Dealing with the NEW four-letter word: FEAR

Dealing with the NEW four-letter word: FEAR

FEAR. It’s the new four-letter word. It began long, long before 9/11, school shootings, and the controversy over our current president. Flip through the first pages of the Bible, and see its ugliness from the Fall to today.

In this brief article, you’ll discover:

  1. Fear often has its start in childhood.
  2. There’s a biblical solution to fear.

Fear usually begins early.

When fear begins early, it often takes on one of two main forms. For women: fear of rejection and abandonment creeps  For men: the fear of failure.

worthless

For me, my fear of rejection goes back to my childhood. My mom was often sad and chain-smoked. And my dad was present physically but absent emotionally. And so, like many of my counselees, seeds of difficulty began sprouting early. We biblical counselors call these “sharing influences.” Yes, these shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions. However, they do not determine them.

My dad didn’t do anything horrible to me. He just didn’t notice me, really. And he never smiled. But I hoped to make him happy. In fact, I longed for his acceptance.

What about you? What triggered your fear of abandonment?

When we try to control fear, it’s likely we’ll feel discouraged.

We each have ways of handling fear, right? But our solutions usually backfire.

My well-meant but messed-up solution: control. I attepted to control my to try to control him by being the perfect little girl who never got in trouble and brought home excellent report cards and who did everything right.

I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

And I felt sad.

Only much later did I learn he suffer manic-depression. Still, my fear of abandonment lingered.

God provides a better way.

God wants you to experience success, according to His definition. That is, he wants you to become more like Christ. God has planned that those who love Him “be conformed to the likeness of His Son” (Romans 8:29). Since Jesus is in us, and we in Him, we have confidence that no matter what happens–a home foreclosure, a child’s bad report card, illness, even the death of a loved one–He is with us and helps us.

Please know that everyone struggles with fear. You are not alone. Learning to defeat fear requires a shift in focus. So rather than focus on self, love God and love people more than their approval.

So now what?

  1. Recognize God is sovereign over your fears. He knows your struggle and helps you. So look to Him.  Jesus lovingly commands, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry. . .” (Matthew 6:33-34a).
  2. Choose to love people more than their approval. The apostle Paul wrote, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

Please remember that becoming more like Christ is a life-long process. Keep taking  one step then another.

AN OFFER: I meet with women nearly every day by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom and help them find godly solutions to the problems they face. If you’d like a complimentary phone consult to see if biblical counseling is a good fit for you, simply contact me. NO spam, promise. 

 

Rewrite the Ending to an Anxious Life

Rewrite the Ending to an Anxious Life

Does your anxious life need a rewrite?

No one’s life turns out according to plan. Not yours. Not mine. Would you rewrite parts of your anxiety-dotted story? Whatever our past, God can use it all. 

Here’s a short introduction of why I embrace biblical counseling wholeheartedly and how it can help you make sense of your story too. Later this week, you’ll learn of my new book I wrote: HELP! I Get Panic Attacks. You can pre-order it here on Amazon.

Wonderfully, the all-knowing Author composed every detail of our lives, putting us right where he wanted us, giving grace to face whatever came our way. So here I am, a grandma and a doctoral student, meeting hurting women all over the world through the technology of video-conferencing. I am shepherding their anxious hearts with compassion and the timeless truth of Scripture.

Shepherding women’s hearts sounds like a happy chapter in a full life, right? It is. But it comes by way of pain, as do many good things: a difficult childhood, panic attacks in my twenties and thirties, and finally a calling to counsel with care.

Childhood, Interrupted

Climbing trees, doing cartwheels, and going to school—these activities filled my days. My older brother and I got along all right, but my mom seemed preoccupied much of the time, chain smoking and watching “Day of Our Lives” and game shows. My dad rarely smiled. This saddened me.

Things got scary on “the night of the twisted chairs.” There was yelling and crying in the living room and when I went to check, my mom and brother shooed me to my bedroom. My dad had gone berserk, tossing and bending chairs.

The next day my parents’ psychiatrist met them at the hospital, and my dad eventually received the diagnosis of manic depression, which is the old term for bipolar 1. I remember thinking, “I’m the daughter of a psychotic.” Melodramatic? Yes! I was 14 and confused and hurting.

I learned I was vulnerable and had little control. But I eventually understood that God knows what he is doing even when I don’t.

God Shows Up

High school and college swooshed by. I switched my major from psychology to journalism, met my future husband, graduated, and married. One day I went to the library for books on decorating but came home with a thin volume called Basic Christianity by John Stott. I read it in a few hours.

Convicted that I was a hopeless sinner, I confessed my need of the Savior and received Jesus by faith alone. This is not what you’d expect of a good Catholic girl, is it? God had better plans. That God would have mercy on me rocked my world. He changed my life from the inside.

A few years later, my world turned upside down again. Out of nowhere, it seemed, panic attacked me and my heart beat triple-time, sweat beaded my forehead, and my knees felt wobbly like Jell-O. Long story short, my faith in Jesus and help from my doctor pointed me in the right direction. Retraining my thoughts by the Word, and lots of practice, provided what I needed to overcome panic attacks. (I share my story and solutions to panic in my mini-book Help! I Get Panic Attacks, now available to order.)

Through this trial, I learned God is with me, especially in terrifying panic, and changing me into the likeness of Christ.

A Call, Answered

Three children later, I was back in school studying pastoral care to women online through Western Seminary in Portland, OR, answering a call to shepherd the hearts of hurting Christian women. My hope: to reach the women at church and in the community, who don’t get involved in women’s Bibles studies, teas, and retreats … because they are hurting.

Later I discovered a book by Jay Adams, the founder of the modern biblical counseling movement, and got biblical counseling training too. Five years ago, I joined Biblical Counseling Center’s staff, continuing to shepherd hurting women and families in person and online.

And forever a student, crazy me is on schedule to receive my doctorate in biblical counseling in May from Birmingham Theological Seminary. I tease my husband that soon he’ll have to call me Doctor Lucy. He thinks that’s funny.

I and many biblical counselors anchor our ministries on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

This post appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Center, where she’s been a staff counselor for over five years, first in the Chicago area and now in Alabama, providing convenient and competent care online by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom. It has been edited for space. –Ed.

 

Dementia: Hope for the Caregiver

Dementia: Hope for the Caregiver

My in-laws are in their 80s and slowing down, but don’t have dementia. Maybe they’ll develop this memory cognitive disorder. Maybe they won’t. 

But I have had the opportunity of counseling folks whose loved ones have these life-stealing, memory-dimming cognitive disorder. And the church needs to be ready. Yesterday. My article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission.

How is your church helping the caregivers of dementia sufferers?

When you hear the word dementia, what first pops into your mind? Old age? Alzheimer’s? Nursing homes? The high cost of care? No one likes to talk about dementia. Nobody wants to have dementia. Still, biblical counselors need to know about it because chances are they will counsel a person with dementia or, more likely, family members who provide care.

In brief, dementia is a cognitive disorder. The affected person’s thinking ability gradually deteriorates. It interferes with judgment and memory and also can create confusion, fear, and irritation.

There are several types of dementia. The best known is Alzheimer’s, which was experienced by former president Ronald Reagan.

Dementia Statistics

In 1900, people aged 65 or older made up 4 percent of the U.S. population. In 1980, this number nearly tripled to11 percent of the population. Do you know the estimate for the year 2030? 22 percent – almost a quarter of the population![1] And the “geriatric” slice of pie keeps growing.

Obviously, not every person aged 65 and older develops dementia (like my parents and in-laws). In fact, researchers found that just over 1 percent of those from 65 to 74 have this cognitive disorder. The percentage jumps to nearly 4 percent for ages 75 to 84 and rises to about 10 percent of folks over 85.

However, some researchers estimate that dementia of the Alzheimer’s type may affect nearly half of those at the older end of this spectrum.

Secular Understanding of Dementia

The secular term for dementia in the DSM-5 is “neurocognitive disorder” that progressively worsens. It is specified by severity. A person with a “mild” case needs help with some activities of daily living, such as housework. A person with a “moderate” case needs help with basics like dressing and eating. And a person with a “severe” case is fully dependent on others for almost everything.

Consider Hank. At age 66, he took a job as a greeter at a big box store. He was a retired accountant and a smart guy. When he started as a greeter, he memorized the locations of many of the items in the store so he could direct customers. But nearly a year into the job, his memory noticeably slipped. His solution? To write information in a small notebook to help him remember things. But then he began forgetting to shave and to get to work on time.

His daughter brought him to a doctor for an evaluation of his cognitive ability. Using the Medical Model, the doctor ordered tests including a blood workup and an MRI, and they ruled out illnesses and conditions other than what his daughter feared most: major neurocognitive disorder due to possible Alzheimer’s disease.

In the Medical Model, a doctor might prescribe an antidepressant for his mild depression and recommend ongoing care in a nursing home.

A Biblical Approach for Dementia

Like the secular Medical Model, the biblical approach has a standard definition of dementia: decreased mental capabilities such as memory loss, inability to think abstractly, impaired decision-making, and the inability to communicate normally. The biblical approach values the contributions of physicians and considers dementia a medical condition that should be managed by a physician.[2]

In addition, the biblical approach recognizes that people with dementia and their loved ones need counseling based on biblical truth. A biblical counselor is advised to take a personal interest in a counselee with dementia and visit frequently, be sensitive to spiritual needs, and encourage him or her from Scripture.

Many Christian families may choose to care for their loved one at home rather than send them to a nursing home, if possible. We see an application of this in 1 Timothy 2:3-16, a passage that focuses on the treatment of widows. The apostle Paul says that widows first need to provide for themselves or remarry. If this isn’t possible, then the family is to help.

Finally, if the family is unable to help, then the church would provide for her needs including proper housing, clothing, and food.

“Thank You”

In his book The Art of Aging, Dr. Howard Eyrich shares an account of how their family cared for his father in their home.[3] Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, he developed a negative attitude and everything needed to be done for him – dressing, eating, and eventually toileting. Much of this care was done by his daughter-in-law, who was “on call” nearly all day every day except for those times they arranged for someone to come in.

Eyrich fondly remembers an encouraging incident before his father’s death. His father told him, “Kid, I’d be in an awful fix if it weren’t for you. Thank you.” Then a blank stare returned to his eyes.

Tending Caregivers

The wise biblical counselor also pays attention to the caregiver(s), helping them choose to believe the Word of God and apply it to their lives, no matter how they feel in the trial of dementia. Part of this includes planning, preparation, and team meetings among the family members who are providing care. Where will the loved one with dementia live? Does someone need to quit employment to provide care? And so on.

Also, a biblical counselor would demonstrate love to the family by helping to ensure that the family’s church provides emotional support and also meets physical needs. One physical need that a family will have is time to take a break. Another need might be meals delivered to the home. Still, another is for someone to fill in for the caregiver so that he or she may attend church.

The caregiver(s) too need personal biblical counseling as they consider their own heart and responses to the trial of dementia. Emotions like anger, fear, and sadness are common. It’s important that the church’s response is organized and methodical. Otherwise, the family may be forgotten and neglected.

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

One last note: The biblical approach recognizes that just because a family is willing to care for a loved one with dementia, this doesn’t mean the family should. As a biblical counselor helps family members work through these crucial questions, they may choose a suitable alternative. These might include adult daycare, hiring in-home care, or even a nursing home – all of which are costly.

Caring for a loved one with dementia doesn’t have to be a negative experience, although there will be negative experiences along the way. The Lord will enhance growth in Christlikeness as His children glorify God in thought and deed.

Questions for Reflection

Have you counseled caregivers of those experiencing dementia? How can you come alongside families like these to provide physical and emotional support?

[1] Howard Eyrich and Judy Dabler, The Art of Aging: A Christian Handbook (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2006), 112. [2] Marshall Asher and Mary Asher, The Christian’s Guide to Psychological Terms, Second Edition (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2014), 57. [3] Eyrich, The Art of Aging, 75.

Lord, Thank You! Even when the world is crazy!

Lord, Thank You! Even when the world is crazy!

A “Thank You” prayer popped up in my e-mail box, and it was exactly what I needed amid all the craziness in the world. The pray-er wrote it after a natural disaster. But your trial might be something else — a wayward child, an illness, a difficult marriage, a financial setback, or another difficulty, right? Right now, I’m dealing with some family stuff.

And so I say “thank you” to God who is always with me and loves me.

I just want to say Thank You.

Lord, I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you because this morning I woke up and knew where my children were.

And I thank you because this morning my home was still standing, because this morning I am not crying due to my husband, my child, my brother or sister needs to be recovered from underneath a pile of concrete.

Because this morning I was able to drink a glass of water, turn on the light, take a shower, and because I was not planning a funeral.

Thank You for my voice

But most of all I thank you this morning because I still have life and a voice to cry out for the people who hurt.

Lord, I cry out to you, the one that makes the impossible, possible, the one that turns darkness into light.

I cry out that you give those mothers strength, that you give them peace that surpasses all understanding.

So I pray You may open the streets so that help can come, that You may provide doctors, nurses, food, water, and all needs in a blink of an eye.

Give us peace, hope, and courage

Father, for all those that have lost family members, give them peace, give them hope, give them courage to continue to go on!

Protect the children and shield them with your love and power. I pray all this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Friends, isn’t it tough to give thanks in trials? But this is exactly what God call us to do. Consider 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

… give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

So what does this mean?

  1. We give thanks in the circumstance not necessarily for it. Who in her right mind would give thanks for a tragedy like a child’s cancer diagnosis? But we say thank you to God for being with us in our pain.
  2. As crazy as it sounds, we give thanks in all circumstances, even the hard, for they draw us to the Lord.
  3. And we know giving thanks is God’s will. No question.

 

A Daughter’s Eulogy for Dad

A Daughter’s Eulogy for Dad

My dad died on Easter the year it was also April Fool’s Day. God picked the day. And it suited Dad. Ever the jokester, he’d think it funny that God chose this particular day for his homecoming.

But none of this was funny at the time, of course.

Grief is hard. And it’s personal and lonely and hard. Yes, I said it again.

I am the last one left.

And I realized I am the last one left in my little family of origin. Many, many years ago my mom had a fatal heart attack. Then a while back, my brother died for stupid reasons. (Another story for another time.)

Now my dad.

Sure, I cried. Of course I cried. Death hurts. But I didn’t cry without hope.

 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 1 Thessalonians 4:13, ESV

My brother’s death brought Dad and I close. Grieving together we recaptured years lost to busyness and complications. We laughed, we cried, we lived, we loved. But now I sensed loneliness.

I wore pink.

At my dad’s funeral, I shared my eulogy at a Catholic church in a suburb of Chicago. My dad’s second family–his widow and three young adult children–chose traditional black attire.

I wore pink. For me, death has lost its sting.

“O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:56, ESV

My Eulogy for Dad

Dad loved deep. This is what I’ll always remember about him.

He cried when Ted died, when he buried his eldest child, just a few years ago. Tears of grief, of love. What a tragedy, losing Ted. Dad and I grew close, then, grieving together, sharing stories, and healing.

Dad didn’t have the easiest childhood or teen years. But he kept on moving forward. He didn’t quit. Even in his 30s when he had horrible back pain and his first back surgery … even in his 40s when a doctor finally diagnosed him with manic-depression and he got on medication, he didn’t quit.

When I asked his doctor a while back jus how depressed he was, on a scale from 1 to 10, he said a minus 11. A minus 11? This was eye-opening to me. It is a testimony to just how deep Dad loved.

Even in deep depression, he did what he had to do to take care of his family. Family was his priority. He loved all of us in the crazy, complicated way only he could. I will miss the cat stories and our Saturday lunches and the crazy Goodwill purchases he kept in his trunk.

I will miss Dad, who loved deep.

Do you know grief too?

A better question may be who doesn’t know grief, right? Here are a few resources I recommend for folks grieving the loss of a loved one. I also offer to come alongside you in your pain as a biblical counselor who has been there and also helped others make sense of their pain.

Resources

God’s Grace in Your Suffering by David Powlison

Grief: Waling with Jesus by Bob Kellemen

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses by Bob Kellemen

Suffering Is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot

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