7 Tips to Make a Great Apology

7 Tips to Make a Great Apology

When we are under a lot of stress, our anger may bubble over and scorch someone. Then what?

We may think that we are justified in our anger and that the other person deserved our hot words or our icy stare. But Scripture provides a better way: confession leading to forgiveness. In other words: an apology!

Here is an article I wrote for the Biblical Counseling Coalition in the middle of the 2020 pandemic. I hope it helps!

Jack and Jill needed help in making an apology. Yes, they are living the American dream: steady employment, a nice home, two healthy children, and a marriage that has lasted eleven years. But there is a problem. But under his successful veneer, Jack becomes angry when he doesn’t get what he wants and lets his family know it, loudly. Jill also gets mad—a quiet simmering, stewing kind of anger that is just as nasty as her husband’s.[1]

Each has said and done things that, at the time, made sense in the heat of their anger. Their relational pain prompted them to make an appointment with a biblical counselor who showed them from Scripture that an angry heart is the cause of their conflict (Matt. 5:21-22; Mark 7:20-23; Luke 6:43-45; James 4:1-2; 1 John 3:15).

This was news to Jack and Jill, both Christians. He had figured that his upbringing was at fault for his anger problem and that his wife’s monthly hormonal swings had caused her irritation. As they were beginning to each take responsibility for their own sin, Jack and Jill needed to replace their old way of sweeping their anger under the rug, which had only created more problems (James 1:19-20).[2]

It is essential to relational healing for the wrongdoer to confess to the harmed party how he or she failed. We often call this “making an apology.” This blog post covers a sliver of forgiveness—specifically, seven parts of an apology, outlined by Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker. Making an apology is an art that requires humility. But usually, we mumble a quick “I’m sorry” or say, “Let’s just forget it, okay?” These non-apologies rarely bring about true forgiveness and may deepen resentment.

So, what’s a better way? Consider “Seven A’s of Confession.”[3]

1. Address Everyone Included

First, confess your sin to God (Ps. 32:5; 41:4), then to every person who has been touched by it. Ken Sande differentiates between a “heart sin” and a “social sin.” “A “heart sin” takes place only in your thoughts and does not directly affect others. Therefore, it needs to be confessed only to God.”[4] But often, a sin is not only a heart sin but a social sin that is evident in our behavior. When Jill felt anger toward Jack, for example, she very rarely talked to him about it; instead, she became irritated and sniped at him and their children. In counseling, she learned of her need to confess the sin of grumbling to each of them and seek their forgiveness.

2. Avoid If, But, and Maybe

Using these words negates the confession, for it shifts the blame to others or minimizes guilt. The best example: “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you.” Isn’t it amazing that the tiny word “if” ruins this frequent “confession”? It implies that the person does not know whether there was any wrongdoing in the first place.

Other examples of non-confessions:[5]

“I shouldn’t have gotten mad, but I was tired.”

“I know I was wrong, but so were you.”   

3. Admit Specifically

The more detailed the apology, the better. Rather than saying, “I acted like a jerk yesterday,” you might say, “I’ve been taking out my frustrations on you. I have had a lot of stress caring for the kids, but this doesn’t give me an excuse to criticize you and nag you.”

When possible, identify how you violated God’s will. When you detail your wrong and focus on where you need to change, then the other person is more likely to respond positively to your apology.

4. Acknowledge the Hurt

Acknowledgment may rightly sound like, “I can only imagine that you felt fearful when I didn’t come home until late last night” or “I can only imagine that when you found a porn site in my search history, you felt deeply hurt and angry.” For an apology to be effective and meaningful, you must express sorrow. The sorrow must be genuine, of course: “For godly sorrow produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Cor. 7:10). People see through a fake confession, and it simply makes things worse (Prov. 6:16-19).

5. Accept the Consequences

Winston Smith relates a story of forgiveness granted easily to someone who had sideswiped his wife’s car and had left a note on the windshield, admitting wrongdoing and offering to pay for repairs. “After a few phone calls and a trip to the body shop, the car was repaired, and a check from the offender came in the mail. All was forgiven.”[6]This person acknowledged their wrongdoing and accepted the consequences.

We read examples of restitution in the Bible, too. A primary example is the chief tax collector, Zacchaeus, who had climbed a sycamore tree. What made his confession believable was his eagerness to pay back the people he had cheated. When he met Jesus, he declared that he’d give half of his possessions to the poor, and “if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount” (Luke 19:8). The greater your willingness to repair the damage you may have caused, the more believable your confession.

6. Alter Your Behavior

In counseling, Jack and Jill came to understand that their anger arose from a selfish heart. Jack wanted peace and quiet; Jill desired comfort. Jack learned to repent of the evil desires that produced his anger and to receive God’s forgiving grace.[7] Likewise, Jill became aware that she was bitter toward her husband and turned to Jesus in repentance and faith.[8]

As they each confessed their sin to God and thanked Him for His forgiveness, they began to alter their behavior. One change they made was to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). A second was to keep no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5). A third was to listen well (James 1:19). Sande recommends a written plan that details the changes you plan to make because it “shows you take the matter seriously and are willing to spend substantial time planning how to change.”[9] He also suggests listing specific goals and objectives so that you have an objective way to measure progress toward the goal of making a heartfelt apology.

7. Ask for Forgiveness (and Allow Time)

Very often, if you’ve completed the previous six steps, when you ask, “Will you forgive me?” forgiveness will be granted readily. The question itself signals that you have completed the apology and that it is the other person’s turn to respond. While Scripture commands believers to forgive (Col. 3:13), sometimes granting forgiveness is difficult. It may take time, especially if the hurt is deep.

Sande makes this suggestion:

If you sense that the person to whom you confessed is simply not ready to forgive you, it may be helpful to say something like this: “I know I have deeply hurt you, and I can understand why you would have a hard time forgiving me. I hope that you will soon be able to forgive me, because I want very much to be reconciled. In the meantime, I will pray for you. I will do my best to repair the damage I caused as quickly as possible… If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.”[10]

If forgiveness is still slow in coming even after you’ve made this appeal, then you may need to go back over the previous six steps to make sure you’ve made a good apology. It is also possible that the other person doesn’t understand the biblical concept of forgiveness.[11] In this case, you may need to humbly provide the necessary information. Another option is to ask for help from a pastor or trusted Christian friend.

Of course, not every apology requires all of these steps. But if the hurt is deep or is a compilation of many lesser offenses, then using this template may prove wise. Do not let the steps themselves become a ritual, however, as had Sande. He confesses, “I have caught myself going through the Seven A’s simply to get a burden off my shoulders and minimize the consequences of my sin. In the process, I heaped greater burdens on the person I had already wronged.”[12]

Truly, making an apology is an art. As God opens your eyes to how you’ve hurt others, He’ll also give you the desire and the grace to seek forgiveness from Him and from the one you’ve offended. While many of us know what forgiveness is, it is always good to understand the parts of an effective apology. These seven steps will help you to avoid a wishy-washy apology and provide an expression of regret that leads to genuine forgiveness and reconciliation.

Questions for Reflection

  1. Which of these seven parts of an apology are either new to you or are difficult for you?
  2. Do you push the person you’ve offended to accept your apology right away? Why is this a wrong way of handling an apology?

 

[1] Robert D. Jones, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing Company, 2005), 13. Jones uses the fictitious story of Jack and Jill to help the reader understand biblical truth concerning anger. His book is among the very best on the topic.

[2] Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed., Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004, 136-137. Among the many compounding problems are reckless words, grumbling and complaining, lying, slander, malicious thoughts, stubbornness, vengeance, bitterness, defensiveness, and withholding mercy and forgiveness.

[3] Ibid., 126-133.

[4] Ibid., 127.

[5] Ibid., 128.

[6] J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, Untangling Emotions (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2019), 204.

[7] Jones, Uprooting Anger, 148.

[8] Ibid., 149.

[9] Sande, The Peacemaker, 132.

[10] Ibid., 133.

[11] This blog post does not begin to cover all of what forgiveness is. One excellent resource I recommend is Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2008). Author Chris Brauns helps his readers understand when and how to forgive.

[12] Ibid., 133.

2 Steps to Get Unstuck

2 Steps to Get Unstuck

You need to repent of idols of the heart. Idols of the heart are ruling desires of your heart. Begin by identifying the heart with these two questions:

1. Is your desire, “Not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42, NIV)?

2. Or does your cry sound more like demands for security, approval, comfort, and love? 

When you want security, approval, comfort, and love, and get want you demand, pride will fill you. Underneath the veneer of pride and self-righteousness are emotions like anxiety, anger, and discouragement and actions like seething, shouting, nail-biting, insomnia, overeating, and self-loathing.

Just as the prodigal son demanded his way, just as the older son self-righteously sneered at his brother when he returned home, chances are you too have ruling desires of the heart that are unholy.

Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you negative thoughts, critical speech, gossip, bitterness, immorality, and anything else that exposes a self-ruled heart.

You may want to jot down what the Holy Spirit reveals to you. What are the “rotten fruit” that expose the ruling desires of your heart?

Did you know that what rules your heart, rules you?

Faithfully yours,

Lucy

Saying Sorry Versus True Repentance

sorry

When you hurt someone’s feelings, is it enough to say “I’m sorry”?

Or do these words fall flat when spoken without godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10)? Is there a preferred alternative? Is so, what?

Years ago these questions swirled in my mind when one of my children called her sibling a name, snatched an item without permission, or smacked her on the head.

In this short article, I’ll share. . .

  1. an experiment that flopped
  2. the change that made the difference.

The main point: Don’t raise a little pharisee who knows the right words to say. Instead, train up a child to who desires to please the Lord.

The ‘I’m Sorry’ Method

Several Christian moms at my church, Bible study, and MOPS swore by a method to change their dear children’s behavior after a skirmish.

Picture this scenario: Carrie tiptoes into older sister Mary’s closet and snags a super cool top to wear. Later Mary sees Carrie at school in her top and pointed words fly like daggers. Later at home their mom learns of the problem and tells the swiper to return the top and say “I’m sorry” followed by “I forgive you” from the other sister, then they hug. She requires both girls to say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” for the mean words, and they hug again.

The mom in the scenario truly believes she’s getting to the root of the problem and that the girls learned a valuable lesson about taking without asking first and using hateful words. Have you found yourself in a similar situation? How did you discipline your kids?

My Experiment

Sort of hopeful (but not confident) this method would work, I tried a week-long experiment with my three children. I clued in my husband. A united front, right?

The plan: When one child was mean in some way to another, the offending kid had to say, “I’m sorry” whether or not she felt sorry. The offended kid had to say, “I forgive you” whether or not she truly forgave her — and they hugged.

The goal: to instill a humble, contrite spirit leading to true repentance. But did it work?

Ah, no.

Laura called Julia a name, said “I’m sorry” while rolling her eyes, and Julia said “I forgive you” with great enthusiasm, bless her heart. Their hug resembled a vice grip you might witness on WWE. Within minutes John hit Julia in the face with a bouncy ball. It was an accident.

“I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

Vice-grip hug.

Those two began throwing things at each other just to get to the vice-grip hug. Laura was “like whatever” and escaped to her bedroom.

When a lamp crashed and a cat flew out of the way, I stopped the experiment. I could not handle another six days! 

The  experiment flopped.

My children said the right words without an inkling of repentance. I was raising vice-grip loving, little Pharisees!

Change That Makes the Difference

The real point behind genuine sorrow is repentance. Wordly sorrow is fakery; it’s death.

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death (2 Corninthians 7:10).

“Sorrow,” in this context, refers to sorrow that is according to the will of God and produced by the Holy Spirit, says pastor John MacArthur whose Grace to You media ministry reaches millions. True repentance is impossible apart from genuine sorrow over one’s sin.

sorryThis was my problem and my kids’ problem: The “I’m sorry” were just words, not genuine sorrow.

Worldly sorrow has no redeeming value. This type of “I’m sorry” results from getting caught in a sin or from wounded pride, and leads to shame, despair, self-pity, and even death (see Mattew 27:3 for the account of Judas’ hanging).

Genuine repentance is at the very heart of one’s salvation. Believers repent of their sin continually as they turn from loveless thoughts, words, behaviors, and motivations and turn to God.

A person who is truly repentant experiences change in the inner person. Consider this:

But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. (Matthew 15:18-19, NIV)

The Pharisees were experts in “good” behavior–as my children became adept at saying “I’m sorry” and vice-grip hugs–and missed heart change. True repentance cuts to the heart.

An Offer

Are your kids (young or older) driving you nuts? Do you need encouragment and godly counsel? Consider scheduling a free 15-minute phone call with me; contact me and we’ll set it up.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

lucy-signature-blue

Ask the Counselor: I Messed Up BIG

God-cleans-up-big-messesIn this “Ask the Counselor,” a counselee asked me a personal question. We had counseled for a couple months — and topics like emotional adultery, porn, addiction, same-sex attraction had woven into our conversations.

{BONUS: Grab the download at the end of this post. It’ll help you COMMUNICATE well and wonderfully!} 

I appreciated her candor, and even more, her willingness to change and to love God and neighbor, so her question flowed fresh like a Colorado stream.

Q: “What do you do, Lucy, when you mess up big? I mean, HUGE.”

A: I sent her a personal message that I’d like to share with you with her permission. Messing up big happens among believers. Jesus’ gift of salvation paid the debt we owed, that I owed. You see, we’re in process. The church-y word for this process is sanctification.

Three examples:

King David had sex with a married woman and arranged for the murder of her husband. 2 Samuel 11

Rahab ran a brothel. Joshua 2

Saul (later Paul) went a killing spree of Christ followers. Acts 8:1

Yes. We mess up BIG.

Yes. God loves you in your monstrous mistakes. 

My Answer (where I spill my guts): 

Typically, when I mess up big time, first I yell at myself:

Lucy, you are so stupid. Such an idiot. What will people think? God must hate me.”

Then, after falling into a pit of self-pity and self-despair (note emphasis on self),  I sometimes buy myself a bottle of Chardonnay to numb my pain. Dumb, I know. Sinful, yes. I sense a nudge. The nudge is gentle. I know it’s God.

Sometimes I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to hear him say, “LOSER!” Another nudge. Gentle. So gentle that I. . .

. . .dare to believe God really does love me though I messed up big. Really big. Skyscraper big.

And I Remind Myself

I remind myself that God is Love. I look up, eyes on Jesus. My heart bows in worship. “Wisdom, Lord, I need wisdom,” I whisper. “You promise to give wisdom to those who ask and I am asking. Now. I need your wisdom. I need you.”

If I can, I make amends. This is scary for me because I don’t like to admit my messes. The Bible calls it pride. I think about seeking forgiveness from the one I harmed. God nudges. I obey. . .usually.

God and I have a chat. I try to listen. Listening is a skill I’m learning and he shows me that he is the Way and the Truth and the Life. I feel sorrow.  My godly sorrow leads to repentance. Again, I may drag my feet. Perhaps this is my new nickname: Foot-dragger. Another nudge. Gentle. Persistent. I receive God’s grace gift. And I repent of my big-time mess:

“God, you are God and I am not. I am sorry for my sin and I thank you for your forgiveness. I repent of sinning against you. Help me to trust and obey you. I need your help. I need you. Praise be your most holy name. Amen.”

As I shared my answer with my counselee, I hoped she’d see that I’m a fellow traveler and that I am NOT a know-it-all. I am broken by my messes and awed by God’s beauty. It’s not about me. My eyes focus best on God.

A Word of Hope

Friends, if my words touched your heart, please know that we believers, who are in Christ, have a great God who loves to bless us. He blesses us in many, many way. The sky is not the limit for him. By golly, he made the sky.

He may bless through bounty or by not giving you what you want. He knows what’s best for you and wants to give you the very best. His purpose isn’t to make you happy here on this earth; he desires something much, much better for you: to grow you up into the likeness of his Son and our Savior, Jesus.

This is true happiness — loving God, loving others, admit when you’re wrong, and don’t beat yourself up.

DOWNLOAD: Here’s a download on the 5 Rules of Biblical Communication

photo credit: ashley rose, via photopin cc

 

 

Why God Wants You to Fly

fly

Did you know, God wants you to fly? Yes, fly.

Fly free of today’s guilt. Yesterday’s mistakes. Last week’s mess-ups!

You are made for heaven. This is not your home. Read that again, this is not your home.

God knows Satan wants to take you down while He lifts you up up up. Just as he lifted up Jesus on a cross in love. Jesus died for your sins and mine on that horrific day.

Do you know how much God loves you? Have you opened the gift of salvation?

The Struggle

Like the apostle Paul we struggle. We Christians still make ugly choices (i.e., sin) all the time.

In my pride, I want to pretend I’m better than that. The truth is, I screw up. You screw up. The bible calls it our sin nature.

Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (Romans 7:20-25, NIV, emphasis mine)

We were born in Adam; when you and I became believers in the one true God, we got a new identity in Christ. We are now in Christ. As crazy as it sounds, we are saints in God’s eyes. Ephesians 1:3

Sinning saints.

Sinning saints. . .this is who we are in Christ until the rapture or God takes us home. What’s a sinning saint to do?

Repent. Repentance is more than saying “I’m sorry.”

Repentace: A Super Gift

Repentance is one of God’s many gifts to us. It’s restoration and peace and joy and hope sweet hope. I had thought is was a real drag. Right up there with, , ,

bouncing a check

getting a call from the school principal

having a root canal

How wrong could I be?

Repentance Is Happiness

Repentance is happiness. Tweet that! Seriously. It’s a U-turn in your thinking. When you decide to turn from your selfish desires and seek God, you experience peace and contentment. Repenting of a wrong is motivating. It motivates you to change.

Not because you have to. Because you want to.

You sense the Holy Spirit flowing through you like a river. Truly and wonderfully amazing.

Let’s Chat

Why might repentance be happiness? Please leave a comment. 🙂

 

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