God’s Love Heals Abuse ~ a hope story

God’s Love Heals Abuse ~ a hope story

Truly embracing God’s love for you — especially if you’ve experienced the horror of sexual abuse — is the way to hope and healing. Do you want healing too? Read Monica’s story and learn how gospel-centered counseling helped remove stumbling blocks to her faith. Consider biblical counseling for you or a loved one too.

This article by biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy, featured on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory here, appeared first at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permisison.

Monica’s Story

At a young age, Monica was sexually abused by her step-father until he divorced her mother. In her teenage years she was raped by her brother’s friends.

She lived a life of promiscuity—getting pregnant twice with both ending in abortions. She was drinking alcohol heavily and using drugs until the age of 24 when she developed cervical cancer. God used her illness to get her attention.

She became a Christian and met her husband, Jeff, at church. Only one year into the marriage, Monica began suffering from bouts of depression and self-loathing.

She was distancing herself from her husband but didn’t know why. You see, she thought as a Christian, she shouldn’t struggle with these issues. Finally she confided in a Christian friend who encouraged her to seek biblical counseling.

The Journey Begins

The counseling process helped Monica to discover some stumbling blocks to her faith. She had doubts about God—about His goodness, His grace, His love, and doubted ever being free from condemning thoughts. With the love and support of her husband, she began the difficult process of looking at her past through the lens of Scripture.

She was afraid to rGod's Loveeveal certain details to Jeff because she didn’t want him to stop loving her. He assured her of his love and commitment, so she forged ahead allowing God to peel away layer after layer into her past.

During the most difficult layers of dealing with the sexual abuse, she had to distance herself from him intimately. After eighteen months of biblical processing, Monica was able to restore her relationship to her husband.

Believing Again in God’s Love 

Through the counseling process, her faith had grown stronger. She believed in God’s goodness and grace. But she wasn’t so sure about His love.

She told the counselor that she still couldn’t understand how a holy God could love someone with her past. The counselor asked her,

How do you know that Jeff loves you, even after knowing of your past?

She thought about how Jeff had been very supportive throughout the counseling process. He had been incredibly gracious to her when she was at her worst with depression and self-loathing. During the time she separated herself from him intimately, he was amazingly patient and forgiving.

He wasn’t shocked nor disgusted when he learned of the sexual abuse. Instead, he was a safe and secure haven.

Her husband’s love encouraged her to share her heart with him. Knowing her ugly past, she was only met with Jeff’s unconditional love. In return, she loved him in a much deeper way. She would sacrifice her time and energy to please him.

And spending time with him was no longer a burden. She treasured every moment with him because she felt valued by his love.

Reclaiming Her Love for Her Husband

Monica kept growing in her relationship with God and her husband. Indeed, she no longer feared her husband’s love.

To the question, “How do you know that Jeff loves you?” she answered this way. “I know Jeff loves me because he has demonstrated his love in marvelous ways.” The counselor asked Monica to read Romans 5:8, which states,

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

The counselor stated that God proved His love for her by sending His Son, Jesus, to die for her sins. And since she is a believer, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

The counselor also reminded Monica that God’s love was lavished on her through Jeff’s love. Seeing how Jeff loved her with the love of God, she began to get the picture. She finally grasped a greater understanding of God’s love.

Monica also learned that God’s love for her is incredibly gracious and sacrificial, amazingly patient and forgiving, safe and secure, and completely accepting of her in spite of her past. She realized that Christ has given her a new identity—His identity. She was no longer a victim living in her past.

God saw everything she did and yet still loved her. This realization gripped Monica deep into the core of her soul.

She kept repeating to herself, “God really does love me!”

Motivated by Love to Love

God’s love granted Monica the grace to love Him. As she daily contemplated His love, she became more sensitive to affronting the One she loved which led quickly to repentance of sin. She also found it easier to pray. And she didn’t fear seeking His presence.

In addition, she wanted to spend time with God. She desired to please Him with her time and energy. She had a growing willingness to sacrifice her life for God’s glory—no longer doing things her way.

Monica learned as the Apostle Paul did, that “the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14). Christ’s sacrificial, substitutionary death motivated Paul’s service for Him. In Galatians 2:20, Paul states,

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Paul learned that he died to the Law because he was crucified with Christ. Therefore he was able to live for God because Christ lived in him.

The greatest love of all.

True love has a constraining virtue. Monica realized this in Jeff’s love for her. It cost him something to love her. He accepted the consequences of her past and chose to love her. She would do anything for him because he loved her at her worst.

Even greater is the love of Christ. It cost Him something to love us. He gave up His life when we were at our worst—and still loves us at our worst. By faith Monica embraced God’s love for her. In return, she loved God because He first loved her (1 John 4:19).

Join the Conversation

Think of a time when you felt really loved by someone. What effect did it have on you? How did you respond to that love? Now think of God’s love for you. What effect does His love have on you? How do you respond to His love?

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are you telling the truth? This question invites us to consider the validity of our thoughts and to replace the lies we silently tell ourselves with life-giving truth.

Have you noticed this phenomenon and do you believe the lies you tell yourself? Such as:

“I’m not good enough.”

“Ugly. . .that’s me.”

“Idiot, idiot, idiot.”

“No one cares.”

“You’ll never change.”

Sound familiar? We women bash ourselves, don’t we? You. Me. Everyone. An article in The Atlantic estimates that we say thousands upon thousands of words and phrases to ourselves each day. And often what we say about ourselves isn’t true.

Why do we do this? And how can we stop?

The Reason We Lie

Verbal-bashing began long ago. You may recall the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible. All was perfect in the garden until Satan in the form of a serpent slithered on the scene and spoke a lie to Eve, and she believed him. His lie:

You shall not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it [a tree that God had said was off-limits] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:4-5

She believed her enemy, chopped the fruit, and died. Not immediately, but eventually. And she doubted God’s goodness. Shame filled her. Then she and Adam sewed fig leaves to cover up.

When I lie to myself, I am believing my enemy. You too.

A lie I used to tell myself A LOT: “You’re defective, Lucy.” Thankfully, I finally listened to God while in a pit of despair and agreed with him that I am precious. I am precious because he says so.

Begin Speaking Truth

What lies do you tell yourself about yourself? Would you like to replace the lies with the truth about you. And this truth is beautiful, sweet sister.

So here’s how to start telling yourself the truth. These two steps are simple to remember. This is the good part. But if you have a habit pattern of repeating lies to yourself, then you’ll need to have an action plan and enact it.

1. Recognize the lies you say to yourself.

2. Replace the lies with the truth.

In my example of “You’re defective, Lucy,” I replaced this lie with the truth, “God says you’re precious … because you’re his child.” Every time I spoke the “you’re defective” lie to my soul, I then spoke the truth. Over time I caught my lie more and more quickly, and replaced it ASAP. Soon I very rarely said this lie to myself.

So speak the truth about youself. And keep on identifying more lies and replace them with truth. Soon you’ll notice you’ll speak truth in love to yourself and to the people God has put in your path. Your family, your friends, the dog sitter, the Walmart cashier, a stranger.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be acceptable in your sight,
    Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

COUNSELING BY SKYPE/FACETIME

Lucy has Skype-counseled women and families throughout the United States and the world, including China, Germany, the UK, Sweden, Paraguay, and Australia. Read more about biblical counseling in general as well as important information on Skype/Facetime counseling.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Sexual Abuse: How to Truly Help a Friend

Sexual Abuse: How to Truly Help a Friend

ABUSE REALITY: Chances are, a friend of yours has been sexually abused.

Let’s crunch numbers. According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s National Crime Victimization Survey, every 98 seconds an Americal is sexually assaulted, RAINN reports. See more statistics on sexual violence.

The number increases when you add in little kids like Mary. Her story in a moment.

  • About one in four women, and one in six men, experience unwanted or abusive sexual experiences by age 16, suggest various statistics.
  • Victims of sexual abuse are. . .
  • 3 times more likely to suffer depression.
  • 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
  • 26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
  • 4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

Mary’s Story of Abuse

The teen boys rang the door bell and asked to play with little Mary. Her babysitter — an older woman who watched her after school — opened wide the door. She didn’t say, “Get lost!” She let the teen boys take the 5 year old to the woods to play.

Play? Seriously? Sexual violence is anything but play!

A best-selling author and international speaker, Mary DeMuth is an adult survivor of sexual abuse. The abuse was continual, painful, and secretive. Many teen boys abused her. She learned to fake afternoon naps to escape the sick “play,” to escape them, to try to escape shame. Yet shame clings like thistle to cotton socks of an adult survivor of sexual abuse.

mary-demuth

Listen to her words in Thin Places, A Memoir (Zondervan, 2010).

Warning: If you’re a sexual abuse survivor and have had little healing, you may want to skip the recounting in blue. They may stir up intense emotion.

“I am living a nightmare that year, the worst year of my life.

“Every single day after kindergarten, I walk to my babysitter’s house. Her name is Eva, and she is grouchy. . . .She feeds me , and then waits for two older boys to stop by after school to take me off her hands.

“They take me all right. To deep ravines in tangles of sharp sicks and itchy weeds. They pull off my corduroys. . .then my flowered underwear.

“Don’t you want to have kids when you grow up?” one boy says.

“Yes,” I whisper. Because I do.

“Well, then, this is what you have to do.” They take turns with me in the forest behind my school. . . .”

To help abused women, Mary also wrote Not Marked, a self-published book she says is the book of she was meant to write.

The Grand Hope

Jesus heals the hurting. He binds the brokenhearted. He loves your friend just as she is, even though she may feel like trash and hopeless.  And beyond help.

Just as the Lord has healed Mary and me and many, many others including some of the hurting women I’ve counseled biblically, he can heal you.

If you’re among the healed — praise be to God — please help adult survivors of sexual abuse have hope. A few ideas:

What to Do

1. Talk with her privately and listen well. Read her body language too.

2. Remind her that God loves her and wants to heal and restore her.

3. Expect many emotional ups and downs as she heals..

What to Avoid

1. Don’t say, “Why didn’t you tell someone earlier?” or “Did you say ‘No’?” This is judgmental and insinuates that she is at fault for the abuse.

2. Don’t display shock or disapproval.

3. Ask for permission to hug your friend. She may be hypersensitive to touch, especially when it’s unexpected.

My Prayer for You

Were you sexually assaulted? I pray God gives you the courage to speak to a trustworthy woman. Healing begins when you find your voice, when you share that someone hurt you deeply.

Are you the friend or pastor of a woman who was sexually abused? I pray you ask for God’s wisdom in helping her find hope and healing from a godly and compassionate, same-gender mentor or a biblical counselor.

AN OFFER: If there isn’t a biblical counselor in your area, please consider counseling via Skype/FaceTime/Hangouts from me.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Worry? A Plan to Worry Less and Trust More

worryWorry is a continual tempation in life, isn’t it? And there are reasons to worry: ISIS, shootings, illness, mounting credit card debt, faltering relationships, rebellious kids, and on and on and on.

But God says,

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7, NKJV

Be anxious for nothing? Does this mean if you worry, you’ve committed. . .sin?! (Yes. And knowing you’ve fallen short of the mark might create even more worry, right? Ugh!)

In this short article you’ll discover. . .

  1. The good news: You’ve got company.
  2. The better news: God provides a plan to dump worry like garbage.

Worriers Jesus Loved

Martha Woes

Worry pestered Martha of Bethany. She whirled like a dervish in the kitchen while her sister, Mary, sat at Jesus’ feet, listening, learning, loving.

But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:40-42)

Peter Missteps

When Peter took his eyes off Jesus and focused on raging waves, he began to sink.

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” (Matthew 14:28-30)

Did you know a Christ follower who worries is saying to herself, “God, I know what you’re saying but I’m not sure I can trust you”? Worry is distrust of the goodness, love, and power of God. It’s makes sense, then, that he commands that you and I stop worrying.

Worry Chokes You

In Anxious for Nothing by John MacArthur, he identifies that the word worry comes for the Old English term wyrgan, which means “to choke” or “strangle.”

Just as Martha worried about meal preparation and Peter feared he’d drown, you and I sometimes let our worries choke us. Even panic attacks may jump on our frazzled nerves.

But worry accomplishes nother productive. It steals sleep. It causes stomach upset. And it even increases blood pressure and messes with your nervous system. Indeed, worry ruins quality of life!

And for nothing! Listen to Jesus’ words:

Who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:27

Worry-Free Plan

First, agree with God that he gives you strength for each day. God gives you what you need when you need it. He is faithful (I Corinthians 10:13).

Second, intentionally adjust your focus. Colossians 3:2 says, “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are of earth.” God promises to take care of your physical needs: food, clothing, and shelter. He wants to free you from misplaced priorites.

Jay Adams cautioned in What Do You Do When You Worry All the Time?

God wants you to seek to please Him first, and think about the problem of fear secondly. that is why when speaking of worry (a lesser form of fear) in Matthew 6:33 He commands ‘Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.’ If you put anything else first–even the desire to rid yourself of a terrifying fear– you will discover that you will fail to achieve ether goal. God will not take second place, even to a legitimate concern to be free of fear.

Third, thank God that he cares for you.

To implement these applications, begin a list of how he is providing, jotting down one or two things each day for a month. During the first week memorize Matthew 6:33 and ponder it. Later in the month, memorize and ponder other verses that dump worry. Some ideas are Philippians 4:19, Colossians 3:2, and 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

I like to artistically write verses in an unlined notebook as I memorize them, adding graphic elements and simple pictures with colored pencils. You may like to do this too. Let me know how this worry-free plan works for you, or contact me and I’ll pray for you.

You can be anxious for nothing!

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

 

3 Myths About Depression (part 3)

3 Myths About Depression (part 3)

DEPRESSION: Many of us feel depressed around Christmas. Did you know scientists and biblical counselors recognize at least three myths about depression?

In part 3 of this three-part series, learn the truth about medication for depression. Part 1 looked at . . .  Part 2 covered diagnosis and the Bible. This post first appeared here on CareLeader.org, June 29, 2016, and is used with permisison.

Would you like caring biblical counseling for depression? I offer counseling by Skype and in person. Contact me. Let’s set up a short complimentary consultation. Don’t go it alone.

Myth #3: Medication Doesn’t Help Treat Depression

Some people are under the impression that depression is purely a spiritual issue and that medication isn’t effective or needed in treating depression. Some who cite the ineffectiveness of antidepressants claim that they are slightly more effective than a placebo.

A fact sheet produced by MIT explains the origin of that idea:

Clinicians began hearing this question from patients after news articles reported on a 2002 analysis of published and unpublished studies submitted to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as part of the approval process for several new types of antidepressant medication. This analysis concluded that the newer types of antidepressants are only marginally more effective than placebo.

However, these analyses do not reflect how antidepressants are used in actual practice. Drug trials measure only how a person responds to a single medication taken at a specific dose for a limited time. In clinical practice, however, the patient and clinician work together to find the dose and the medication or combination of medications most effective for you. Most clinicians believe that this process results in much better results than these analyses imply.

Medication: A Wisdom Issue

Dr. Michael Emlet, in an interview for our DivorceCare and Single & Parenting projects, pointed out that the Bible doesn’t prohibit taking medications for psychiatric disorders. He said,

When Jesus came, He not only forgave sin but He also healed disease. He also relieved suffering. Medications may be one way that suffering is relieved…. I would say medication is a wisdom issue. It’s going to vary from individual to individual whether or not medications may be wise.

I think some people want to rush too quickly to medications. Other people refuse to even consider the possibility of medications. Both of those positions could be problematic because they reflect motives of the heart that may be off base.

Dr. Emlet reminds us of the importance of remembering the limitations of medicine:

Medication can help treat depression and shouldn’t be written off as one of the ways that God can bring healing and relief to a person’s life. For example, with stabilized emotions and higher energy, people can be enabled to make needed changes in their lives.

But people need more than drugs. Drugs, as helpful as they can be, do have limitations. They don’t treat any of the underlying spiritual or environmental issues that contribute to a depression.

Some people may not require medication to treat their depression at all. Less severe cases can be treated with nonmedicinal approaches and basic behavior changes. For example, one study reported by Reuters found that simply getting active three times a week reduces the risk of depression in adults by 16 percent, and additional exercise reduces the risk even more. You can also suggest that a person try a change in diet, since a lack of essential vitamins and minerals can result in depressive symptoms.

Conclusion

A strategy for effective care begins with an accurate understanding of the person’s problem. For more on how to understand depression from a biblical perspective, see Jeff Forrey’s article How pastors can help the depressed. It will help you understand the unique role pastors play in helping people deal with depression.

Also check out Kathy Leonard’s article 3 reasons depression is complicated, which features interviews with counselor Leslie Vernick and Dr. Robert Kellemen. It’s a great post to share with your church leaders to help them understand why we shouldn’t use simplistic reasons to explain depression.

Now What?

Be sure to subscribe to my blog for resources that help you. Below is the sign up. When you sign up, you get a free resource from me, dropped in your email..

Struggling? Make an appointment (in person or by Skype). The Lord has effective and caring solutions to depression.–LAM

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Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

 

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