prenatal vitamins and expanding waistlines — we adopted a baby then another and another. Two girls and a boy. Now they’re grown up: one married, one in college, one in high school.
Yes, I asked God, “Women strung out on drugs are getting pregnant and having babies, so why infertility for us?” No booming voice from a burning bush in Charlton Heston’s Ten Commandments. I found comfort in the Bible that God is love and he loves orphans and had a child for us (James 1:27).
I concluded that my family isn’t second best because God designed it. Isn’t God’s design the best design? Didn’t he know before my birth and my husband’s — and the births of our great-great-great grandparents — that we’d make a family by adoption? Of course he did. The all-knowing God knew.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16, NIV
Hello, Doctor
Infertility is usually the woman’s problem, right? Ah, no. According to WebMD, statistics suggest that 35 to 40 percent of the problems are caused by male problems, another 35 to 40 percent by female problems, and the last 20 to 30 percent a combination of the two, plus a small percentage of unknown causes.
When I didn’t get pregnant after trying for a year, I figured my doctor would prescribe me Clomid, and I’d soon be painting the nursery with a baby bump. Instead she followed protocol and wrote orders for my husband to have a test first. We thought, “Whatever. No problem.”
A bunch of tests and three months later, another doctor sat us down and gave us the news. No baby. Ever.
I felt numb, sad, even relieved because the findings were fast and crystal. I did not want to walk the infertility treadmill I had heard about. Awful, just awful. In you’re on this treadmill, my heart aches for you, sister. Know God is with you in your hurt.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:17-18
Baby in Arms
Steve and I jumped into adoption, eyes wide open, knowing it may take a long time before we’d hold the little one God had planned for us.
Typically when a couple decides to adopt a child, the labor of paper work lasts many years. Laura came along nine months later. Poetic justice, yes?
Our next two adoptions averaged 18 months each. We adoptive couples have love-hate relationships with social workers employed by adoptions agencies, which is the route we chose. (Some couples prefer adopting children by arrangement through attorneys.) Steve and I answered the social workers’ invasive questions. We jumped through their hoops.
With our last adoption, even the cat needed a physical!
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I felt like I had to impress them, these gatekeepers. They opened and closed our chances to adding to our little family, didn’t they?
Then I’d remember that God is in control. He designs my family–and yours. I didn’t have to worry or be a people-pleaser. I just had to be me. . .
because God is God, right?
If you have experienced infertility or adoption (as an adoptive mom or a birth mother who placed her child for adoption), I’d love to here from you.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Mar 24, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions
Feel down, lonely, or overwhelmed? Then you need the CPR solution: Care, Prayer, Repair.
Marianne felt lonely.
On the outside she seemed fine. She had the good looks of Jennifer Aniston, a caring husband, three busy and healthy school-aged daughters, and a Master’s in education. But inside she hurt badly and didn’t know who to tell or how to express her emotional pain.
What Marianne needed was CPR for the soul. She needed someone to CARE. She needed PRAYER. And her heart needed REPAIR.
But first someone needed to notice her and take the time to help. Have you wanted someone to notice your hurt or difficult situation, but no one helped you? How did you feel? What did you think? Did you feel forgotten? Do you want help now?
Stop and Look
If you and I stop and look, we would see hurting women in our churches and neighborhoods. They’re as plentiful as dandelions in late Spring. In the parable of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10, two passersby passed by the bleeding guy on the roadside. The Good Samaritan noticed and did something.
A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead.
A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
The Good Samaritan saw the half-dead man he and cared for him. The parable doesn’t say whether he prayed. You and I know that prayer is Jesus’ love language. It doesn’t say if the man was repaired, or made as good as new. Making things new is God’s specialty, isn’t it?
Second Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
A new heart is given by God at salvation. Only he can change the human heart. The heart is the immaterial part of a person that includes our motivations and desires. From out heart flows are thoughts, emotions, and actions.
When you have a hurting heart like Marianne’s, you need spiritual CPR too.
Step One: Care
What does spiritual care in CPR look like? As the parable revealed, it’s a combination of seeing the hurting, listening, and being empathetic. It may include meeting immediate needs. The Good Samaritan needed medical care.
What are your immediate needs? A ride to a doctor’s appointment? Groceries? A night out without the kids?
Do you need someone to to listen? As someone listens to your pain, your healing begins. Listening is only the beginning.
Step Two: Prayer
Tell Jesus your needs, your hopes, and your fears. The prayer in CPR will increase your connection to him. Ask him for wisdom concerning your next steps. The Holy Spirit will guide you. He wants you to experience his peace.
I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid (John 14:27 NLT
).
Step Three: Repair
Now identify your real pain in order to have the repair of CPR. Often you need someone to help you do this. For example, when I asked Marianne why she felt sad, she said she missed being in the workplace. Her real pain was much deeper; her heart issue was unbelief. Though a Christian, she has trouble believing God would accepted her.
Do you have unresolved pain too? Do you struggle with worry or unforgiveness? Any of these can contribute to ungodly thoughts flowing from your hurting heart. Your thoughts impact your emotions and actions.
Have you ever made the connection between stress eating, for instance, and the lies you believe? These hellish lies infiltrate your thoughts. The good news: the Bible lets you know how to change your thinking.
CPR in Action
When Marianne and I shared iced tea as her children played, she talked and I listened — a lot. I learned she had two major life transitions: she was newer to our community and she had left a job she loved. We talked many more times. Once she realized that these transitions — and her fear of rejection — had led to her mild depression she stopped fretting. She joined a moms’ group at church and contributed her gifts of leadership.
God had not abandoned her as she feared. He brought her a friend who listened and cared. He provided direction through the Bible. Most of all, he gave her Jesus.
OFFER: Want to know more about biblical counseling? Find out more here. I offer a complimentary consultation by phone. Send me a message.
OPPORTUNITY: Are you a biblical counselor who’d like to be listed in the Counselors’ Directory on my website, please contact me. Thank you.
Sharing hope for your heart,
by Lucy | Feb 4, 2016 | emotions, emotions, thoughts |
Isn’t it encouraging that you and God can rewrite old tapes that are negative and discouraging?
These tapes, these words you repeat to yourself, may have a tidbit of truth.
An example:
You may have made a mistake–we all do–but your mistake doesn’t define you.
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To God, you are not a failure.
The old tapes you play may say you you’re a mess-up or lack value or beauty. The most important and wonderful truth: In Christ, you are God’s child and he loves you beyond your imagination.
He loves you, so you can share love with others. . .family, friends, people at church, neighbors, co-workers, the cashier at Walmart, anyone, everyone.
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19, ESV
Tapes Start in Childhood
The old destructive tapes often began in childhood. An exception may be that you married an abusive man who puts you down day after day after day. He may tell you that you’re stupid and a loser. Even with a great childhood, hearing this vitriol in your marriage can undo you and cause you to question your worth.
In childhood, did your dad say or insinuated that you’d amount to nothing or that you were a bother? Did he make unwelcome comments about your looks or women’s beauty (or lack there of)? Did your mom seem preoccupied or highly critical? Did she have her nose in a book or her eyes fixed on TV, and shooed you away when you wanted her attention? Did she give you the silent treatment or yell at you when you failed in her eyes?
If this happened to you, my heart hurts for you. This isn’t the childhood God wants parents to to their children. You can get a picture of God’s plan for parenting here and here and here.
The messages you believed in childhood morphed into tapes that we adults repeat to ourselves regularly, if not daily,
and especially when stressed.
Overcoming the Discouragement of Old Tapes
God loves you so much he wants you to rewrite the tapes from childhood and end the sinful habits you learned from them. You may have tried to overcome your sinful habits–whether worry, bitterness, or laziness–through prayer, Bible study, talking with trustworthy friends, and even counseling. Still, they may plague you.
These sinful habits have lodged in your heart. From the heart flows our thoughts (Proverbs 4:23).
What you believe about yourself and God–whether true or false–becomes part of your thinking, but you can change!
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When negative thoughts pop us, they may seem to come out of nowhere. It’s as if they have a life of their own. When plagued with negative thoughts, isn’t it easy to feel helpless?
You may be tempted to give up on changing them. As a Christ-follower, you know God wants to thinks thoughts pleasing to him. Doesn’t Philippians 4:8 say. . .?
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
There is hope!
Rewriting Old Tapes Is a Process
You can rewrite the old tapes that began in childhood. This won’t happen overnight; it’s a process. As you replace lies you believe with God’s truth–wonderful changes ensue:
- Your thought patterns improve.
- Your beliefs line up more and more with the Word of God.
- You begin to desire what God desires–that his will be done.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4, NIV
Most important, your life glorifies God. Isn’t this the real reason God created us?
As you meditate on scripture, you create new tapes, encouraging and godly and life-giving tapes. These new tapes replace the old ones. and your thoughts, emotions, and actions follow suit. Your heart is revived!
“Heart” is the biblical term for your beliefs and motivations from which your thoughts, emotions, and actions flow. When the Bible speaks of the heart, it is almost exclusively refers to the inner workings of the soul and mind. It is the immaterial part of your being.
At first change may seem slow. As you continue to internalize the God’s truths, the greater and faster these changes will be!
Awful thoughts and sinful habits that plague you will lessen, even disappear. You’ll feel joy–and dare I say, true happiness.
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Your Next Step
Look up the Bible verses listed below. Memorize them one at a time and meditate on them.
Some of my counselees like to write them on index cards or sticky notes and place them on their car dashboard or bathroom mirror to reread them often. Others like to “draw” the verses, using the words with sketches.
Romans 12:1-2
Ephesians 4:22-24
2 Peter 1:3-4
Soon you’ll have new tapes because your mind cannot have both sinful and righteous thoughts at the same time. Tell me how it goes. I love hearing from my readers!
OFFER: I offer a complimentary 15-minute, phone consultation with any woman who has questions about counseling. To take advantage of this offer, simply contact me and say “I’d like a consultation.” I’ll email you and we’ll set up a time to talk on the phone.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart!
by Lucy | Dec 31, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships
Training for happiness requires a winning plan.
My cousin Lydia has trained for marathons, even a few ultra-marathons of 100 miles. A 100-mile run–this blows my mind! It took her just over 25 hours to run an ultra-marathon, and a friend joined her at night and held the flashlight as they ran together.
To succeed Lydia developed a year-long plan that disciplined her to run the distance. While she prepared, never did I think, “The race is still nine months away! She’s running for no reason!” Rather, I cheered her on and knew if she skipped her daily runs, she’d set herself up for failure on race day.
The same is true for you and me. If we desire true happiness, then we need to “train” to develop it.
Before you skip to the three keys, check your heart. Ask yourself, “What motivates me to desire happiness? Do I want to bring glory and honor to God, and am I trying to prove my worthiness?” The latter reveals legalism and self-righteousness.
You cannot earn God’s favor, not ever. In Christ you already have it!
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What are the three keys to train for true happiness?
1. Spend Time in God’s Word Regularly
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17, NIV)
Delectable food to a believer’s heart is time spent in the Word.
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Reading the Bible, memorizing it, and learning to apply it–these matter greatly to developing true happiness. Isn’t it true than you are prone to drift from the truth when you skip spending time in God’s Word regularly?
In the last post, you received a practical assignment for improving your attitude. If you missed it, why not review it?
This time you get another special assignment. You’ll attach a result and a time to your goal.
Goal: Result: Time:
Read Bible Know God better 7 a.m.
Memorize verse Learn God’s peace 9 p.m.
May I encourage your creativity? If you prefer to listen to the Bible and are time-crunched, why not use an audio Bible and listen on the way to work? Do you have little ones at home? Perhaps read a section to your children just before naptime; choose an easy-to-read version like this one.
2. Pray Persistently
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, ESV)
For many of us–me included–prayer can be difficult because so much demands our attention. Your noisy mind keeps you from focusing on Jesus, who desires to listen to your struggles, when you’re weighed down with anxiety or burdened with anger.
When I went through a tough time of depression twenty years ago, I discovered that journaling my prayers helped me focus. I put my pain on paper. I wrote where it hurt.
Some of my prayers were simple requests that I dated. I’d review these requests every so often and, as God answered them, I’d jot and date the answer. Some were not answered as I preferred, and I embraced the truth that God knew best. Others I marked “still waiting” when a few months passed and Jesus has yet not given a “yes” or a “no.”
Expect trouble during prayer for another reason. Prayer gives us direct access to Jesus, who is changing us into his likeness. Satan hates this. He hates prayer. Be prepared for this battle by determining to pray persistently.
3. Put Off, Put On
But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. (Colossians 3:8-10, ESV)
But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. (Romans 13:14, NIV)
You have a particular area of struggle, don’t you? Don’t we all?!
One counselee shared she struggles with jealousy. Another said she lies when truth-telling may cause confrontation, and she hates confrontation. Still another counselee used prescription pills to numb emotional pain and became addicted to them. Another is dealing with bitterness after her husband committed adultery.
There is no easy way to find freedom life-dominating sins.
If it were easy, they wouldn’t need solution-focused, caring biblical counseling to deal with their obvious problems, and more importantly, their root problem, which lies at the heart of their desires and motivations.
The starting point is stated in 1 Kings 22:5:
First seek the counsel of the Lord.
Your map on the road to transformation is the Bible. Isaiah 40:8 says, “The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of God stands forever.”
Biblical counseling relies on truths of the Bible as the counselor seeks to give compassionate, wise counsel while relying on Christ to provide the power for change.
In training for true happiness, it’s wise for us all to seek wisdom in the Word, prayer, and counsel. Then we can see what ungodly habits to put off and which to put on. With God’s help we can change our thinking so our thoughts line up with his. We hate what he hates. We love what he loves.
You live your life wanting to joyfully do God’s will. The gospel becomes your goal, and true happiness is the resulting enjoyment!
Friends, do you need counsel to achieve true happiness? Are you weary? Burdened? Has life knocked your down? Is your marriage in turmoil?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, may I suggest biblical counseling with me by Skype or in person (Chicago area)? Contact me and let’s set up a time to talk. I offer a complimentary 15-minute consultation by phone.
Counseling Hope to Your Heart,
by Lucy | Aug 6, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions
I need hope the morning I woke up sobbing, my tears spilling the pain of a secret childhood memory.
My husband reached for my hand under the quilt, his green eyes searched mine.
“What’s wrong, Lucy? What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I lied.
I knew the reason for my tears, these salty signals of pushed-down pain. With no warning the secret memory swept away my equilibrium like a storm surge. I felt vulnerable, confused, angry, beaten, dazed, alone, afraid . . . even hopeless. Have you felt hard emotions too? Can you name them?
Caught in my storm — my world of overwhelming emotional pain – little me dared to ask the Almighty God: “Why? Why this? Why now?” Part of me was glad I asked, part of me felt afraid. Would God frown at my bold question, would He . . . abandon me?
Have you sought answers to your “Why”? Have you feared God’s reaction?
I bumped into promises of hope as I journeyed from. . .
From Hurt to Hope
The antidote to fear, anger, depression, and any hurt is real HOPE. Hear these God-guaranteed promises of promise.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, God has a plan, purpose, and provision for your life, wrapped in promises of hope. God promises WILL prevail. Do you believe this? If not, what’s getting in the way?
When you feel crushed, broken, and worn, you may wonder if you’ll ever feel good again. Your feelings may say God is far, far away. The truth: Jesus is near. He invites you to lean on him.
God’s vision for your life is larger than you might imagine. Through His power, your weaknesses become your strengths.
You are never beyond hope.
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From Hope to More Hope
God wants to heal you by reminded you of the gospel: the Good New of the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus Christ. He wants you to receive biblical truth and practical help. Among his desires: emotional healing so you, in God’s timing, begin helping others.
As God comforted me in my trouble, now I comfort others so they too may comfort those in any trouble with the comfort they received from Him. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV
Listen to apostle Paul’s precious words to Christians in Rome:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13, NIV
Please ask God for courage, help, and wisdom as you hear the Lord’s voice and trust him. Trusting Jesus opens the floodgates to joy, peace, and overflowing hope.
Promises of Hope
As you discover healing for you or your friend, you’ll see these hope promises in action.
1. God values you. He’s crazy about you and your hurting friend. He loves you just as you are. You don’t have to earn his smile. Believers in Christ have his favor and blessing now (Ephesians 1:3).
2. You are never alone in your hurt. Everyday troubles are a normal part of life. Jesus said: “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world,” John 16:33, NKJ.
3. Your emotions are helpful, including the hard ones like fear, anger, and sadness. How? They tell you something is amiss and prompt you to look to the One you knows your every action, word, and thought and loves you always.
4. Hope will transform your thinking. (Romans 12:2) Reading God’s Word (the bible), believing the truth, and acting on His promises encourages you to hold onto hope in life’s everyday troubles. This healing hope gives you peace and contentment – the abundant life (John 10:10). Here. Now. And forever.
5. No one can take away your hope not even the enemy of your soul who’ll try to snatch it from you. His strategy: lies. Believing his lies may convince you to doubt God, just as Adam and Even questioned the Father’s goodness and rebelled against him. Thank God . . .
Hope Heals
That awful morning of sobbing turned out to be one of the best days of my life. God picked that summer sky blue, bird-happy morning to begin my journey to deeper love of Jesus.
I learned the beautiful truth of who God is and who I am in Christ. God pointed me to bible passages, prayer, journaling, and Christian lyrics that countered the lie that I wasn’t a “defect” – an identity I sucked onto like a leech . . . even as a believer in Jesus!
He taught me in the office of a Christian counselor to let God’s light dispel the darkness of childhood secrets. In this same office, I discovered the value of guarding my heart and moving forward with promises of hope.
What a privilege for me to provide biblical truth and practical help with compassion. God called me to a ministry of biblical counseling, writing, and speaking. If I hadn’t experienced pain and healing, how would I know promises of hope, and how would I know . . . hope heals.
DOWNLOAD: Snag this hope-filled download on your true identity in Christ.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
