by Lucy | Oct 12, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, emotions |
Is regret messing with your peace? Is it so painful that you’d like to erase a part of your past? Let’s look at regret — what it is, the two main types, and how to move toward restoration.
Regret Defined
Regret is feeling sorrow or remorse for something you did or failed to do. Sometimes it turns into disappointment. This feeling of regret can be turned toward God as you seek him in your pain. Or it can become discontentment, even despair.
Discontentment is an ugly response to regret. It describes a person’s dissatisfaction with what God is doing in his life at the moment. She may have self-pity and see herself as the undeserving victim of unfair circumstances.
Regret Due to Human Error
Regret may result from an honest though awful mistake. Dr. Erwin Lutzer shared the story of a missionary airplane mechanic with an excellent service track record. One day while tightening a bolt, he was called away before he finished. He forgot to return and complete the bolt tightening.
The consequence of this one mistake proved disastrous. The plane took off. Gasoline leaked from the place where the bolt was loose. The plane caught on fire and all seven people on the plane died. Without a doubt, this mechanic wished he could erase the past. He feels deep regret.
Regret Caused on Purpose
This type of regret results when you choose a certain path that you know is wrong. The Holy Spirit impresses on your heart the your ugly choice rubs against God’s will but you continue on.
Think Peter the apostle.
He denied knowing Jesus Christ three times, then the rooster crows. Peter weeps tears of regret and emotional pain.
And immediately the rooster crowed a second time. And Peter remembered how Jesus had said to him, “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.” And he broke down and wept. Mark 14:72, ESV
2 Steps to Restoration
1. Bring it into the open.
Pushing down the past smothers you. Did you know that the more you try not to think about the regret, the more focus you direct toward it?
God’s plan for moving forward requires facing the past and acknowledging the sin, the pain, and the fallout.
2. Move forward.
To move forward means forgiving, repeatedly if necessary, letting God deal with those who have sinned against you, and continuing to respond in a godly way regardless of how they behaved.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19, ESV
When you choose God’s solutions, an upward and forward movement begins! It’s time, don’t you think, for a fresh start? Christ and His Word will move you in the right direction if you let Him!
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” Lamentations 3:22-24, ESV
Do you need help finding peace? I’d love to help you!
Sharing hope with your heart, I’ll provide you with solution-focused biblical counseling. Contact me today and we can set up an appointment in person or by Skype. (I’ve counseled women, couples, and families in five continents.) Check out more about me here.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Mar 17, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions, thoughts
Everyone has problems.
The question is, Are we going to solve them or runs for the hills?
Emma seemed anxious. She looked down at her hands, one clutching the other. I had asked her what she wanted most. She met my eyes and words rushed out. “I don’t want it to happen again.” (Names and some details have been changed.)
Now in her 30s, she feared that a recent controlling boyfriend might be bad news. She didn’t want what happened in her past to repeat in her now. In her childhood, a friend of the family had sexually abused her many times. He had manipulated her. She worried that her boyfriend was manipulating her too.
Now she wanted to choose the best way to handle problems.
Many people I counsel first try one of three ways to handle a problem, but none of these work.
3 solutions to problems that fail:
- “It’s not important”
- Giving up
- Going half-way
“It’s Not Important”
In secular psychology, the “it’s not important” way of handling a problem might be termed “denial” or “minimizing.” I prefer biblical words; in this particular case, lying.
The word lying sounds harsh, doesn’t it? But to say that childhood sexual abuse is not important is a lie. It’s very important. What happens in our childhood influences our life.
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The father of lies is Satan (John 8:44). He knows that the lies we accept as truth interfere with our being the women God desires us to be — desires you to be.
Emma never pretended the childhood sexual abuse was unimportant. However, she said it was “not important” that her boyfriend’s insisted that that she wear certain clothes and get rid of others.
She sounded a bit like my counselee Katelyn. Katelyn said that her husband’s drinking was “not important.” Katelyn’s father had been an alcoholic. She had learned to cover for her dad, now her husband. Saying a problem’s “not important” is one way not to handle it.
Wishing It Away
Emma toyed with “wishing it away” as the way to handle a problem. Doesn’t it remind you of the proverbial ostrich that puts its head in the sand? Why an ostrich does this befuddles me.
Her recent boyfriend wanted her to dump her friends and spend all of her time with him. At first she didn’t mind. She liked his attention and imagined the possibility of marriage. She said her mom was concerned about the boyfriend’s controlling behavior.
Emma and I opened the Bible to 1 Corinthians 10:13. It reads,
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Do you see the comforting phrase “he will provide the way of escape”? Sometimes impossible problems prompt a woman to give up, to quit. Discouragement is a biblical term for it. Unabated, discouragement can turn into depression, even despair.
Jay Adams — whose work as a pastor and author reignited the biblical counseling movement in the 1960s — writes that Christians need “to understand that God provides a ‘way of escape’ with every trial; Christians are never in a box.. . .Knowing that there will be a way out, an end to the problem, is itself reassuring.”
You or I or Emma might try to wish away a problem but it sticks around like mold. Wishing away a problem doesn’t work.
Going Half-Way
Some counselees, after they’ve identified a problem and see “a way of escape,” might be tempted to go half way. They’ve begun to establish new biblical life patterns and have experienced early success.
Remember Katelyn? She began to lovingly speak the truth to her husband and shared with him how his drunkenness was negatively affecting her and their children. He listened and tossed out the booze — most of it anyway. She hoped this was a turning point. Have you every been close to solving a personal problem but it kept hanging on?
When a problem is handled half way, it soon reappears.
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Katelyn’s husband returned to drinking just as must as he had before he tossed the booze. He simply replaced it with fresh stock.
The verse right before the Bible passage above says,
Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Corinthians 10:12, ESV).
When you make new patterns, don’t you need encouragement to keep on keeping on? Lilia made huge strides in overcoming people-pleasing. Her husband and friends had remarked on her transformation. She was more confident and continually looking to Jesus. She wanted to please him most of all. Knowing her new patterns were, well, new, she said she shared with her Bible study the problem she had struggled with and the biblical changes she was making. They encouraged her in her new patterns, as did I.
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11, ESV).
Going half-way doesn’t solve the problem.
The Real Solution
“There is a biblical solution to every problem,”
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Adams says. When you decide to deal with the problem according to Scripture, then you are changed.
Specifically, your thinking. As you begin to think about your problem the way God thinks about it, you’re dialing in to the real solution.
The Bible uses a words like “trial” to describe the difficulty you’re facing. You can view the trial as an opportunity to grow in Christ-likeness. The difficulty may also be a temptation to miss the mark, or sin.
Emma and I keep in touch. She has learned new patterns of thinking and acting, and is sticking with them. She replaced fear of man (also called “people-pleasing”) with fear of God. She learned to speak the truth in love instead of failing to deal with hard emotions and memories. She dealt with her problem. Wouldn’t you too like the accomplishment that comes with dealing with a problem?
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
