by Lucy | Mar 2, 2017 | biblical counseling, relationships
Leadership at home becomes unbiblical when husbands fail to lead lovingly and wives become angry and even usurp his role. This insightful post by biblical counselor Julie Ganschow, featured in Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, appeared first here and is used with permission.
“He won’t lead!”
This is a common complaint from women in my counseling office. If it is a session where her husband is present, the next words spoken are typically,
“Oh yeah? Well, she wouldn’t follow even if I did!”
The issue of leadership is a frequent issue in biblical counseling situations. If you are a woman who is married to a man who does not lead in your home, you need to understand that he has been conditioned by our culture to be conciliatory, and to not lead his wife and family. There has been little or no instruction or biblical discipleship in his life that would enable him to lead his wife or family.
Men have been taught to be our partners; to be permissive and have the role of a consultant in the home instead of being a leader. They are trained to be sensitive and strong only in opinion. Many have never taken the mantle of God-given leadership seriously. They do not know how and are not at all sure they even want to know how.
Leadership and the Women’s Movement
Over the past 40 years, the feminist movement has emasculated men. The women’s movement and our “liberation” has also created tens of thousands of homes led by women. They are raising sons who will never know the leadership of a man or father, and daughters who will never see or learn what it means to biblically submit to godly male leadership.
I suspect many of you will agree with me, and some will be upset with me for these statements. But please sit back and look at the result of all this “liberation” on our society.
Do you think it is any coincidence that the number single parent homes have skyrocketed? Is it an unhappy chance that more children than ever before are on psychotropic medications (along with their parents)? Is it happenstance that society as a whole is worse off than in the 1950’s? I don’t think so.
While I am certainly not encouraging a return to the Victorian Era, when women were little more than pampered decoration, the consequences of progressive thinking have been terrible for the family and our country as a whole.
Many of the people entering the doors of the church each week come from homes or families under matriarchal rule. Couples have entered into marriage with little training or understanding of the biblical roles of manhood or womanhood. This creates a mess of problems in the marriage — men who won’t lead and women who won’t follow.
Wives Are Angry
The wives are angry. They bear the burdens of managing everything in the home alone. The husband views his only obligation to be that of a co-bread winner. He has a passive interest in disciplining their children and takes little interest in discipling them. He leaves most things to his wife. The husband doesn’t understand that this is not biblical because it is all he knows. She resents his unwillingness to step up and “be a man” and may consider him to be weak and lazy.
The women I have in counseling and discipleship situations have become aware of the biblical model through a women’s Bible study or women’s conference. They observe the marriages around them that do operate biblically. They desire for their husbands to take the leadership role in the marriage and home.
She begins to have expectations for him that he cannot meet because he is not equipped to meet them. By the time she gets to my office she has become frustrated with her husband. She already decided to “encourage” him to take the mantle that is rightfully his and has taken it upon herself to teach him how to lead her.
Books and pamphlets on the subject of leadership and biblical manhood have begun to appear in the home. She wants him to watch videos and attend conferences about marriage and relationships, and is devastated when his interest is minimal. From the husband’s perspective, things have been going along just fine thus far, why does she want to rock the boat?
Wives Begin Leading at Home
Complicating matters is the fact that in his absence of leadership she has stepped handily into the vacuum and has become the leader of the family in the affairs of life and spiritually. She has been the driving energy in the home, making decisions for the home and family with some consultation and input from her husband.
She is the spiritual leader as well, teaching and training the children to honor God. There is a part of a woman that loves the seat of power, and this is part of our curse to bear (Gen. 3), for we want to rule over our husbands.
If this resonates with you then you need to consider if the first problem in this equation is you. Pray and ask God’s help in changing your heart toward submission and leadership. Find a Godly woman in your church who can help you to learn these principles and then begin to build them into your life.
Be aware of the times you respond sinfully to your husband, and confess to him that you have become aware of your usurping his authority in the home and ask his forgiveness. Give him the grace and the space to be the leader.
Stop making decisions and doing his job, and put him back in the place to succeed. This is going to be a process, but with a humble heart and a submissive spirit you will see rapid positive changes.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Jan 26, 2017 | biblical counseling, thoughts
Self-gratificaiton, also called masturbation, is the topic of biblical counselor Julie Ganschow’s all-time favorite posts on her blog, appearing first here and is used with permission. Julie is also listed in Heart2Heart Counselor Directory on my website. (If you are a conselor and would like a listing, let’s talk.) –LAM
This issue has been a long time in coming to the blog. I undertake it with some fear and trepidation because of the sensitivity of the topic in such a public forum. However, because this topic holds such power over so many women I will enter into this arena for your benefit and for the glory of God.
A few things for you to know:
I have counseled many, many women who are struggling with this issue. They have no idea where to turn for information or help. They believe it is sinful and are burdened with guilt and shame. These women fear being discovered. And they fear their secret being uncovered. They are afraid of being judged.
For help we have to go to the Scriptures to see what God’s Word says about the issue. What we will quickly learn is there is no direct reference or prohibition to masturbation in Scripture.
There are certainly direct commands to avoid types of sexual behavior such as adultery (Ex. 20:14), bestiality (Lev. 18:23 , homosexuality (1 Cor. 6:9), fornication (Eph. 5:3), orgies (Rom. 13:13; Gal. 5:21) and the like. But nothing that directly tells a person not to participate in self-gratifying sexual conduct. There is nothing telling a person to do it either.
Now before you think there is a green light to go forward with the behavior, let me clearly state I am not saying that.
My task is to present what the Word of God says about this topic, and I must be true to the text. So, I cannot say the Bible says something that it does not say. Inded, what is required is that we look further at what Scripture says about sexual immorality to determine if despite masturbation not being specifically mentioned, it is included in some other aspect of that group of sins.
Self-Gratification and Porn
Most people who engage in this practice achieve a state of arousal by viewing or reading pornography. This is either hard-core or suggestive enough to bring arousal to the forefront of the mind. Because the mind is so effective at storing information, many times a person can recall something they viewed or read previously to meditate or play over in their thoughts at any time.
I think we all would agree that the consumption of pornography of any kind is sinful. It is at the least voyeurism and at the most adultery. Pornography both creates and feeds sinful lusts in the flesh, something Scripture commands us to abandon.
For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 1 Peter 4:3
Debauchery (extreme indulgence in immorality) will be the inevitable result of pornography. While many claim to be able to “moderate” with pornography, statistically people gravitate toward more and more forbidden behaviors as they view it. This in my opinion is one evidence that our flesh grows more corrupt (Eph. 4:22) the more it is fed.
Secondly, Scripture is also clear on our obligation to put to death the desires of the flesh.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality (pornea- unlawful lust), impurity (physical or moral uncleanliness), lust (suffering a passionate lust), evil desires (a longing for forbidden desire) and greed (covetous practices), which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5
More Questions About Self-Gratification
Is it immoral?
The question before us then is, is masturbation a form of sexual immorality? Based on the above Scripture, I would say it is. Self-sexual stimulation stirs up an unlawful lust and leads to forbidden desires and passions that cannot be righteously satisfied.
It becomes idolatry when satisfying those desires is more important than glorifying God.
What about widows and divorced women?
A common complaint from women is with respect to what to do with “illegitimate” arousal. This is arousal that is a result of prior sexual contact and having that person or practice removed from your life. This can take place in the life of a widow, a divorced woman, one who is no longer living with a man, or someone who wants to break free from the old habits of self-gratification.
Those desires are still there and are used to being satisfied. In the case of a widow or divorcee sexual satisfaction was a part of normal life, and is now history.
I believe the admonition to put to death the desires of the flesh applies to all forms of desire that cannot be righteously satisfied within the bounds of a marital relationship. Widows are encouraged to remarry rather than burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:8-9). I believe that women who are divorced having been abandoned or who have been given clearance by their churches to remarry in the Lord would also fall into that category.
As for the rest, Scripture commands them to put to death the desires of the flesh.
What’s the godly way to handle self-gratification?
If we are commanded to put something to death, that sounds very final to me. And to put it to death means to snuff the life out of it, to kill it off, to cut off the flow of its life blood. In the case of sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires that would mean to stop doing anything that keeps those things alive. Those who struggle with any kind of sexual immorality have to evaluate their daily activities to determine what must be put to death to keep them from entering into sexual immorality.
For each person the trap is different, so I won’t list them. The origin of it all is the same for this sin as for any other: the heart. (You can check out these links here.)
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Sep 4, 2016 | biblical counseling
You can become the excellent woman of God.
Sound impossible? The word excellent seems lofty, like pinning a star in the sky.
But the bible says the excellent woman is mighty, strong, and virtuous. She is no wimp!
She smiles at the future. The latest fashion? Not her thing. Rather, the excellent woman attends to her inner self and has a reverential awe of God. For a description of her, read this.
Are you living in a way that displays your love for God and for others?
Or have the life’s troubles gotten in the way? Are they pulling you down? Are you trying and trying and trying but failing? Are you weary?
God Knows Your Needs
God cares for every woman.
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Mary of Bethany sat at the feet of Jesus, a student before her teacher Jesus. A thinking woman, this Mary had sass. Sure, she skipped out on helping her hospitality-gifted sister, Martha. But when Martha complained to Jesus–
‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’
–did he send her to the kitchen? No. He said she “has chosen what is better.”
Mary reminds me of a former counselee, also an excellent woman! Head down, shoulders slumped, she described her exhaustion and depression to me while balling tissues. After listening, I asked her, “Do you want to get well?”
Click & Tweet!
“Yes,” she replied.
“It’s going to require you to complete assignments.”
“Anything!” she insisted, her eyes sparkling with hope.
Counseling the Word
Do you also want to become an excellent woman who possesses these qualities?
- Secure in Christ
- Confident in Christ
- At peace with Christ
Who wouldn’t? Almost every counselee I’ve known desires godly families and friendships, a close walk with her Creator, and freedom from the junk: bad finances, addictions, sadness, fear, anxiety, loneliness.
The counsel of the Word makes all the difference.
While pastors preach the Word (i.e., sermons), only some counsel the Word to hurting people in their congregation. Often pastors refer their hurting people to mental health professionals who counsel by psychology. Psychology focuses on getting your “needs” met or your “love cup” filled, among other things. Its founder, Sigmund Freud, was an atheist who founded a secular, godless philosophy.
In contrast, counseling the Word is biblical counseling!
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It is motivated by love and saturated with the timeless truth of scripture. It is a process where believers encourage, instruct, comfort, and correct other believers with the goal of growth in their love for God and their neighbor–for God’s glory.
Some believers, like myself and and women listed in the Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, have sought formal training in biblical counseling and counsel others in person and by Skype. It’s our calling.
Scripture Is the Cornerstone
Would you like to know how biblical counseling helps you become an excellent woman? When I first meet with a counselee, I usually share 2 Timothy 3:16-17:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man [and woman] of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
At later sessions, I hear her story, reveal the role of the heart in spiritual health, help her identify the root cause of her problem, and design an action plan. God himself helps you reach the goal of overcoming sin and living a life of loving Him and others.
Would you like to be an excellent woman thoroughly equipped for every good work? May I invite you to contact me? On staff of Biblical Counseling Center, I counsel hope to the heart of the hurting.
SPECIAL: I’d love to send you a FREE guide called “You Are Beautiful.” To get your guide, click HERE. Please put “I Want Wholeness” in the subject line.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Aug 25, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions |
Does joyful mean “REJOICE ALWAYS”?
I bumped into this two-word Scripture just before life spun like a Tilt-o-Whirl. The command to “rejoice always” looked so good on the pages of my Bible that I selected it as a memory verse to lift me up.
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, ESV
Then the school year began and my rejoicing withered.
My basketball girl headed north for her first second of college, excited, and my eyes leaked. The eldest just found a few gray hairs and says she feels old. . .in her mid-twenties. My boy-man doesn’t like school and has told me so, over and over and over. I felt tempted to pop an Advil and stave a headache.
Does God really expect any of us to be joyful always? Always is a big word, wouldn’t you agree? What is an obstacle to your joy?
There are hurricanes and identity theft, AIDS and divorce, school shootings, Internet porn and battered women, meth labs, sex trafficking. . .
and the Bible says, “Rejoice always”? To be joyful. . .always?
An Impossible Command?
Was Paul philosophizing the impossible when he wrote these two words under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit?
Then I pondered the words that followed, and as my thoughts began to line up with God’s thoughts, my anxiety diminished
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. What helps your anxiety turn-around?
“Pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Think about it. When you and I choose to pray through my day, then we’re talking with and listening to God, right? And God knows us best and wants the very best for us. He wants you to be joyful in him.
By reminding myself of what God says in Scripture, I know I’m his daughter, beautiful and cherished. You and I don’t need to earn his love. He gives his love to us freely. This is grace. A gift, unmerited.
Pray, Thank, Know
And as I give thanks to God in all circumstances–not for them–I recognize that he is completely in control. Nothing takes him by surprise.
Thus, I can rejoice always. Cultivating a thankful heart matter and knowing he’s good and in control allows me to rejoice always. This really is God’s will (i.e., his plan, his purpose) for me.
My joy has little to do with my circumstances and everything to do with two choices: how I view God and myself.
Joyful Choice #1
Many, many years ago I thought God was out to get me, and I feared him in a bad way. This admission sounds horrible. How could I think such a thing? But like many women, I had someone in my childhood who should have protected me but didn’t.
Worse, his neglect exposed me to a painful situation. At a young age I wrongly thought, “If they say they love me but hurt me, God will hurt me too.”
As an adult, God cleared my eyes as I read my Bible day after day. My choice: to stubbornly hold tight to my twisted god or to agree with the one true God that he is absolutely nothing like the lie I believed.
Joyful Choice #2
Ugly to the core – this was how I summed me up. I saw myself as a crumpled up paper that belonged in a trash can. Do you relate? Do you know someone who does?
Beautifully, God says that you, me and everyone is wonderfully made with the deepest respect by him, the Creator. As God spotlighted another lie I believed, he gave me the strength to hold it up to the light of Scripture. My choice: to believe God is a liar and I really am trash or to agree with him that I am beautiful in Christ. I can be joyful.
With humility and awe, I attest that God says I am beautiful in him! You are too!
This is joy:
to know the one who made you completely loves you, wherever you’ve been, whatever is happening in your life now.
You don’t have to do anything to win his approval. You only need to accept the gift that Jesus bought for you. This gift is the truth that you are who God says who are: blessed, forgiven, complete and. . .beautiful.
by Lucy | May 12, 2010 | biblical counseling
Mary DeMuth, a bestselling author and international speaker, courageously shared healing words of redemption after childhood sexual abuse on my BlogTalkRadio show, and the women in the chat room went wild.
Not uncontrolled wild.
But ohmyGodsomeoneelsegetsit and I feel understood thankyouJesus kind of wild.
A sweet release. Unshackled.
Wildly in love with Jesus.
If you or someone you know has been sexually abused — okay, okay, that pretty much includes every one since one-in-three women fit this descriptor — please do 3 things:
First, get your hands on Thin Places, Mary’s moving spiritual memoir of God’s touch on her life. . .even at age 5. . .when several teenage boys took their turns with her on a bunk bed in the bedroom while
a mom baked cookies.
Please, someone give me a rock to throw, a pillow to punch, a butt to kick.
I am angry.
Second, if you’ve been abused, tell someone your secret. Shining light in the darkness brings healing. One safe place to tell your secret is Mary’s blog My Family Secrets. You can post anonymously. You may also send me an email. Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com. I keep confidences.
Third, listen to a replay of Tuesday’s BlogTalkRadio show featuring Mary. 🙂
A beautiful warrior — like Mary, like you — seeks healing.
You Are Precious!
