Has sexual sin taken you hostage, my sister in Christ? I want you to know there really is freedom. It is among the top issues I counsel biblically.
Now this reassurance:
Sexual sin is no worse than any other sin. Adultery / porn use / transgender issues / same-sex attraction — these are not the “unforgivable” sin. Yet sexual sin can destroy relationships and opens wide the door to anxiety and shame, even addictions. And it grieves the Holy Spirit.
In this article, you’ll discover 3 paths to freedom from sexual sin and to renewal.
Share your story safely.
Have an “escape plan.”
Guard your heart.
1. Share Your Story of Sexual Sin
First, choose a safe person such as a trusted, female Christian friend or a pastor’s wife to share your story of sexual sin.
But what if you don’t have a safe person in your life? Then please contact me or another counselor on the Heart2Heart Counselor Directory at my website. We listen deep and don’t condemn..
And when you share your story, and someone really listens, you will begin to sense hope. Even shame and fear start to dissipate. Soon you’ll think that you really can change, that you aren’t stuck.
2. Have an Escape Plan
Second, as you share with someone you trust, you’ll also need an escape plan. Wonderfully, God has provided the way of escape. Consider 1 Corinthians 10:13, which is full of hope and promise.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
On your plan, you may want to include these items:
names of trusted godly girlfriends to call when tempted.
specific Bible verses to think on.
Internet protection like Covenant Eyes.
a list of places to go when tempted, such as the gym or coffee shop.
Remember, Jesus was tempted by Satan for 40 days in the desert and didn’t sin. (Temptation itself is not wrong.) Check out Matthew 4:1-11 and see how Jesus responded.
3. Guard Your Heart
Third, guard your heart by daily Bible reading and prayer, and learn to replace the world’s lies with God’s truth.
As you guard what you put in your mind, your heart responds. Your heart is the part of you that thinks, feels, and make choices. It is your spiritual inner person.
So freedom from sexual sin requires a heart set on pleasing God, not self.We act on what we think, and this is why biblical counseling focuses on right thinking as defined by God’s standard, the Bible.
Changing Heart Desires
In counseling women in sexual sin of any kind, I’ve discovered a two-fold process in renewing the mind and changing the desires of the heart.
Sex in a Broken World: How Christ Redeems What Sin Distorts, written by Biblical Counselor Paul David Tripp, honestly looks at sexuality as a fundamental part of what it means to be human and a part of God’s beautiful design when he created all things. And yet, sex today is nothing like the way that God intended it to be. Sexual brokenness surrounds us. But there’s hope!
“Everything is affected by brokenness” (p. 19), Tripp writes.
“If you don’t understand your address, you will live with all kinds of unrealistic expectations, and you will be way too naïve. . . .You’d better understand, and help those entrusted to you to understand. . . that brokenness doesn’t live just outside you but inside you as well. This is important to get, because the brokenness inside will hook you to the temptations outside” (p. 19).
This message rings throughout Tripp’s writings, unfolding a robust gospel and making rich applications. Tripp is masterful at presenting everyday scenarios that resonate with his readers and leave them hungry for the solution. The gospel itself is not new, but how many of us have considered that sexual sin fundamentally denies the grace of God?
“[Sex] sells you the lie that physical pleasure is the pathway to spiritual peace. Sex is the work of the Creator’s hands but tends to promise you what only the Creator can deliver. It is beautiful in itself but has become distorted and dangerous by means of the fall” (p. 30).
Approach
Tripp’s plethora of vignettes hit close to home, including a description of one man’s gradual path through self-deception, leading to the capture of his heart and his fall into adultery. He explains,
“The struggle for sexual purity is not so much a struggle with sex but with the proneness of our hearts to wander, that is, with the tendency of every sinner to look for fulfillment of heart where it cannot be found” (p. 153-154).
Therefore, Tripp takes an approach unlike other books about sex. He offers no descriptions of body parts and functions, and no techniques. Rather, he targets the motivations and deceptions that drive the mind and heart into bondage. Believing that education and behavioral change are effective only when the heart and mind are informed by the gospel, he focuses there.
Hope
Even as it sets out the bleakness of our sexual insanity, Sex in a Broken World offers hope on every page. Tripp unveils the pervasiveness of human error, insipid desire, dichotomous thinking, and wandering hearts. But he invites his audience to recognize God at the center of the mess, holding forth grace as mankind’s Creator, Owner, and Redeemer. Readers will find themselves drawn into the storylines but captivated by the gospel that presents God as the unrivaled hero and the only One worthy of worship.
The Gospel Counteracts Sexual Insanity
Biblical counselors will not be surprised to hear that Tripp’s discussion directly targets the desires of the heart, trumpeting the dominant theme, ‘sex is not about you’ and a clear call to personal responsibility: “You need to face that fact that your body will wander where your heart has already gone” (p. 63). While his arguments may sound familiar, his application to sexual sin is striking and poignant. Counselees whose hearts have been captured by sexual sin will find themselves helped by the candor and laser-like perceptions that demonstrate the gospel’s relevance and necessity. The reader will no longer believe that self-reformation is possible. But that message is drenched in hope because God’s presence and Christ’s effectual sacrifice are central to the discussion.
The final two chapters of Sex in a Broken World are worth the price of the book. Tripp presents a ‘think list’ of gospel truths to declaw the lies that drive sexual sin. For example, Tripp presents the following negative statements:
“You don’t have to be ashamed that you’re a sexual being” (p. 152). “You don’t have to deny that you’re a sinner” (p. 154). “You don’t have to fight your battle alone” (p. 159). Then he concludes with some positive statements, including: “I have all the resources I need” (p. 173). “There is someone who understands me” (p. 175). “Change is possible for me” (p. 176). “Weakness is not my big problem, but my delusion of strength is” (p. 177).
Conclusion
Sex in a Broken World examines the problem of sex insanity through the gospel’s big magnifying glass, opening the eyes of the deceived by illuminating the beauty of the truth about sexuality, its connection with the Creator, and His larger purposes. Both biblical counselor and counselee will find rich material to define biblical sex and to offer grace while exposing the dark trap of sexual sin and how its deception captures a heart. Because the problem clearly unfolds as between the sinner and God, the reader is forced to face his own culpability without pointing at the faults of others: a major strength of this volume.
Tripp’s books trumpet a recognizable theme: The gospel is absolutely essential and relevant in our insane world.Click & Tweet! Every human heart is relentlessly prone to wander, but the message of redemption enlightens the mind and heart with truth that sets us free. I know of no other book that so profoundly and effectively presents the cross of Jesus Christ as the answer to sexual insanity.
“[T]he cross assures me that I already have in my personal spiritual storehouse everything I could ever need. Could it be possible to preach this to yourself too much?” (p. 174) “…we are not left to our own foolishness. There is One who is wisdom, who gifts us with wisdom we would never, ever have without him. We need to tell this to ourselves again and again” (p. 179).
I agree.
BCC Staff Note:Sex in a Broken World: How Christ Redeems What Sin Distorts can be purchased at Amazon or Biblical Counseling Books.
Engaged couples (and their loved ones), please pay attention for the common premarital pitfalls. Address them before you marry. This article by biblical counselor Eliza Jane Huie appeared first here on The Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used by permission.
As a marriage counselor, I have seen my share of troubled marriages. While each marital crisis is unique, one thing is universal for these couples: they did not get married to be miserable. They, like you, hoped to live happily ever after. They didn’t plan on one day looking at each other and questioning the decision of “till death do us part.”
In many cases, the troubles these couples face predate the marriage. The marital disappointments connect to the couple’s interaction before they said, “I do.”
1. Expecting Your Fiancé or the Relationship to Carry Too Much
If your relationship has advanced to engagement, it means you have shared significant moments together. You are likely a source of strength for each other. Your fiancé may know you better than anyone else. This is wonderful and probably a big reason why you want to spend the rest of your life together.
However, if your fiancé or the relationship is your ultimate source of hope or help, it will be more than the person or relationship can bear. We are designed to be dependent, but that dependency must always be ultimately on the Lord (Ps. 62:5-8).
Have you felt the weight of being the source of your fiancé’s emotional balance?
Is your fiancé the only one you turn to when you need hope?
Does the status of your relationship determine your happiness?
Couples must point each other to the Lord. You can pray together and share Scripture to encourage each other. These are wonderful habits, but you both need to personally be resting in Jesus and looking ultimately and regularly to Him. Jesus is the best savior and refuge for your fiancé; you are not able to carry that weight (Ps. 46:1). This truth must be the foundation on which you build your marriage.
2. Swimming at Only One End of the Conversational Pool
When a couple only occupies the shallow end of this pool, they ignore vital conversations. They have a lot of fun and often have great memories of exciting times. They talk about the things they enjoy doing or interests they both have. Life is fun, just like kids playing in the shallow end of the pool.
But when things get difficult, talking is hard. They tend to get out of the pool when conversations go deep. They don’t have the relational stamina to swim in the deep end. It’s exhausting.
On the other end of this pool are the couples who tend to only swim in the deep end. Their conversations are often about vital areas of the relationship. They discuss their relationship, faith, family, and plans very deeply (and often late into the night).
When they have conflict, they talk through all the areas of hurt or misunderstanding. Every aspect of their relationship has deep meaning, and they intend to find it. While this kind of relationship has more stamina to tread the waters of deep conversation, they can lack the enjoyment, playful interaction, and rest that the shallow end can bring. This too is exhausting.
Couples need both. You need to know how to enjoy the less deep end of life that finds joy and pleasure in the little blessings all around you (1 Tim. 6:7). You also need to have the relational stamina to go deep with one another and not drown (Prov. 20:5). Learning this balance now will greatly help your future marriage.
Sex is also one of the most significant ways couples experience betrayal. Sex can build or break trust in a relationship. Infidelity or adultery is when married couples take sex outside of God’s plan (Ex. 20:14). Fornication or sexual immorality is when unmarried couples take sex outside of God’s plan (1 Thess. 4:3-5). These activities are battering rams to the walls of trust in your relationship and future marriage.
If you are engaging sexually now, you and your fiancé are saying, “I am willing to compromise on God’s plan of faithfulness for our relationship.” If you and your fiancé will compromise on faithfulness to God’s plan now, why should you trust that compromise in faithfulness won’t happen once you are married?
God wants you to have sex. He just wants you to enjoy it the way He designed it (Heb. 13:4). His design protects your future marriage. His design also builds trust into your relationship.
As you read through these pitfalls, did you see some characteristics of your relationship? If so, it isn’t a deal-breaker but it should be a conversation starter.
The Lord is a redeeming God. He is gracious and forgiving. Turn to Him for grace and consider talking with someone about these pitfalls. Seek out a wise mentor, a respected married couple, or a biblical counselor. Share this with them and begin the conversation. Having these conversations will help you now and in your future marriage.
Questions for Reflection
Of the three areas above, which concerns you most about your relationship? What will you do to address it wisely?
Complaints in marriage are as plentiful as summer dandelions. Left alone, they multiply and their roots grow deeper. Guest writer and Heart2Heart Counselor Julie Ganschow gives effective, biblical cures to marital complaints. Her article appeared first here on her website and is used by permssion.
It’s no secret that most of the couples who come for biblical counseling have marriages that are in trouble. The reasons won’t surprise you much, the solutions might!
Here are some common complaints and some rapid-fire thoughts I have on how to fix your marriage. The complaints are nothing new and fall into the typical categories: time, money, and sex. The mother of all complaints: “I’m not happy.” Usually at least one person will tell us they are not happy with their marriage.
Spending Time Together
It really surprises me how little time couples spend together and how much of marriage is conducted via text message. If you are a wife whose primary means of “talking” to your husband is a text message or a social media post I have some advice for you–STOP IT. It is impossible to have a true relationship in 140 characters or through your cell phone text box.
Spending time together is the only way a couple will remain a couple. Every couple needs a date night. EVERY couple, EVERY week needs to go on a date.
For those of you who don’t remember what a “date” actually is I will refresh your memory. A date is when a man asks a woman to accompany him somewhere outside the house for several hours. A date can include dinner, coffee, dessert, water over ice, seeing a show or movie (not my personal favorite because there is no communication), a walk, a boat ride, a ride in the car or on horseback. In short, anything that the two of you do together for the purpose of enjoying each others company can be a date.
The couple can take turns determining what date night will consist of, or one person can always decide. It does not have to cost a fortune or any money at all. The purpose of a date is to enjoy being alone together.
TALK while you are together. LEARN what is going on in each others lives during the day. LISTEN to your spouse talk about their hopes, dreams, job, latest project, favorite cooking show, the thing that bothers them the most, their favorite color, or hand tool. Talking leads to relationship building, relationship building leads to understanding.
Talk about money and finances. Create and live by a budget! Discuss what your financial goals are for your family in 1-5-10 years and beyond. All of these things lead to what is known as happiness. Relationship building will also lead to that emotional connectedness that will increase sexual desire with your spouse.
Sex and Marriage
While I am at it, let’s talk a bit about sex. I am really astonished that so many Christian marriages are sex-less! It is heartbreaking to listen to couples say there is no physical desire between them, or that one partner could live without sexual intimacy for the rest of their lives.
People…can I tell you how wrong that is?! Husbands and wives are to meet each other’s physical needs on a regular basis. If you have no desire for one another, get to the doctor and be sure you have no medical condition that needs addressing. Once that is taken care of, if there is still no desire for sexual intimacy with your husband it is clear you have relationship issues that must be addressed.
3 Common Desire Killers
ONE: being overweight. Yes, I dare to say it. As a person who struggles with her own weight, there have been times when I was self-conscious about my appearance because I packed on a few too many pounds.
I didn’t want to be physical because I thought I looked bad. Few women will admit it, but many know it’s true; some women hide from intimacy behind their size. The “simple” solution….you already know it. Lose the weight, every pound helps.
TWO: tiredness. Some women just do too many things in a day and are too tired to be interested in physical intimacy. If this is you, cut things out of your daily schedule that are non-essential like crafts, book reading, television watching, and so on, and go to bed early with your spouse! If you have time, take a short nap so you are refreshed and awake enough to be interested.
THREE: kids in your bed. Get the kids out of your bed and your bedroom. Your children do not need to sleep with you, even if you are nursing them! It is dangerous to have them in bed because they can be crushed as you sleep. It is also wrong to use the kids as a shield against intimacy. Even if they cry, like their little heart is breaking in the beginning I promise, your little one will be just fine in his or her own bed or crib.
You and your husband need the private time in your room that will grow your relationship. Once the kids are out of there, determine not to have difficult discussions in your bedroom either. There are most likely several other places to have unpleasant discussions in your home.
Your bedroom should be your sanctuary, the place that is uniquely yours as a couple. Fix it up in a way that stirs up romance and desire. If the television is a distraction, get it out of there and replace it with soft, sensual music. Repaint, recover, or redecorate if you can afford it. These things are simple and will help your mindset turn toward romance.
These are only a few of the more basic complaints and cures to think about if your marriage is a mess.
Self-gratificaiton, also called masturbation, is the topic of biblical counselor Julie Ganschow’s all-time favorite posts on her blog, appearing first here and is used with permission. Julie is also listed in Heart2Heart Counselor Directory on my website. (If you are a conselor and would like a listing, let’s talk.) –LAM
This issue has been a long time in coming to the blog. I undertake it with some fear and trepidation because of the sensitivity of the topic in such a public forum. However, because this topic holds such power over so many women I will enter into this arena for your benefit and for the glory of God.
I have counseled many, many women who are struggling with this issue. They have no idea where to turn for information or help. They believe it is sinful and are burdened with guilt and shame. These women fear being discovered. And they fear their secret being uncovered. They are afraid of being judged.
For help we have to go to the Scriptures to see what God’s Word says about the issue. What we will quickly learn is there is no direct reference or prohibition to masturbation in Scripture.
There are certainly direct commands to avoid types of sexual behavior such as adultery (Ex. 20:14), bestiality (Lev. 18:23 , homosexuality (1 Cor. 6:9), fornication (Eph. 5:3), orgies (Rom. 13:13; Gal. 5:21) and the like. But nothing that directly tells a person not to participate in self-gratifying sexual conduct. There is nothing telling a person to do it either.
Now before you think there is a green light to go forward with the behavior, let me clearly state I am not saying that.
My task is to present what the Word of God says about this topic, and I must be true to the text. So, I cannot say the Bible says something that it does not say. Inded, what is required is that we look further at what Scripture says about sexual immorality to determine if despite masturbation not being specifically mentioned, it is included in some other aspect of that group of sins.
Self-Gratification and Porn
Most people who engage in this practice achieve a state of arousal by viewing or reading pornography. This is either hard-core or suggestive enough to bring arousal to the forefront of the mind. Because the mind is so effective at storing information, many times a person can recall something they viewed or read previously to meditate or play over in their thoughts at any time.
I think we all would agree that the consumption of pornography of any kind is sinful. It is at the least voyeurism and at the most adultery. Pornography both creates and feeds sinful lusts in the flesh, something Scripture commands us to abandon.
For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do—living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. 1 Peter 4:3
Debauchery (extreme indulgence in immorality) will be the inevitable result of pornography. While many claim to be able to “moderate” with pornography, statistically people gravitate toward more and more forbidden behaviors as they view it. This in my opinion is one evidence that our flesh grows more corrupt (Eph. 4:22) the more it is fed.
Secondly, Scripture is also clear on our obligation to put to death the desires of the flesh.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality (pornea- unlawful lust), impurity (physical or moral uncleanliness), lust (suffering a passionate lust), evil desires (a longing for forbidden desire) and greed (covetous practices), which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5
More Questions About Self-Gratification
Is it immoral?
The question before us then is, is masturbation a form of sexual immorality? Based on the above Scripture, I would say it is. Self-sexual stimulation stirs up an unlawful lust and leads to forbidden desires and passions that cannot be righteously satisfied.
It becomes idolatry when satisfying those desires is more important than glorifying God.
What about widows and divorced women?
A common complaint from women is with respect to what to do with “illegitimate” arousal. This is arousal that is a result of prior sexual contact and having that person or practice removed from your life. This can take place in the life of a widow, a divorced woman, one who is no longer living with a man, or someone who wants to break free from the old habits of self-gratification.
Those desires are still there and are used to being satisfied. In the case of a widow or divorcee sexual satisfaction was a part of normal life, and is now history.
I believe the admonition to put to death the desires of the flesh applies to all forms of desire that cannot be righteously satisfied within the bounds of a marital relationship. Widows are encouraged to remarry rather than burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:8-9). I believe that women who are divorced having been abandoned or who have been given clearance by their churches to remarry in the Lord would also fall into that category.
As for the rest, Scripture commands them to put to death the desires of the flesh.
What’s the godly way to handle self-gratification?
If we are commanded to put something to death, that sounds very final to me. And to put it to death means to snuff the life out of it, to kill it off, to cut off the flow of its life blood. In the case of sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires that would mean to stop doing anything that keeps those things alive. Those who struggle with any kind of sexual immorality have to evaluate their daily activities to determine what must be put to death to keep them from entering into sexual immorality.
For each person the trap is different, so I won’t list them. The origin of it all is the same for this sin as for any other: the heart. (You can check out these links here.)
Engaged couples (and their loved ones),
Complaints in marriage are as plentiful as summer dandelions. Left alone, they multiply and their roots grow deeper. Guest writer and Heart2Heart Counselor Julie Ganschow gives effective, biblical cures to marital complaints. Her article appeared first 
Self-gratificaiton, also called masturbation,
