by Lucy | Sep 20, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions
When you hurt someone’s feelings, is it enough to say “I’m sorry”?
Or do these words fall flat when spoken without godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10)? Is there a preferred alternative? Is so, what?
Years ago these questions swirled in my mind when one of my children called her sibling a name, snatched an item without permission, or smacked her on the head.
In this short article, I’ll share. . .
- an experiment that flopped
- the change that made the difference.
The main point: Don’t raise a little pharisee who knows the right words to say.
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Instead, train up a child to who desires to please the Lord.
The ‘I’m Sorry’ Method
Several Christian moms at my church, Bible study, and MOPS swore by a method to change their dear children’s behavior after a skirmish.
Picture this scenario: Carrie tiptoes into older sister Mary’s closet and snags a super cool top to wear. Later Mary sees Carrie at school in her top and pointed words fly like daggers. Later at home their mom learns of the problem and tells the swiper to return the top and say “I’m sorry” followed by “I forgive you” from the other sister, then they hug. She requires both girls to say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” for the mean words, and they hug again.
The mom in the scenario truly believes she’s getting to the root of the problem and that the girls learned a valuable lesson about taking without asking first and using hateful words. Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How did you discipline your kids?
My Experiment
Sort of hopeful (but not confident) this method would work, I tried a week-long experiment with my three children. I clued in my husband. A united front, right?
The plan: When one child was mean in some way to another, the offending kid had to say, “I’m sorry” whether or not she felt sorry. The offended kid had to say, “I forgive you” whether or not she truly forgave her — and they hugged.
The goal: to instill a humble, contrite spirit leading to true repentance. But did it work?
Ah, no.
Laura called Julia a name, said “I’m sorry” while rolling her eyes, and Julia said “I forgive you” with great enthusiasm, bless her heart. Their hug resembled a vice grip you might witness on WWE. Within minutes John hit Julia in the face with a bouncy ball. It was an accident.
“I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you.”
Vice-grip hug.
Those two began throwing things at each other just to get to the vice-grip hug. Laura was “like whatever” and escaped to her bedroom.
When a lamp crashed and a cat flew out of the way, I stopped the experiment. I could not handle another six days!
The experiment flopped.
My children said the right words without an inkling of repentance. I was raising vice-grip loving, little Pharisees!
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Change That Makes the Difference
The real point behind genuine sorrow is repentance. Wordly sorrow is fakery; it’s death.
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death (2 Corninthians 7:10).
“Sorrow,” in this context, refers to sorrow that is according to the will of God and produced by the Holy Spirit, says pastor John MacArthur whose Grace to You media ministry reaches millions. True repentance is impossible apart from genuine sorrow over one’s sin.
This was my problem and my kids’ problem: The “I’m sorry” were just words, not genuine sorrow.
Worldly sorrow has no redeeming value. This type of “I’m sorry” results from getting caught in a sin or from wounded pride, and leads to shame, despair, self-pity, and even death (see Mattew 27:3 for the account of Judas’ hanging).
Genuine repentance is at the very heart of one’s salvation. Believers repent of their sin continually as they turn from loveless thoughts, words, behaviors, and motivations and turn to God.
A person who is truly repentant experiences change in the inner person. Consider this:
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. (Matthew 15:18-19, NIV)
The Pharisees were experts in “good” behavior–as my children became adept at saying “I’m sorry” and vice-grip hugs–and missed heart change. True repentance cuts to the heart.
An Offer
Are your kids (young or older) driving you nuts? Do you need encouragment and godly counsel? Consider scheduling a free 15-minute phone call with me; contact me and we’ll set it up.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | May 17, 2013 | emotions
. . .and you thought it passed.
Sure, the flowers are wilted, the chocolate savored, and Starbucks’ cards — thank you, family — slipped in wallet for a must-have-caffeine kinda day. And. . .
laundry piles. Dishes overflow sink. Dust bunnies waltz.
Kids drop shoes IN THE MIDDLE OF ROOMS, where people walk and trip and roll eyes.
Doesn’t this sound like grumbling, these bye-gone chocolates and laundry piles: John 6:43?
It Could Be Worse!
Rather than an inconvenience of skirting shoes, couldn’t I — like many of you — be living tough stuff now? Look at the graphic up top. Click it to see it up close. I pinned it to Pinterest and others re-pinned. Facebook friends shared it. Last time I looked way over a thousand saw and liked and “got it.” Motherhood is not for sissies.
Infertility. Depression. Anxiety. Rebellious kids. Babies with special needs. Addictions. Abortion.
This is tough stuff that often is not discussed in church. Or when it is, the moms (or wannabe moms) and hurting people in general sometimes receive no comfort and sometimes condemnation.
One Southern woman I counseled by Skype had confided in a female leader at her church a little about her life. This leader later called her a liar. The woman told me she did lie then lied about lying; there is so so so much more to the story than that. So much more. Why couldn’t this leader show compassion like Jesus rained on the woman at the well (John 4:4-26)?
Do you need a compassionate listener? When someone in the church offended you, how did you respond? Did you lean toward God or away?
It Can Be Better
Mom, you can live a better life of hope and joy. This is God’s will for you too. Difficult times come. Yet you can learn how to handle them from a Gospel viewpoint. The Gospel is the Person and work of Jesus Christ.
Here’s one example. As circumstances — “my husband looks at internet porn” — evoke a response — “I give him the silent treatment” — you may have messy thoughts — “when he looks at naked women, I get angry” — which reveal your motives: the idol of fear.
This sounds bad and it is, for idol worship is sinful, but good news abounds.
- If your church offers biblical counseling, make an appointment.
- If you’re in a healthy, caring small group, share your struggles confidentially.
- If you are no longer in a church or sense there isn’t a safe place to share at your church, may I pray for you and ask you to consider contacting me? As you may know, I am a certified biblical counselor through the Association of Biblical Counselors and a graduate of Western Seminary, Portland, OR, in Pastoral Care to Women, and this is the cool thing:
I counsel women from all over the world using Skype. You see me and I see you, from the convenience of your home.
You can find hope that leads to joy. God is good. Got questions? Drop me a note.
P.S. During the next several weeks I’ll update and post my readers’ favorite posts. I’ll have a surprise for you in July when I unveil my new website with new, highly practical resources for you .
Blessings of Hope!
by Lucy | May 7, 2013 | biblical counseling
I asked a few hundred women in a Facebook group this Q: What is your top mama need?
Three kept popping up: A support system of family and friends, time alone, and encouragement.
Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’ll address yours in a blog post or give you an answer by email. 🙂
Also please leave a comment! Comments give encouragement to me and others. 🙂
Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post and type your comment. Thanks!
Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of taking a timeout. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!
What a Time Out Is NOT
When a mama takes a time out, she is not beating herself up.
I need to do more. I’m a bad mom. The laundry’s flowing over baskets. Err, this counter is sticky, this floor is stick, I’m sticky. I suck.
In your time out you do NOT start planning. Hey, if I’m taking a time out, I might as well get busy planning my day, my week, my month, my life. NO! Do NOT go here.
You do NOT rehearse “what if’s.” What if I were thinner or toner or smarter or organized?
Do you beat yourself up sometimes, thinking you should do more or do different? Isn’t this a recipe for anxiety?
What a Time Out Is!
A time out is a time to rest. Sure, take a nap if you need one. But here I am focusing on resting the mind, bathing the Spirit in Jesus’ invitation. You know it, don’t you?
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
These are power words, this time out invitation. Disconnecting with worry and busyiness. Connect with the One who loves you best. Amen.
Among the women I counsel biblically, I register not only a lack of soul rest but also iffy self care. Easy to remedy self care. Here are the three most important:
1. Drink water, about 6 to 8 8-ounces a day. Water has many healing properties. I’ll write a post soon on the spiritual and emotional healing properties of water. Incidentally, soda pop is not water.
2. Get enough sleep, about 7 to 10 hours daily. Set a time to get ready for bed and a time to wake up. Again, there are spiritual and emotional health benefits to sleep.
3. Move. You don’t have to join a gym or sign up for Zumba. Just move. Walks are perfect. Stretch. Breath deep from the belly.
What’s Next
When you read a post suggesting change, you make feel overwhelmed. Change is hard. You may feel defeated or think, “I tried that before and I quit after three days, so why bother?”
Why bother?
Take a time out to refresh and regroup because you matter, you are valuable, you are significant. Your children (toddlers or married adults) are watching how you take care of yourself and spend your time. God rested, didn’t he?
Take a time out and rest in Jesus. Go to him. He’s waiting. Find rest for your soul.
Coming up in the “Mama Needs a Break” series: Your Next Big Thing!
photo credit: Myxi via photopin cc
Blessings and Hope!
by Lucy | Sep 22, 2011 | emotions
Tired of trite answers about family life? So are your kids. Your children are growing up in a world that is different from the one you knew as a child.
“Tired of trite answers about family life? So are your kids. Your children are growing up in a world that is different from the one you knew as a child.”
This is how Mary DeMuth describes her re-released parenting book titled You Can Raise Courageous and Confident Kids: Preparing Your Children for the World They Live In.
Friends, isn’t that true! Our kids are growing up in a world vastly different than the one we experienced. The post 9/11 world seems scary and unpredictable. Even moms are hiding under the covers.
Solutions! Please!
Mary shared several solutions on my online radio show, REFILLS. REFILLS shares cups of comfort, truth, and hope with women and with the leaders who serve them. It airs every Tuesday at 2 p.m. Eastern (11 a.m. Pacific). You may listen to the show featuring Mary by clicking here.
During the show, our listeners chimed in with their solutions and comfort for one another. Take a peek.
Mary ~ a problem today: overscheduling
Amanda ~ Amen to that. My child is not involved in anything
Amy ~ I got ridiculed for NOT scheduling the heck out of my kids…PLUS not scheduling myself! We allow our children down time. There is nothing wrong in beign bored or exploring interests/hobbies within the family
Amanda ~ My daughter prefers to dig in the dirt, totally free.
Me ~ Mary felt overwhelmed by her own expectations — well-behaved kids, dinner on the table, et cetera.
Amy ~ Learning how to help your children be responsible, especially older ones.
Me ~ Mary loves parenting teens! YAY Mary!
Shari ~ I do too!!!! I LOVE my teen boy…..it’s very fun!
Amanda ~ I’m scared of parenting a teen with autism!
Mary ~ Amanda, that would be hard.
Sweetie ~ What we find with our teenagers is working on methods to keep the conversations going…afterschool “first telling” with time for snacks…being available for them to simply hear…not plug in at first
Amy ~ I am also keeping the conversation open. We also watch TV shows together and then discuss the topic…the news and how they are feeling about it.
Amanda ~ That is a great idea, Amy.
Sweetie ~ We use the same three questions: “What was best about today, What was hardest, Who do you think needs our prayers today”
Me ~ Another solution: Just say no. Write a not-to-do list.
Friends, that’s just part of the chat log from the show. You are also welcome to join the new Facebook group called The REFILLS Lounge where the conversations continue. To join, simply go on Facebook, use the search box to get to The REFILLS Lounge, then ask to be added. This is a closed group and is for women only. Remember: God gives free refills. Get yours today. 🙂
You are BLESSED!
