by Lucy | Nov 7, 2019 | biblical counseling, emotions, thoughts
Jennifer asked me how to change her thoughts. She had spiraled deep into discouragement and wanted to feel like her old self: upbeat, positive, happy. “This isn’t me,” she shared. “I keep thinking negatively about everything over and over and over. I don’t know how to stop.”
In this article, you learn three new ways to think about your thoughts and learn how to stop life-sapping thinking:
- Ask yourself if your thoughts glorify God.
- Change the thoughts he wants you to change
- Take every thought captive.
1. Ask Yourself an Important Question
What you say to yourself matters. What you think becomes who you are. You want to think well, don’t you? Then you need to ask if your thoughts glorify God.
Words kill, words give life;
they’re either poison or fruit–
you choose. Prov. 18:21
A helpful place to begin is writing down your thoughts in a small, spiral notebook that’s easy to carry with you. When a negative thought pops up, write it down and note what was happening around the time of the thought. Do this for about three days. Don’t concern yourself with changing your thoughts at first. The point is to become aware of them.
You may become aware of thoughts you didn’t even know you were thinking!
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Do you say one of these uglies to yourself?
Very often women silently tell themselves things like:
- I’m such an idiot.
- No one likes me.
- I’m ugly.
- I can’t do anything right.
Did you have any of these thoughts?
Practical help: Review your list of thoughts. Which are the most common ones? When did you tend to have them? Are they glorifying to God? Jennifer had most of her automatic, negative thoughts in the morning before she got out of bed and asked God to show them to her. She wrote out Psalm 139:1-2:
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24
Like Jennifer, you can ask yourself whether your thoughts are glorifying to God.
2. Change Your Thoughts
Which thoughts is God nudging you to change? Not sure? You could measure your thoughts by the instruction of Philippians 4:8.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Jennifer noted that one of her recurring thoughts was, “I’m never going to get better.” This thought is in opposition to “whatever is true.” As a Christian, Jennifer is promised by God to become more and more like Jesus Christ, who says “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10b). This process is called “progressive sanctification.”
When she told herself this life-killing lie, her discouragement worsened. Has this happened to you too? Sadly, negative thinking begets negative emotions. Conversely, says Brian S. Borgman in Feelings and Faith, “Right thinking about God produces and cultivates godly emotions such as peace, joy confidence, and hope.”
You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)
Practical step: Measure your thoughts against Phil. 4:8 and ask God which one you need to change.
3. Take Every Thought Captive
God wants you to walk in the truth. You Enemy has a game plan to get you to believe lies
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— lies about yourself, about your circumstances, and about the Gospel.
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
To take every thought captive to obey Christ, you need to replace the lies with the truth. Go through the list of thoughts you wrote down. For each one that is not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, or commendable, find a Bible verse that replaces the lie with the truth. Jot down the Bible verses you’ve found on index cards or sticky notes.
Yes, it is work to find life-giving Bible verses and write them on card or notes but well worth it. Do you think that looking up verses isn’t worth the effort? Do you have other obstacles? What are they? Why not discuss them with a trusted Christian friend?
2 examples to get you get you started.
Life-sapping thought: God doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care.
Life-giving truth: “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8
Life-sapping thought: Life must go well for me. If it doesn’t, this proves I’m a worthless loser.
Life-giving truth: “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13.
Practical help: Each time your have a negative, life-sapping thought, read the index card or sticky note you made with the life-giving truth. As you repeat this process of taking every thought captive to obey Christ, you will discover that the negative thoughts diminish in frequency and power.
This was Jennifer’s discovery. As she read John 10:10 each time she thought “I’m never going to get better,” she noticed that she thought it less often and she experienced hope and joy. She’s applying the same process to other life-sapping thoughts she has. Her discouragement if lifting. She’s beginning to feel like her old self.
And it all began with thinking about her thoughts. Do you want to replace your negative thoughts too? May I invite you to contact me? We can set up a time to talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consult. I also have a downloadable ebook you make like — “Transform Your Thoughts Journal.”
by Lucy | Feb 2, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 27:3
Unwelcome change! Does it mess up your life too? What’s the best way to respond?
As crazy as it sounds, when Mars changed the color lineup of its meltinyourmouth, notinyourhand candies many years ago, my safe little world got messy. My problem with the new and not improved M‘n’Ms had little to do with food dyes but what the color switch-a-roo symbolized: the aforementioned unwelcome change.
Does unwelcome change upend you too? Perhaps you love new things: you’re a roll-with-it chill kind of person. But most most people have a problem with change. Everything from a lost job or a new job to broken marriages, illness, and rebellious children — these and other unwelcome change create stress, negative thinking, and messy emotions.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4, ESV
2 Step to Handling Unwelcome Change
Pausing is the first step in handling unwelcome change. If you’re a whirling dervish or you have racing thoughts, you cannot think straight.
Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10a, ESV
Once you’ve paused, ask yourself two questions. The first is, What is the unwelcome change? You’d think this would be easy to identify. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you’ll need to stay still and hear God’s gentle voice in your heart.
Here are a few examples of unwelcome change. Which ones have touched your life? What would you add?
A parents’ divorce — “Who do I live with? Is it okay to miss my dad? Am I to blame?”
The new kid at school — “Will the other kids like me? I feel lonely. I feel excluded? Should I run away?”
A new baby — “I love my baby but why does she cry so much? Am I a horrible mom? The other moms make this look easy. What’s wrong with me?”
Depression or anxiety unravels a loved one — “I don’t how to help or what to say. Should I get help from a counselor? Will things get better?
A difficult memory resurfaces — “Did that really happen? Why I’m I feeling so bad?”
Your Emotions Flow from Your Beliefs
The second step is asking yourself, What emotion am I experiencing? Fear and anger typically head the list, but you may feel sad or numb or confused. Identifying your emotion(s) helps you understand your thoughts and your beliefs.
For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 27:3a, AMP
Whatever your emotions, jot yours thoughts in a paper or electronic journal at or near the time your emotion surfaced. An example: Let’s say you feel anxious. Jotting your thoughts reveal that you are concerned about your car’s brakes and how you’ll pay for the repair. Your jotted thoughts may read,
“The repair had better be cheap. Why did I buy that car in the first place? It’s nickeled and dimed us to death! I don’t have the money to repair it.”
Did you know that before you felt anxious, anxious thoughts ping-ponged in your brain?
Now that you’ve paused, identified the unwelcome change as well as your emotions and thoughts concerning it, it’s time to renew your thinking and line them up with God’s thoughts.
Resources for You!
DOWNLOAD: Here’s a free download from Biblical Counseling Center, where I’m on staff, to help you analyze your anger.
EBOOK: Order Transform Your Thoughts Journal. This ebook helps you change your thoughts and experience life change. Easy, fast download.
Counseling Your Heart to Hope,
by Lucy | Sep 14, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, emotions |
Friend, do you know your TRUE heart’s desire? Knowing and fulfilling your heart’s desire can change the direction of your life–from burned out to rest-filled, from down-in-the-dumps to delightful.
Listen to the story of three of my counselees. Notice how different they are. Yet each is making a difference for God’s kingdom. See if your story is similiar.
- Kim teaches Sunday school to preschoolers, showing them the love of God through simple Bible stories, songs, and Jesus “parties.”
- Dora has a decorative flair. She beautifies her church’s worship center, making it inviting to regular attenders and visitors.
- Tanya cleans the homes of elderly folks in need of a helping hand and conversation.
In this brief article you’ll learn:
- why you want to know your heart’s desire.
- 2 quick steps to discovering your heart’s desire.
Why You Want to Know Your Heart’s Desire
You want to know your heart’s desire because. . .this knowledge empowers and energizes you to make a difference in your own life and in other’s lives. Most important, God wants you to know your heart’s desire to honor him. Does this make sense?
When you know your heart’s desire, you are energized to make a difference, honor God, and be happy.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
Sometimes this verse gets mangled. God doesn’t say he’ll give you anything you desire, though at first glance it may sound that way. Reread the verse part of the verse. God gives you the desires of your heart as you submit to Christ.
2 Quick Steps to Discovering your Heart’s Desire
God made you unique. There’s no one on this planet just like you. You have your own DNA, life experiences, upbringing, talents, and spiritual giftedness (1 Corinthians 12:1-3).
QUICK STEP 1:
What propels you out of bed in the morning (other than an amazing cup of coffee)? Are you keen on empowering single moms? Encouraging war veterans? Designing organizational systems? Taking photographs that tell a story?
It may help to jot answers to these questions:
- If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?
- What do other Christians say you’re particularly good at?
- Which of the following people groups tug at your heart? The homeless; women who’ve had abortions; impoverished families; couples in healthy marriages; children with learning disabilities; substance abusers; families of prisoners; the elderly; the ill; women (or teens) in emotional pain; gifted children, other: ___________.
Look over your answers. Do you see a theme? Now write down: I believe my heart’s passion may be _____________.
If you’re not sure, this is OK. As you try out your interests, the Holy Spirit will guide you. Let’s go to quick step 2. It’s truth-telling!
QUICK STEP 2:
Did you know that usually people’s heart’s desire comes from their life experience, especially the difficult ones?
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On a 8 1/2 by 11 paper, turned sideways (also called “landscape”), write My Timeline at the top. Then make 3 long, parallel lines. Divide your current age by 3.
On the lines, you’ll record events (happy and sad and disturbing). The top line is for the first third of your life, the second line for the middle third of your life, and the bottom line for the last third of your life. Got it? Good.
Among the events to record are…
- Birth dates
- Death dates
- HS graduation
- Anniversaries
- Marriages and divorces
- Hospitalizations
- Moves to new locations
- New jobs, lost jobs
- Other important events
Now What?
Once you finish your timeline, prayerfully review it and notice what tugs at your heart. Perhaps you faced a home foreclosure and have a heart’s desire to minister to the homeless. Or, maybe you desire to write a book on fear or to teach Crown financial budgeting principles to others.
Maybe you lived in a blended family and have a heart’s desire to help second and third marriages stay intact. Or possibly you were a victim of a crime and your heart’s desire is to become a first responder, teach self-defense classes, or lead a Bible study in prisons.
Next, look over your timeline. Why not pray over what you discovered. Then, reread your answers to the questions in Step 1.
Finally, write a preliminary statement: my TRUE heart desire may be: _____________.
Chances are, over time you’ll refine your statement. Here’s mine.
Isn’t it amazing that God often uses your story to foster hope in others?
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The Takeaway
When you live your heart’s desire, you help others, avoid burnout, glorify God, and are truly happy.
Do you have questions? Would you like help making your heart’s desire a reality? Then contact me. It’s beautiful to hope.
Counseling Hearts to Hope!
by Lucy | Jun 1, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships
ABUSE and the abuser: Can an abuser change? Keep reading to find out if an abuser stop his abuse. And if so, how? In part 4 of this four-part series on abuse, biblical counselor Jim Newheiser evaluates common statements made about abuse. His article appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission. Read part 1, part 2, and part 3.
ASSERTION: There is nothing you can do to change an abuser.
Are Some Men So Stubborn to Ever Change?
A valid concern: This statement is making the point that there are some men who are so stubbornly sinful that no matter how nice you are to them, they will continue their angry abuse.
It is made to refute the false counsel some women have been given that if they simply could learn to be kinder and quieter, then their violent husbands would stop hurting them. However, Scripture does describe some men as violent, hard-hearted, and refusing to receive correction (Prov. 16:29; 29:1,22).
A man of wrath stirs up strife,
and one given to anger causes much transgression. Proverbs 29:22
The Bible Gives Hope to All, Even to an Abuser
The harm that can be caused: On the other hand some so-called experts have asserted that there is nothing a victim can do by changing her behavior to change the abuser and his behavior.
While I agree that in many cases it is true that changed behavior will have no effect on a wicked, hardened man, the Bible explicitly gives hope that the Lord can use the godly behavior of a victim to soften the heart of a sinful spouse. First Peter 3:1-2 says a disobedient or unsaved husband might be won by his wife’s treating him better than he deserves. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a gentle answer may turn away wrath.
I know that these verses have been misused to wrongly send women back into dangerous situations. But it is also true that God can use the Christ-like behavior of a wife to reach an angry husband. Again, a distinction needs to be made based upon the degree of sinful anger (and the resultant danger), rather than quickly saying that a situation is hopeless and that the woman ought to give up and move on.
If there is any doubt as to whether a woman is in danger, I would encourage church leaders to err on the side of safety by helping her get away (hopefully temporarily). Then work with the husband to gauge true repentance before trying to restore the marriage and bring the couple back together again.
All Sinners Can Be Forgiven
It would be better to say: The gospel gives hope that sinners can be forgiven and transformed
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. Also, those in whose lives God has worked will show signs of true repentance (including patience).
Saul, the murderous persecutor, was transformed into the great apostle of grace. First Corinthians 6:9-11 tells how sinners of every kind have been cleansed and changed by the power of the gospel.
We believe that abusers who had been characterized by the wicked deeds of the flesh can become servants who bear the fruit of the Spirit. Abusers are often masters of manipulation (i.e., worldly sorrow).
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A truly repentant man will hate his sin more than its consequences; he will be more concerned about the rights and safety of others than about his own rights, and he will be patient as those whom he has previously hurt learn to trust him (see 2 Cor. 7:9-11).
(Friend, are you in a controlling, destructive, or difficult marriage? Why not get the help you need? Learn more about confidential, compassionate, effective biblical counseling by Skype or in person.
Contact me today.–Lucy)
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Nov 17, 2016 | biblical counseling, relationships
People who want help need. . . change: heart change for life change. The strangely good news is the problem is clear: sin. What’s less clear to some folks is how biblcial change works. Biblical counselor Julie Ganschow — listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory here — lays out this compassionate and effective change process. This article apppeared first here on Julie’s website and is used with permission.
Most people who come for help are looking for change. In relationship counseling, the individuals are usually looking for the other person to change. Those in individual counseling are often looking for their circumstances or feelings to change, and they don’t know how to make that happen.
In 1 Corinthians 6:9 and Galatians 5:19-21, we find a few ugly lists of issues that are typical as presenting problems in a biblical counseling relationship. (These ,of course, are not the only two places in the Bible we find sinful habits listed).
While you may want to believe that your particular sin is new or unique, the Bible does cover all of the heart level sins known to man. How each of us acts out our sin varies, but honestly, there is no new sin under the sun.
This is excellent news for us sinners! The problem you bring to the table can be totally different, yet the cause of sin is identical.
Battling Besetting Sins
Every one of us can become habituated to one or more kinds of sin. Another way of thinking about habitual sin might be found in an older term, besetting sin.
Our sinful habits are developed when we do something so frequently that it becomes an automatic, comfortable pattern of living.
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It becomes an automatic behavior, such as the woman who habitually overeats chocolate when she is feeling sad or lonely. She may be told by well-meaning people that she has a disease such as Compulsive Overeating. She might be prescribed an anti-depressant and told to attend a self-help group. These responses remove responsibility from her for her actions and steal her hope.
However, identifying these behaviors biblically can give her tremendous hope when she learns that her eating too much or the wrong kinds of food have become habits that can be unlearned. Taking medication will not help a person put off a sinful habit. By employing the process of biblical change, with practice she will change and restructure her life in a manner that glorifies God.
It is important to realize that such habits did not develop overnight, and new habits will not become automatic overnight. Biblical change takes time and practice. It takes time for someone who is habituated to a particular sin to transform and begin consistently to demonstrate new attitudes and actions.
Biblical Process of Change
The key to real and lasting change is found in the biblical process of putting off and putting on found in Ephesians 4:24-26. As you read through the Bible, you will find a number of verses that inform us in one way or another about disciplining ourselves for the purpose of godliness (1 Timothy 4:7, Colossians 4:7, 1 Timothy 6:11).
Part of the process I would recommend is found in 2 Timothy 3:16 which instructs us to teach, rebuke, correct, and train in righteousness.
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. 2 Timothy 3:16
We all need to know more about God and how to bring Him glory by how we live our lives, right? Sit under sound biblical teaching. We must be willing to accept a reproof or a rebuke for our ungodly behavior and attitudes, and then correct them by putting on biblical behavior, and finally, to be trained in the specific righteous behavior we must put on.
The idea of training means to practice it over and over, very much like a gymnast practices the same routine to the point that the moves she makes on the balance beam or the floor are identical time after time. Rather than learning physical moves, we replace the thoughts, beliefs, and desires of our heart that we are currently practicing (Galatians 5:19-20), with those that honor and glorify God (Ephesians 4 and 5, Philippians 2, and Colossians 3).
Biblical Change vs Behaviorism
There are a number of verses in the Scriptures that talk about re-habituation. Hebrews 5:13 and 10:25 are among them. Our goal is not merely change in our behavior, putting off and putting on; we must realize and understand the importance the heart plays in putting off those old behaviors and putting on righteous ones.
Because our behavior comes from our immaterial part, or what the Bible calls the heart, the changes to put off and put on must originate there. The sinful thoughts, beliefs, and desires that bring us into counseling originate in the heart. As the heart is submitting to God’s authority, and the mind is being renewed by the Word of God, new behavior patterns will form. To leave out the critical component of heart change for life change makes the biblical counselor a mere behaviorist, and this type of counsel is certain to fail.
Ephesians 4:24-26 can be misused to become rote behaviorism. This is a danger with some counselors in how they instruct their counselees.
The critical component in this passage is the renewal of the mind. The mind is equal to the heart and must be biblically informed (Romans 12:2) about how to change.
This is why reading and meditating on the Word of God is so critical to this process of biblical change. We must know what the Word of God says about the attitudes and sins of the heart. The new response (putting on) ideally will flow from a heart that now sees our sin as grievous to God.
An Offer for You
Are you looking for change? Do you want to know how to apply God’s timeless truth to your heart and experience life change? May I invite you to leave a comment. If you prefer contact me directly, and we can choose a time for a 15-minute phone consultation for you to ask questions or request prayer. God loves you lavishly, friend. He heals the brokenhearted. –LAM
COUNSELING: Learn more about compassionate biblical counseling by Skype.
FREE eBOOK: Click here to dowload a free counseling resource. Easy, fast.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
