by Lucy | Jan 16, 2018 | biblical counseling, book reviews
Addiction? Is your kid at risk? In Mark Shaw’s booklet How Not to Raise an Addict, you learn the 5 mentalities that makes a kid susceptible to addiction. Reviewed by Ellen Castillo, whose profile is listed here on Heart2Heart Counseling Directory. Ellen’s review appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition.
Your Parenting Matters
Mark Shaw has written a booklet that is excerpted from his more in-depth book Addiction Proof Parenting: Biblical Prevention Strategies. In this booklet, Mark gives us an overview of the five basic mentalities of “addictive” thinking. He believes that when children develop these mentalities, it can lead to addictive choices and behaviors later in life.
Mark presents a challenge to parents as they disciple their children. By walking them through the five mentalities, he gives us a roadmap for determining if our parenting encourages unbiblical thinking that could lead to addictive behavior down the line.
He begins with an important discussion of the need for mind-renewal (Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23). Mark states,
We are all in need of transformed thinking so that we can discern the acceptable and perfect will of God. In other words, transformed thinking enables us to know what pleases God and benefits us when we actually put these things into practice (p. 2).
The Five Mentalities
The bulk of the booklet gives us a brief but fairly in-depth view of these five mentalities:
- Entitlement mentality (thinking everything is deserved)
- Consumer mentality (acquiring what he perceives is deserved)
- Victim mentality (when he thinks his entitlement and consumer needs are not being met, he feels he is a victim of unfairness so he blames others)
- Perishing mentality (a victim feels self-pity and “learned helplessness” that leads to rebellion)
- Rebellious mentality (“why should I try” attitude, leading to foolishness and a desire to be his own boss)
These mentalities all build upon each other, according to Mark’s understanding of addictive thinking (p.1).
Mark offers us the biblical antidotes for the mentalities he presents. He unpacks these for us, which is helpful and insightful. He teaches us that cultural parenting is counterproductive if we want to raise biblical thinkers.
As you read this booklet, you may recognize yourself in some of these mentalities (as I did). The booklet gives us tools to examine our own hearts as parents and counselors. This way we can recognize unbiblical thinking in our children and in our counselees and their parents. He also lays out a path for how to instill biblical concepts in order to counter the culture our children experience.
Mark walks us through much Scripture, which is what I appreciated most about this booklet. He shows us that the Bible is truly sufficient to inform our thinking as well as our parenting. He not only offers instruction for us, but he also offers encouragement and reminders of God’s grace.
Also he tells the reader that “Scripture teaches that God is sovereign, but man is also responsible” (p. 35). This encourages parents to be faithful in their child’s discipleship, but to understand that the outcomes are not up to them, as the child grows to make their own choices. The principles he encourages us to teach our children are biblical and that is what parents are called to be faithful to.
A Guide for Biblical Thinking
Mark gives us a brief overview of his biblical view of addiction. Addictions do not give us an escape from personal responsibility, and calling addiction a “disease” does not change this (p.35). His teaching has impacted me personally (as well as my counseling ministry) as I have been challenged to view addiction biblically. If you have not taken an in-depth look at a biblical view of addiction, I encourage you to read Mark’s books on addiction. He has become my go-to resource when I encounter addictive behavior in my counselees of all ages.
This booklet is a helpful guide for counselors who are working with parents as they disciple their children to think and live biblically. Parents would benefit from utilizing the booklet as a guide towards changing their approach in their parenting. The purpose of the book states that it is to help avoid raising someone with addictive thinking, but I believe that the mentalities described in it could help avoid other kinds of unbiblical choices and behaviors as well. This is an excellent discipleship tool, and it leads me to want to dig in to Mark’s other parenting book as well.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | Nov 21, 2017 | biblical counseling, relationships
Mom, let’s get SUPER practical. Here’s HOW to be THE best MOM ever.
Your goal: changing the way you relate to your kid so your little monster saint learns to submit to God’s rule over them and, as a result, experience change their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. The heart is always the place to begin.
Click & Tweet!
But first, I want to introduce you to the Y of P.R.A.Y.
Yield to God!
In this series on becoming the best mom ever, I’ve use the P.R.A.Y acronym.
1. Prepare!
2. Recognize you’re in a war.
3. Assume your role as a benevolent dictator.
4. Yield to God.
As you yield to God, wanting what God desires for you and your family, you will become best mom ever! Believe God can handle your problems, and guess what? Your faith will increase, and you’ll become calm and confident as a mom, and as a woman of God.
And just as you yield to God, your child must yield to you.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3
So are you ready for super practical tips?
Super Practical Day 1
Be a student of your child, even kids as young as age 2. Watch the attitude and the behavior (both good and bad). Your child’s behavior and words reveal what’s going on in the heart. Biblically speaking, the heart is called the inner person. And be sure to confirm in your mind and heart that you are THE MOM.
Super Practical Day 2
Each time your child (again, even as young as age 2) cops an attitude (including mouthing off, pouting, rolling eyes, and so on) OR misbehaves, choose one of these two approaches:
1. State your expectations once. Not twice or 10 times. ONCE.
Then get busy doing something, anything, like. . .email a friend, paint your toenails, or capture dust bunnies.
2. Let reality be the teacher.
For instance, if your Emma doesn’t set the table after you said it once (remember, only once), then she loses an hour or more of electronics (TV, computer, phone) even if she says she is sorry and will remember next time. Expect her to her chore with no reminders. If she forgets, well, bye-bye TV/computer/phone for an hour or more.
Why These 2 Super Practical Tips?
For one thing, you are looking for a teachable moment. You want to look happily to the privilege of sharing gospel truth with your child. Her disobedience lets you discipline in love, just as God disciplines you and me and every believer in Jesus.
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid. Proverbs 12:1
And you also get to show your child how to handle conflict biblically. When you correct him, calmly say, “You didn’t follow through on your responsibility so I must obey God and discipline you.” This show that just as you are under God’s authority and must obey him, your child is under your authority and must obey you.
As you may have guessed, the hardest part is changing how you parent. It takes work. It requires consistency. The choice is yours: You can be a pushover (and irritated and sad) or you can BE THE MOM.
Click & Tweet!
Friend, if you need support in parenting a difficult child, feel free to contact me. I offer biblical counseling in person and by Skype. And, exciting news, it looks like I’m expanding to a secord office, God willing.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Nov 16, 2017 | biblical counseling, relationships |
The Golden Rule
Mom, be authoritative. Be a benevolent dictator! Here’s why.
Our culture tends toward two parenting extremes: crass authoritarianism on one end and wimp-dom on the other..
Click & Tweet!
God calls you and me to be neither authoritarian nor permissive but authoritative.
Your job – which God gave you — is to be THE MOM. God gave you and your husband, if you are married, the authority to direct your children, to shape them, to benevolently dictate to them. You do NOT direct them for your own agenda or convenience but on God’s behalf for their own good and for His glory.
Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6, NIV
In this series on becoming the best mom ever, read the part 1 here and part two here and part three here. Here’s the acronym to remember.
1. Prepare!
2. Recognize you’re in a war.
3. Assume your role as a benevolent dictator.
4. Yield to God.
Does Your Child Have Too Much Power?
We moms often give our children too much power. It’s one thing to say, “Jarrod, do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt.” That’s OK. It’s quite another thing to say to your four-year-old or your 14-year-old, “It’s time to come to dinner, OK?”
OK?
Mom, are you asking your child permission? As in, do I have your permission to serve you dinner at such and such time? Yikes.
I know when moms tack an “OK?” at the end of their statements rarely do not really mean to hand over this power, that the kid gets to decide, but this is the message.
Your Child Needs You to Be Authoritative!
As Kevin Leman says in Have a New Kid by Friday, kids have a game plan to drive you bonkers. Look around and observe what’s going on in malls, stores, restaurants, and even your own home.
What about the toddler who cries until she wears her mother down and gets to go not only once but three times on the carousel?
The teenager who yells, “Bleep you!” at his dad and stalks off?
The 7-year-old who gives his mom the “I dare you to do anything about it here” steely glare as he pushes the broccoli off his plate and watches it fall to the floor to the floor at the restaurant?
The 14-year-old dressed in all black who has “attitude” written all over her and gives every sign of going the wrong direction?
The 3-year-old who spends his day screaming, to make sure his parents appease his every whim?
In their eyes the world owes them—and owes them big time. But when children rule, a home becomes chaotic.
Click & Tweet!
Yet boundaries give them freedom to mature within the parameters of God’s gives in his Word under the guidance of parents. Then children have true freedom to to learn, explore, and have fun. Boundaries also help you refrain from ripping out your hair! Right?
How to Be Authoritative, not Wimpy
The main thing to remember is this: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Maybe write it on paper and stick it out the fridge. Teach it to your children.
Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. Matthew 7:12
The bible shows that there are consequences for disobedience and blessings for obedience. God’s rules to help parents to nuture children through structured discipline. But our real focus is the heart, especially motivations, beliefs, and desires. God’s rules also help us to admonish children when they make foolish choices and to give encouragement to make wise choices.
The wise and authoritative mom teaches her child what is expected and how to do it. And she emphasizes why obedience matters to God. Doesn’t it follow that parents rejoice when children understand God’s heart for obedience, and obey?
But this takes work, doesn’t it? Your’re right! Motherhood isn’t for sissies!
Click & Tweet!
Next time we’ll finish up the “Becoming the Best Mom Ever Series” with lots of practical ideas. If you have not yet signed up to receives my blog posts in your email, please type in your email address below. Thanks.
Counseling Heart to Hope (and heal),
by Lucy | Nov 14, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships
To win the war for your child’s heart, you’ll fight three forces. But first, you must recognize you’re in a war!
Winning the war requires you to focus on your child’s heart!
Read the part 1 here and part two here in the Best Mom Ever series, teaching you to–
1. Prepare!
2. Recognize you’re in a war.
3. Assume your role as a benevolent dictator.
4. Yield to God.
This post calls you to fight once you recognize you are in a war, a war you must win, God willing. . .and he is willing.
3 Battle Forces!
In this battle, you face three strong forces:
First, your child’s natural, selfish nature.
Second, a spiritual undertow.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
And third, our increasingly wacked-out, confusing, chaotic culture.
Our culture says the best kids are happy and successful kids. This is a lie. The best kids are not the ones who seem happy and successful, who look good on the outside. Rather, the best kids are GOD-honoring KIDS.
Ground Zero: The Heart
As I’ve mentioned, your Number One goal is to shepherd your child’s heart. Scripture teaches that the heart is the control center for life. A person’s life is a reflection of the heart.
Proverbs 4:23 puts it this way:
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
From the heart flows your behavior. What you say and do and think expresses your heart. That goes for your child, too.
So when your child misbehaves, he is revealing his selfish nature, his battle-weary soul, or his bent toward a sin-city culture.
OR ALL THREE!
You may be thinking, “No, not my little Ethan, not my little Emma.” The truth is, every child is selfish and foolish.
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9
Even kids who are believers in the Lord Jesus Christ miss the mark, as do their parents.
We all mess up. Our intentions may be good but, well, our own desire to please our little darlings can get the best of us. Here’s one of my many “what-were-we-thinking?” stories.
What Were We Thinking?
Laura was about 2.
And sneaky.
She knew my weak spot.
At bedtime after I laid her in her crib with five — yes, five — pacifiers — I said a sweet good night, gave her an equally sweet kiss on her chubby cheek, and tip-toed out the door.
By the time I made it down the stairs, I heard:
CLUNK. . .CLUNK. . .CLUNK!
Three pluggies down. Two to go.
CLUNK. . .CLUNK!
Yes, my sweet, sweet Laura had a good arm. She had whipped her pluggies at the door, knowing I’d come back. She was barely 2 and she was telling us who was in charge. And what was I thinking? Doesn’t scripture say kids must obey their parents? Yes, it’s right there in black and white.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1
Winning Your Child’s Heart
We were in a war. And so are you, Mom. The only way to win: Look past my child’s behavior and see what was going on in her heart. To win the battle for her heart, my husband and I needed to show that, with God’s help, we were in charge.
God gave us the job of effecting godly attitudes, behavior, and character in our adorable child. In the next post, we’ll look at assuming your role as a benevolent dictator. 🙂
Let’s Talk
- What behavior problems do you see in your child?
- What have you done about them?
- How does focusing on the heart help your child glorfy God?
Be sure to read the next post on assuming the rightful role as the mom. To make sure you get it in your email, subscribe to blog. The subscription box is below.
Counseling heart to hope (and heal!)
by Lucy | Nov 9, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Preparation is a first step in becoming the best mom ever. God shows you the way. He guides your steps.
Becoming the best mom ever is within your reach. This doesn’t demand perfection. Not at all. If it did, we’d all fail! But it may require a shift in your approach as you. . .
Read the first post in my “Becoming the Best Mom Ever” series. There are four more to come. 🙂
First P.R.A.Y.
To become the best mom ever who shepherds her child’s heart, you need to:
1. Prepare!
2. Recognize you’re in a war.
3. Assume your role as a benevolent dictator.
4. Yield to God.
P Is Preparation!
My preparation for motherhood lasted nine months, but my labor was a different sort: paperwork! Nine months is EXACTLY how long it took from from finishing adoption paperwork until precious, newborn Laura snuggled in our arms.So far, so good. Right?
But when Laura turned 3 weeks old, she screamed out of no where. I checked her diaper. Nothing. I offered her her bottle. Not interested. I gently bounced her. She screamed louder. When she finally fell asleep, I read every book I could get my hands on.
The diagnosis: Colick!
Four months later she outgrew this stage, and I learned the value of preparation, big time. I began reading AHEAD to the next stage of child development so I could handle it better.
Preparation doesn’t solve every parenting dilemma but it helps immensely. Your two most important preparation tools: knowledge and wisdom.
Getting Knowledge and Wisdom
King Solomon wrote in Proverbs,
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7
You’ll find knowledge and wisdom in the pages of Scripture. So read the Bible, soak in the truth, pay attention to the moms and dads in the Bible, what they did right, and what they did wrong. This prepares you for shepherding your child’s heart.
You can get wisdom from other sources too, such as parenting books from Ted Tripp and Lou Priolo. I highly recommend these five books:
Shepherding a Child’s Heart
Instructing a Child’s Heart
The Heart of Anger
Getting a Grip (for teens)
I use these books often in counseling hope to moms (in person and by Skype). Plus, another helpful tool I incorporate in counseling is this Thought Journal..
Around the time I inhaled Tripp’s and Piolo’s books, I was facing backtalk from my eldest and craziness other kinds from my two youngest. The middle child argued. And the youngest whined! (And I’m a biblical counselor, for crying out loud. . .I was crying!)
It’s little wonder I prayed and prepared, and prepared and prayed, and read parenting books more times than I care to admit. Now my children are adults. We survived! If I can, you can. We moms must stick together, right?
Click & Tweet!
My next post in this series at my website centers on recognizing that you’re in a war.
Join the Conversation
How have you prepared to shepherd your child’s heart? What help do you need?
Counseling Heart to Hope (and Healing!)
. . .
