Use sandwich communication with kids to lovingly and effective engage conversation. This tool is helps make communication with loved ones … a joy.
Based on a biblical model, the sandwich communication tool helps you effectively communicate — even correct your child — by beginning and ending with the positive.
I recently watched a dad correct his daughter three or four times in a 10-minute conversation that left her with a downcast spirit.
Her expression said, “Can’t I do anything right?” She appeared to melt into the wall and disappear.
Results—yes. Good results—no!
This article by Sherry Allchin, MA, appeared first here on Biblical Counseling Center, which gave permission to reprint. Sherry is among the dozens of female biblical counselors listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory. See her contact info. She counsels in by Skype and in person in South Carolina. Edited for length.
Begin with the Positive
When communicating anything to your child, but especially a correction, begin with a positive. When Christ corrected the churches in Revelation 2 – 4, He began by telling each of them what they were doing right.
Each time we approach our children (even spouses!) we need to affirm their positives, what they do w\ell.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29, ESV
EXAMPLE: Let’s say a child is getting his tempera paints all over the place. Many parents might say, “You’re so messy; why can’t you do it like Joni?” This message communicates, “You are not as good as Joni. Messy is your nature so I guess you’ll never change.”
But a gospel-motivated parent might begin with a positive part of sandwich communication, such as “I like the colors you are choosing for your picture. Here, let me give you a paper towel to clean up some of those drips. I can’t wait to see your finished picture!”
The positive approach gets the child’s attention that he is doing something of value to you as well as to him, that he really does have some good qualities even though they may still need some polishing.
Time for the Negative (or Correction)
Now the middle part of sandwich communication.
I always hated it when a teacher told me I had it wrong but left me no clue about how to fix the problem. Some children are left feeling that same way by parents.
Yes, they know it was wrong, but they still don’t know what to do to correct it. How do you correct being a lazy slob if you’re told that’s who you are? How do you correct a math problem you don’t understand?
A child made in the image of God has wonderful potential to change any wrong thing she is doing, and she needs to be reminded of that continuously in the process of corrective sanctification.
So a child is not a lazy slob; she is failing to make her bed before breakfast or take out the garbage when asked. That is a problem that can and should be corrected. “This is what I want you to correct and how I want you to do it.”
Finish the Deal with a Positive
The last part of sandwich communication ends in a positive.
You might say something like,
You are a strong boy and very capable of carrying your load around our home.
And because we love you and want to train you for life, we must insist that you do ______ by dinnertime or face the consequences of ______.
We are confident you will choose to make a wise choice that honors God and your parents because we have watched you growing in your love and obedience in so many ways.
Yes, sandwich communication quickly reaches the heart of most children (or adults, for that matter). But if a child’s spirit has already been deeply wounded, it may take some consistency on your part for the child to respond well. He must come to believe he has intrinsic value because he is made in the image of God and because he can change to become more and more like Jesus in everyday life.
Practical Help
- Ask the children in your life if they think you are made at them “rarely,” “sometimes,” or “often.” If the answer sometimes or often, please ask their forgiveness. Remember, man’s anger never produces God’s righteousness.
- Recognize that your anger is usually about what is inconveniencing you, not what your child truly needs to correct.
- Plan the “Sandwich” that you will give your child, first a positive related to what needs correcting or overall positive character you see in him. Then carefully word the Correction in a way that guides him to biblical change for God’s glory. Finish the Sandwich with the Bread of Life, God’s love for him, your love for him and your confidence in his ultimate maturity (Hebrews 12:5-10).
Next Step
Consider getting biblical counseling for you and your child if home is a war zone. Contact us and learn more about biblical counselinghby Skype.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
Lucy
