by Lucy | Apr 28, 2015 | biblical counseling, biblical counseling
Does gospel-centered counseling really work? Isn’t this a crucial question for biblical counselors and counselees? Listen to this story.
Meet Ashley and Nate
Ashley and her husband, Nate, met with Pastor Bob Kellemen at church the day after their twin sons’ eleventh birthday. With tears streaming down her face, Ashley shared that twenty-five years earlier, not long after her eleventh birthday, a relative had begun sexually abusing her.
Those who knew Ashley would have been shocked. She grew up in a Christian home, was active at church as an adult, served as a leader in the women’s ministry, and was always “pleasant.”
As Ashley described herself, “I’m the good girl from the good home.
“The good mom; the good wife. But nobody knows the ugliness I feel inside. Nobody knows how I’ve pretended and denied all these years. I just can’t keep faking it any longer. Depressed to the point that at times I’ve thought about suicide. Fearful and anxious—terrified I’ll displease someone. Terrified someone will find out what an empty but evil thing I am…”
As Ashley’s voice trailed off, Nate asked, “Pastor Bob, can you help?”
Does the Bible Offer Any Hope?
“Does the Bible offer any hope for my wife?”
How we respond to Ashley’s soul struggles and to Nate’s life questions depends on how we answer a foundational question: “What would a model of counseling look like that was built solely upon Christ’s gospel of grace?”
Continue reading this post at Biblical Counseling Center.
by Lucy | Feb 24, 2015 | biblical counseling, biblical counseling |
In this “Ask the Counselor,” a counselee asked me a personal question. We had counseled for a couple months — and topics like emotional adultery, porn, addiction, same-sex attraction had woven into our conversations.
{BONUS: Grab the download at the end of this post. It’ll help you COMMUNICATE well and wonderfully!}
I appreciated her candor, and even more, her willingness to change and to love God and neighbor, so her question flowed fresh like a Colorado stream.
Q: “What do you do, Lucy, when you mess up big? I mean, HUGE.”
A: I sent her a personal message that I’d like to share with you with her permission. Messing up big happens among believers. Jesus’ gift of salvation paid the debt we owed, that I owed. You see, we’re in process. The church-y word for this process is sanctification.
Three examples:
King David had sex with a married woman and arranged for the murder of her husband. 2 Samuel 11
Rahab ran a brothel. Joshua 2
Saul (later Paul) went a killing spree of Christ followers. Acts 8:1
Yes. We mess up BIG.
Yes. God loves you in your monstrous mistakes.
My Answer (where I spill my guts):
Typically, when I mess up big time, first I yell at myself:
Lucy, you are so stupid. Such an idiot. What will people think? God must hate me.”
Then, after falling into a pit of self-pity and self-despair (note emphasis on self), I sometimes buy myself a bottle of Chardonnay to numb my pain. Dumb, I know. Sinful, yes. I sense a nudge. The nudge is gentle. I know it’s God.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to hear him say, “LOSER!” Another nudge. Gentle. So gentle that I. . .
. . .dare to believe God really does love me though I messed up big. Really big. Skyscraper big.
And I Remind Myself
I remind myself that God is Love. I look up, eyes on Jesus. My heart bows in worship. “Wisdom, Lord, I need wisdom,” I whisper. “You promise to give wisdom to those who ask and I am asking. Now. I need your wisdom. I need you.”
If I can, I make amends. This is scary for me because I don’t like to admit my messes. The Bible calls it pride. I think about seeking forgiveness from the one I harmed. God nudges. I obey. . .usually.
God and I have a chat. I try to listen. Listening is a skill I’m learning and he shows me that he is the Way and the Truth and the Life. I feel sorrow. My godly sorrow leads to repentance. Again, I may drag my feet. Perhaps this is my new nickname: Foot-dragger. Another nudge. Gentle. Persistent. I receive God’s grace gift. And I repent of my big-time mess:
“God, you are God and I am not. I am sorry for my sin and I thank you for your forgiveness. I repent of sinning against you. Help me to trust and obey you. I need your help. I need you. Praise be your most holy name. Amen.”
As I shared my answer with my counselee, I hoped she’d see that I’m a fellow traveler and that I am NOT a know-it-all. I am broken by my messes and awed by God’s beauty. It’s not about me. My eyes focus best on God.
A Word of Hope
Friends, if my words touched your heart, please know that we believers, who are in Christ, have a great God who loves to bless us. He blesses us in many, many way. The sky is not the limit for him. By golly, he made the sky.
He may bless through bounty or by not giving you what you want. He knows what’s best for you and wants to give you the very best. His purpose isn’t to make you happy here on this earth; he desires something much, much better for you: to grow you up into the likeness of his Son and our Savior, Jesus.
This is true happiness — loving God, loving others, admit when you’re wrong, and don’t beat yourself up.
DOWNLOAD: Here’s a download on the 5 Rules of Biblical Communication
photo credit: ashley rose, via photopin cc
by Lucy | Feb 14, 2015 | biblical counseling, relationships, whole health wellness
Is dieting wrong in God’s eyes? Is it (gulp) a sin?
Diets. Gotta love them, gotta hate them.
We love slimming to look better and feel energetic. We hate diets because we feel deprived, grouchy, and depressed when we regain the weight we worked hard to lose.
I have a crazy Weight Watchers story. You can read part it in the intro of my eBook, Fit for Life.
Back to the BIG question:
Is Dieting Sinful?
The quick answer, “no.”
In fact, eating right is good. “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?” (1 Cor. 6:19, NASB)
However, dieting can turn nasty.
It all depends on your attitude.
If you turn to food for comfort then you need a heart change not a diet
Click & Tweet!
. An excellent resource is Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick, a biblical counselor and author.
What About OVER-Eating?
Derived from the Latin gluttire meaning to gulp down or swallow, “gluttony” means over-indulgence of food or drink to the point of extravagance or waste. The religious leaders claimed Jesus was a glutton.
Listen to their haughtiness: “Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners” (Matt. 11:19, NIV).
And UNDER-Eating?
Strangely, under-indulgence of food is also gluttonous because it is an extreme use of food. For some, the problem is bulimia or anorexia. The latter took hold of my counselee Heather (not her real name), who found healing as she smashed her underlying idols of people-pleasing and pride, and found put God first and to bring glory to him in everything she did.
Like Jesus she learned to enjoy eating food, a gift of God.
For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer. 1 Tim. 4:4-5, NIV
3 Quick Food Tips
These tips will make a huge difference in your success. They have for me and my counselees, who wanted more energy, better emotions, and a greater fitness.
1. Cut out or reduce sugary drinks like soda. When my husband corked the pop, he dropped 15 pounds in three months and has maintained.
2. Eat fruit and veggies. You’re less likely to crunch a cookie when you have fruit and veggies in easy reach.
3. Decide NOT to diet. A diet is an eating plan you go on and off, typically regaining the weight you lost. Instead, listen to advice from MayoClinic.com:
Successful weight loss requires permanent changes to your eating habits and physical activity. This means you need to find a weight-loss approach that you can embrace for life. . .Combining a healthier diet and more activity is the best way to lose weight and keep it off for the long term.”
This is exactly the approach of my ebook Fit for Life, with a strong biblical emphasis. You can read the introduction here, my compliments.
“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31).
photo credit: hjhipster via photopin cc
Sharing hope with your heart,
by Lucy | Jan 24, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions, identity in Christ, relationships
How I need grace!
You too?
The next few weeks, let’s discover your true identity in Christ. As you discover your true identity, you’ll see how God has extended you grace, or unmerited favor, which is a church-y way of saying that Jesus made a way for you to know him and love him, not because of your “good deeds” but because he loves you and took away your sins when you accepted the gift of faith in him. (Some people turn down his gift. Sad. It breaks my heart.)
Let’s peek at the first of many identity truths.
For starters, a believer in Jesus is a saint! Sure, you still sin. Yet God calls you a saint — all because of Jesus. How cool is that.
My Bad
I used to think I had my ducks in a row, quacking in perfect harmony. But life as I planned it wasn’t working. At all.
My emotions stuck. Confused. Panicky. Seething. Sad. I threw the best self-absorbed pity parties b. Really, who could blame them. I pity-partied even after I became a believer in Jesus Christ as my Savior.
Why? Why such inner turmoil as a Christian woman? Are you in turmoil? Want peace? Discover your true identity.
Do you know your true identity in Christ? It’s amazing.
Tweet: Do you know your true identity in Christ? It’s amazing.
Two Reasons I Felt Bad
I had yet to embrace the truth of: 1) who I am and; 2) whose as I am. Only by God’s grace — his gift to me — am I able to know and believe the wonderful truth of my true identity in Christ:
Chosen,
Blessed,
Daughter,
Saint,
His!
Once I embraced the truth of who I am and whose I am, my inner turmoil vanished. Well, almost. More than I care to admit, I fall back in my old ways, play old tapes of self-condemnation, and suffer anew. Thank God for his patience and loving-kindness because when I mess up, he graciously reminds me I am forgiven and I belong to him.
I am HIS!
What about you, sweet sister? Do you know and believe the twin truths of who you are and whose you are? Be encouraged. Our Father will show you. He is Truth and Love and the One in whom you may trust. In him you are safe. In him your life has meaning. You matter.
Tweet: In him you are safe. In him your life has meaning. You matter.
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photo credit: jesse.millan via photopin cc (with words added)
by Lucy | May 7, 2013 | biblical counseling
I asked a few hundred women in a Facebook group this Q: What is your top mama need?
Three kept popping up: A support system of family and friends, time alone, and encouragement.
Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’ll address yours in a blog post or give you an answer by email. 🙂
Also please leave a comment! Comments give encouragement to me and others. 🙂
Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post and type your comment. Thanks!
Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of taking a timeout. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!
What a Time Out Is NOT
When a mama takes a time out, she is not beating herself up.
I need to do more. I’m a bad mom. The laundry’s flowing over baskets. Err, this counter is sticky, this floor is stick, I’m sticky. I suck.
In your time out you do NOT start planning. Hey, if I’m taking a time out, I might as well get busy planning my day, my week, my month, my life. NO! Do NOT go here.
You do NOT rehearse “what if’s.” What if I were thinner or toner or smarter or organized?
Do you beat yourself up sometimes, thinking you should do more or do different? Isn’t this a recipe for anxiety?
What a Time Out Is!
A time out is a time to rest. Sure, take a nap if you need one. But here I am focusing on resting the mind, bathing the Spirit in Jesus’ invitation. You know it, don’t you?
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
These are power words, this time out invitation. Disconnecting with worry and busyiness. Connect with the One who loves you best. Amen.
Among the women I counsel biblically, I register not only a lack of soul rest but also iffy self care. Easy to remedy self care. Here are the three most important:
1. Drink water, about 6 to 8 8-ounces a day. Water has many healing properties. I’ll write a post soon on the spiritual and emotional healing properties of water. Incidentally, soda pop is not water.
2. Get enough sleep, about 7 to 10 hours daily. Set a time to get ready for bed and a time to wake up. Again, there are spiritual and emotional health benefits to sleep.
3. Move. You don’t have to join a gym or sign up for Zumba. Just move. Walks are perfect. Stretch. Breath deep from the belly.
What’s Next
When you read a post suggesting change, you make feel overwhelmed. Change is hard. You may feel defeated or think, “I tried that before and I quit after three days, so why bother?”
Why bother?
Take a time out to refresh and regroup because you matter, you are valuable, you are significant. Your children (toddlers or married adults) are watching how you take care of yourself and spend your time. God rested, didn’t he?
Take a time out and rest in Jesus. Go to him. He’s waiting. Find rest for your soul.
Coming up in the “Mama Needs a Break” series: Your Next Big Thing!
photo credit: Myxi via photopin cc
Blessings and Hope!
by Lucy | Apr 10, 2013 | biblical counseling |
Are you struggling and wondering, “Where’s God?”
Steve Reed, author of Transformed by Tough Times and an cross-cultural missionary, shares compelling stories and insights in his new book to help readers be transformed not just in spite of, but actually because of our tough times. He calls this answer the “suffering clause” of Christianity: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” John 16:33.
From his football playing days under legendary head coach Jimmy Johnson, to his hiking treks in the jungles of Guatemala, Reed has a passion for helping men and women go through hard times.
Book Giveaway!
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An Author Interview
A book about tough times usually implies that the author has had some personal experiences that connect to that topic. Where did the book start for you?
In college, I was a kicker and punter at Oklahoma State University under a demanding head coach, Jimmy Johnson. (Football fans might recognize him as the coach for two college national championships in the 80’s and a couple of Super Bowls in the 90’s for the Dallas Cowboys.) Just playing for Coach Johnson was tough enough, but my sophomore year, I got my knee bent backwards in a Junior Varsity game in Lincoln, Nebraska. When surgery and rehab efforts didn’t get me back to playing football, I eventually had to hang up the cleats. Looking back now, that experience made me more aware of how other people dealt with adversity and caused me to pay more attention to how I could respond when faced with tough times.
Your book transitions pretty quickly from your football days to life as a church planter and how that actually prompted you to write this book. How did that all happen?
When football didn’t work out, I found myself drawn to ministry in a great church near the OSU campus. Charlie Baker, the pastor of that church, invited me and other college students to partner with him in creating a weekly worship service for students. In doing that ministry I fell in love with the church and decided to go to seminary and be a pastor myself. After getting married and going through seminary training, we eventually moved to Kansas City to start churches. For nearly 20 years we were involved in the roller coaster rides of starting five different churches in our region. Most days, I absolutely loved it. But in one of those church starts we had a train wreck that knocked me for a loop and out of a church that I loved perhaps more than I loved my wife and family.
So after that you went on an even deeper quest for figuring out what was happening to you?
Right. With a new intensity I began to systematically search the scriptures to find some help for my pain. And I collected information and stories from others wiser than me and from many who had suffered greatly and come through with amazing faith and character.
You write about a day in Costa Rica that changed your life. What happened?
After the break up from the church, I wound up going to Costa Rica on a mission trip with my parents. My parents, by the way, were missionaries when I was a kid and 30 years prior we had actually lived in Costa Rica. For me, going back was a fun, blast to the past. But more than that, the people there were cathartic for me. I was an emotional mess much of the time. And one day I must have cried with three or four people who needed to know Christ, but who were in pain. God used my pain and my weeping with others to both minister to them and to me. That day I discovered something about God’s ministry of tears and how sometimes He does more through our weaknesses and frailties than He does with our strengths.
Where can people find your book?
For now it’s only available from the trunk of my car! Or, more conveniently, it can be ordered from the website www.TransformedbyToughTimes.com. It will be on Amazon soon. The Kindle version is already available.
Please note: I was given a complimentary copy of this book from the author in exchange for posting the author’s interview and/or book review on this blog. CSS Virtual Book Tours are managed by Christian Speakers Services (http://ChristianSpeakersServices.com).
About Steve Reed
Steve Reed is the Chief Encouragement Officer and Cross Cultural Catalyst for Daybreak International, a missions organization he founded that is dedicated to planting churches for the marginalized and forgotten peoples of the world. Currently, his two major projects focus on cowboys in Central America, and Kekchi Indians in the jungles of Guatemala. Those who know Steve best speak of his relentless encouragement and undying loyalty to people who face tough times. When not traveling in Central America, Steve comes home to Kansas City. He is married to Nola, and they have three young adult sons, a beloved daughter-in-law, and a grand baby on the way.
Blessings and Hope!
