by Lucy | Apr 19, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions
Body language and tone of voice — Isn’t is hard to believe that these are far more important in communicating your feelings and attitudes than your words?
Clear communication matters in every relationship you have. The clearer your communication, the stronger your marriage and your friendships, even your interaction with a Starbucks barista. There are three main parts to any message: your body language (especially facial expression), your tone of voice, and your words.
God values loving and truthful communication. Did you know all talk is really heart talk?
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“Christ recognized that all talk is heart talk. . . .our words affirm our inner condition,” says Joe Stowell in The Weight of Your Words.
Everything you say — your words, body language, and tone of voice — reveals the desires and motivations of your heart. Your heart is the immaterial part of your being; it is your “control center.” Your beliefs, values, desires, and motivations reside in your heart and are exposed though your words as well as your actions, emotions, and thoughts.
CRAZY FACT: Your words are the least important part of your message! Only 7 percent of your message is verbal. Facial expressions are the most important (55 percent), followed by tone of voice (38 percent). These percentages are based on well-known research by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, professor emeritus, UCLA.
In this article, you’ll get two important insights
- Why body language is super important.
- How to give a clear message.
Why Body Language Is Super Important
Body language is visual. It is the most important part of interpersonal communication. A person’s eyes are especially important. Read more about the eyes. Some examples of body language:
- Crossed arms
- Raised eyebrows
- Shoulder shrug
- Pursed lips
- Smirk
- Pointing finger
- Staring
- Lack of eye contact
- Rapid blinking
- Shifting from foot to foot
- Drumming fingers
- Covering mouth with hand
- Smiling
The examples are nearly endless. What would you add to the list?
Two pictures:
A while back I talked with a teenage girl who didn’t want to talk to me. I asked a few easy questions about school and after-school activities, and she answered politely. Her tone of voice was generally friendly, as were her words. How how could I could I tell she wanted to be anyplace but my office? She looked to the side and she looked down, but never made eye contact. I asked her straight-out: Did your parents make you come? “Yes,” she blurted, her eyes on me, finally.
Another time I met with a twenty-something woman who had a story to share. She stammered. She looked down. She twisted a tissue in her hands. Before she said a word, I knew her story was difficult and painful.
One reason I prefer to meet with counselees in person or by Skype is to see their nonverbal communication. Some biblical counselors call it “halo data” — vital information you see and even hear, such as a sigh or a clearing of the throat. It gives important information so that — in Christ’s strength — I can counsel well.
If I didn’t see my counselee’s body language, I’d have an incomplete message.
How to Give a Clear Message
Have you played the game “Match the Pair”? Cards are placed faced down, and you turn over two at a time. When you get a matching pair, you get a point. You use visual cues alone to try to win the most pairs.
In regular communication, body language and tone of voice matter greatly, as you know. To give — and receive — a clear message, you need to match up all three parts of communication: body language, tone of voice, and words.
Mary Kassian says in Conversation Peace, “All three parts of the message must align and be consistent to the for the message to be believed.” For example, if you use friendly words, but your brow is furrowed and your voice sounds snarky, then your message will be disregarded. Your communication confuses more than it helps.
To give a clear message, be sure to match up the three parts of a message.
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Think of a recent time you experienced a communication mishap. Did your tone of voice match your words? How about your facial expressions and body language? Did they line up with your verbals?
With your mouth, you can tell the truth or lie, encourage or complain, boast or speak humbly. What you say reveals what’s going on inside the deep part of you.
Would you like to start saying what you mean and improve your relationships with others and with God? Contact me to set up a time for a free 15-minute phone consult. May you continue to experience God’s smile on you.
Sharing hope with your heart,
by Lucy | Feb 4, 2016 | emotions, emotions, thoughts |
Isn’t it encouraging that you and God can rewrite old tapes that are negative and discouraging?
These tapes, these words you repeat to yourself, may have a tidbit of truth.
An example:
You may have made a mistake–we all do–but your mistake doesn’t define you.
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To God, you are not a failure.
The old tapes you play may say you you’re a mess-up or lack value or beauty. The most important and wonderful truth: In Christ, you are God’s child and he loves you beyond your imagination.
He loves you, so you can share love with others. . .family, friends, people at church, neighbors, co-workers, the cashier at Walmart, anyone, everyone.
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19, ESV
Tapes Start in Childhood
The old destructive tapes often began in childhood. An exception may be that you married an abusive man who puts you down day after day after day. He may tell you that you’re stupid and a loser. Even with a great childhood, hearing this vitriol in your marriage can undo you and cause you to question your worth.
In childhood, did your dad say or insinuated that you’d amount to nothing or that you were a bother? Did he make unwelcome comments about your looks or women’s beauty (or lack there of)? Did your mom seem preoccupied or highly critical? Did she have her nose in a book or her eyes fixed on TV, and shooed you away when you wanted her attention? Did she give you the silent treatment or yell at you when you failed in her eyes?
If this happened to you, my heart hurts for you. This isn’t the childhood God wants parents to to their children. You can get a picture of God’s plan for parenting here and here and here.
The messages you believed in childhood morphed into tapes that we adults repeat to ourselves regularly, if not daily,
and especially when stressed.
Overcoming the Discouragement of Old Tapes
God loves you so much he wants you to rewrite the tapes from childhood and end the sinful habits you learned from them. You may have tried to overcome your sinful habits–whether worry, bitterness, or laziness–through prayer, Bible study, talking with trustworthy friends, and even counseling. Still, they may plague you.
These sinful habits have lodged in your heart. From the heart flows our thoughts (Proverbs 4:23).
What you believe about yourself and God–whether true or false–becomes part of your thinking, but you can change!
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When negative thoughts pop us, they may seem to come out of nowhere. It’s as if they have a life of their own. When plagued with negative thoughts, isn’t it easy to feel helpless?
You may be tempted to give up on changing them. As a Christ-follower, you know God wants to thinks thoughts pleasing to him. Doesn’t Philippians 4:8 say. . .?
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
There is hope!
Rewriting Old Tapes Is a Process
You can rewrite the old tapes that began in childhood. This won’t happen overnight; it’s a process. As you replace lies you believe with God’s truth–wonderful changes ensue:
- Your thought patterns improve.
- Your beliefs line up more and more with the Word of God.
- You begin to desire what God desires–that his will be done.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4, NIV
Most important, your life glorifies God. Isn’t this the real reason God created us?
As you meditate on scripture, you create new tapes, encouraging and godly and life-giving tapes. These new tapes replace the old ones. and your thoughts, emotions, and actions follow suit. Your heart is revived!
“Heart” is the biblical term for your beliefs and motivations from which your thoughts, emotions, and actions flow. When the Bible speaks of the heart, it is almost exclusively refers to the inner workings of the soul and mind. It is the immaterial part of your being.
At first change may seem slow. As you continue to internalize the God’s truths, the greater and faster these changes will be!
Awful thoughts and sinful habits that plague you will lessen, even disappear. You’ll feel joy–and dare I say, true happiness.
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Your Next Step
Look up the Bible verses listed below. Memorize them one at a time and meditate on them.
Some of my counselees like to write them on index cards or sticky notes and place them on their car dashboard or bathroom mirror to reread them often. Others like to “draw” the verses, using the words with sketches.
Romans 12:1-2
Ephesians 4:22-24
2 Peter 1:3-4
Soon you’ll have new tapes because your mind cannot have both sinful and righteous thoughts at the same time. Tell me how it goes. I love hearing from my readers!
OFFER: I offer a complimentary 15-minute, phone consultation with any woman who has questions about counseling. To take advantage of this offer, simply contact me and say “I’d like a consultation.” I’ll email you and we’ll set up a time to talk on the phone.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart!
by Lucy | Jul 11, 2010 | biblical counseling |
This is the second of a two-part series on shepherding your child’s heart and living to tell about it.
To mother your child well, determine to shepherd her heart. This matters most!
Here are three ideas.
1. Let reality be the teacher.
2. Respond rather than react.
3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.
An example: Your 12-year-old daughter is supposed to clean her room on Saturday mornings. It’s noon. Her room looks scary messy, like a horde of chipmunks dumped her drawers and chomped Cheetos. She sweetly sing-songs, “When are we going to get my fish? You said we’d go to the pet store today.”
Though your innards may twist, don’t yell, stomp or wail. Simply say, “We’re not going.” Nothing more.
Chances are she’ll figure out why you refused, and she’ll spic-n-span her room then come to you and ask, “Can we go now?” Don’t take her. Just say, “You didn’t follow through with your responsibility. This is your problem. You must have consequences to your actions.” Next time she has a chore, she’ll do it.
Or not.
What if your child turns into Attila the Hun and begins acting out? Focus on the heart. Prayerfully ask, Why is she misbehaving? The answer may be obvious. Or, you may need to lovingly ask your child what’s happening. Your goal is to understand the root of her behavior.
While dealing with the root of her problem, insist she follow through on her responsibilities. Take care to do only do for your child what she cannot do for herself.
The other day, I said to my 11-year-old son, John, “Close the blinds, please. Obey without delay,” And he said, “OK, mom” and shut them. Right away. No back talk.
Now that may sound like a little thing — and I suppose it is — but for me it was huge.
I said, “John, good job. You obeyed me just like God wanted.”
He smiled.
Then he said, “Can we have pizza for dinner?”
I said, “Nope, not tonight.”
“OK,” he said. Then he started his spelling homework. No reminders. No complaining.
My son isn’t perfect. Neither are my daughters. I’m not either.
I thank God that He impressed on my heart that I need to shepherd the hearts of my children to build godly character. Get to the heart and you’ll parent well.
You Are Valuable!
SPECIAL OFFER: If you agree that mothering is tough, then you should order my 30-minute webinar “Do You Love Your Child TOO Well?” To order send me an email with the words “I want the mothering webinar”: Lucy@LucyAnnMoll. One person who sends me an email will get the webinar for free. The cost of the webinar is $3. If you don’t like it, I’ll refund your money, no questions asked.
by Lucy | Jul 10, 2010 | biblical counseling |
This is the first post of a two-part series on shepherding your child’s heart and living to tell about it. 🙂
Has you child ever. . .
crayoned your walls? CHECK.
bit another kid? CHECK.
bossed you around? CHECK.
Lied? CHECK. Cussed? CHECK. Got sent to the principal’s office? CHECK.
Those check-check-check’s are mine. All mine. Mothering ain’t for sissies. Do I hear an “Amen?” As I journey from Pampers to carpools to prom, I’m finally learning what matters most in parenting.
The child’s heart.
The Bible says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Pr. 4:23). How many times have I read this verse? How many times have I NOT applied it mothering?
The heart refers to the inner person, who your child really is. From the heart flows behavior. When you focus on the heart you affect behavior. Choose to:
— disciplines the child lovingly and consistently.
— holds the child accountable.
— expects the best.
Today more than ever your child need to know she can count on you because the world is scary. From bullies in the neighborhood to news of bombings in Afghanistan, your child needs your guidance.
You should read part two tomorrow. To make sure you get it, sign up to receive my blog. The signup is in the upper right corner. See it? Right there. Cool.
You Are Amazing!
SPECIAL OFFER: If you agree that mothering is tough, then you should order my 30-minute webinar “Do You Love Your Child TOO Well?” To order send me an email with the words “I want the mothering webinar”: Lucy@LucyAnnMoll. One person who sends me an email will get the webinar for free. The cost of the webinar is $3. If you don’t like it, I’ll refund your money, no questions asked.
