by Lucy | May 8, 2018 | biblical counseling, relationships
Boundaries: Do they help or hurt? Donna Hart, PhD., listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, considers boundaries in light of the Bible and shares her valuable insights. Her article appeared first here and is used with permission.
We have been hearing so much in the news about the contentious topic of whether our country should have a border wall or not. This strongly debated issue reminds us that we also struggle with whether we should have boundaries. Boundaries are deeply familiar to us. The word boundaries gives us an image of people wearing masks creating a subtle barrier suggesting that people desire to erect boundaries.
On the other hand, the quest for authenticity and the desire to be known cause us to feel constrained by boundaries. We have a desire for personal connection, hinting that we hope for a day when we have more open borders and can know and be known.
But when we look at boundaries in light of the Bible, we note that separation is an essential ingredient of the fallen order and union is an essential feature of the gospel.
Jesus and Breaking Boundaries
Jesus breaks one boundary wall after another so we can live without confinement of walls. He broke the wall between man and Creator by becoming like us.
Ephesians 2:14-15 completes the picture:
For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments and ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, making peace…
In essence we learn boundaries are not intended to be a dominant feature of relationships. Instead, breaking relational boundaries is fundamental to life in Christ. We are to consider how to move toward one another in love, reconciliation, and forgiveness.
The problem is we set boundaries because we feel violated and seek to protect ourselves.
The boundaries image suggests that the problem is coming from outside of us. Yes problems, expectations, and demands can come at us. But Scripture emphasizes these problems come out of us.
Why “No” Is Hard
Let’s consider some motivations to our difficulty in saying no to things.
• Love does not always mean self-sacrifice. Although this is one expression of love, love can also mean discerning that it is wise to go on a date with your spouse even though your young children don’t want you to go out. Love and wisdom can mean saying no to certain things.
• We don’t want to disappoint others. “Many of us want to please other people and fear disappointing them. This is good and normal. However, this desire can quickly go south and become an idolatrous desire in which our goal is to never disappoint. When our hearts are set on this, the other-oriented command to love is reversed so that it becomes a self-oriented goal to never disappoint, to always have people pleased with us, to never have conflict. What seemed like a desire to not disappoint can mask the desire to have everyone pleased with us. The goal of Christ followers is to love others more than need love from them,” (Ed Welch, Journal of Biblical Counseling, Spring 2004, p20.)
• We over-estimate our own importance and under-estimate God’s care for us. We live as if we existed as lone-rangers, frantically putting out fires as the wind blows sparks to start a new fire. (We might call this self-determined self-sufficiency rather than dependence on God).
• We overvalue how important we are and undervalue the gifts and talents God has given to others to serve us. It is an expression of faith to ask for help because we know we are limited creatures.
Wisdom from the Great Commandment
One of the important parts of wisdom is that it keep us focused on the two great commandments to love God and neighbor. Love can mean that we take a bullet for someone. Or, it might mean we throw them out of the house.
Love is always willing to look at our own hearts first when there is trouble in a relationship.
Love is the reason why we establish a boundaries. It says NO to evil. When possible it puts limits around sin and its consequences. The goal is always to bless enemies and lead them to repentance (Romans 12:14-21).
Boundaries can have both negative and positive characteristics.
Some positive characteristics:
- We erect barriers between ourselves and areas of temptation.
- We maintain boundaries when there are questions about physical safety.
- In extreme situations, we “do not cast our pearls before swine” (Matt. 7:6).
- And we “expel the wicked man from among you” (1 Cor. 5:13).
But we must be careful not to let boundaries become a lifestyle. Also, we must be aware of when we are thinking more about self-protection than love.
The guiding principle to think about is how we can break down the walls between ourselves and others rather than building them.
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Sep 29, 2015 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Do you know how to help a woman with sexual stain? She may have had many partners before age 25 or had been sexually active in junior high, or earlier. Perhaps she was abused as a child then later chose a promiscuous lifestyle?
Do you know what to say? What not to say?
Do you know how to listen? How to guide her? Please know there’s hope. Jesus did not condemn the woman caught in adultery; he doesn’t condemn your friend or you. He has compassion for the broken-hearted. Listen:
The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” John 8:3-11
(If you have a sexually stained past, do you want help? Feel free to send me a message. Click HERE.)
Sexual Stain Is No Surprise
What you have seen in movies — and movie trailers, and prime time TV, and daytime TV, and DVDs, and video games, and billboards — is in your church. Many women in your church carry pain caused by sexual sin.
Are you surprised? Don’t be. The Bible predicted increasing sexual perversity.
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God (2 Timothy 3:1-4, NIV).
Abusive? Yeah. Without love? That too. Rash? You’ve heard of hookups no doubt; even girls in junior high boast which guy they “slept” with the previous night — and she may not know his name! Without self-control? Ditto. Lovers of pleasure? A counterfeit pleasure.
A while back, my then teenaged daughter told me an eighth-grader at her school was pregnant. She was bothered but not upset. It seems every other young movie star or singer is carrying some guy’s baby. Like, whatever.
Many of our daughters and sons may have a blase attitude toward promiscuity. So do adults, many of them believers. Satan has deceived them. Sex is wonderful in the confines of biblical commands: one man, one woman, married. The enemy has had a field day. Let’s refuse to believe lies and help our hurting sisters.
Empowered by the Holy Spirit, as is every believer (who, by definition, has a saving faith in Jesus), I have counseled women who used to lead a promiscuous lifestyle. The Lord has healed them. Are there consequences from bad choices? Of, course. Some STDs cannot be treated. Some bad memories refuse to die. Virginity cannot be reclaimed. Marriage is more difficult due to previous sexual relationships (including intimate touch and oral sex, the latter being the “new” third base).
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows (Galatians 6:7, NIV).
At least half of the women I’ve counseled — all believers — were sexually or physically abused by a family member or a family friend as a young girl. This abuse put the wheels in motion for her poor decisions regarding sex as a preteen or teen. A commonality: They felt a deep sense of self-worthlessness and looked to guys for affirmation using sex to please him and feel desired, compounding the sense of self-worthlessness.
How to Help Prevent Sexual Stain
Since sexual stain often begins in high school or earlier — I’ve talked with third graders who regularly participated in sex “play” — here are a few ideas to help your own kids.
Communicate.
Promote open communication in your home so your kids (or grandkids, nieces or nephews) will tell you the tough stuff. Know who their friends are. Know where they are. Tell them to check in regularly. For school-age kids, ask the parents what DVDs are in the home. Years ago, a friend allowed her young boy attend a sleep-over where the parents showed an PG-13 movie. Oh man, did he get an eyeful! (Remember, PG-13 today would have received an R a decade or two ago.)
Trust your gut.
The Holy Spirit promises to help protect you and yours; follow the insight he gives you. One of my children used to play at a friend’s house where the dad wrestled with the kids on a bed in his son’s bedroom. I was uncomfortable beyond words when I learned of this “play” and forbid my child to go into the house.
Believe your child.
If your child tells you that another kid or an adult said something sexually suggestive to him or her or touched him or her improperly, choose first to believe and engage in a gentle conversation to draw out the details. As you hear the details, you may find out that a boy called your daughter a “fagot” — this happened to one of my children — but that was all. No need to get overly concerned. Or, you may learn that the older boy or girl across the street has suggested a game. A touching game. And he or she has threatened to kill her (or little sister) if she said anything. Serious! Time to call in the authorities and get help for your child.
Prevention is best. Keep your daughters and sons safe as best you can. Terrible things can happen despite your efforts and prayers. Just make them less likely.
And if your child — or a friend at church — chooses promiscuity, love them unconditionally and seek God. Jesus showed compassion toward the woman caught in adultery … shouldn’t we?
