by Lucy | Jul 21, 2016 | biblical counseling, relationships |
Is there life after divorce? Yes! There definitely is.
No one needs to tell you divorce is a type of death. Your dreams cracked, and you feel broken. Shattered.
“Will I ever be happy?” a recently divorced woman asked me.
“Yes, as God fits together the pieces, and as you apply God’s Word to your life, you’ll experience a joy that’s deeper than circumstantial happiness,” I replied. “Do you want to get better?”
She twisted the tissue in her hands. “Yes.”
In this article, I’ll share hope and help in three significant ways:
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- Identifying the ultimate cause of divorce
- Giving encouragement from divorced Christian women.
- Three tips toward wholeness after divorce.
Ultimate Cause of Divorce
The ultimate cause of divorce is sin. Sin is selfish, prideful, and misaligned with God’s written Word, that is, the Bible. In the Bible, God gives two legitimate grounds for divorce
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:
- Unrepentant, sexual adultery. (Matthew 5:31, 19:9)
- Desertion by an unbeliever. (1 Corinthians 7:15-16)
Even though these are legitimate grounds for divorce, God always meant for marriage to be for life. In Malachi 2:16, God says he hates divorce because it’s borne from sin and brings destruction.
In what ways have you experienced the effects of destruction? Have you received care or condemnation from your Christian friends? Remember, for Christians:
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1, ESV)
God doesn’t condemn you, dear friend, even though you and your ex sinned against each other. When God brings together two sinners in a marriage, guess what? They sin. God uses marriage to chip away at your character flaws–and his. Sometimes marital conflict seems unbearable, doesn’t it?
Could You Use Encouraging Words?
“I used to feel rejected,” Lana said. “That first year was unbearable. My sleep was awful and I couldn’t stop eating junk food.
A neighbor asked me over for coffee. This was a turning point.
“We talked and I began to see that it wasn’t just his fault. I was selfish too. My friend listened. I thank God for her.”
“I went back to bed after I got the kids off to school,” Annie shared. “Life seemed black after the divorce. What kept me going were my kids and going to church on Sundays.
“I thought I went to church for them so they could be in Sunday School, but…
the worship songs melted my hardened heart.
“I began to look up again. It still hurts and money is still tight, but I have hope now.”
“My husband was into porn,” Jess said. “I didn’t know about his addiction when we married. We talked to the pastor. Justin would stop for a while then I’d catch him at it again. I felt so numb, I didn’t know what to do. He said he didn’t want to hurt me so he divorced me.”
“I guess the good that came out of it was getting counseling and growing closer to the Lord.”
Three Tips Toward Wholeness
- Learn conflict resolution. A main reason for bitterness in marriage is failing to work through problems. Commit to speaking the truth in love to family members, coworkers, and people at church and in your neighborhood. When you speak the truth in love, you communicate your feelings lovingly and work toward a solution.
- Figure out what kindles your anger and fear. As your identify the thoughts that prompt your emotions you can change them. “Take every thought captive to obey Christ” (1 Corinthians 10:5).
- Cling to your identity in Christ. You are God’s beloved child. Get my 64-page eBook to savor the “5 Amazing Names God Calls You!”
Join the Conversation
How has divorced touched your life? Where did you find hope and healing?
AN OFFER: Get a free consultation! Great for any woman going through hurt or who has questions. Contact me now.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Mar 31, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions |
If you have a dark secret, you probably are more like a turtle than a fancy show dog. Fancy show dogs lap up attention. Turtles hide. They are afraid. They like to blend in. Their hard shells protect them, or do they?
Through my childhood and into my 20s, I was all turtle. I tried to hide my dark secrets. The problem is, I acted out — quietly, for turtles are quiet — in ways that hinted at the pain I covered up, retracting my feet and head into my shell, my hiding place. Where is you favorite hiding place when you hurt? A book? TV? Wine? In the arms of a lover? Church?
In this blog post I’ll share:
- Some of my own dark secrets.
- How God healed my shame.
- Do this. Don’t do that.
My Shameful Secret
When you meet a turtle, you can bet they’ve been hurt. . .by parents or kids at school or a tragedy of some sort. Show dogs often have hurts too. They hide in other ways. One way is pointing you to their accomplishments. Another way is making jokes. Are you more like a turtle or a show dog?
Here are several of my secrets that turtle-ized me.
- Depression from childhood to my early 30s.
- A child of divorce. . .three times. My parents divorced twice, once when I was age 8, they remarried a year later, and divorced again in my mid 20s. My dad remarried and divorced.
- Sexual abuse survivor. I repressed the memories for nearly 20 years.
- Drug abuse. I drove drunk. I drove high. This happened in high school. I’m not proud of it. I was stupid.
- Self-harm. I went through a stage in high school where dug my fingernails into my wrists and drew blood.
- Binge eating followed by starving in college, yelled at myself — “pig, pig” — and ate more then punished myself by eating nothing for one or two days.
- Perfectionism. I thought I was lovable only when I did everything right. But I couldn’t, so I hated myself.
Yes, there’s more. I’ve learned to share only secrets where I now have healing and am open to talk about freely. What about you? Do you have secrets? Are you careful to share it with trustworthy people? Have you shared a secret with someone who betrayed your confidence? Didn’t their betrayal hurt worse than having a house drop on your head?
How God Healed My Shame
The turning point for this turtle was God-ordained. I wouldn’t have chosen it. In his wisdom, God picked the time and day. He knew I’d find safety in him and my husband.
A Saturday morning in the summer, I woke up, bawling. My poor husband thought I was in physical pain. I wasn’t. Memories from my childhood and teen years flooded me unexpectedly and I cried a Mississippi River. I had pushed down some of these memories for decades. I knew they were true. I had chosen to pretend.
Three important decisions I made that day:
- Share my deepest secret with a counselor.
- Start journaling my thoughts and feelings.
- Sing to Christian music every day.
Sharing my secret freed me from holding it in holding it in holding it in. To get it out, I first shared it in third person, but my counselor and I both knew I was talking about my secret–sexual molestation by a family member. After I shared with the counselor, I told my secret to my husband. He asked me why I had never told him. I said — and I meant it — that it had never crossed my mind. What a turtle I was!
Journaling provided a safe place to write where it hurt. Singing to solid Christian music filled with biblical truth helped renew my mind according to the Bible. I am thankful to God that he gave me the time to journal and sing, and people to confide in.
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame (Psalm 71:1, NIV).
Do This, Don’t Do That
Keeping a dark secret hurts you and others. Sharing them with a safe Christian friend or gospel-centered counselor heals. Here are a few do’s and don’ts for healing if you or a friend has a dark secret.
DO pray and ask God for healing.
DON’T pretend the dark secret is no biggie.
DO read the Psalms. David and other psalmists pour out their heart as they wrestle with hurts and hard emotions.
DON’T distract yourself day after day with food, TV, computer games, porn, or alcohol.
DO journal your thoughts and feelings.
DON’T “vomit” your secret on anyone and everyone or all over the Internet.
DO get the help God wants you to have.
Friend, God loves you just as you are. You don’t have to have it all figured out. It’s okay to be messy. We’re all sinners, right? And in Christ, you and I are saints! Hold dear to your identity in Christ.
In Christ, you are set free from condemnation and shame.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
In Christ, you are able to live victoriously.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57)
OFFER: I encourage you to sign up for a complimentary 15-minute consult to find out if biblical counseling is for you. To sign up, send me a contact message. We can pick a time that works for you. Thank you.
Sharing hope with your heart,
by Lucy | Aug 27, 2013 | emotions
Do you want an awesome marriage? Of course you do. You married your guy for better or worse.
Now it’s “worse” and you want “better.”
The super news: God wants to awesome-ize your marriage too!
I’ve been there. From good to worse to better to awesome. Sometimes my marriage slinks back to blah, giving me more practice to awesome-ize my marriage. 🙂
Marriage Ain’t Easy
Let’s get real. No marriage is perfect. Guess what? The neighbor lady who says her marriage is perfect? She’s lying.
There’s no sense comparing yours to hers. You’d fume and sulk and eat gallons of ice cream. Don’t go there. Choose a better way.
The better way:
1. Picture the marriage God wants you to have. (Hint: Unity)
2. Consider the state of your marriage now. Write down 3 to 5 things you’d like to change.
3. Make a reasonable plan.
Picture the Marriage God Wants You to Have
Take a moment and picture the marriage God wants you to have. You and your guy won’t always agree but you can try to work out your differences, right? When you both reach an impasse you may agree to disagree.
In your picture, do you pray with your guy? Great.
Does he give up drinking? Or saying mean things to you or the kids? Wonderful.
Does he choose you over the ball game? Amazing.
Take a moment a describe the picture of the marriage God wants you to have.
Consider the Current State of Your Marriage
This is un-fun yet necessary.
Think of words or phrases describing your marriage now. Is your marriage lonely? Full of angst? Two ships passing in the night? Dangerous? (If you are in an abusive relationship, please contact your local authorities or a women’s shelter for help and safety.)
The top reason married women seek me for biblical counseling is loneliness in their marriage. They want a better husband and happiness. Some look for relief in wine or work or the wily world of the online media.
[tweetthis]When you’re unhappy in marriage, your response reveals a lot about your belief in God. [/tweetthis]
Make a Reasonable Plan
Why reasonable? He’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. God is letting your marriage show you things about yourself and about God’s faithfulness.
Before getting to the plan, listen to these two true stories. Names and some details have been changed. The spouses are Christians.
A Stinky Story
Jessica’s husband stinks. Though in his 50s, he has bad breath that could slay a monster. He not only stinks but also is a mess; a highly educated mess:
He leaves out dishes. He misses the toilet and fails to wipe the tinkle.
What’s worse, he flirts with pretty ladies right in front of her.
Jessica has had numerous sit-downs with her husband about other women, personal hygiene, and sloppiness. He deflects her comments, saying that she can clean his dishes and urine since it bothers her, not him, and that she can leave the conversation when he flirts.
A #1 Son Story
Susanna’s husband has a best friend and it’s not her. The best friend is their 30-something, college-educated son who lives at home. She thinks their son should move out. Her husband says he should stay and that she should: do the son’s laundry and make his lunches that he totes to work.
The son doesn’t pay rent, contribute to the bills, or help around the house or yard.
Susanna deeply loves her son and wants the best for him, and she knows his leeching is not only wrong, but also damaging to him and to her marriage.
What’s Your Recommendation?
If these women came to you for marital help, what would advise?
Speaking the truth in love?
Prayer?
Reaching out to trustworthy female Christian friends for encouragement?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Now make your list. List specific things you can do.
Examples:
“Talk to my husband about the mean things he said the other night and how I felt hurt.”
“Sit with my husband and watch football together.”
“Text him ‘I love you’ every day for a week.”
“Initiate lovemaking one time this week.”
What About His Role?
At the core of each women’s plight in the two stories is failure of the husband to heed biblical commands to love his wife.
For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:31-33, NIV).
Also,
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves himself loves his wife (Eph. 5:25-28).
Without a doubt Jessica’s and Susanna’s husbands are not demonstrating love as God commands. I’m certain both men, and the grown son, have many fine qualities; otherwise, the women would not have married them. However, sin now entangles them.
These wives have erred too; generally, women in problem marriages sin (or make an ugly choice contrary to God’s commands) when they fail to speak the truth in love. Some speak words that cut, nag, and belittle. Others remain silent; the growing resentment becomes deafening.
The Take-Away
You cannot change your guy; this is the work of the Holy Spirit. You can want what God wants for your marriage and take steps from awful to awesome.
Never give up. God loves you and is with you. He values marriage!
Scripture says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'” (2 Cor. 12:9).
God can redeem your marriage. Go to him. He loves to talk with you.
AN OFFER: You can get a no-cost consultation from me. I am a certified biblical counselor who’s helped thousands of women find real hope for their real hurts. Click: Contact me. Let’s seek God together.
photo credit: clevercupcakes via photopin cc
Counseling Hope to Your Heart<
by Lucy | Mar 14, 2013 | biblical counseling, emotions |
Aren’t you glad you can heal by grieving a DIVORCE?
Today is the third of eight posts in the blog series, “Mending a Broken Heart.” Read posts one and two, here and here.
As we talk together about tough stuff like abuse and divorce, addiction and the death of loved ones, I pray you’ll find hope and healing. We have the help from author Kc Christman Hutter, whose memoir A Broken Heart bleeds a beautiful story of life after mistakes.
Jesus made a promise that may bug you.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NIV)
Loss fills life. Yours. Mine. Everyone’s.
Blessed Are Those Who Mourn
It’s normal to hurt after divorce. Divorce is death, the death of a relationship that was supposed to last until the death of your spouse. You know, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. . .until death do us part. But the statistics doodle a different picture.
What is the right response after a death?
Pretend you’re just dandy? Pop pills? Or mourn?
When you feel harassed, distressed, troubled, and crushed, mourn. Please.
Neither push down your pain nor fall for some common Christian-ized pabulum.
The pastoral counselor, in spite of himself, finds himself tittering out his usual jocular reassuring prescriptions, minimizing the problem, and thumping in optimism or the need for further effort. He has the ingrained professional habit of filling every unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of good advice.” ~ Frank Lake
If you get this kind of crappy advice, find another adviser.
Kc Hutter’s adviser: booze. Not recommended.
This describes what happened after she drank away her demons and risked getting help. Listen.
I don’t remember the psychiatrist’s face. He sat behind a big desk; I wiggled on a very small chair.
“Why are you here?” he asked coldly.
“I don’t know, I’m crying, just crying all the time. No one loves me.” Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“There are many reasons people come to me for help,” the psychiatrist stated matter-of-factly. He listed a few of them, and added, “Tell me if you have one of these problems.”
She had all nine he listed. Divorce topped her list. She never returned to his office. She turned to Jesus.
Oh Lord, how can I hang on? There are so many cards stacked against me; my life and body are crumbling. Can you mend my broken heart?
Joy in the Morning
The trek through the pain of divorce to healing is personal and messy. You can find God in the midst of suffering. You can know hope. You can choose it.
I turn to Bob Kellemen‘s amazing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses for comfort and understanding, and for sharing with my counselees who need biblical answers for their suffering. To find this joy, this real joy, you need honesty with yourself and honesty with God.
Forget faking it. Be real, be raw.
When have you found the courage to share honestly with yourself? with God?
When are you tempted to fake your grief, even the grief of a broken marriage?
Then cry and surrender all to God. This cry is a faith-based plea. It’s reaching, palms up, asking God for help because. . .
you cannot survive without him.
What happens after you cry and you’re spent? Your tears–they tell God that he has your attention, that he has you. Then what?
Receive.
Receive the Comforter
After you’re honest with yourself — yes, rejection and fear, and you’re facing the facts of your new normal which doesn’t seem normal at all — and you’re honest with God, expressing your trust in our trustworthy God, you cry out and God hears and comforts.
“For he will deliver the needy who cry out.” (Psalm 72:12)
Just like Kc.
My new faith of trusting Jesus assured me that someone loved me! I’d forgotten that He loved me so much that He died on the cross for me. Unlike worldly love, God’s love is unconditional. . . .He lifted me out of one grotesque nightmare after another and placed my feet on solid ground.”
She grieved with hope.
When you’ve grieved a divorce, did you stumble into depression? Or did you embrace your scars? Do you see yourself as a survivor? Are you now thriving?
About Kc
Kc was brought up in the church but did not have a personal relationship with Jesus until after her third failed relationship (two divorces, one live-in lover). She now guides those who are hurting and without hope to the Mender of Broken Hearts. She is married and lives in Washington State with her husband, Jerry.
A Few Questions
1. Have you talked to God about the pain of your broken marriage? Were you candid? Are you pretending you’re just fine?
2. Have you blamed God for your difficult circumstance or have you expressed confusion over how a good God allows pain? Remember, an ungodly complaint accuses God of lacking goodness, holiness, and wisdom.
3. Which parts of Kc’s story resonates with you?
Hope for You
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
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by Lucy | Mar 28, 2011 | biblical counseling
Only a few short years ago Christie Love thought her ministry life had flushed down the toilet. God knew better. 🙂
When Christie’s marriage fell apart, divorce crashed her family like a tsunami. Almost overnight she went from married lady who served as a leader at her church to a single mom of three little kids – a five year old, a three year old and a baby — who felt like she had. . .
a monster X on her chest.
She felt marked, alone, rejected.
Fast forward three years: Christie is launching a national ministry for women called LeadHer. A few hundred Christian women are on her team. LeadHer officially kicks off on May 1.
You’re invited to hear Christie’s amazing story of brokenness and blessing on Tuesday at 2 p.m. Eastern (11 a.m. Pacific) on my online radio show. You can listen LIVE through your computer or your smart phone. Click her to listen to the live show.
Busy at this time? Then listen to the archive.
In her blog Love’s Notes, Christie shares that her divorce was “the darkest time of her life.” She was physically exhausted and emotionally drained. When her marriage crumbled so did her support system.
She felt rejected by people who were uncomfortable with her circumstances. Yet in her dark moments, God comforted her.
Have you ever felt lonely in church? Or unworthy of God? Listen to my online radio show and be encouraged. God loves you. . .
deeper than deep.
Question: Have you wondered whether God could fix your mistake and bring wholeness out of heartache? Please take a moment and leave a coment. 🙂
You Are Blessed!
