Finding Freedom from Sexual Sin

Finding Freedom from Sexual Sin

Has sexual sin taken you hostage, my sister in Christ? I want you to know there really is freedom. It is among the top issues I counsel biblically

Now this reassurance:

Sexual sin is no worse than any other sin. Adultery / porn use /  transgender issues / same-sex attraction — these are not the “unforgivable” sin. Yet sexual sin can destroy relationships and opens wide the door to anxiety and shame, even addictions. And it grieves the Holy Spirit.

In this article, you’ll discover 3 paths to freedom from sexual sin and to renewal.

  1. Share your story safely.
  2. Have an “escape plan.”
  3. Guard your heart.

1. Share Your Story of Sexual Sin

First, choose a safe person such as a trusted, female Christian friend or a pastor’s wife to share your story of sexual sin.

But what if you don’t have a safe person in your life? Then please contact me or another counselor on the Heart2Heart Counselor Directory at my website. We listen deep and don’t condemn..

And when you share your story, and someone really listens, you will begin to sense hope. Even  shame and fear start to dissipate. Soon you’ll think that you really can change, that you aren’t stuck.

2. Have an Escape Plan

Second, as you share with someone you trust, you’ll also need an escape plan. Wonderfully, God has provided the way of escape. Consider 1 Corinthians 10:13, which is full of hope and promise.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

sexual sin artOn your plan, you may want to include these items:

  • names of trusted godly girlfriends to call when tempted.
  • specific Bible verses to think on.
  • Internet protection like Covenant Eyes.
  • a list of places to go when tempted, such as the gym or coffee shop.

Remember, Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days in the desert and didn’t sin. (Temptation itself is not wrong.) Check out Matthew 4:1-11 and see how Jesus responded.

3. Guard Your Heart

Third, guard your heart by daily Bible reading and prayer, and learn to replace the world’s lies with God’s truth.

As you guard what you put in your mind, your heart responds. Your heart is the part of you that thinks, feels, and make choices. It is your spiritual inner person.

So freedom from sexual sin requires a heart set on pleasing God, not self. We act on what we think, and this is why biblical counseling focuses on right thinking as defined by God’s standard, the Bible.

Changing Heart Desires

In counseling women in sexual sin of any kind, I’ve discovered a two-fold process in renewing the mind and changing the desires of the heart.

  • Correcting false beliefs about God.
  • Keeping a Transform Your Thoughts Journal. You can get it here.

Be encouraged: Sexual sin wants to take you hostage but Jesus has a radical love for you, and his radical love changes you. There’s hope.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

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New Heart, New Desires, New Life! part 3

New Heart, New Desires, New Life! part 3

New heart, new desires, new life! You have a new life in Christ. So it makes sense to not dwell on your past, right? Instead, embrace your true identity in Christ. 

This article by guest writer Deborah Smith, which appeared first here on Reviving Your Heart, tells a story of we all need to hear. Her story is used with permission. Part 3 in a 3-part series. Here’s part 1 and part 2.hope icon

Consider these three beautiful truths:

  • Christians have new hearts.
  • Christians have new desires.
  • And Christians have new life!

So fear, we’ve heard Deborah’s story of overcoming addiction.  Plus she shared how God developed new desires in her heart. Now let’s look at her new life in Christ.

There’s No Sense Dwelling on Your Sinful Past

We are not supposed to dwell on or glorify our sinful past. So I believe that God highlights those sins and reminds us that we were once slaves to those things for a reason. But thanks be to God that He came on a rescue mission. And we are now called “the righteousness of God” (2 Cor. 5:21).

Listen, our lives are not to be characterized by sin. Indeed, We have new hearts and new desires and new life in Christ.

“The old has passed away, BEHOLD, all things have become new!”

John MacArthur says that “maturing means we will sin less but we will feel worse.” What he means is that we won’t be sinless (not this side of glory), but walking with the Lord creates intimacy and closeness.

Therefore, the light of Christ shines brighter and hits all the cracks and crevices in our lives. We have been given new hearts that have become intolerant to sin. More and more, we lose the ability to be okay with even the slightest sin.

So a harsh word becomes a big deal. And a good deed left undone becomes something that bothers us. No more “big sin and little sin.” God hates it all, and so do we!

Delighting in Your New Life

My friends, my desire is that if you are a woman who came to the Lord having had a very sinful and sorted past, that you would know that you are no less pure than the little six-year-old girl who came to know the Lord at VBS.

If you are the six-year old who came to the Lord in VBS, I want you to recognize that you needed to be saved and redeemed as much as the sixty-year-old ex-prostitute. And you should give God praise for that.

If you are a sister who did not come to the Lord as a virgin, you are still marriage material. And if you are a sister who has kept yourself pure and deeply desires a husband, know that you are fully new and complete in Christ alone.

If you are the one who had a child out of wedlock but are now part of the Bride of Christ, you are not disqualified. And if you got married at eighteen, have four beautiful children, and are still married to the same man, Christ must still have first place in your heart.

The truth is, Christian sister, we all have been washed in the blood of Jesus. And He says we are clean and that He is now our treasure. So go forth as a redeemed daughter of the King—glorifying Him with your new life!

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

ANGER: Replacing Your Mad with Patience

angerAnger! Do you blow up or clam up when you’re mad? Anger is among the most common emotions you experience. And it is impatient! So would you like to know how to replace your mad with patience?

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind ot one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Root Cause of Anger

Anger surfaces when you a wrong–real or perceived. Here are a few examples. What would you add to this list?

  • Your dog chews up your favorite shoes.
  • Your 16 year old promises to clean her mess of a room but doesn’t.
  • A girlfriend asks you to lunch and never shows.
  • Your husband asks you to lie to his boss.
  • Your job is “eliminated.”

Types of Anger

Have you heard someone say, “I never get angry,” and in the next breath, she complains or speaks in an irritated tone of voice?

It’s a misconception that anger is only “loud”–yelling, slamming doors, a cutting comment, rage. In truth, it may also be “quiet”–the silent treatment, gossip, self-pity, apathy. The former “blows up” while the latter “clams up.” Both are destructive.

When you’re angry, do you tend to blow up, clam up, or bounce between the two?

Several years ago, I counseled a woman whose husband lost his well-paying job when the company learned he looked at pornography on his work computer. She never yelled. She never screamed. But she was red-hot angry inside. It showed up as headaches, sleeplessness, and worry.

Thankfully, she learnd the root of her anger and resolved it. Her husband was genuinely repentant, and she forgave him. And, most important, she handled her anger biblically. Among the verses she heeded was this:

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Revealing Anger

A common assignment I give to counselees is keeping a thought journal. The journal I use helps them assess their anger, fear, or other difficult emotions. It also helps counselees make new, godly habits.

In counseling, I also ask questions that help reveal the reason behind the anger. Some are:

  1. What is going on that led to anger?
  2. How dis you react?
  3. What did you desire when you were angry? (Common ones are pride, people-pleasing, and security.)
  4. What were the consequences of your anger?

Resolving Anger

After you assess your anger, it’s time to turn from the false gods you identified in question 3 above. Then turn to Jesus: confess (agree with God) that you sinned, repent, and thank God for the forgiveness that Jesus provided through the cross.

Now choose to trust God and obey him. When you trust and obey, you’ll experience thankfulness as well as changes in your thoughts, emotions, and actions. And so peace and patience replace anger.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

As a result, your faith grows. Your contentment deepens. You have more patience too.

God gives you everything you need to live a victorious, godly life free of any anger problem.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

You get a taste of heaven now. And God keeps teaching you more about himself as patience replaces anger.

Sharing hope with your heart,

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Help! I’m a Slave to Food (part 1)

foodFood is a gift from God, right? But for some people, overeating is a. . .sin. In this helpful post that first appeared here, counselor Paul Tautges shares parts of Shannon Kay McCoy‘s booklet, Help! I’m a Slave to Food. It is used with permission. (Edited for length–LAM)

God declares overeating to be a sin: ‘For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty’ (Proverbs 23:21).

So begins the second chapter of biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy’s very helpful mini-book HELP! I’m a Slave to Food.

Then McCoy defines sin. These definitions include–

  • whatever is not from faith is sin (Romans 14:23).
  • therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin (James 4:17).
  • all unrighteousness is sin (1 John 5:17).
  • sin is lawlessness (1 John 3:4).

These descriptions view sin as the act of the will. Sin is choosing to act in opposition to God’s Word.

Sin of Overeating?

Slave to Food-small email

McCoy continues: “Perhaps you don’t believe that overeating is a sin. Many of us have been brainwashed by magazine articles, television talk shows, and reality shows that tell us that food is the problem: you are simply eating the wrong things in the wrong way.”

Often Christians view overeating as a diet problem rather than a sin problem. But overeating does n

ot seem serious. We often treat it as one of those ‘little sins’ that are acceptable in the church.

You don’t hear sermons or read books on the sin of overeating, do you? Your focus is more on getting treatment for your problem of overeating than facing up to your personal responsibility of repentance and obedience.

As McCoy pointed out, overeating is failing to do the right thing. It is unrighteousness and lawlessness.

Description of a Food Struggle

A woman McCoy spoke with describes her struggle:

My eating was out of control. I ate solely to satisfy whatever craving I was having at the time. As a result, my health was suffering and I was not honoring God with my life and body He had given me. I was for the first time confronted with the fact that the way that I was eating was sinful. I knew that my eating was ‘not good,’ but I never considered that my eating was sin.

In her mini-book, Shannon transparently identifies with her readers by acknowledging that overeating once dominated her life. Then she shares the life-changing counsel from the Scriptures, which changed her life, beginning with admitting the seriousness of her sin problem.

Overeating Is Not an Addiction

Some overeaters label themselves “food addicts,” believing they are addicted to food. However, addiction is not a biblical term. The world uses this terminology to describe the behavior of someone who is controlled by a substance.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines addiction in this way: “To devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively.” But the danger in labeling overeating as “addiction” is that it undermines the personal conviction of sin. If the problem is not sin, then you will look for solutions in a system of theories, not in the person of Jesus Christ.

Overeating Is Idolatry

The biblical term for “addiction” is “idolatry.” The sin of overeating is idolatry. And idolatry is worship and devotion to creation rather than worship and devotion to the Creator God.

You worship your stomach and appetites by indulging in food. In fact, you desire the created food more than your Creator. The problem is not necessarily the food you consume; it is the worship of your heart. But before you can be set free, you must acknowledge your idol, denounce it, repent, and give your heart and devotion to him. Your greatest hope is in turning from your false gods and surrendering your life to Jesus, who forgives your sins and frees you from the sin of overeating.

God’s Grace Empowers Us to Change

Romans 6:12-14 both exhorts us to repent of the sin of overeating and gives us hope on God’s power to change us:

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

In the remainder of her mini-book, McCoy teaches us how to conquer the sin of overeating by God’s gracious empowerment for disciplined living.

Get HELP! I’m a Slave to Food in print copy and/or Kindle format.

RESOURCE: Looking for a whole-hearted, comprehensive ebook to be Fit for Life. Get it now.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

ABUSE: Can An Abuser Change? (part 4)

ABUSE: Can An Abuser Change? (part 4)

ABUSE and the abuser: Can an abuser change? Keep reading to find out if an abuser stop his abuse. And if so, how? In part 4 of this four-part series on abuse, biblical counselor Jim Newheiser evaluates common statements made about abuse. His article appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission. Read part 1, part 2, and part 3.

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ASSERTION: There is nothing you can do to change an abuser.

Are Some Men So Stubborn to Ever Change?

A valid concern: This statement is making the point that there are some men who are so stubbornly sinful that no matter how nice you are to them, they will continue their angry abuse.

It is made to refute the false counsel some women have been given that if they simply could learn to be kinder and quieter, then their violent husbands would stop hurting them. However, Scripture does describe some men as violent, hard-hearted, and refusing to receive correction (Prov. 16:29; 29:1,22).

A man of wrath stirs up strife,
    and one given to anger causes much transgression. Proverbs 29:22

The Bible Gives Hope to All, Even to an Abuser

The harm that can be caused: On the other hand some so-called experts have asserted that there is nothing a victim can do by changing her behavior to change the abuser and his behavior.

While I agree that in many cases it is true that changed behavior will have no effect on a wicked, hardened man, the Bible explicitly gives hope that the Lord can use the godly behavior of a victim to soften the heart of a sinful spouse. First Peter 3:1-2 says a disobedient or unsaved husband might be won by his wife’s treating him better than he deserves. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a gentle answer may turn away wrath.

I know that these verses have been misused to wrongly send women back into dangerous situations. But it is also true that God can use the Christ-like behavior of a wife to reach an angry husband. Again, a distinction needs to be made based upon the degree of sinful anger (and the resultant danger), rather than quickly saying that a situation is hopeless and that the woman ought to give up and move on.

If there is any doubt as to whether a woman is in danger, I would encourage church leaders to err on the side of safety by helping her get away (hopefully temporarily). Then work with the husband to gauge true repentance before trying to restore the marriage and bring the couple back together again.

All Sinners Can Be Forgiven

It would be better to say: The gospel gives hope that sinners can be forgiven and transformed. Also, those in whose lives God has worked will show signs of true repentance (including patience).

Saul, the murderous persecutor, was transformed into the great apostle of grace. First Corinthians 6:9-11 tells how sinners of every kind have been cleansed and changed by the power of the gospel.

We believe that abusers who had been characterized by the wicked deeds of the flesh can become servants who bear the fruit of the Spirit. Abusers are often masters of manipulation (i.e., worldly sorrow). A truly repentant man will hate his sin more than its consequences; he will be more concerned about the rights and safety of others than about his own rights, and he will be patient as those whom he has previously hurt learn to trust him (see 2 Cor. 7:9-11).

(Friend, are you in a controlling, destructive, or difficult marriage? Why not get the help you need? Learn more about confidential, compassionate, effective biblical counseling by Skype or in person.

Contact me today.–Lucy)

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

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