Aren’t you glad you can heal by grieving a DIVORCE?
Today is the third of eight posts in the blog series, “Mending a Broken Heart.” Read posts one and two, here and here.
As we talk together about tough stuff like abuse and divorce, addiction and the death of loved ones, I pray you’ll find hope and healing. We have the help from author Kc Christman Hutter, whose memoir A Broken Heart bleeds a beautiful story of life after mistakes.
Jesus made a promise that may bug you.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NIV)
Loss fills life. Yours. Mine. Everyone’s.
Blessed Are Those Who Mourn
It’s normal to hurt after divorce. Divorce is death, the death of a relationship that was supposed to last until the death of your spouse. You know, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. . .until death do us part. But the statistics doodle a different picture.
What is the right response after a death?
Pretend you’re just dandy? Pop pills? Or mourn?
When you feel harassed, distressed, troubled, and crushed, mourn. Please.
Neither push down your pain nor fall for some common Christian-ized pabulum.
The pastoral counselor, in spite of himself, finds himself tittering out his usual jocular reassuring prescriptions, minimizing the problem, and thumping in optimism or the need for further effort. He has the ingrained professional habit of filling every unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of good advice.” ~ Frank Lake
If you get this kind of crappy advice, find another adviser.
Kc Hutter’s adviser: booze. Not recommended.
This describes what happened after she drank away her demons and risked getting help. Listen.
I don’t remember the psychiatrist’s face. He sat behind a big desk; I wiggled on a very small chair.
“Why are you here?” he asked coldly.
“I don’t know, I’m crying, just crying all the time. No one loves me.” Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“There are many reasons people come to me for help,” the psychiatrist stated matter-of-factly. He listed a few of them, and added, “Tell me if you have one of these problems.”
She had all nine he listed. Divorce topped her list. She never returned to his office. She turned to Jesus.
Oh Lord, how can I hang on? There are so many cards stacked against me; my life and body are crumbling. Can you mend my broken heart?
Joy in the Morning
The trek through the pain of divorce to healing is personal and messy. You can find God in the midst of suffering. You can know hope. You can choose it.
I turn to Bob Kellemen‘s amazing God’s Healing for Life’s Losses for comfort and understanding, and for sharing with my counselees who need biblical answers for their suffering. To find this joy, this real joy, you need honesty with yourself and honesty with God.
Forget faking it. Be real, be raw.
When have you found the courage to share honestly with yourself? with God?
When are you tempted to fake your grief, even the grief of a broken marriage?
Then cry and surrender all to God. This cry is a faith-based plea. It’s reaching, palms up, asking God for help because. . .
you cannot survive without him.
What happens after you cry and you’re spent? Your tears–they tell God that he has your attention, that he has you. Then what?
Receive.
Receive the Comforter
After you’re honest with yourself — yes, rejection and fear, and you’re facing the facts of your new normal which doesn’t seem normal at all — and you’re honest with God, expressing your trust in our trustworthy God, you cry out and God hears and comforts.
“For he will deliver the needy who cry out.” (Psalm 72:12)
Just like Kc.
My new faith of trusting Jesus assured me that someone loved me! I’d forgotten that He loved me so much that He died on the cross for me. Unlike worldly love, God’s love is unconditional. . . .He lifted me out of one grotesque nightmare after another and placed my feet on solid ground.”
She grieved with hope.
When you’ve grieved a divorce, did you stumble into depression? Or did you embrace your scars? Do you see yourself as a survivor? Are you now thriving?
About Kc
Kc was brought up in the church but did not have a personal relationship with Jesus until after her third failed relationship (two divorces, one live-in lover). She now guides those who are hurting and without hope to the Mender of Broken Hearts. She is married and lives in Washington State with her husband, Jerry.
A Few Questions
1. Have you talked to God about the pain of your broken marriage? Were you candid? Are you pretending you’re just fine?
2. Have you blamed God for your difficult circumstance or have you expressed confusion over how a good God allows pain? Remember, an ungodly complaint accuses God of lacking goodness, holiness, and wisdom.
3. Which parts of Kc’s story resonates with you?
Hope for You
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
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I want to share this with you; we don’t have to fear a broken heart (we have experienced that and are still alive)…God is guarding our heart and His perfect love casts out fear.
THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. BUT PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT FEAR. I John 4:18
God heals all our fears. He wants us to run to him and find comfort in him when our circumstances overwhelm us. He loves us. He has the power to help us. 🙂
“Divorce is an event, not WHO you Are!”
Our Lord Jesus mends the broken heart in so many of lifes troubles. BUT for years, as a Christian, I could not get past the shame and guilt of DIVORCE.
The Bible tells us that God HATES divorce… so if I am a divorced woman, where does that leave me?
After having been married twice and divorced twice, I finally was getting healed by the Lord… I finally came to grips with my part in the divorces and stopped looking at myself as a 100% victim. The Lord Changed me from the inside out.
My husband now of twenty years is the best BLESSING I could have ever gotten. BUT it is not ENOUGH!! I want MORE of Jesus. Understanding HIS purposes in my life. So Yes… I am HEALED and grateful but I want MORE of JESUS!!
After my John and I had been married for 15 some years, we lead a group of recovery for divorced people. It is called “DIVORCE CARE”. Finally the Church had something to address the SHAME of divorce. Even though I was happy and healed and blessed with my John, telling someone I had been married twice before still brought me to SHAME. Why.. because GOD HATES DIVORCE.
That is when I discovered that through DivorceCare that God’s grace is sufficient and He does not see me with a BIG D on my forehead labeling me as a divorcee. I am FREE.. He wants all of me and He has me. That is what is important.
We have heard it said that divorce is as bad as a DEATH in your life.
IT IS WORSE than a DEATH because it can keep hurting over and over and over again. With a death, you can have good memories, maybe even forget some of the bad stuff. But with Divorce… yes you get to keep adding to the LIST of offences and you really NEED to change your outlook. So sorry… I have written too much.
Bottom LINE::: TRUST in JESUS, He is the healing balm that we all need to make LIFE WORTHY LIVING!! amen. Blessings to you all.
Thanks for sharing your story, Gail. I’m heartened that you found healing in and through Jesus. People who help through your church’s Divorce Care group are blessed to have you and your husband share your pain and your triumphs.
There are more Mending a Broken Heart posts this week. Please come by again. Your voice is encouraging and welcome.
So beautiful that I can relate. What’s beautiful about this particular blog? Well, as I read, I can testify that the author has a genuine connected experience of what it means to trek through the pain of divorce, and yet, more importantly, what it means to embrace and accept the power of GOD’s love that’s made available to His grieving children.
The horror and grief of divorce is one that I also experienced; never once in a lifetime imagining that I would face this Goliath on my own turf. But here I was facing it, living it, fighting it; Yet, I was called by GOD, not only to endure the hardship like a good soldier, but to conquer it.
Divorce is as death, as I can remember the “spiritual” tomb my heart often revisited each day and night. My life wasting away; subjugated in the lake of despondency while fear, depression, rejection and all its sidekicks molested and gang raped me each night.
Surviving? Thriving? We are MORE THAN one who conquers (Romans 8:37). I am my beloved and my beloved is mine, and I knew that my Father didn’t teach me how to swim to then let me drown in my own grief. When I “embraced” my suffering (my scars) is when I found my destiny and purpose. What was sent to nullify my calling in Christ only prepared me for the platform I now reign in.
My setback was only a set up that the Father used to propel me like a bullet shot out of a pistol. The tears that I thought would drown me turned to be a well of life springing up into everlasting life. For the Father used my tears to water, fertilize, and make pliable the hard and stony places in my life making room for augmentation of GOD and all He had prepared for me.
May the LORD continue to use your writing as a tool to bring His healing to those in the process.
~Narda Goodson
Thanks, Narda. You’re living the Good News of God’s grace. Amen. You have found comfort and purpose and more: Jesus. May our Lord continue to bless you as you share his truth in love and with power. I appreciate you.
The book has a wonderful story of how God heals a Broken Heart! Order now.