by Lucy | Sep 14, 2010 | biblical counseling |
When I turned 8, my parents divorced and I felt hurt and confused and mad. You wouldn’t have seen my anger. I stuffed it inside. I even blamed myself for my parents’ breakup.
But I was just a kid.
A lonely kid.
One day I decided I could control the situation and get them remarried. I wanted them back together. So I did what made the most sense at the time.
I hunted for four-leaf clovers.
Pretzeled on the grass in my front yard, I scrutinized clover after clover after clover after clover. At least a hundred. No luck.
So I began faking it, holding a three-leaf clover with a one-leaf clover to make four. But I knew it wasn’t the real thing and whatever I wished would not come true.
Then I found it. I bonafide four-leaf clover.
I couldn’t believe it.
I plucked that four-leaf clover, held in my hands like a treasure and counted the leaves over and over and over to prove myself right.
I made my wish.
I wished that my parent would get married again and we’d be together — mom, dad, my brother and me. I wanted control. Four-leaf clover control.
You want to hear the amazing thing: My little girl wish came true.
Within a few months my parents remarried.
I controlled their happiness and mine or so I thought. They still yelled and pouted and forgot about me. They didn’t mean to forget my brother and me. They were wrapped up in their own pain.
I get that now. Back then I felt rejected. I may have gotten my wish and even felt a sense of control, but I wasn’t in control and not until many, many years later did I give up the illusion that I was in charge.
I’m not. You’re not. But God is. And I’m better than OK with that because ultimately He alone is the one in control of my life, your life, the whole world.
Control issues still rear up once in awhile. I disappear in my hurt but gone is the illusion of control.
Question: Do you relate? Have you tried to control an outcome to avoid the pain?
You Are Beautiful!
by Lucy | Mar 29, 2010 | biblical counseling |
I’m taking a blogging break this week and am running some of your favorite posts. 🙂 Enjoy. . .again.
Welcome to Real Hurts, Real Hope! I’ve had a place in my heart for this blog long before I thought of it. How do I know? Becau
se you’ve been on my mind, my sweet sister in Christ.
For you I write. I understand, I’ve been there.
Real Hurts, Real Hope was born out of my own pain. Among them was the pain of loneliness and isolation. I’d go to church desiring friendship with godly women, but it seemed everyone was talking to everyone else and they knew the secret handshake or the secret password or whatever and I didn’t. I was the wallflower, just another pretty daisy lost in the lobby.
Can you relate?
Know this, my sweet sister: You are not alone in your emotional and spiritual struggles. You are not alone in the pain that tags along with your physical problems.
Here you are welcome. I encourage you to soak in God’s truth that you are valued, significant and loved. Our God is tender toward you, my sweet sister. He knows your name and has written it on the palm of his hand. He calls you — Beautiful.
Back in the early 1990s, I didn’t understand these biblical truths. . .and I was a follower of Christ. Depression had darkened my mood. Anxiety had rattled my mind too. On top of this tough stuff, difficult memories jabbed me. Yes, there was my parents’ divorce but something even worse.
How could I tell anyone my pain? Especially women in the church who seemed to have it all together?
Fast forward to 2000, the year of God’s specific call on my life.
A summer day. Sunny, a soft breeze. Me alone, in prayer.
God whispered to my heart: “Lucy, comfort my sheep who are hurting with the comfort you’ve received from me.”
“Who me?” I asked
“Trust me, Lucy.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Trust me.”
Like the fuzz of a dandelion, my arguments floated away and I said, “Okay, Lord.”
Since then I’ve ministered to hurting Chistian women and to the people who love them. Fearful women. Lonely women. Abused women. Women caught in addiction: shopping, alcohol, pornography. Women who’ve committed adultery. Women with hard pasts. Women like me. Like you.
And now our Lord has led me to write Real Hurts, Real Hope to reach more Chistian women with the truth that God cherishes you and wants to heal you.
Will you journey with me? You’re my dream come true.
You Are Loved!
by Lucy | Dec 9, 2009 | biblical counseling, relationships |
“Should I remarry?” asks the Christian mom of two school-aged children. Her hands twist a tissue.
As a biblical counselor, I hear this question often from counselees who are divorced moms. They want to get marriage right the second (or third) time around, and wonder what’s best for their children. Meanwhile, the drag of loneliness and paycheck-to-paycheck living weighs on them. Remarriage sounds like a good idea.
Are you or a friend contemplating remarriage? Is it the answer to your life’s burden? Or would marrying again make things worse?
May I encourage you to slow down and invest in premarital counseling before you fork other thousands for the wedding?
You Have Company!
Did you know that 40 percent of married couples with children in the US are step-familes? At least one spouse had a child from a previous marriage, statistics indicate.
Premarital counseling is always wise for all who desire marriage. And all the more for couples whose marriage involves children! You need to know if this marriage is a good idea in the first place, don’t you?
Of couse you do!
Amongs the topics you’ll cover in premarital counseling are:
There are multiple issues to be addressed when those with children decide to marry and join their families together. You won’t be able to address every problem or situation, but you will certainly see the glaring ones.
Blended families are unique in many ways and bear little to no resemblance to the Brady Bunch. It takes on average 2-3 years before this new union operates or feels like a family. Topics covered in premarital counseling will help keep expectations reasonable between the children and the new spouse. Both adults learn how to support each other in parenting and discipline so the children are not able to drive a wedge between them.
The expectations the happy couple has going into the new marriage are usually dashed pretty quickly and replaced with some uncomfortable and even unhappy realities. The premarital counseling process will help the couple to understand and accept that while they are very happy, remarriage is generally a loss for children. Remarriage ends the child’s dream of parental reconciliation. Many children secretly cling to the hope that mom and dad will get back together.
When a single parent marries, the child can experience a sense of loss because the parent now must be shared with someone else, and in some cases, shared with many other people! If the new parent comes with his or her own children, this can add layers of loss from the child’s perspective.
In premarital counseling, the couple will learn how to minister to the children and how to help them understand that the pending marriage is the beginning of another relationship for them, an additional relationship for them. It is critical that children are aware that even though they won’t ever have their original family unit, the Lord has allowed them to have more people to love, support, and care for them.
It is also a good idea to bring children into the counseling process for the couple to hear what they are experiencing and to learn how to address biblically any losses their children are experiencing. For example, a discussion of Hebrews 4:14-16 may aid a child in understanding that Jesus understands her sorrow and her trials. You can remind her that Jesus was part of a blended family!
Wise parents and step-parents will affirm the role the non-custodial parent has in the child’s life (when possible). Premarital counseling will help assure the child there is no intention of obstructing that relationship with the biological parent (when possible).
To children who are fearful this new marriage and family won’t last, premarital family counseling will teach them about marriage and family from a covenantal perspective. Children might need reminders that parent and step-parent desire to honor and glorify God in their marriage, which means they will work on it, even when it is hard. This many give the children assurances that the parents are not going to give up on making it all work.
You should remind everyone that new relationships will develop over time. Help them develop habits of praying for the new marriage, praying for the children, and involving the children in prayer as together they form a new family unit.
A blended family can be a great family, but it takes a lot of work and dedication. It takes a lot of grace and understanding, because this is a journey for everyone.
I plopped on the summer grass, a tired, sad 8-year-old pig-tailed tomboy with an angry mom and an angry dad who were no longer married.
The grass welcomed me. Cool. Plush. I rolled onto my tummy.
“Hey, what’s this?” I wondered. “A four-leaf clover?” I raked the blades. No other four leafers.
Make a wish on a four-leaf clover and you get your wish. Every one knew that. I wished that my parents would remarry and. . .
You’ll find out what happened in a few minutes. First watch this video. How did this couple remarry after divorce? Why?
I got my wish. But life was not happily ever after.
