Learning to trust again again is difficult, isn’t it? But, in God’s strength, you can trust someone who has cut you deep.
In this practical article, you’ll learn three main things:
Losing trust in someone is hard.
Learning to trust again is possible!
Developing a mindset to trust is essential.
But there’s a caveat: In certain circumstances, it would not be wise to trust a person who has hurt you. One example is trusting a physically abusive husband and another is trusting a child abuser UNLESS God has done a transforming work in their heart and they have proven themselves as trustworthy over time. This change comes through true repentance. Have you known someone who has truly changed?
Among the many counselees who’ve shared their painful stories with me, two stand out:
Debbie (not her real name) is married to a pastor who spent after-hours time with a young lady in the congregation. Well, you know how it goes. He felt desired and important and sexy when he was with her. They crossed emotional and sexual boundaries. The church fired the wayward pastor. and Debbie seethed. He broke trust.
How could he do this to our family? How could he do this to me and the kids? she asked, pain etched on her face. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.
Mara (not her real name) was 5 when a “grandfatherly” neighbor took notice of her, inviting her to come over and play. Well respected by her parents, he began touching her. At first, the touch a quick hug, but over the years, it progressed to oral sex. When Mara came to counseling in her early 30s, she wasn’t sure if she could ever trust a man, even God. Learn to trust again seemed impossible.
But God healed their hurts. And He can heal yours.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Psalm 23:4a
Yes, You Can Trust Again!
Trusting again is a warm spring day. Purple crocuses push through winter’s dreariness. A robin sings cheerful melodies. You look up and sense good change coming.
In their world of hurt, often my counselees are making sense of God’s goodness. God questions zip through the mind.
Truly it’s a moment by moment choice. Yes, It is active faith. As you choose faith, as you peek your head from under the blanket, guess what happens?
You begin to trust again. Learning to trust again after a hurt is absolutely not easy. In fact you may feel scared and exhuasted. But remember faith is not based on your feelings — whether fear or anger or shame. Rather, its object is God himself.
The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Exodus 34:6
Are you willing to step out in faith and learn to trust again? Will you take God’s hand and follow His lead? So what does this faith look like?
A Mindset for Learning to Trust Again
Learning to trust again is not so much a plan but a mindset to submit to Christ’s rule in your heart. Practically, what might this look like? It may look like. . .
Tearful prayers of lament and many crumpled tissues
Preaching to your heart what you know in your head
Here are a few verses for learning to trust again after a hurt. As believe the Word of God and apply it to your life, your faith will grow and you’ll continue to become more like Christ.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You. Psalm 139:17-18
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence. 2 Peter 1:3
The best lesson God taught me also turned my life around.
I confess I had trusted in by own abilities. And why not? I knew everything, right? As God rescued me from me and my pride, he taught me a lesson in three parts:
1. Believe God is who he says he is: good, in control, loving, just, merciful.
2. Believe what he says about you: valuable, significant, blessed.
3. Believe that you have an enemy who steals, kills and destroys, but God has defeated him.
This star-flinger, this day-numberer, this God drew me toward him, beginning with the lesson of who God is.
Lesson 1: God Is Who He Says He Is
Among the most beautiful bible verses is the one where God describes his character. I wrestled with whether to believe it is true or not true. Here’s the verse:
And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming,’The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.’ Exodus 34:6-7
Compassionate, gracious, slow ot anger, great love and faithfulness, and forgiving–did I believe this of God? Do you?
If you’ve been hurt by someone who should have protected you, you may struggle believing these truths. You are not alone. Others struggle as you do.
In fact, the counselors listed in Heart2Heart Counselor Directory on my website biblically and lovingly counsel all of God’s healing hope to their counselees. Why not check out the directory for someone near you or who meets by Skype?
In addition to daily Bible reading, I journaled, exchanging the lies I believed for the truth. It looked a lot like this. My journaling and listening to gospel-centered music also helped got me to the place where I believe God is who he says he is. What helps you?
Lesson 2: I Am Who God Says I Am
God says all of his daughters are chosen. Before you took your first baby step, before you were conceived, before God fashioned the heavens and the earth, he chose you.
The moment you believed on Jesus as your Savior, your old self died. You became a new creation. You are in Christ and Christ is in you.
This “in” means you have a place as a member of Christ‟s body, vitally united with him. The death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus — yes, the heart of the gospel — made possible your true identity. God now sees you as blameless because his Son is blameless, having paid the ultimate price to conquer sin and death. Being “in Christ” is the true you.Click & Tweet!
Does knowing you are chosen change the way you think and feel about yourself? about God?
Lesson 3: God Defeated the Enemy
Can you guess the big lie Satan wants you to believe? It’s NOT that you’re not good enough, though he tempts you to believe that one too. It’s NOT you’re unsuccessful or unattractive or a total mess-up or a waste of space, though you and I have fallen for some of these lesser lies, haven’t?
Can your believe I bought the lie that I was a defect? Have you?
This isn’t the big lie either. It destroyed my peace, though. God — through life-giving Bible truths and uplifting Christian music as well as counseling — showed me the truth: that I and every believer in Christ is his precious child and God also revealed the big lie at the core of my shame lie.
So what’s the big lie?
The Big Lie Is. .
The big lie Satan tempts you to believe is the same one Adam and Eve ate up in the Garden: God is holding back, that he couldn’t care less, that he’s not. . .good.
As I embraced this three-part lesson and intentially put God first, he revealed a purpose for my life: to help Christian women know that they are valued by Jesus, who wants to heal them. Yes, to counsel hearts to hope! Still, I felt afraid and told God so.
Our conversation went like this.
“Lord, I don’t know how to begin.”
“Do not worry, Lucy. I’ll show you.”
“How will I know it’s you?”
“You will. The Holy Spirit who’s in you will confirm my words. You’ll know.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for this, Lord,” I said. “What if I mess up?”
“Trust me.”
That’s where we left things. God said trust. I sat there, speechless.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7, ESV
How about you? Where has God changed your thinking? Are you ready for deeper healing?
An Offer!
Are you tired of living a less-than life?Why not contact me
to set up a no-cost introductory phone consultation? Remember, God loves you, whoever you are, wherever you’ve been.
The old saying is true, People don’t care how much you know till they know how much you care.
Trust. This matters. If you don’t care, no one will trust you.
Seriously. Why would you? or me? Why would we trust someone whom we don’t know and get hurt again?
Like the Caddyshack gopher — yep, the one with the dance moves and destructo mindset — I dig a hole, hide in the dark, popping up only when I determine it’s safe.
WHAT IF SAFE IS, like, NEVER?
This is a cry of so many women: Keep me safe, hold me, make the scary stuff go away.
Because I’m scared
and if people only heard my thought or knew the real me
they would run
scream
flee in the other direction.
I used to be one of the scared, of the untrusting.
Now, I don’t hang out my dirty underwear for all to see but, hey, if my slip is showing, so what. Really, who cares?
In my scared, untrusting days, confiding in someone — even God — would unnerve me. More than that, it would send me running.
To. My. Dark. Hole.
One sunny morning, the hole became so dark, it caved in. I had to reach out or die. A slow death of losing myself.
Then I forgot myself, looked to Jesus and found myself in him.
This marked the day I decided to drag myself out of depression. I couldn’t do it alone. I needed God, my family and a counselor. I needed to take a chance and trust.
Not easy. It took time.
Lots of time.
This is the nature of trust. Built over time, trust can bridge the fear of being found out.
So what it my slip is showing.
You Are Loved, Lucy
P.S. Watch this and smile: The Caddyshack gopher and a Tiger. Enjoy.
These holes are deep places of emptiness where we have pain.
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh I need relief now.
How did I get in this fix? How do others? And what about you?
Everyone has experienced abandonment and rejection by important people around us. The abandonment and rejection may be relatively minor, and so the hole measures the width of, say, a baseball. Examples: getting “dumped” by a friend or passed over for a promotion. Or the abandonment and rejection may have Grand Canyon proportions, and the hole is huge. Examples: divorce by parents, sexual abuse, death of a parent, or an alcoholic home.
The pain goes deeper.
and
deeper
into the past.
When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, humankind fell out of its secure place of belonging with God and into self-absorbed isolation. Though profoundly lonely, we keep God at an arm’s length.
Why? We don’t trust him enough to risk interacting with him personally.
Sure, we pray and go to church, maybe even read the Bible every morning or attend a small group.
But do I really, really trust him.
Therein lies the answer to my hole-y problem. Maybe yours too.
Despite my feelings, I must STEP OUT in faith and chose to ACT on the goodness of God that I risk to believe in.
Then as I DRAW CLOSER to him and DEEPEN my knowledge of him, I LEARN TO TRUST more and more deeply. I can know our God when I MAKE SPACEin my life to cultivate intimacy with our heavenly Father.
But stepping out in faith every day is tough. Even tougher is making space to spend time talking to God about what is on my heart and listening to him.
My excuse: I’m too busy!
Or am I?
Maybe my priorities are messed up. Maybe I’ve been duped by the devil and erroneously believe God doesn’t care.
The truth: God is good. He cares. Our enemy is a liar.
And the only way I’ll fill my holes is to forsake fear for faith
And recognize busyness compounds my hole-y-ness.
And give God my all.
Gulp!
You Are Loved, Lucy
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The best lesson God taught me also turned my life around.
I HAVE HOLES
