by Lucy | Feb 6, 2018 | biblical counseling, emotions
Perfectionists have a pride problem. Are you surprised? You may think perfectionists are insecure, not prideful. Thankfully, there is hope for perfectionists! This post, originally titled “Perfectionism Is Pride,” first appeared here on Julie Glanschow’s blog and is used with her permission.
Julie’s page on our Heart2Heart Counselor Directory appears here.
My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.
And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. 1 John 2:1-3
Perfectionists Deal with Anger
Perfectionists are frequently angry. You do not like to make a mistake. Even when you know that you don’t know what you are doing, and by all rights shouldn’t know what you are doing, you become angry at yourself for making errors.
Perfectionists have a hard time with people who don’t appear to care about being perfect. They are judgmental and self-righteous, comparing others to themselves on every possible level, and usually find other people to be lacking.
This is one tough way to live! We are commanded to be holy, which implies perfection, but we are not commanded to be perfect. In fact, as sinful beings we cannot be “perfect” in this life.
So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 2:1-3
There is nothing wrong with wanting to do a good job or with wanting to excel at something. It is even all right to want to do an excellent or superior job! However, constantly having to be the best is nothing more than pride. When being the best causes me to sin in my anger, it is not a righteous goal any longer. When wanting to be better than others means I tear them down, it is sinful.
And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts.” Luke 16:15
Hope for Perfectionists
To get a handle on this life-dominating sin you must be willing to be honest with yourself and to evaluate your actions. And most of all, evaluate your heart through the grid of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.
You must ask yourself some tough questions to get to the heart of the matter!
- Must you always look good to other people?
- Are you judgmental toward people who do not live up to your standards?
- Is it true that nothing is ever good enough for you? Is the glass always half empty?
- Have you become a grumbler?
- Are you ungrateful to God for all His blessings because they are not “perfect” in your judgment?
Answering questions like these is only the beginning of addressing this heart issue. Once you understand that your perfectionism is truly a visible display of the pride in your heart you must take steps to overcome it by God’s grace and power.
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14 (ESV)
Mind Renewal Matters
Romans 12:2 tells us to be transformed or changed completely by the renewing of our minds. Our minds are renewed through reading and meditation on the Bible. Your thoughts will also be impacted by those precious words of God’s as they weave their way into your heart.
And this means your desires will change as your heart changes. Your actions will also change as your desires change and your thoughts change.
This is not going to be an easy area to address in your life. You most likely have years of ingrained habits that you will have to overcome and address one at a time. You may find discouragement right around the corner as you desire to change. Please let me encourage you by reminding you that Jesus Christ died for your sins, including pride and perfectionism.
There is no sin that by His power and grace you cannot overcome.
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But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Resources for YOU!
DOWNLOAD: Here is a complimentary download for you. Click to download: Anger Help and Solutions
COUNSELING: Stuck in perfectionism, fear, or anger? Meet with me in person (in the greater Chicago area) or by Skype.
FREE WEBINAR REPLAY: Watch the webinar on healing through biblical counseling now. Click here.
Counseling Hearts to Hope!
by Lucy | Dec 28, 2017 | emotions, relationships
Perfectionism is an impossible standard! For you and me, that is. God is perfectly perfect!
But to attain perfectionism, you may drive yourself nuts. Or you may face-plant into the wall of “I cannot do it” and give up and retreat. You may even find a frenemy in dark chocolate. This is my go-to happy place. What’s yours?
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Either way, all-or-nothing thinking turns into anxiety, even anger and hopelessness.
Jana, a mother of three boys and a nurse, worked part-time in the evening, and during the day she had the family on a tight schedule in order to get everything done: piano lessons and soccer practice for the kids and a book club and Zumba for her. When her all-or-nothing thinking turned into yelling–something she swore she’d never do when she became a mom–she didn’t see that her perfectionism played into the family tension. A wise counselor compassionately and truthfully pointed it out, and she agreed her heart needed to change.
Have you ever wanted to do it all or think you should do it all?
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Have you based your worth and success on how well you measure up to your standards or fulfilling your expectations?
- When you are driven to achieve and overdo, you live in fear that there is always something more you can do, another phone call to make, another website to check, another friend to check in on.
- When you hold exceptionally high expectations for yourself (or your family or coworkers), you may come across as pushy and demanding. Your relationships may suffer.
- When you compare your accomplishments to others, you may feel defeated and get grumpy or throw a pity party. No one shows up to pity parties. Too depressing!
Signs of Perfectionism
The all-or-nothing thinking of perfectionism overwhelms a person because, as I mentioned up top, it’s a myth. No one is perfect but God!
“Your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:48, ESV
Very often someone with all-or-nothing thinking suffers from anger, anxiety, depression, or fatigue. Trying to keep up with overwhelming perfectionism is daunting. You just can’t do it. No one can. That you cannot be perfect doesn’t mean you are “less than” or “not enough.” It simply means you’re human.
Here are pictures of three signs of perfectionism.
Anger: When your perfect plans fall though, do you seethe or feel irritated? Do you lash out at a friend or family member? A common result: difficult relationships! Think about it. You don’t like anger directed at you and you may step away from an angry person or not return her phone calls. Proverbs 15:1 says,
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Anxiety: Do you feel uptight and nervous when you think about all you need to do? Do you worry that you’ll fail? Sometimes anxious people have physical symptoms such as nausea, insomnia, headaches, and fatigue, even panic attacks. Others develop ulcers. Talk with your medical doctor about physical manifestations of anxiety.
Depression: Do your unmet desires lead to sadness and self-recriminations? Are you disappointed with yourself that you failed to meet your high expectations? Do you say mean things to yourself, like “I’m a loser”? Depression feels like sadness, despair, hopelessness. Sometimes it has an organic cause, such as hormone imbalance. Again, talk with your medical doctor about physical causes of depression.
Out of the Perfectionism Trap
Your way out of perfectionism is to make a heart change and to look to your Creator for the answer.
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Here are 3 ways to end perfectionism:
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1. Accept the invitation to rest.
May I suggest that you write the verse below in a journal or your electronic device and read it daily?
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30, ESV
When you get to the end of your abilities and energy, you need rest. Your mind and your body. You feel depleted and weary. The question is, how will you respond to this invitation? Do you value yourself and your family enough to rest?
2. Ask yourself a few questions.
To get to the heart of your perfectionism, ask yourself questions and jot down your answers. Ask yourself:
- Who am I trying to please? My boss, my friends, my parents, myself, God?
- Is my all-or-nothing thinking all about getting other people to accept me or to impress them?
- Do I think I can do life without God? That I don’t need him?
Now read your answers and look for a pattern. Is your pattern to please others or to get attention? Do you see another pattern? How can you change your thinking so that your thougts align with God’s?
3. Love God above all else.
You’re probably familiar with the Great Commandment.
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27, ESV
When you love God above all else, your priorities and motivations change. You are more concerned with pleasing God who loves you lavishly than with pleasing yourself.
You’ll discover that you’ll remove some items from your calendar and rethink the best use of your time and talents.
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. Colossians 3:23, ESV
Rethinking the best use of your time and talents means establishing God-honoring goals for life in every area: spiritual, family, social, intellectual, physical, occupational, financial, and emotional.
I invite you to use this download to help you plan your priorities for the purpose of loving God most of all. If you have questions or would like to set up a time to talk on the phone to see how biblical counseling would help you get out of the perfectionism trap, why not drop me a line here?
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Mar 31, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions |
If you have a dark secret, you probably are more like a turtle than a fancy show dog. Fancy show dogs lap up attention. Turtles hide. They are afraid. They like to blend in. Their hard shells protect them, or do they?
Through my childhood and into my 20s, I was all turtle. I tried to hide my dark secrets. The problem is, I acted out — quietly, for turtles are quiet — in ways that hinted at the pain I covered up, retracting my feet and head into my shell, my hiding place. Where is you favorite hiding place when you hurt? A book? TV? Wine? In the arms of a lover? Church?
In this blog post I’ll share:
- Some of my own dark secrets.
- How God healed my shame.
- Do this. Don’t do that.
My Shameful Secret
When you meet a turtle, you can bet they’ve been hurt. . .by parents or kids at school or a tragedy of some sort. Show dogs often have hurts too. They hide in other ways. One way is pointing you to their accomplishments. Another way is making jokes. Are you more like a turtle or a show dog?
Here are several of my secrets that turtle-ized me.
- Depression from childhood to my early 30s.
- A child of divorce. . .three times. My parents divorced twice, once when I was age 8, they remarried a year later, and divorced again in my mid 20s. My dad remarried and divorced.
- Sexual abuse survivor. I repressed the memories for nearly 20 years.
- Drug abuse. I drove drunk. I drove high. This happened in high school. I’m not proud of it. I was stupid.
- Self-harm. I went through a stage in high school where dug my fingernails into my wrists and drew blood.
- Binge eating followed by starving in college, yelled at myself — “pig, pig” — and ate more then punished myself by eating nothing for one or two days.
- Perfectionism. I thought I was lovable only when I did everything right. But I couldn’t, so I hated myself.
Yes, there’s more. I’ve learned to share only secrets where I now have healing and am open to talk about freely. What about you? Do you have secrets? Are you careful to share it with trustworthy people? Have you shared a secret with someone who betrayed your confidence? Didn’t their betrayal hurt worse than having a house drop on your head?
How God Healed My Shame
The turning point for this turtle was God-ordained. I wouldn’t have chosen it. In his wisdom, God picked the time and day. He knew I’d find safety in him and my husband.
A Saturday morning in the summer, I woke up, bawling. My poor husband thought I was in physical pain. I wasn’t. Memories from my childhood and teen years flooded me unexpectedly and I cried a Mississippi River. I had pushed down some of these memories for decades. I knew they were true. I had chosen to pretend.
Three important decisions I made that day:
- Share my deepest secret with a counselor.
- Start journaling my thoughts and feelings.
- Sing to Christian music every day.
Sharing my secret freed me from holding it in holding it in holding it in. To get it out, I first shared it in third person, but my counselor and I both knew I was talking about my secret–sexual molestation by a family member. After I shared with the counselor, I told my secret to my husband. He asked me why I had never told him. I said — and I meant it — that it had never crossed my mind. What a turtle I was!
Journaling provided a safe place to write where it hurt. Singing to solid Christian music filled with biblical truth helped renew my mind according to the Bible. I am thankful to God that he gave me the time to journal and sing, and people to confide in.
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame (Psalm 71:1, NIV).
Do This, Don’t Do That
Keeping a dark secret hurts you and others. Sharing them with a safe Christian friend or gospel-centered counselor heals. Here are a few do’s and don’ts for healing if you or a friend has a dark secret.
DO pray and ask God for healing.
DON’T pretend the dark secret is no biggie.
DO read the Psalms. David and other psalmists pour out their heart as they wrestle with hurts and hard emotions.
DON’T distract yourself day after day with food, TV, computer games, porn, or alcohol.
DO journal your thoughts and feelings.
DON’T “vomit” your secret on anyone and everyone or all over the Internet.
DO get the help God wants you to have.
Friend, God loves you just as you are. You don’t have to have it all figured out. It’s okay to be messy. We’re all sinners, right? And in Christ, you and I are saints! Hold dear to your identity in Christ.
In Christ, you are set free from condemnation and shame.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
In Christ, you are able to live victoriously.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57)
OFFER: I encourage you to sign up for a complimentary 15-minute consult to find out if biblical counseling is for you. To sign up, send me a contact message. We can pick a time that works for you. Thank you.
Sharing hope with your heart,
by Lucy | Jul 10, 2013 | biblical counseling
Yep, there’s hope for perfectionists.
Isn’t it true that women want to get it right? Always? That’s perfectionism, friend.
I’m a recovered perfectionist in the hands of the Perfect One.
And here’s how I did it. . .imperfectly.
by Lucy | Nov 2, 2009 | biblical counseling |
A recovering perfectionist: That’s me.
And so the book It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life: Devotional Readings for Women Who Strive to Hard to Make It Just Right attracted me as a Merry Maid to a speck of dirt.
Before I say more, this announcement:
Leave a comment on this post and you WILL be entered into a drawing to WIN an autographed copy of this book, snail-mailed to your door. 🙂
After much head-banging, I realized to be “perfect” I must embrace my imperfection and recognize only God is perfect.
Get it?
No?
I’m okay with that. Really.
Years ago, everything important to me had to be “just right.” I got it from my mom, whose alcoholic mom ran a chaotic home. I’m named after “grandma,” by the way. For those not in the know, a person who grows up amidst alcoholism tries oh-so-hard to control life. It doesn’t work. Still, she tries.
And I tried.
And so did Joan C. Webb, the Imperfect Life author who delievers entertaining/thoughtful readings that follow a story-prayer-application format to start your day, end your day, or whatever. (See, I remain deep in recovery. Yay, me.)
Joan breaks her 163 readings, a wonderfully uneven number, into eight categories. Among the categories are “The Relief of Imperfect Emotions, Minds and Bodies: Exquisitely Intertwined,” “The Relief of Imperfect Churches and Cultures: No Formula Solutions” and “The Promise of Relief: Breathing Room for Your Soul.”
Joan writes in the opener to the first section,
“My third-grade teacher warned my mother that I’d have a nervous breakdown by the age of 18. Gratefully, she was wrong!
“However, I did burn out before reaching 40, oblivious that the internal and external unreasonable expectations I had about work, play, relationships, appearance and spirituality were depleting me. There’s a freedom-robbing misconception floating about our homes, schools, businesses, chursches and culture. It permeates our families, emotions, ministries, dreams and faith.
“This misconception? That people, things, organizations and circumstances have the capacity to be just right (that is, flawless).”
So why do Joan or I or you keep trying to achieve the impossible?
Hmm. I’m not sure. (Did I admit I don’t have all the answers? Phew.)
Could it be that I wanted to play God? You know. . .make life painless and fulfilling and just like Christmas morn every day and NOT gain a pound or get the flu? Could it be I wanted life on my perfect terms as I defined them?
In It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life, Joan reveals what perfectionism truly brings. Imbalance. Pain. Strife. Ulcers. Depression. Anxiety. And worse.
So what’s a girl to do?
How’s this: Learn to live with your humanness and thus escape your striving-too-hard-to-make-it-all-just-right mindset, as Joan advises.
What a relief.
It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life: Devotional Readings for Women Who Strive to Hard to Make It Just Right by Joan C. Webb.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED
Leave a comment to be entered into the drawing to win Joan’s book. Someone’s gotta win. It might as well be you.
You Are Loved, Lucy
