Wacky Hormones, Anxiety, and Sex

Wacky Hormones, Anxiety, and Sex

by | Mar 26, 2021 | biblical counseling

What do wacky hormones, anxiety, and loss of sexual desire have in common? In a word, menopause!

Erratic hormones, especially estrogen, may bring on “menopausal rage,” that need to bite off someone’s head for no good reason whatsoever. They also may create an anxious or depressed mood. Again, for no apparent good reason.

Some doctors prescribe antidepressants to help with anxiety during menopause, to lessen hot flashes and night sweats, and to counter insomnia.

If any of this sounds familiar, read Lisa’s story below. This article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition, where I write often.

“What’s wrong with me?” my married friend Lisa blurted. “My sleep is awful, I get horrible hot flashes, the pounds keep piling on, and I turn from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde on the daily. And sex? I could not care less. Seriously, I miss my youth!”

Lisa’s angst is shared by a growing population of women in midlife (ages 45 to 60) who are experiencing menopausal symptoms due to fluctuating hormones including night sweats and mood swings. Older women over 60 also have symptoms but of a different sort. For instance, while hot flashes may fade, vaginal dryness and painful intercourse may increase. So do other signs of aging.

Let’s survey some of the physical, emotional, and relational changes in menopause and how a counselor might help a woman in this transition.

What Is Menopause?

Menopause is a stage in a woman’s life when she has stopped menstruating. It is normal and natural (Ps. 139:14) but often unwelcome and unsettling.

Sometimes a doctor will prescribe an anti-depressant since her complaints seem to fit the DSM-5 definition of depression or to help relieve hot flashes, night sweats, and skin flushing.

But, when a woman in midlife seeks help and hope from a biblical counselor, very rarely would she list “menopause” as the reason. More likely, she would mention problems like stress, marital difficulties, poor self-image, depression, and anxiety.

A Time of Loss, a Time of Wisdom

Loss is the operative word during this transition. Indeed, it is a time of greater and lesser losses. To understand how a counselor may help her, let’s first look at the phases of menopause. Then we’ll consider two of the many losses.

That said, menopause can also be an exciting and creative time as a woman shares her wisdom with others. She is anything but “washed up.”

Scripture highlights several older women. For instance, Anna was a widow and prophetess who served God with fasting and prayers (Luke 2:36-38). Sarah, the wife of Abraham and the mother of Isaac, is listed in the Faith Hall of Fame (Heb. 11:11). And Titus 2:3-5 outlines the ministry of an older woman to a younger woman.

Proverbs 31:25 reminds us, “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.”

Phases in Menopause

Peri-menopause

During this phase, the ovaries start to make less hormones, causing fluctuating levels of the hormones estrogen and progesterone, as well as less testosterone. Peri-menopause typically lasts two to eight years and sometimes as many as 13 years. Hot flashes, weight gain, night sweats, and insomnia are common.

Menopause

A woman’s period stops completely in this phase. The ovaries no longer release eggs, and estrogen levels become very low. The average age of menopause is 51.

However, one in every four American women will enter an abrupt, artificial cessation of menstruation caused by a medical procedure such as a hysterectomy. In addition, a small minority of women go through premature menopause by age 40 or younger. She may have had an illness or a chronic stressor that adversely affected the reproductive hormones.

Post-menopause

These are the years from menopause through the end of life. Her symptoms may start to fade away but could continue for a decade or longer. Other common problems like vaginal dryness and painful intercourse often increase, but they can be mitigated through the use of personal lubricants and Hormone Replacement Therapy. A talk with her doctor about fluctuating hormones would be wise.

Greater and Lesser Losses

Greater and lesser losses mark these phases of menopause. Two of the most common ones are the loss of a youthful appearance and the empty nest.

But there are many other changes as well. For instance, a woman’s marriage may end (either through death or divorce). She may retire, be disabled, or start a new career or ministry. She may become the primary caregiver to her ill parents, or she may succumb to a disease such as heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, cancer, or osteoporosis.

Loss of Youthful Appearance

With every new wrinkle, a woman in midlife may fret over her self-image and be filled with anxiety. To recapture her beauty, she may diet, cover her gray hair, or turn to plastic surgery, among other things, as she focuses on herself. While not all of these behaviors are sinful, the heart motives and desires behind engaging in them may be.

How might a counselor help her? A counselor might remind her that “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30). True beauty flows out of a heart that trusts God. She also needs to know her identity in Christ. Excellent passages include 1 Peter 3:3-5, Proverbs 31, and the book of Ruth.

The Empty Nest

When a woman finds her meaning in motherhood, she may think she is out of a job and feel unsettled, even despondent, when her last child leaves home. Additionally, if one or more of her children are unbelievers, she may wonder whether she failed God.

How might a counselor help her? A counselor may help her know that after she has raised her children, new opportunities open. She might finish her degree, begin a Titus 2 ministry to younger women, start a business, or like the excellent woman, consider “a field and buy it” (Prov. 31:16).

Now for the End of the Story

Lisa, who we met up top, began to use a cold pillow for hot flashes at night, over-the-counter melatonin for sleep, and K-Y Jelly for lubrication during sex. She wished she still looked 30 years old but is becoming more and more comfortable in her body, knowing she birthed three children, now adults and getting on in life, just as she had always hoped and prayed.

Truly, menopause is a time of greater and lesser losses as a woman faces the physical, emotional, and relational changes in this transition. She will most likely face a myriad of struggles that this article barely introduced. But she can grow in wisdom and grace and humor too.

As Elyse Fitzpatrick shares in The Afternoon of Life, “The one whose love and understanding you need is there with you today, as he has always been, and he weeps and smiles with you.”

Overcoming a Phobia, Part 2

Overcoming a Phobia, Part 2

by | Jan 18, 2021 | biblical counseling

This is Part Two of a two-part series on overcoming a phobia. In the first part, we learned that germaphobia, which has been in the spotlight since the pandemic began, is one of thousands of phobias.

A phobia, a word that comes from the Greek “phobos,” is the irrational fear of something that poses little or no actual danger. Part One considered the prevalence and types of phobias, as well as their signs and symptoms. This part looks at biblical solutions to overcoming a phobia.

The original article appeared here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition. It was been updated.

An Invitation

Are you sick of fear? If so please contact me for a complimentary phone consult to see how biblical counseling through Telehealth would help you. I’ve counseled thousands of women and their families via Telehealth and Skype since 2008 worldwide. Biblical counseling by video is effective, affordable, and convenient.

Steps Toward Victory

Christian speaker and author Patty Clairmont battled agoraphobia for 17 years, beginning in her teens. Her fear became so overwhelming that she was afraid to leave her bed. A professing Christian, she prayed to Jesus and was led by the Spirit (Gal. 5:18) to take small steps toward victory over her fear habit, beginning with reading and memorizing Scripture.

Repeatedly giving in to fear reinforces and intensifies the fear, resulting in habits that have become an ingrained manner of life. Conversely, loving God and others by replacing fear with love leads to victory over a phobia.

Sometimes, a phobia is short-lived; sometimes, it may afflict a person for decades. In either case, the lasting, biblical solution is to renew our minds with the truth of God’s Word and to learn to trust Him with our anxiety, even with a phobia.

Here are some steps that will help in overcoming an irrational fear, whether germaphobia or another specific phobia, the fear of public speaking (a type of social phobia), or agoraphobia (the fear of fear).

1. Be Realistic

The fear habit is ingrained in the way we think, feel, and act. It takes time to change this habit. So be persistent. Also, make an action plan in which the counselee renews his or her mind through Scripture and commits to exposure to the feared object or situation, a bit at a time.

2. Do the Basics

Get adequate sleep (about 7-9 hours daily for most of us), eat nutritious foods, drink ample water, avoid caffeine and alcohol, and exercise regularly. A medical checkup may be wise, too.

3. Renew Your Mind

Reduce the intake of all negative and anxiety-producing inputs from music, television (including news programs), the internet, video games, and reading materials, and replace them with God-honoring alternatives, especially the Bible and hymns.

4. Pray

The apostle Paul provides a prayer prescription for freedom from anxiety: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Phil. 4:6). When we respond to the intense fear of a phobia with thankful prayer, peace replaces anxiety.

Remember, God promises to be with every believer (Heb. 13:5-6) and to provide what we need to endure the temptation to succumb to irrational fear (1 Cor. 10:13).

5. Replace Lies with Truth (Further Mind Renewal)

How you feel and act is a product of your thinking. When you think godly thoughts, godly emotions and behavior follow. “As (a person) thinks within himself, so he is” (Prov. 23:7, NAS).

To this end, I encourage my counselees to use a Thought-Emotion-Action journal in which they identify a lie, such as “I just cannot take any more” with the truth: “Whatever I am facing, God’s grace is sufficient for me.” As the truth replaces lies, they experience a welcome change in their emotions (from fear to calm) and in their behavior (from avoidance to constructive action).

6. Act On What You Know To Be True

At Biblical Counseling Center, where I am a counselor of women and families via online video, we often say “faith is believing the Word of God and acting upon it, no matter how I feel, knowing that God promises a good result.”

When I finally faced my phobia of highway driving head-on, I had to make a choice to believe God’s promises regarding His care for me even if I had a panic attack. You can read about it in my mini-book Help! I Get Panic Attacks. I also intentionally concentrated on the spiritual disciplines of Bible reading, Scripture memorization, prayer, listening to and singing hymns, and having fellowship with other believers. I made an action plan of progressively tackling more difficult highway driving over time.

7. Practice Biblical Meditation

As Paul Tautges describes in Anxiety: Knowing God’s Peace, biblical meditation involves talking to ourselves—doing what the psalmist does in Psalm 116:7: Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with me. When we remember God’s kindness toward us, our faith strengthens.

Tautges advises that we call on the Lord when we are in distress. Our battle with the irrational fear of a phobia cannot be passive. To overcome a phobia, you must intentionally “lean into God as your trustworthy caregiver and cultivate a heart of thanksgiving.” In so doing, fear fades “in comparison to the peace that is found in Jesus.

Overcoming a Phobia, Part 1

Overcoming a Phobia, Part 1

by | Jan 14, 2021 | biblical counseling

Did you know that nearly one in ten Americans have a phobia? (Check this out.)

Since the pandemic began, germs have been at the center of our national conversation. Now it is coupled with the political turmoil of our day. All the talk about COVID-19 has created anxiety in many people; and it’s no wonder—this microorganism that causes the disease is invisible, silent, and sometimes deadly.

The pandemic has targeted its terror on germaphobes, that is people who have germaphobia (also spelled germophobia). However, people with an intense fear of germs have a lot of company; there are millions of us who have a phobia of some sort.

Take courage. You can overcome a phobia.

We will consider the prevalence and type of phobias and their signs and symptoms in Part One of this two-part series and then discuss biblical solutions in Part Two. It appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition and has been updated.

Thousands of Phobias!

Germaphobia is one of many thousands of phobias. Here is a long list of them.

What they have in common is an intense, irrational fear of something that poses little or no actual danger. The word phobia comes from the Greek word “phobos,” which means fear or terror. For instance, hydrophobia literally means the fear of water, aerophobia is the fear of flying, and glossophobia is the fear of public speaking or of speaking in general.

In Scripture, phobos has two primary meanings: sometimes, it is positive and speaks of awe or respect, as in Acts 2:43, but usually, it refers to withdrawal from the Lord’s will. Here is an example of the latter: “They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!” (Mark 4:41, NIV).

Types of Phobias

DSM-5, used by health professionals to describe and diagnose mental health conditions, lists phobias in categories: specific phobias, social anxiety disorder (formerly social phobias), and agoraphobia.

While DSM-5 describes phobias and other anxieties, it falls short in addressing the deepest needs of the human heart and soul. Therefore, counselors who desire to minister to the heart of people they counsel offer remedies that differ from the medical mainstream. As a biblical counselor, my goal is to point fellow strugglers to the changeless truth of God’s Word, which speaks to fear and how to handle it biblically, the topic of Part Two of this article.

Specific phobias zero in on one fear like the fear of germs. Other common specific phobias are fear of heights, elevators, dentists, and thunderstorms. The National Institute of Mental Health reported that 9.1 percent of U.S. adults had a specific phobia in the past year and that 12.5 percent of U.S. adults experience a specific phobia at some point in their lives.

Social anxiety disorder (formerly called social phobia) involves fear of embarrassment or humiliation in situations where you may be noticed or scrutinized. Common social phobias are fear of crowds, fear of spilling food while eating in public, and, of course, fear of public speaking.

Agoraphobia is the mother of all phobias, as it has been described as “the fear of fear.” Folks with this phobia often avoid grocery stores, movie theaters, restaurants, and public transportation. Approximately 0.9 percent of U.S. adults had agoraphobia in the past year, with the degree of their problem varying from mild (28.7%) to moderate (30.7%) to serious (40.6%).

Signs and Symptoms of a Phobia

Someone with a phobia may experience mild apprehension toward the feared object or situation or may have a full-blown panic attack. Bodily sensations of a phobia may include these:

  • difficulty breathing
  • a racing heart
  • chest tightness
  • perspiration
  • trembling
  • tingling in the hands and feet
  • nausea.

Emotional effects of a phobia include fear of losing control or going crazy and feeling an intense need to escape. The more symptoms, the greater the fear and the greater the likelihood that panic attacks may develop.

I describe a specific phobia of highway driving that led to my experience of panic attacks in my mini-book Help! I Get Panic Attacks.

An Invitation

Are you sick of fear? If so please contact me for a complimentary phone consult to see if biblical counseling through Telehealth would help you. I’ve counseled women and their families by Telehealth and Skype since 2008 all over the world. I’d love to help you too. Biblical counseling by video is effective, affordable, and convenient.

Is Your Brain Squishy?

Is Your Brain Squishy?

by | Oct 23, 2020 | biblical counseling, emotions

Is your brain squishy?

My counselor friend Shannon put into words what I’d been feeling for months: brain fog. Do you know what I mean? Poor concentration, inability to focus, and … trouble getting motivated.

It’s been ridiculously hard to get going these past few months. Just putting on clean socks is an awe-inspiring accomplishment, right? Almost everyone’s brain has become squishy!

WHAT HELPS TO UN-SQUISH YOUR BRAIN:

1. Name the problem.
2. Use your God-given wisdom to move forward.

Name the problem.

We all are living through the health CRISIS called coronavirus as well as its spinoffs (business closures, school interruptions, political chaos, riots, et cetera). The resulting stress contributes to mental fatigue, increased anxiety, irritability, sadness, feeling “off” — that is, a squishy brain!

The Webster’s New World Dictionary defines crisis as “a turning point in the course of anything, a decisive or crucial time, stage, or event.”

Use your God-given wisdom to move forward. 

By definition, people in crisis are beyond their normal ability to cope. At the very least, people in crisis need safety, rest, and support.

SAFETY

SAFETY: Perhaps you or a loved one became unemployment or fear becoming infected with the coronavirus. Either way, life seems risky and unpredictable. You feel unsafe. Three small actions you might take:

  • Ask a trustworthy friend to isten as you share your fears.
  • Daily do a simple positive action, such as making the bed or taking a walk.
  • Memorize a verse in the Bible, maybe this one …

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep: for you along, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

REST

REST: Good sleep and regular downtime keep us sane, but it may seem impossible to shut off intrusive thoughts, right? The last place to find peace, however, is social media. Mindless scrolling adds to stress. 

My counselees Susan in Texas,  Kelsey in the Midwest, and Allie on the East Coast each heeded my counsel and took a social media hiatus, and their anxiety dropped like a rock. Better sleep, more smiles, less worry. But another counselee kept giving in to the temptation to check Instagram and Facebook, to her detriment.

SUPPORT

SUPPORT: Don’t go it alone. Even seeing people in masks may add to the disconnect. So how do we get support in a crisis, especially a health crisis? Counterintuitively, we get support as we give it!

One of my counselees, who lives in Ontario and is a new Christian, began attending a new church via lifestream and reached out to the church secretary, and they’ve become prayer partners!

Remember, you are not alone. The Lord is with you, helping you conquer your fear.

Giving hope and help, anywhere and anytime,
Dr. Lucy Ann Moll

P.S. Do you need help in your struggles? Contact me to set up a free phone consult.

Afraid? A Method to Calm Your Fear

Afraid? A Method to Calm Your Fear

by | Aug 29, 2020 | emotions

When fear gets the upper hand, and we struggle to know what to do, it may help to have a plan in place. This method helps to calm your anxious feelings that flow from your thoughts. Does it “work” every time you’re afraid? No, of course not. Will is help you understand your emotion and learn how to respond to it wisely? Yes!

MAIN POINT: We can learn to conquer fear as we trust God and apply his truth to our minds. 

This article appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Center, where I am on staff providing counseling by video to people all over the world.

Where fear flourishes, there your heart will be also.1 

From a mild sense of unease to full-blown panic, fear is an emotion most of us would rather live without. It communicates that someone or something we care about is being threatened or that we might lose it. Fear shows us what we value most.

Consider these three folks who are afraid.

In each case, try to figure out what they each value most.

  • Dolores’s elderly mother has dementia and is in the memory care unit of a health facility, which so far has kept its patients and workers safe from COVID-19. Nonetheless, she loses sleep worrying night after night, fearing for her mother’s well-being.
  • Breanna has packed her high school schedule with advanced placement and dual-credit classes, hoping to gain admission to a high-ranking university. She fears her friends might make fun of her if she attends a community college.
  • John just learned that his company is hiring new workers in his department and is wondering if he’ll be laid off. If he lost his job, how would he make rent and pay utilities?

Fear is very real, and it can keep us from functioning in our daily lives. So how can we calm our fears?

1. Identify your emotion as fear.

Sometimes, identifying an emotion is not as easy as it sounds. You may feel uneasy or nervous or freaked out; you may also feel overwhelmed or hurt. Is fear the most accurate descriptor?

If you’re not sure, ask yourself if you feel like pulling away from people or clinging to them. This reaction is a hallmark of fear: it prods us to seek safety, security, and certainty.

EXAMPLES: A teen who’s afraid of getting judged by friends at church may decide to skip the in-person service and watch the live stream instead; A guy who fears that his girlfriend is going to dump him may respond by showering her with gifts and sending her one text after another.

2. Examine your fear like a scientist.

Once you’ve identified your emotion as fear, examine what is going on by asking yourself a host of questions (you may discover it helps to write down your answers):

Is there a place connected to the fear? Perhaps it is linked to your workplace or to a room in your home, or a place in your town. For the longest time, after I was attacked by a dog at age 8, I could not walk down Bellforte Avenue, near where it happened. Just going near that street caused my heart to pound like a drum.

Is there a certain time that unnerves you? Some of us don’t like a certain holiday or the anniversary of a family member’s death date because it brings uneasy memories of painful events.

Is there a type of activity or a particular person linked to the fear you feel? One of the people I counseled told me she becomes greatly alarmed when she hears sirens. She connects the sound of them to the untimely death of her baby.

3. Evaluate your fear.

Begin by considering your reaction. Ask yourself, is my reaction godly and constructive, or is it sinful and destructive? An example of constructive concern is studying for an algebra exam. You want a good grade so you memorize formulas and rework problems until you are confident you know the material.

In a similar way, David in the Old Testament had a constructive reaction when he faced Goliath (1 Sam. 17). He chose the best weapon for him to defeat the giant (a sling and five smooth stones), and he came in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, who had promised victory over the Philistines. His courageous reaction to Goliath sharply contrasted the reaction of the army of Israel, who cowered in fear.

Biblical truth gives us reason to hope and teaches us to turn to God. “No matter what the danger or what we are valuing, God can be trusted with our treasures, and every fear ought to drive us straight toward the Lord in prayer, obedience, and fellowship!” [2]

Next, ask yourself how likely it is that what you fear will actually happen? Let’s say you fear that a routine medical exam might suggest the presence of cancer. Consider the likeliness of a bad result; while possible, it is very low, and worrying about it would be a waste of your energy (Matt. 6:34).

Finally, ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen? When my relatively new refrigerator needed repair for the third time three months in a row, I asked myself this exact question and realized that the worst was the hassle of another repair or getting another fridge, which was under warranty (thankfully). My evaluation gave me a sense of relief, not dread.

4. Act wisely in response to your emotion.

When you identify, examine, and evaluate your fear, you may come to a realization that it was not a big deal after all.

Conversely, you may detect a troubling pattern. For instance, you may notice you have a tendency to worry, to look to people for their approval, to avoid certain situations (e.g., riding an elevator) for fear of a panic attack, and so on.

In any case, it is wise to act in response to fear in godly ways. Here are a few of them:

Train yourself to turn to Scripture. A few excellent passages to read regularly are Phil. 4:4-9, Matt. 6:25-34, Luke 12:22-34, Psalm 23, and Psalm 27.

Practice deep breathing and other healthy habits. Inhaling and exhaling slowly helps us to relax. Other healthy habits are giving yourself ample time to get from place to place, unplugging from the internet, and steering clear of computer screens late in the day, which may interrupt sleep. Additionally, you might incorporate or begin regular exercise (as always, check with your doctor), good nutrition, and a bedtime routine. You’ve already heard healthy tips; decide which one you’ll begin to make a habit.

Face your fears wisely. Are you afraid to ask your boss for a raise? Are you avoiding a family member who unnerves you? Does the idea of flying in an airplane cause your heart to skip a beat? To face your fears wisely, be sure to examine and evaluate them, and have a thought-out plan. Discuss your plan with a trusted Christian friend and loved ones who can support you. You may also consider talking with a biblical counselor.

Hope for a Peace-Filled Life

What you fear need not rule your life. A method to calm your fears helps you to understand that fear reveals your treasure and provides a plan to identify, examine, and evaluate it and to respond to it wisely in accordance with Scripture.

When you handle this negative emotion in the right way, your trust in God increases, and others will begin to ask you the secret that the Apostle Paul had come to know.

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Phil. 4:9).

[1] This quote comes from the excellent book Untangling Emotions by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith (Wheaton, IL: Crossway), 2019, 153. It is a play on Matthew 6:21, which reads, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” The book presents an identify-examine-evaluate-act approach to engaging every emotion. I highly recommend it to those who provide and receive counseling.

[2] Ibid., 160.

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