by Lucy | Mar 26, 2011 | biblical counseling |
Grief does strange things to us Christian women. Sometimes we — I mean yours truly — find comfort in a cat.
Weird but true: I love my cat, Sneakers, like a brother. He (the cat, not my brother, Ted) was born in the backseat of Ted’s red convertible MG to a mama named Smoke.
Just seven little weeks old, he padded toward me and said, “Take me home.”
OK. He didn’t talk. He spoke with his eyes.And danced a figure 8 through my legs and around my ankles.
I fell in love.
Snuggling the orange ball of fur, I carried the little guy to my car and headed west, waving good-bye to my brother and knowing the pain of our past. A past that makes it hard for Ted to trust. I was there. I get it.
Sneakers is now 12 years old and still looks at me with big golden eyes that ask, “Do you love me?”
Yes, Ted, I love you. I always have and always will. Life has hurt you. People have trampled your trust. You can trust me. You can trust God. Will you?
Many years ago, in making sense of our troubled childhood, I had a choice. To keep relying on myself or to depend on God and to believe him.
He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away.
My heart will choose to say:
Lord, blessed be your name.
Listen to the YouTube video with Matt Redman.
I wonder what I’ll do when Sneakers dies. He’s getting old for a cat. I imagine I’ll mourn his loss and Ted’s. You see, now I have my Ted stand-in. This gives me comfort. I thank Ted and God for giving him to me, but one day he’ll go wherever God’s kitties go. Will my heart choose to say, “Lord, blessed be your name” when he takes Sneaker my brother away?
Heavenly Father, you know pain and suffering. You know about kids who were deeply hurt. I pray you give Ted the blessing of knowing you. He’s lost. He covers his confusion. Open wide the door for me to speak life to him. If not me, send someone else. I love him so. Amen.
Q4U: Are you in a season of grief? How does a cat or dog (hamster or bird) comfort you? Comments are well-appreciated.
by Lucy | Nov 4, 2010 | biblical counseling |
The morning began like any other. A shower, a bagel, a cup of tea. Death was near. I just didn’t know it. . .yet.
“Time to get up, Sweetie,” I told Laura. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Do you want to wear your purple sweater to preschool? It’s very cold outside.”
“OK, Mommy. Could I have toast for breakfast?”
“Sure.” I padded to the kitchen and grabbed the Butternut.
Steve called from the bathroom. “We need more shaving cream.”
Then the phone rang. A phone call now? Strange.
No one calls this early.
I answered and heard a woman’s voice, all business. Her words made no sense. My mom? Dead? Looks like a heart attack? “Is this some kind of sick joke?” I blurted.
The woman repeated the horrible words I didn’t want to believe. I dropped the phone and fell to my knees. Tears rushed like a stream.
Fast forward two weeks.
Life seemed normal again after the funeral. I was back at work. Steve too. Laura asked fewer questions about Grandma Carol. But life was crazy on the inside. Crazy-bad. I knew I was grieving. I just never knew it could be this bad. I sped from denial to anger and flat-out asked God, “Why did you kill my best friend? Didn’t you know I needed her?”
You may think my questions were irreverent.
Maybe they were.
I don’t know.
I only knew that I hurt deeply and that my God is sovereign. He picked the hour of her death. He was responsible. I didn’t like him very much right then.
Fast forward a few months.
It was Mother’s Day and tough to be in church. The ushers handed out roses. I gave mine to Laura. Sadness covered me like a wet, wool coat. Beyond uncomfortable. I wanted out. My days were dark. My nights darker.
Fast forward a few more months.
I visited my mom’s gravesite and traced the words on the polished stoned with my finger, slowly: Carol Gale Kuper ~ November 7, 1931 – January 10, 1994 ~ Through Death Into Life. And I cried. Again. Yet something was different. I was different.
You see, on this day, as I touched the stone, I made the decision to hope, to live again. I no longer allowed sadness and anger to rule my thoughts and feelings. I put them in the safe hands of God, the same God whom I accused of killing my mom, my best friend. He didn’t kill her, he called her home to heaven. He’s not always likeable.
But he loves. . .
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
Death is a terrible thing. It hurts.
Has death come near to you? Whether you’ve lost a mom, a baby or someone dear to you, please, please be kind to yourself. It’s OK to grieve. Open up to a caring person when you feel the need to talk. Listen to music that soothes your soul. Look at photos. Remember happy times. Remember sad times. Talk to God about deep things.
When meaningful dates approach — like Thanksgiving, which is why I posted this today; we always shared Thanksgiving at my mom’s — expect your emotions to fly any which way. You may be sad for no apparent reason, or you may be quick to yell. Don’t be hard on yourself.
God understands.
I’d like to share a couple of resources with you. If you know someone who’s greiving pass them on. Just hit the forward or email button to send your friend this post.
Two books:
A Friend in the Storm by Cheryl Ricker. This gift book warms the heart with poetry, scripture and quotes.
God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting by Bob Kellemen. Like me he’s a biblical counselor as well as a professor, pastor, and a licensed professional counselor. This book tenderly walks the reader through the grieving.
If you’d like personal help, I want to let you know I offer biblical counseling to women. Check out the counseling page at my website or send me an email. My email addy is Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com.
You Are Beautiful!
by Lucy | Aug 12, 2010 | biblical counseling
We each endure days, weeks, months, even years when nothing seems to go right.
My friend Sweetie told me of a crazy day — and I may get my details messed up (sorry, Sweets) — when the clothes washer overflowed her kitchen with bubbles on. . . her wedding day. I giggled as she divulged the details.
Attitude is everything, isn’t it?
A couple decades ago, I’d grumble grumble grumble if my car’s radio had static. In July when the family zipped north for fun in the sun — and my 11-year-old minivan’s A/C blew hot air — I put my hair in a pony, grabbed a cool water bottle and finished my Jodi Picoult novel.
But bubbles on a wedding day and hot air on vacation are NOTHING compared to what some of you are facing today: grief, a messy marriage, teens in trouble, bankruptcy, job loss, poor health. What do you need?
A bible verse? Probably not.
A chicken casserole? Nah.
An “it’ll be okay” sentiment. Nope.
You need what Jesus needed. Someone to listen, to encourage. He turned to his Father. We can too, of course. But would you also like a friend who listens or is willing to sit with you and say nothing?
Several years ago I finished my Pastoral Care to Women studies at Western Seminary, Portland, Ore. Now I’m getting workshops ready for women’s ministries at small- and medium-sized churches to help them help the women in their congregations and communities. Women like me. Women like you. Women whose lives are less than perfect.
Want to know more about my workshops or my e-counseling? Email me at Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com or stop by my website.
You Are Precious!
by Lucy | Jul 22, 2010 | biblical counseling
Bob Kellemen is a like-minded friend. We’re both biblical counselors, though he has many more letters after his name than I do, and we follow a call to help folks find hope and healing. His latest book is God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting. It is sponsored by GriefShare, a Christ-centered ministry with support groups worldwide.
Easy to read, practical and uplifting, this slim volume promises hope. It debunks the psychological model of Swiss-born psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who popularized a five-stage model of grieving based upon her research into how terminally ill persons respond to the news of their terminal illness. Her five stages have since been used worldwide to describe all grief responses: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
In his book, Bob says these “proposed stages in the grief process seek to track typical grief responses. However, they do not attempt to assess if this is what is best to occur. Nor could they assess, simply through scientific research, whether these responses correspond to God’s process for hurting (grieving) and hoping (growing). We must understand something about research in a fallen world. At best, it describes what typically occurs. It cannot, with assurance and authority, prescribe what should occur.”
He shares the Bible’s answer to moving through the grief process.
“Readers are gravely disappointed when the answers to their questions about suffering reflect more of the wisdom of the world than of the truth of God’s Word,” he says. “Christians long for an approach that faces suffering honestly and engages sufferers passionately—all in the context of presenting truth biblically and relevantly. We need to be able to face life’s losses in the context of God’s healing.
“Jesus did.”
God’s Healing for Life’s Losses includes questions for discussions and for journaling. It’s valuable wisdom and encouragement for women or men who suffer any life loss, including divorce, church conflict, the empty nest, death of a loved one.
To read a sample chapter or to purchase, click here.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
You Are Valuable!
by Lucy | Jun 7, 2010 | biblical counseling
Alice Wisler combines two passions: writing novels and helping grieving moms. Like her.
She is my special guest on The Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors Blog Talk Radio show on Tuesday, June 8, at 1 p.m. Central. Join us live or listen to the archive later in the day.
At age 4, her son Daniel died of complications related to the cancer he bravely fought for eight long months. A staph infection invaded his little body, and he couldn’t fight it off, for the chemo and radiation had compromised his immune system.
Had he lived, Daniel would have graduated from high school this week.
“The first year after a death of a child is like having the worse noise possible running through your head each day and night. There is no way to turn the horrendous sounds off because there is no off button,” Alice shared in one of her writings.
“I wrote through that noise. I wrote from the heavy bag of emotions bereaved parents must carry–anger, guilt, sorrow and confusion, all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘how comes’ and ‘whys.’
“I wrote of longing for a blond-haired boy with blue eyes whose laughter brightened hospital rooms. A quiet spot under weeping willows at a local park is where I carried my pen, journal and pain. As I wrote over the course of many months, I was, although I didn’t realize it at the time, providing therapy for myself.
“Some days when the weather did not permit a trip to the park and my body and mind harbored excruciating pain, I shut myself in a room, away from my other children and husband. I’d grab my journal and let the experiences of the day and my feelings freely emerge onto each white page. Grammar didn’t matter, penmanship went out the window. These aren’t a concern when you are writing to survive.
“Writing the heartache, complete and honest, is a way of healing. Our cry is, “Help me with this pain!” We find ourselves lamenting as King David did in Psalm 13:2, ‘How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?’ David wrote many of his psalms starting with anger and agony and gradually, ending with hope.”
Starting with anger and agony and gradually, ending with
hope.
If you’ve lost a child, you understand. If you’ve lost a sibling, a parent, a friend, you understand.
But I think there’s something extra crazy about losing a little one. We moms are supposed to outlive our kids, right?
In a perfect world, yes.
We live in a fallen world. Knowing this fails to lessen the pain. Finding hope in spite of the mess is the core of my work as a biblical counselor, speaker, author and radio show host.
On Alice’s website, you will not only find her three novels – Rain Song, How Sweet It Is and Hatteras Girl (the first two are Christy award finalists, the third comes out in October) – but also her wonderful Write the Heartache blog and her Write the Heartache Workshops.
The also began Daniel Publications and has written two cookbooks with recipes from grieving moms. She offers remembrance cards too. Please join us.
You Are Loved,
