by Lucy | Jan 24, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions
Self-counsel: When you counsel yourself with biblical truth, your emotions become more stable and you respond in better ways. Why? Because you’re speaking truth to your heart! This article by Heart2Heart Counselor Ellen Castillo appeared first here at BC4Women blog and is used with permission. Check out Ellen’s page in the Heart2Heart Counselor Directory.
A couple of months ago, I was in a car accident. My van was totaled, but my daughter and I were not seriously injured. Whiplash, bruises, and soreness have become our daily battles, but those things will get better.
Emotional Effects Post-Trauma
The emotional effects are the most difficult to overcome. I have counseled many post-accident and post-trauma victims. As biblical counselors, we know how to come alongside someone gently in the immediate days following trauma. We know how to eventually begin to target the heart when we see unhealthy and unbiblical responses to the trauma.
When the trauma is our own, do we know how to “self-counsel” our own hearts? There is no trauma too big or too small when it comes to the need for counsel.
When we find ourselves repetitively dwelling on and reliving the accident details, condemning ourselves for the guilt we might bear for the cause of the trauma or accident, having panic attacks at the thought of re-entering normal life again, getting behind the wheel, or seeing the place where the trauma occurred, we must cling to the good counsel we offer to others by offering it to our own hearts.
Goals of Biblical Counseling
One of the goals of biblical counseling is that the counselee would eventually be able to do self-counsel. Self-counsel means that when someone is struggling with sin or suffering, she can turn to God’s Word for answers. She can read, study, memorize, and pray as she seeks to bring the gospel to bear on her struggle.
In that process, God can reveal her heart issues, and she can focus on mind renewal as she repents of her sin. This is how we are all to live, every day, as self-counselors.
Good Self-Counsel Helps for Trauma
As I continue to recover from whiplash as I write this, I have found these things to be most helpful. This is good self-counsel for someone who has recently suffered any kind of trauma:
- Take every thought captive. Remember that every struggle we have begins with a thought. 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to destroy the things in our thoughts that are not consistent with the gospel.
- Focus on what is true. Philippians 4:4-9 is a passage to go to often and consider it as sort of a checklist. Run your thoughts through that Philippians 4:8 grid, and redirect your thought life.
- Rehearse the gospel. This phrase is not a cliche, it is life-giving. Thinking on the gospel recalibrates our minds and reminds us that we are no longer under condemnation, that we have been given a new identity, and so much more.
- Fight the fear with the knowledge of God’s sovereignty. God is either in control or He isn’t, and I believe He IS. Yes, even over my car accident. I do not need to know the why’s or how’s in order to trust His promises. Romans 8:28 keeps me from dipping too deep into the “why me’s”.
- Know when your natural initial responses are becoming debilitating, and ask for help. Low-grade temporary depression, for example, is common to most trauma victims. But debilitating depression requires intensive biblical counseling. If you are unable to function at home or on the job, spend most of your day isolating or sleeping, have turned to substance use to self-medicate, are unable to make decisions, or get along with those you love, then it is time to ask for help. God’s Word has answers you need, but we sometimes need someone to come alongside us and show us the way.
- Some people say that “time heals” even trauma. I suggest that although that may seem to be true sometimes, it is only God who can truly heal a traumatized heart. Because of my self-counsel, I am struggling far less with the effects that the accident had on me.
How to Self-Counsel
To self-counsel, you must seek Him more intentionally, dig deep into His Word – read it, study it, memorize it. Keep a meaty prayer life, stay in the church, and in fellowship with Christian friends who encourage you (and also admonish you as needed.)
Serve in ministry at your church, putting others before yourself. And do not hesitate to call on a biblical counselor if you are stuck, and she will be glad to come alongside and offer help and hope. These are the things that helped me and I believe they will help you, too, regardless of your struggle.
Isaiah 41:10 (ESV) “Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Nov 10, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions |
Your language matters! The words you say indicate what’s going on in your heart. And when you replace your words with biblical language, you can make significant progress. Observe how Heart2Heart Counselor Suzanne Holland listens to her counselee’s language and helps her find victory. Suzanne’s article appeared first here and is used with permission.
A counselee I was seeing for depression and anger issues once had this response when I asked her how her week went:
I really messed up this time. I yelled at my kids, and they didn’t even deserve it! I was so irritated with their behavior that I just snapped and started screaming.
I realized almost as soon as the first sentence came out of my mouth that I was blowing it, but I couldn’t stop. I was just so mad.
She continued to describe the incident, sharing with me about what happened when her husband came home:
Well, I had told the kids I was sorry, but I felt really bad about my slip-up. When my husband got home, I was irritable and snappy with him, because I was just so mad at myself. I had to apologize to him too, but that didn’t help either.
I went to bed depressed and cried myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I’ll never get this temper under control!
The Language of Truth
As I listened to my counselee, I was making notes about the words she had chosen to describe her actions.
Many times, the language our counselees use to describe their problems can give us a clue as to why they are not finding victory. I’ll explain what I mean by sharing with you the questions I asked my counselee about her word choices, using the quotes above as an example.
I really messed up this time.
Questions: What does that mean? What is the biblical word for “messed up”?
Did my counselee make a mistake when she yelled at her kids? If I “mess up,” that might mean I forgot to carry a number in my checkbook, or I bumped the curb when I turned the corner.
Yelling and screaming at your kids is not messing up. Yelling and screaming at your kids (or anyone else) is an uncontrolled outburst of wrath, and it is sin.
I was so irritated with their behavior that I just snapped and started screaming.
Questions: What kind of behavior were you expecting? What entitles you to have what you expect? What is the reason that the behavior was not brought under discipline before it got to that point? Was everything calm and cool before you “just snapped,” or were there warning signs that you were becoming angry, which you chose to ignore?
Language Reveals a Deeper Problem
When someone tells me they are irritated with something, it’s a sure sign that they believed they were entitled to something else.
Any sense of entitlement is an attitude of pride. Also, at least in parenting, behavior that reaches the point where Mom wants to scream is usually a behavior that should have been addressed much sooner. This is often the result of distraction or just plain laziness on mom’s part.
With very rare exceptions, no one “just snaps.” There are always thoughts and warning signs leading up to a sinful outburst of anger. Mom may choose to ignore or stuff them, but they are there, and it is a decision she makes to either address or ignore them.
I realized almost as soon as the first sentence came out of my mouth that I was blowing it, but I couldn’t stop. I was just so mad.
Question: Was there an unseen force that took over your body and made you keep yelling and screaming?
This may 
sound facetious, but it gets the point across quickly. Obviously, this part of her report is a lie, whether or not she sees it. Of course, she had a choice to stop screaming, even in the midst of her angry outburst. Her decision to continue led to her sin.
Well, I had told the kids I was sorry, but I felt really bad about my slip-up.
Why Apologize?
Questions: How does the Bible teach us to express sorrow when we have hurt someone? Where in the Bible do people say they are sorry? What is the biblical word for ‘slip-up’?
Apologizing for a slip-up is not the path to reconciliation. Asking for forgiveness for sin is.
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My counselee “felt really bad” because she had not repented and received forgiveness from God and her children for her sin.
When my husband got home, I was irritable and snappy with him, because I was just so mad at myself. I had to apologize to him too, but that didn’t help either.
Questions: What do you think is the reason your apologies didn’t help your mood?
This is where we will begin to discuss the difference between messing up and sinning, between apologizing and repenting. She went to bed depressed (sorrowful without hope), and rightly so! There is no hope in apologizing for a mess-up. There is, however, great hope in repenting of sin and receiving forgiveness!
Changing Your Language–Wow!
The point of dissecting these few sentences is to show you the importance of using biblical language when you address counseling issues. Most counselees aren’t even aware that the language they use to describe their sin makes a difference in whether or not they will overcome it.
Let’s rephrase my imaginary counselee’s report, to see if it makes a different impact:
I really sinned this time. I yelled at my kids, and they didn’t even deserve it! I was so entitled and prideful about their behavior that I just ignored the warning signs that I was becoming sinfully angry, and made a decision to start screaming.
I realized almost as soon as the first sentence came out of my mouth that I was grieving the Lord, but I held fast to my decision and exercised my will to continue. I was just so sinfully angry!
And about her interaction with her husband…
Well, I had told the kids I was sorry, but I felt extreme guilt about my sin. When my husband got home, I was prideful and sinfully angry with him, because I had not received forgiveness for my sin. I had to apologize to him too, but that didn’t help either.
I went to bed sorrowing without hope, and indulged in self-pity. Sometimes, I think I’ll never get this sinful anger under control!
Biblical Language Pierces the Heart
Do you see how using biblical language shines a very bright light on sin, and makes it crystal clear what needs to happen to bring about change? My counselee certainly did!
As she learned to use biblical language to describe her temptations and sins, her heart was more readily pierced, and she began to hate even the idea of knowingly sinning in these ways. One thing she said in this quote was probably true: Thinking and speaking the way she was about it, she likely would never have overcome it.
There is no hope in “feeling guilty.”
When we have sinned, the only way to freedom is repentance.
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If I don’t know or acknowledge that what I have done is sin, how can I be forgiven? How can I be restored to a right relationship with the person against whom I have sinned?
I will continue to sin, apologize, and feel bad forever if I don’t understand and apply the truth of Scripture to my behavior.
Are there areas of your life, or perhaps your counselees’, where you think using more consistently biblical language could help in overcoming a pattern of sinful response?
Reply in the comments, and let’s talk about it!
An Offer from Lucy
Are you struggling? I invite you to sign up for a 15-minute phone consultation — it’s free — to ask questions and discover if biblical counseling is right for you. (We can Skype no matter where you live or meet in person in greater Chicago.) Contact me.
Would you like more hope-filed and practical encouragement? Sign up for my blog and get a free eBook.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Sep 4, 2016 | biblical counseling
You can become the excellent woman of God.
Sound impossible? The word excellent seems lofty, like pinning a star in the sky.
But the bible says the excellent woman is mighty, strong, and virtuous. She is no wimp!
She smiles at the future. The latest fashion? Not her thing. Rather, the excellent woman attends to her inner self and has a reverential awe of God. For a description of her, read this.
Are you living in a way that displays your love for God and for others?
Or have the life’s troubles gotten in the way? Are they pulling you down? Are you trying and trying and trying but failing? Are you weary?
God Knows Your Needs
God cares for every woman.
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Mary of Bethany sat at the feet of Jesus, a student before her teacher Jesus. A thinking woman, this Mary had sass. Sure, she skipped out on helping her hospitality-gifted sister, Martha. But when Martha complained to Jesus–
‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’
–did he send her to the kitchen? No. He said she “has chosen what is better.”
Mary reminds me of a former counselee, also an excellent woman! Head down, shoulders slumped, she described her exhaustion and depression to me while balling tissues. After listening, I asked her, “Do you want to get well?”
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“Yes,” she replied.
“It’s going to require you to complete assignments.”
“Anything!” she insisted, her eyes sparkling with hope.
Counseling the Word
Do you also want to become an excellent woman who possesses these qualities?
- Secure in Christ
- Confident in Christ
- At peace with Christ
Who wouldn’t? Almost every counselee I’ve known desires godly families and friendships, a close walk with her Creator, and freedom from the junk: bad finances, addictions, sadness, fear, anxiety, loneliness.
The counsel of the Word makes all the difference.
While pastors preach the Word (i.e., sermons), only some counsel the Word to hurting people in their congregation. Often pastors refer their hurting people to mental health professionals who counsel by psychology. Psychology focuses on getting your “needs” met or your “love cup” filled, among other things. Its founder, Sigmund Freud, was an atheist who founded a secular, godless philosophy.
In contrast, counseling the Word is biblical counseling!
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It is motivated by love and saturated with the timeless truth of scripture. It is a process where believers encourage, instruct, comfort, and correct other believers with the goal of growth in their love for God and their neighbor–for God’s glory.
Some believers, like myself and and women listed in the Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, have sought formal training in biblical counseling and counsel others in person and by Skype. It’s our calling.
Scripture Is the Cornerstone
Would you like to know how biblical counseling helps you become an excellent woman? When I first meet with a counselee, I usually share 2 Timothy 3:16-17:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man [and woman] of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
At later sessions, I hear her story, reveal the role of the heart in spiritual health, help her identify the root cause of her problem, and design an action plan. God himself helps you reach the goal of overcoming sin and living a life of loving Him and others.
Would you like to be an excellent woman thoroughly equipped for every good work? May I invite you to contact me? On staff of Biblical Counseling Center, I counsel hope to the heart of the hurting.
SPECIAL: I’d love to send you a FREE guide called “You Are Beautiful.” To get your guide, click HERE. Please put “I Want Wholeness” in the subject line.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | May 18, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions, thoughts
Your heart is the real you, according to Jesus.
If you want to understand yourself, your spouse, your child, or anyone, you need to understand their heart as best you can.
Would you like to know what causes your fear of public speaking, or your spouse’s brooding, or your child’s backtalk, or a friend’s love of posting selfies on Facebook and Instagram? Then seek to understand the heart. You’ll never know your own heart perfectly — or theirs. Only God does (Psalm 44:21).
In this article, you’ll learn a basic definition of the heart, discover its three main parts, and how God transforms you.
The Heart Defined
Most people think the heart is the emotional part of a person. Scripture suggests that it is your mind, emotions, and will. It is the center of your being. You can compare it to a control center. It controls what you think, feel, say, and do.
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Proverbs 4:23 says it well:
Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Everything.
And the picture isn’t pretty. Did you know that God nearly wiped out the entire human race? You hear about it in Genesis 6, just three short chapters after the Fall, when Adam and Eve took a bite of disobedience and sin entered the world.
The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. (Genesis 6:5)
The Bible says your heart “tricks or deceives us into thinking that our desires are pure, that we want what we want because it is good and God approves,” writes Elyse Fitzpatrick, the author of many books including Idols of the Heart.
As you struggle against sin, God will help you trust him. He will help you desire to do his will always. He knows your struggles, and he loves you completely. You are his. He is transforming you.
3 Parts of the Heart
“Heart” is the word the Bible uses for your mind and your emotions and your will altogether.
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Your mind, emotions, and will work together and influence one another.
Your mind: Your mind involves your ability to understand, reason, and discern. It includes your beliefs and opinions.
- Taken aback with news from angels about her son, Mary the mother of Jesus “treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).
- The power of God’s word “judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12)
- As a man thinks in his heart so is he (Proverbs 23:7, NLT).
Your emotions: Generally, your emotions also include your longings, desires, and hopes.
- But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation (Psalm 13:5).
- If you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts. . . (James 3:14).
Your will: Your will is the part of your inner person that chooses what actions to take. Your mind and emotions inform your will what to do.
- Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve (Joshua 24:15).
- Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth (2 Corinthians 12:6)
How God Transforms You
It is possible to change what you think, feel, and do with God’s miraculous help.
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You need heart change to change your life. Only God can do this.
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life (Titus 3:3-7).
Your transformation is all God!
You were saved by faith and now you are called to live by faith.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness (Colossians 2:6-7).
Living by faith is part of progressive sanctification, and you become more like Jesus Christ in your inner self. God renews your mind and your beliefs, and ultimately your desires. You begin wanting to do God’s will rather than your own. Your heart becomes increasingly Christ-centered. It is decreasingly me-centered.
Changing behavior is never enough. You need heart transformation to change the real you!
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Sharing hope with your heart,
by Lucy | Apr 21, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions, thoughts
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