by Lucy | Sep 20, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions
When you hurt someone’s feelings, is it enough to say “I’m sorry”?
Or do these words fall flat when spoken without godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10)? Is there a preferred alternative? Is so, what?
Years ago these questions swirled in my mind when one of my children called her sibling a name, snatched an item without permission, or smacked her on the head.
In this short article, I’ll share. . .
- an experiment that flopped
- the change that made the difference.
The main point: Don’t raise a little pharisee who knows the right words to say.
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Instead, train up a child to who desires to please the Lord.
The ‘I’m Sorry’ Method
Several Christian moms at my church, Bible study, and MOPS swore by a method to change their dear children’s behavior after a skirmish.
Picture this scenario: Carrie tiptoes into older sister Mary’s closet and snags a super cool top to wear. Later Mary sees Carrie at school in her top and pointed words fly like daggers. Later at home their mom learns of the problem and tells the swiper to return the top and say “I’m sorry” followed by “I forgive you” from the other sister, then they hug. She requires both girls to say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” for the mean words, and they hug again.
The mom in the scenario truly believes she’s getting to the root of the problem and that the girls learned a valuable lesson about taking without asking first and using hateful words. Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How did you discipline your kids?
My Experiment
Sort of hopeful (but not confident) this method would work, I tried a week-long experiment with my three children. I clued in my husband. A united front, right?
The plan: When one child was mean in some way to another, the offending kid had to say, “I’m sorry” whether or not she felt sorry. The offended kid had to say, “I forgive you” whether or not she truly forgave her — and they hugged.
The goal: to instill a humble, contrite spirit leading to true repentance. But did it work?
Ah, no.
Laura called Julia a name, said “I’m sorry” while rolling her eyes, and Julia said “I forgive you” with great enthusiasm, bless her heart. Their hug resembled a vice grip you might witness on WWE. Within minutes John hit Julia in the face with a bouncy ball. It was an accident.
“I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you.”
Vice-grip hug.
Those two began throwing things at each other just to get to the vice-grip hug. Laura was “like whatever” and escaped to her bedroom.
When a lamp crashed and a cat flew out of the way, I stopped the experiment. I could not handle another six days!
The experiment flopped.
My children said the right words without an inkling of repentance. I was raising vice-grip loving, little Pharisees!
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Change That Makes the Difference
The real point behind genuine sorrow is repentance. Wordly sorrow is fakery; it’s death.
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death (2 Corninthians 7:10).
“Sorrow,” in this context, refers to sorrow that is according to the will of God and produced by the Holy Spirit, says pastor John MacArthur whose Grace to You media ministry reaches millions. True repentance is impossible apart from genuine sorrow over one’s sin.
This was my problem and my kids’ problem: The “I’m sorry” were just words, not genuine sorrow.
Worldly sorrow has no redeeming value. This type of “I’m sorry” results from getting caught in a sin or from wounded pride, and leads to shame, despair, self-pity, and even death (see Mattew 27:3 for the account of Judas’ hanging).
Genuine repentance is at the very heart of one’s salvation. Believers repent of their sin continually as they turn from loveless thoughts, words, behaviors, and motivations and turn to God.
A person who is truly repentant experiences change in the inner person. Consider this:
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. (Matthew 15:18-19, NIV)
The Pharisees were experts in “good” behavior–as my children became adept at saying “I’m sorry” and vice-grip hugs–and missed heart change. True repentance cuts to the heart.
An Offer
Are your kids (young or older) driving you nuts? Do you need encouragment and godly counsel? Consider scheduling a free 15-minute phone call with me; contact me and we’ll set it up.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Sep 8, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Abortion stories are very rarely shared in most churches today.
Christian women are far more likely to admit depression or anxiety, a rebellious kid, or a troubled marriage.
Last year’s undercover videos of Planned Parenthood got everyone talking about the horrific selling baby parts after abortion. It set social media on fire. My heart hurt as I heard of the sale of livers and kidneys and craniums.
And my heart hurts. . .for the women and girls who’ve had abortions.
I am privileged to know Tiffany Stuart, a blogger and a wonderful women who shares her abortion story at Tea with Tiffany. God is using her ministry to educate women and to bring healing to those who’ve ended their pregnancies and feel horrible, empty, numb, angry, depressed, and unforgivable. Her voice offers healing words.
It Could Happen to Anyone
Lynn was just 17. College bound. A steady boyfriend. And a missed period, then another.
Did you know that every year in the U.S., there are roughly 1 million abortions? 1.5 percent of abortions are pregnancies from rape or incest. Lynn’s boyfriend drove her to the clinic and paid for the abortion.
“I’m so scared,” she confided to me. (Names have been changed.)
We were close friends, Lynn and me. After “it” was over, we never spoke of her abortion. Like it never happened. Back then I had believed the “right to choose” propaganda, and if an abortion was right for Lynn, then fine. Just get it over with and move on right? Right?
If it were that easy, why did we never speak of it again? Ever. Were we. . .
Ignorant?
Ashamed?
Prideful?
I didn’t know then what I know now: Women who have abortions are in desperate need of emotional and spiritual healing.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV)
Honestly, if I had known the devastation to women, I would not have helped my friend get an abortion. In fact, I would have yelled, screamed, laid down in front of her car, anything but stay silent.
The workers at Planned Parenthood had told Lynn that her unborn baby was a blob of tissue.
They are wrong. She was wrong. I was wrong. We know better now, don’t we?
Breaking the Silence in Churches
If you want to help make your church a safe place to share painful secrets of abortion, start with prayer. Ask God to bring a hurting woman into your life. If you’ve had an abortion, ask God to send you a compassionate woman whom you can trust.
Here are warm words for compassionate friends and hurting women.
Dear compassionate friend, the hurting woman won’t tell you her pain at first. She needs to know she can trust you. She needs to know you won’t condemn her.
The Bible says,
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1, NIV)
Dear hurting woman, are you afraid to tell a friend about your abortion? If you haven’t experienced healing, you need to reach out. Do you feel nervous or angry around babies and children? Sorrowful? This sorrow may show up as uncharacteristic silence. These are signs you need healing.
Dear compassionate friend, offer her hope. She must learn that nothing can separate her from God’s love. Show her this verse in the Bible:
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39, NIV)
Dear hurting woman, you’ll find peace when you reconcile with God, with yourself and with others. If you haven’t already, talk with God and agree with him that you made a bad decision. Ask for his forgiveness. He will give it to you. At Calvary Jesus paid for all of your sins–past, present and future. However, you do not need to forgive yourself. No where in Scripture are we commanded to do this. God’s forgiveness is all that matters.
Dear compassionate friend, help the hurting woman reconcile with others when possible by speaking the truth in love to people who had a role in the abortion. They may have sinned against her, or she against them. Guide her in these difficult conversations.
Dear hurting woman, do you need a healing way to remember your loss? If you desire, write a poem or draw or sculpt, or memorize a scripture verse, to remember God’s loving-kindness toward you.
If anyone reading these words had an abortion, may you wrap yourself is the truth that God loves you and is for you. Why not talk with him? He’s waiting with open, gentle arms.
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Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Jun 2, 2016 | emotions, relationships
Forgiveness is often tough, isn’t it? When you forgive someone who has hurt you, it may feel like you are letting the other person off the hook. (You aren’t.)
What’s worse than not forgiving someone? Holding on to unforgiveness!
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Dr. David Jeremiah says, “Someone has described unforgiveness as the accumulation of unexpressed anger Because it is denied, it can often be ignored, while all the time it is building and growing like an invisible tumor.”
Unforgiveness becomes bitterness. You don’t want bitterness to take root: it entangles you and suffocates you like a giant boa constrictor. The apostle Paul encouraged:
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32, ESV)
Choosing Forgiveness
“Forgiveness is not a method to be learned as much as a truth to be lived,” writes Nancy Leigh DeMoss in Choosing Forgiveness, Your Journey to Freedom (Moody Publishers, 2008).
Unfaithful spouses. Gossiping friends. Wayward kids. Nasty neighbors. Unfair teacher, employers, coworkers. This world gives you and me many opportunities to grant forgiveness. Did you know many women who seek counseling also need to extend and accept forgiveness? It’s a huge issue.
If you’ve lived in unforgiveness — a dark, uncomfortable place where you’ve hidden your heart — isn’t it time to step into light and experience freedom through Christ?
12 Things to You Must Know
1. Forgiveness is both a choice and a process.
2. Make a decision to give up anger.
3. Pray to be made willing to forgive.
4. Feel your feelings in a safe place, with a safe person.
5. To say, “I forgive,” but never feel your pain denies the truth.
6. To feel your pain, anger, and sadness but never choose forgiveness hurts you.
7. Ask for grace both to feel and to forgive.
8. Read Jesus’ words on forgiveness. To get you started, check out Matthew 9:2, Matthew 12:31, Mark 3:29, Luke 23:34, John 20:23,
9. To forgive is not to condone
10. To forgive is not to excuse.
11. To forgive doesn’t mean you don’t matter.
12. Trust God for justice.
When you forgive, you let go of your supposed right to get even. Why not let go of the hurt after you share your pain with Jesus. . .and be free?
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Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Apr 9, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions |
After a mistake that hurts someone, isn’t it mind boggling that you can have forever forgiveness?
This forever forgiveness is an amazing gift Jesus gives to those who love him.
Jesus says all your mistakes (i.e., your ugly sin) are forgiven — past, present, and future.
Tomorrow’s jealous glance at the neighbor’s shiny Lexus? Forgiven. Next month’s hurtful words? Forgiven.A lie a year from now? Forgiven. Cheating on your taxes in 2023? Forgiven.
Even Future Sins?
Yes.
When Jesus obeyed his heavenly Father, went to the cross, and died for the sins of the world (John 3:16), every single one of your mistakes was in the future. Long, long before you blossomed to life and snuggled deep in your momma’s womb.
Before you ever thought to swipe the car keys without permission. Or inhale a funny, sweet smelling cigarette. Or read erotica.
What Are the 3 Things to Do?
1. When your ugly is against another person, go to her and ask her (or his) forgiveness.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
As appropriate, pay for what you broke or lost and otherwise make good. Admit you lied or gossipped or cheated. Yes, this means replacing the cute shoes you wrecked too. And the dark chocolate you snatched without asking.
No worries that you might forget a sin against another person. The Holy Spirit will lovingly point out your grievance and encourage and strengthen you to act in accordance with who you are in Christ.
2. When your ugly is against God — and all sins are against God — genuinely thank Jesus. Thank him for dying in your place so you could have eternal life. (Romans 3:10).
3. Then do a spiritual U-turn. A 180 degree turn. You were headed off the cliff. God helped you think rightly and you’re walking away from sin and toward holiness. Tell Jesus that you were not acting like a child of the Most High God when you messed up big time. Even a little sin stands sequoia high next to our holy God.
One More Thing
God knows. He gets it. He loves you. You are forgiven.
Huge, this cross. Amazing, his sacrifice.
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by Lucy | Feb 24, 2015 | biblical counseling, biblical counseling |
In this “Ask the Counselor,” a counselee asked me a personal question. We had counseled for a couple months — and topics like emotional adultery, porn, addiction, same-sex attraction had woven into our conversations.
{BONUS: Grab the download at the end of this post. It’ll help you COMMUNICATE well and wonderfully!}
I appreciated her candor, and even more, her willingness to change and to love God and neighbor, so her question flowed fresh like a Colorado stream.
Q: “What do you do, Lucy, when you mess up big? I mean, HUGE.”
A: I sent her a personal message that I’d like to share with you with her permission. Messing up big happens among believers. Jesus’ gift of salvation paid the debt we owed, that I owed. You see, we’re in process. The church-y word for this process is sanctification.
Three examples:
King David had sex with a married woman and arranged for the murder of her husband. 2 Samuel 11
Rahab ran a brothel. Joshua 2
Saul (later Paul) went a killing spree of Christ followers. Acts 8:1
Yes. We mess up BIG.
Yes. God loves you in your monstrous mistakes.
My Answer (where I spill my guts):
Typically, when I mess up big time, first I yell at myself:
Lucy, you are so stupid. Such an idiot. What will people think? God must hate me.”
Then, after falling into a pit of self-pity and self-despair (note emphasis on self), I sometimes buy myself a bottle of Chardonnay to numb my pain. Dumb, I know. Sinful, yes. I sense a nudge. The nudge is gentle. I know it’s God.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to hear him say, “LOSER!” Another nudge. Gentle. So gentle that I. . .
. . .dare to believe God really does love me though I messed up big. Really big. Skyscraper big.
And I Remind Myself
I remind myself that God is Love. I look up, eyes on Jesus. My heart bows in worship. “Wisdom, Lord, I need wisdom,” I whisper. “You promise to give wisdom to those who ask and I am asking. Now. I need your wisdom. I need you.”
If I can, I make amends. This is scary for me because I don’t like to admit my messes. The Bible calls it pride. I think about seeking forgiveness from the one I harmed. God nudges. I obey. . .usually.
God and I have a chat. I try to listen. Listening is a skill I’m learning and he shows me that he is the Way and the Truth and the Life. I feel sorrow. My godly sorrow leads to repentance. Again, I may drag my feet. Perhaps this is my new nickname: Foot-dragger. Another nudge. Gentle. Persistent. I receive God’s grace gift. And I repent of my big-time mess:
“God, you are God and I am not. I am sorry for my sin and I thank you for your forgiveness. I repent of sinning against you. Help me to trust and obey you. I need your help. I need you. Praise be your most holy name. Amen.”
As I shared my answer with my counselee, I hoped she’d see that I’m a fellow traveler and that I am NOT a know-it-all. I am broken by my messes and awed by God’s beauty. It’s not about me. My eyes focus best on God.
A Word of Hope
Friends, if my words touched your heart, please know that we believers, who are in Christ, have a great God who loves to bless us. He blesses us in many, many way. The sky is not the limit for him. By golly, he made the sky.
He may bless through bounty or by not giving you what you want. He knows what’s best for you and wants to give you the very best. His purpose isn’t to make you happy here on this earth; he desires something much, much better for you: to grow you up into the likeness of his Son and our Savior, Jesus.
This is true happiness — loving God, loving others, admit when you’re wrong, and don’t beat yourself up.
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photo credit: ashley rose, via photopin cc
