When You Learn to Think Well …

When You Learn to Think Well …

All of us talk nonstop in our heads, but few of us think well. Our nonstop thoughts are typically negative or downright nasty.

  • “You’re so stupid.”
  • “I just cannot take one more sleepless night.”
  • “Things are never going to change. I’m stuck.”
  • “No one loves me.”

Thoughts are powerful, aren’t they? What we think directly affects our emotions and actions. Consider this Scripture on thought-power: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7, NLT).

It is wise, then, that we become aware of what we think, and root out the lies we believe and replace them with the truth that sets us free. When we think well, our emotions and actions will line up with God’s Word, and we will become increasingly free of anxiety, worry, anger, despair, and enslavement to everything from pizza and Chardonnay to social media and erotica.

What we believe on, we will inevitably act on.

What is “thinking well”?

To think well you need to continually believe God’s truth. “Continual,” a present participle in the Greek, basically means, now that you believe Christ for your salvation, keep on continually believing Him all day, every day. “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him” (Col. 2:6, ESV).

When you continually believe God, you are thinking well, and your emotions and actions fall in line.

Continual belief is a faith walk. It’s not easy. Consider folks in the Bible who harbored the sin of unbelief; that is, rejecting what God says is true. Among them:

Abraham. He lied. He passed Sarah off as his sister to protect himself against Egypt’s pharaoh. Moses. He murdered. David. He bedded another man’s wife. Yes, adultery. Naomi. She pity-partied. And Eve. She and her husband ate the forbidden fruit and. You know the rest of the story.

CHALLENGE: Imagine how your emotions would soar if you continually believed God and grasped how to think well. Do you want a huge drop in fear or anger or depression or addiction? 

But how do you “think well”?

To think well is to choose thoughts that agree with God’s truth and that result with in action steps. Here are the four parts:

  1. Clue in to your current emotions.
  2. Watch what actions follow these emotions.
  3. Begin to identify the lies you believe.
  4. Replace the lies with God’s truth.

And, lastly, take a specific action step that aligns your life with the God’s truth. As we overcome the toxic, ungodly thinking that distort our emotions, we’ll discover the contentment in Christ. Who doesn’t desire that?! 

If you would like a FREE Think Well chart to help you get stop negative thinking, send me a contact message and mention the chart.

Question: What is one thing that you will do to think well?

How to Smash Strongholds in Your Mind

How to Smash Strongholds in Your Mind

How should we destroy strongholds?

lucy-signature-blue
Think About Your Thoughts

Think About Your Thoughts

Jennifer asked me how to change her thoughts. She had spiraled deep into discouragement and wanted to feel like her old self: upbeat, positive, happy. “This isn’t me,” she shared. “I keep thinking negatively about everything over and over and over. I don’t know how to stop.”

In this article, you learn three new ways to think about your thoughts and learn how to stop life-sapping thinking:

  1. Ask yourself if your thoughts glorify God.
  2. Change the thoughts he wants you to change
  3. Take every thought captive.

1. Ask Yourself an Important Question

What you say to yourself matters. What you think becomes who you are. You want to think well, don’t you? Then you need to ask if your thoughts glorify God.

Words kill, words give life;

they’re either poison or fruit–

you choose. Prov. 18:21

A helpful place to begin is writing down your thoughts in a small, spiral notebook that’s easy to carry with you. When a negative thought pops up, write it down and note what was happening around the time of the thought. Do this for about three days. Don’t concern yourself with changing your thoughts at first. The point is to become aware of them.

You may become aware of thoughts you didn’t even know you were thinking!

Do you say one of these uglies to yourself?

Very often women silently tell themselves things like:

  • I’m such an idiot.
  • No one likes me.
  • I’m ugly.
  • I can’t do anything right.

Did you have any of these thoughts?

Practical help: Review your list of thoughts. Which are the most common ones? When did you tend to have them? Are they glorifying to God? Jennifer had most of her automatic, negative thoughts in the morning before she got out of bed and asked God to show them to her. She wrote out Psalm 139:1-2:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,

and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Psalm 139:23-24 

Like Jennifer, you can ask yourself whether your thoughts are glorifying to God.

2. Change Your Thoughts

Which thoughts is God nudging you to change? Not sure? You could measure your thoughts by the instruction of Philippians 4:8.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Jennifer noted that one of her recurring thoughts was, “I’m never going to get better.” This thought is in opposition to “whatever is true.” As a Christian, Jennifer is promised by God to become more and more like Jesus Christ, who says “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10b). This process is called “progressive sanctification.”

When she told herself this life-killing lie, her discouragement worsened. Has this happened to you too? Sadly, negative thinking begets negative emotions. Conversely, says Brian S. Borgman in Feelings and Faith, “Right thinking about God produces and cultivates godly emotions such as peace, joy confidence, and hope.”

You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3)

Practical step: Measure your thoughts against Phil. 4:8 and ask God which one you need to change.

3. Take Every Thought Captive

God wants you to walk in the truth. You Enemy has a game plan to get you to believe lies — lies about yourself, about your circumstances, and about the Gospel.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

To take every thought captive to obey Christ, you need to replace the lies with the truth. Go through the list of thoughts you wrote down. For each one that is not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, or commendable, find a Bible verse that replaces the lie with the truth. Jot down the Bible verses you’ve found on index cards or sticky notes.

Yes, it is work to find life-giving Bible verses and write them on card or notes but well worth it. Do you think that looking up verses isn’t worth the effort? Do you have other obstacles? What are they? Why not discuss them with a trusted Christian friend?

2 examples to get you get you started.

Life-sapping thought: God doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care.

Life-giving truth:For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8

Life-sapping thought: Life must go well for me. If it doesn’t, this proves I’m a worthless loser.

Life-giving truth:Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13.

Practical help: Each time your have a negative, life-sapping thought, read the index card or sticky note you made with the life-giving truth. As you repeat this process of taking every thought captive to obey Christ, you will discover that the negative thoughts diminish in frequency and power.

This was Jennifer’s discovery. As she read John 10:10 each time she thought “I’m never going to get better,” she noticed that she thought it less often and she experienced hope and joy. She’s applying the same process to other life-sapping thoughts she has. Her discouragement if lifting. She’s beginning to feel like her old self.

And it all began with thinking about her thoughts. Do you want to replace your negative thoughts too? May I invite you to contact me? We can set up a time to talk on the phone for a free 15-minute consult. I also have a downloadable ebook you make like — “Transform Your Thoughts Journal.”

Married to a Passive Husband? (part 1)

Married to a Passive Husband? (part 1)

Married to a passive husband? We’ve all heard of the “perfect” husband. He’s attentive and understanding, a lover of the home. And you’ve also read sick stories of wife beaters and serial adulterers. Disgusting!

But what if your guy falls has simply “checked out”? Life with him isn’t horrible but it’s lonely. What’s a wife to do? Let’s first see if he fits the definition of a passive husband.

This article, which appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Coalition, has been updated and edited for length. It is the first part of a two-part series on counseling the wife of a passive husband.-LAM

Passive husband, defined

A passive Christian husband fails to lovingly lead his wife in the marriage. He may play video games into the night. He may stay late at work, or the bar, or the country club. Or he may be “just a roommate” who’s physically present but emotionally absent.

For one reason or another he has checked out.

The Oxford Dictionary defines passive as “accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance.” Another description of a passive husband is one who refuses to lead his wife, spiritually or otherwise.

The opposite of a passive husband is one who fulfills his responsibility of leadership. Stuart Scott writes in The Exemplary Husband,

“The husband’s leadership is a mandate from God, as such is a privilege and responsibility.”

The foundational biblical mandate to husbands on active leadership is Ephesians 5:25-27. Also, God commands a husband to faithfully, rightly, and actively lead his wife in a manner that shows him to be “above reproach” (1 Timothy 3:2).

So the wife takes the initiative

Rarely does a passive husband seek counseling first. Remember, he’s passive. Usually the wife calls for an appointment to handle her feelings of anger, discontent, and fear.

Typically she has prayed for him to change and to act like an Ephesians 5 man. Perhaps she has also thrown this scripture in his face or nagged. But what she learns in counseling is to think biblically about her circumstance.

Interestingly and contrary to what some people think, a wife of a passive husband does not always nag or dominate her husband. Sometimes she chooses a godly response of maintaining a quiet spirit and trusting God. (You’ll see a sketch of this woman in a moment.)

The truth is, when a passive husband fails to lead his wife in the marriage, the wife may respond to him sinfully or rightly (or both). Either way, she is hurting and needs counsel in order to choose thoughts, words, and actions that are Christ-honoring.

2 pictures of a passive husband

These sketches, based on a compilation of actual cases of Christian couples, underscore the need to counsel in the heart of Proverbs 18:13 with the wisdom of 2 Timothy 3:16-17.

In the first sketch the wife quickly admitted she often complained and held bitterness toward her husband, whom she blamed for her problems. In the second sketch, the wife wanted counseling to learn to help her son deal with his anger.

Domineering Debra

This 40-year-old stay-at-home mom had legitimate suffering. When her husband became upset with her or their children, ages 6 to 15, he often stomped out of their home in response to her nagging — she admitted she did this — and stayed at his parents’ place for days at a time.

In retaliation, it seems, he also removed her name from a bank account, which prevented her from using a debit card to buy groceries and other items from stores. Instead, he gave her envelopes of cash. Some may charge that he was financially abusive. What do you think?

However, Debra came alone to counseling. In the office, she quick to point out his mistakes and slow to admit her own wrongdoing in the marriage or examine her own choices (2 Cor. 13:5).

Her heart’s cry: I am a victim. He is wrong to withdraw from me and the marriage. He needs to change.S

Submissive Susie

Though her husband “checks out” by spending hours in their garage after work rather than in the home with her and their two children, Susie did not nag him or complain. Rather, she consistently displayed a quiet hope in Christ.

Data gathering revealed that her husband commonly drank six to eight cans of beer nightly but was able to hold down a job that paid their bills. He admitted his need to lay off the booze and engage the family. He also acknowledged that his failure to do so may be part of the reason their preteen son was becoming increasingly belligerent, the reason for the counseling appointment.

Susie respectfully agreed, admitting that she formerly nagged her husband to join family dinners. Now she left it up to him, praying continually for him and asking God to help her maintain a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Pet. 3:4).

Her heart’s cry: I hate my husband’s passivity, but I am hoping in the Lord. God will be a husband to me and a father to my children while I wait on Him.

Husband leads, wife submits

As Scripture directs a husband to lead his wife, it also informs the wife to submit to her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). Yet the culture in general and feminists in particular push back against biblical submission, providing objections such as, “Is the woman just supposed to let her husband walk all over her?” But Scripture does not espouse “doormat theology,” or total submission (as in the case where a husband asks his wife to sin).

A submissive wife acknowledges she has a different God-given role than her husband. In fact, “male domination is a personal failure, not [b]iblical doctrine,” Martha Peace writes in The Excellent Wife.

The fall brought strain between the sexes. Specifically, Genesis 3:16 decrees, “To the woman [God] said, ‘I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.’”

Some commentators assert that “desire,” as used here, means the wife would suffer conflict with her husband or domination by her husband. But other commentators like Ed Welch say this interpretation of the passage is lacking.

In fact, he expresses concern that it might embolden counselors to make hasty decisions concerning the woman before they understand her. He says counselors (or pastors) “would begin with a theory—women are prone to a quest for power and control—and then we would find evidence for our theory, whether it is there or not.”

In Part Two, we will consider how a counselor might best counsel the wife of a passive husband, relying heavily on 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Ephesians 5:22-32, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and passages dealing with anger, self-pity, fear, loneliness, and hope.

Questions for Reflection

How do you provide effective counseling when only the wife seeks counseling? How do you encourage the submissive wife whose husband has passively retreated from the marriage?

COUNSELING: Considering counseling by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom? Set up an appointment or contact me with your questions?

New Tool: MINI Thought Journal!

New Tool: MINI Thought Journal!

The new “Transform Your Thoughts e-Journal” is a simple, effective, and biblical way of journaling your thoughts. As you change your thoughts, you’ll also change your heart and even experience a tranquil life. Get the downloadable here.

In this article, I’ll introduce you to part of the thought journal I developed for my counselees.

Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2a, NLT

Wonderfully, the Transform Your Thoughts e-Journal shows you how to replace life-sapping thoughts with uplifting, God-honoring thoughts. And as the Holy Spirit transforms your thoughts, four things happen. You’ll–:

  1. Become aware of life-sapping, ungodly thoughts.
  2. See a connection among your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
  3. Exchange uplifting, God-honoring thoughts for ungodly thoughts.
  4. Have better emotions and actions.

Your Thoughts Reveal Your Heart

Know these two truths:

  • Your thoughts flow from your heart, which is the seat of your deepest desires.
  • A healthy heart is Christ-centered; an unhealthy heart is me-centered.

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7, NKJV

Indeed, your thoughts become part of your beliefs. And your beliefs remain until new thoughts challenge them. Then new beliefs elbow out the old ones. Thought transformation is NOT behavior modification; it is renewal of your core BELIEF system.

How to Use the Journal

First, describe a difficult circumstance. Then ask, what was going on? Here is an example.

“My husband and I have argued a lot ever since our teen began using marijuana.”

Next, write your thoughts, emotions, and resulting actions. You may think your emotions come first. Actually, thoughts do. Then emotions and actions follow thoughts.

Your journal might look like this:

LIFE-SAPPING THOUGHTS EMOTIONS ACTIONS
“I’m a horrible mother.” Anger, fear, sadness Yelled at teen. Took away her phone. Cried.

Now select a real circumstance from your own life and try it yourself. You’ll benefit the most when you actually do the work of thought journaling. Reading about it isn’t enough. Rather, you need to do it.

Turn Your Thoughts Around 

Let’s start with the “I’m a horrible mother” thought. First, begin with a question: Ask if your thought is true. Is it a fact that you are a horrible mother? Chances are, you are a loving, stressed-out mom who feels scared, angry, and overwhelmed, searching for solutions to help your teen.

Now replace the life-sapping lie “I’m a horrible mother” with an uplifting biblical truth such as, “Even though my daughter’s choice to do drugs upsets me, God promises that he is with me, guides me, and comforts me. He is trustworthy.”

Begin your new thought with something like, “Even though _________________,

God promises __________________________________________.

New emotions and actions replace your old emotions and actions.

Here’s what it looks like:

NEW THOUGHTS NEW EMOTIONS NEW ACTIONS
Even though my teen has made poor choices, God promises to give us wisdom when we ask for it and to be with my family and me. Peace, hope With your spouse, pray and ask God for wisdom.

Thank God.

Smile

Transforming your thoughts is absolutely necessary to live the Christian life!

If you’d like one-to-one help with transforming your thoughts and experiencing a tranquil life, consider setting up a complimentary phone consultation with me to talk about receiving biblical counseling by Skype or FaceTime or Zoom.

Counseling hearts to hope,

lucy-signature-blue

 

 

Find GOD's Freedom from Anxiety

 Get My FREE Anxiety Helper Pack!

Choice is a wonderful gift from God. You do NOT have to be stuck in self-focused anxiety. You can find God’s freedom.

You have Successfully Subscribed!