FEAR. It’s the new four-letter word. It began long, long before 9/11, school shootings, and the controversy over our current president. Flip through the first pages of the Bible, and see its ugliness from the Fall to today.
In this brief article, you’ll discover:
- Fear often has its start in childhood.
- There’s a biblical solution to fear.
Fear usually begins early.
When fear begins early, it often takes on one of two main forms. For women: fear of rejection and abandonment creeps For men: the fear of failure.
For me, my fear of rejection goes back to my childhood. My mom was often sad and chain-smoked. And my dad was present physically but absent emotionally. And so, like many of my counselees, seeds of difficulty began sprouting early. We biblical counselors call these “sharing influences.” Yes, these shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions. However, they do not determine them.
My dad didn’t do anything horrible to me. He just didn’t notice me, really. And he never smiled. But I hoped to make him happy. In fact, I longed for his acceptance.
What about you? What triggered your fear of abandonment? Click & Tweet!
When we try to control fear, it’s likely we’ll feel discouraged.
We each have ways of handling fear, right? But our solutions usually backfire.
My well-meant but messed-up solution: control. I attepted to control my to try to control him by being the perfect little girl who never got in trouble and brought home excellent report cards and who did everything right.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
And I felt sad.
Only much later did I learn he suffer manic-depression. Still, my fear of abandonment lingered.
God provides a better way.
God wants you to experience success, according to His definition. That is, he wants you to become more like Christ. God has planned that those who love Him “be conformed to the likeness of His Son” (Romans 8:29). Since Jesus is in us, and we in Him, we have confidence that no matter what happens–a home foreclosure, a child’s bad report card, illness, even the death of a loved one–He is with us and helps us.
Please know that everyone struggles with fear. You are not alone. Learning to defeat fear requires a shift in focus. So rather than focus on self, love God and love people more than their approval.
So now what?
- Recognize God is sovereign over your fears. He knows your struggle and helps you. So look to Him. Jesus lovingly commands, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry. . .” (Matthew 6:33-34a).
- Choose to love people more than their approval. The apostle Paul wrote, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).
Please remember that becoming more like Christ is a life-long process. Keep taking one step then another.
AN OFFER: I meet with women nearly every day by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom and help them find godly solutions to the problems they face. If you’d like a complimentary phone consult to see if biblical counseling is a good fit for you, simply contact me. NO spam, promise.
A fear I face is the fear of never measuring up and being who I am meant to be in Christs eyes, thanks for the reminder that it doesnt happen overnight!
Fear sinks its teeth into our thoughts, feeling, and behavior. Over time it becomes habit. Praise God that you and I can learn new godly habits. May our great God surround you with His peace, love and truth.
your posts have literally hitting my heart about the fear and rejection. my father was in the navy so my abandonment issues started from birth as well as the lack of relationship with him didnt change over the years. i think fear strikes at the trust and belief in God. we live in the past and regret and are afraid of everything from our future, others rejection failure and failure to respond to cut the root of it. i learned yesterday that forgiveness and faith are the cure. i have been trying to focus something else praying for others and Isaiah 43 where he will be with us even though the waters flood over our heads.
Rejection and fear can become a cycle, as can anger and fear. It goes back to the root of pride, where I believe my needs/rights/wants are more important than putting God first. Everyone struggles with this to an extent. I am so glad you are finding healing. Blessings to you, Joni.
how do you stop the cycle. i seem to be stuck between anger/frustration and fear.
so if i am suppose to focus on God and love others better than i must order the trait of humility.
Joni, what you are experiencing is very common. When our hearts are full of pride (i.e., self-rule) we want we do not have, leading often to anger and a desire to control AND to fear of losing what we have or of never getting what we hope to to have.
To your question on HOW do you stop the cycle: in short, make God first in your life always. This is HARD and is why the Bible implores you to be in community with other Christians who’ll speak truth and love into your life.
I recognize that you and other Christians may not be in a redemptive church community. In this case you can turn to your pastor or to a female biblical counselor. She will walk with you in your troubles and help you find a redemptive church community.
Thank you for sharing, Joni. You are not alone. God loves you and wants freedom for you.
Great post, Lucy Ann. You took a complicated issue and presented it clearly and simply. Love that!
Thank you, Lyn. I appreciate you. 🙂
Fear of getting close to people. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. I know it all stems from my childhood. I’ve never “not” felt this way. It’s a struggle to pretend day to day I am fine.
Donna, so much fear in your life. My heart aches for you. If you ever want to talk, please contact me. God gives hope big time.
Hi Lucy,
Fear has been a big issue for me since my kids were born. I might have always been afraid of rejection, but now I fear EVERYTHING. Not just for myself, but for my kids. I’m afraid of germs, strangers, undercooked food, shadows, loud noises, the future.
When I noticed I was giving more power to fear rather than to faith, I started a blog that confesses the truth. I try to post a Christian affirmation several times a week that helps me put my thoughts where they should be: on God and His faithfulness. It’s amazing how the enemy tries to destroy our peace, and how God’s word transforms us!
Thanks for this post! I so appreciate hearing a little of your story and the encouragement you give. Blessings on you!
Shelley Ring
God bless you, Shelley. You recognize fear in your life. This is a huge step in overcoming it. Confessing God’s truth is another huge step in the right direction. If you ever need counsel, please contact me. I’m here to share comfort, hope and truth. Blessings to you, Lucy
I’m Counselling with Lucy and I realise I have having trouble trusting a new female person in my life. this is because the women in my family are so unavailable with emotional openess. i think my gift from god is understanding people’s emotional life. and i can use this to become a counsellor.
Claudia, God often uses our pain to come alongside people who hurt as we’ve been hurt. You could comfort others with the comfort God has given you. I think you could make a wonderful counselor. Blessings, Lucy
Basically reporter contact with this particular post… My spouse and i enjoyed the particular read. Thanks