by Lucy | Apr 24, 2021 | biblical counseling, relationships |
Who do you aim to please? Your boss, your husband, your reputation, your bank account, your dog … yourself?
Anything or anyone placed ahead of God can become an idol. These may include things like,
- approval
- love
- comfort
- security
- significance
These seem innocuous, but they can ensnare us. They keep wanting more and more. Feeding an idol is a horrible, exhausting way to live.
In this article, we’ll first get a picture of what idol-worship may look like. It may be more common than you think. Then we’ll discover its antidote: growing in the fear of the Lord.
Meet an idol-worshiper.
Linda (name and some details have been changed) deeply desires that her Christian husband stop binge-drinking. His problem is obvious, but what’s hers?
She thinks that if she acts sweet (by picking up the kids’ toys before he returns home from work and by making nice dinners, for example), then he’d quit drinking and she’d get what she wants.
But no matter how sweet she is or how often she pleads with him to stop drinking, he continues to buy a 12 pack of beer and guzzle all of the beers when he comes home after work. Not every night … but often enough to cause her concern and fill her with fear.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a husband who makes wise choices. But when a desire becomes a demand, we have begun to make it an idol.
What’s her idol? Security. She says to herself, “I must have a godly and sober husband who cares for me and the kids, or I cannot be happy.”
You worship what you fear.
How do we tell if we are pleasing someone or something instead of God? Elyse Fitzpatrick nails it:
If she is willing to sin to obtain her goal or if she sins when she doesn’t get what she wants, then her desire has taken God’s place and she is functioning as an idolater.
Look back to the example of Linda. When her husband disappears into the garage with his 12-pack, she pouts and pleads, worries, and falls into self-pity. Her actions are understandable. Yet they are sins that she needs confess. This may not seem fair. We often sin in response to being sinned against.
A husband yells at his wife, the wife screams at the kid, the kid kicks the dog.
This dynamic may play out in your life too. It does in mine. When a friend failed to get back to me, and I feel ignored, I may sulk. When my husband seems more interested in TV than me, I may snap at him.
Choose better … please God only.
In her book Holy Fear, Christina Fox helps us to trade lesser fears for the fear of the Lord. Here are three ways she highlights.
1. Study God’s word.
To grow in the fear of the Lord, we must know him, and the very best way is to study God’s word. When we read scripture, we can ask ourselves, “What does this teach me about God?” The more we learn about who God is, the more we grow in our fear of him.
2. Remember God’s works.
As we recall that God rescued the Israelites from slavery in Egypt, the prophet Jonah from the belly of the great fish, the apostle Paul from death time and time again, we grow in the fear of the Lord and desire to please him only. Great ways to remember God’s works today: worship with other believers on the Lord’s Day, sing praises to him, and share at the communion table.
3. Pray for greater fear.
Prayer helps us to depend on God more and ourselves less. “We find our hearts reshaped to want what God wants more than what we want,” Fox says. “We grow to want his glory and fame spread throughout the world and not our own. Indeed, prayer not only feeds and nourishes us, it transforms us.“
So who do you now aim to please?
God is jealous for our love. He hates your giving it to anyone or anything but him.
You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3)
As we grow in the fear of the Lord, we will aim to please him, not a person or a thing like money, approval, security, or any lesser fear. When Linda came to realize that she wanted security above all things, even God, she agreed with the Lord that her desire was misdirected. She poured out her heart to the Lord, asking him to help her love him most of all.
Her husband still drinks sometimes, but less than before. Most importantly, she has a new attitude that God will provide her everything she really needs. The Lord is her safe place.
by Lucy | Feb 2, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Are you too nice? Do you sometimes say “yes” when you should say “no”? Then you may be a people pleaser.
A number of years ago, a person at my (then) church asked me join the hospitality team and greet people as they arrived on Sundays. I said “yes” even though this meant dragging my kids out of bed a half hour early.
Then a few months later, I was told I had to come even earlier to pray — and I’m all for prayer — but I said “no.” The hospitality team leader said he was disappointed. “In me?” I wondered. “What did I do wrong? I’m a nice person, aren’t I?”
Did you take on an extra project at work to be nice to your boss when your inbox was already overflowing? Did you say yes to running a fundraiser for the PTO or Music Boosters and later regretted it?
Your too-nice-ness may cost you.
3 Everyday Costs of Being Too Nice
We all do it — say “yes” when our honest response should be “no” — at a high cost. Here’s the short list:
Your physical health
Saying “yes” may shortchange self-care. Sleeplessness and overwork tax us. Neglecting self-care may also mean less physical exercise and more stress eating.
When you’re too nice and over-commit, in what ways has your health suffered? For me, I may skip my walks, and I love to walk because it not only gets my heart pumping but also sends me outside breathing fresh air.
Your emotions
When you say “yes” to keep up your nice-girl image, you probably feared what others think of you. Another term for this is people-pleasing. God has a completely different view of people-pleasing. Listen to what the apostles Peter and John told the Jewish leaders 2,000 years ago when they told them to shut up about this guy Jesus:
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10, NIV
Your familiy and friendships
Do you ever feel compelled to help a friend and you begin texting and calling, then she starts sending messages throughout the day and evening? And even your family is wondering why you’re spending so much time on your cell phone?
More than a decade ago I made this mistake with a friend I’ll call Tina. Tina’s husband watched porn. He wanted her to watch it during their lovemaking. In addition to marital problems, Tina has a special needs child.
At first I enjoyed encouraging her to make wise choices then resented the time she stole from my family. The problem wasn’t her. It was me. I had made myself too available out of niceness. God prompted me to have a loving and truthful talk with Tina, letting her know I cared but that our texts ate up too much time. I suggested that we get together just once a week and no text messages except in an emergency and she agreed.
Before You Say Yes
Endless things and people demand our attention everyday. Untold numbers asked Jesus asked Jesus to do what they wanted, but He prioritized his “yes,” doing only what his Father wanted him to do.
I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. John 17:4, ESV
Here are three practical solutions for too-nice-ness:
- Say “let me think about it.” This will give you time to think through whether a “yes” is being too nice or if you sense God wants you to help.
- Count the cost. When you say “yes” to one thing, you’re saying “no” to something else. This something else could be needed sleep or time with family or you-name-it.
- Check your heart motivation. I often remind counselees to dig deep and ask themselves what is motivating their decisions. From our motivations and beliefs flow our thoughts, emotions, and actions.
What would you add to the list? What has worked for you?
May I Pray for You?
Lord, when faced with choices and fearing others’ opinions, we’re tempted to say “yes” when you may want us to say “no.” Give us the wisdom to know when we’re acting out of love and when we’re acting from fear. We want to please you above all. Thank you for giving us your hope and your promises. Amen.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6, ESV
Counseling Hearts to Hope,
by Lucy | Jan 19, 2017 | biblical counseling, emotions, relationships |
Do you think you may be overly dependent on a friend, or your friend is overly dependent on you?
Three clues:
1. You do something for someone else that she can do for herself and/or
2. You’re dependent on another person to the point of being controlled or manipulated by that person and/or
3. You lie (or sin in another way) to keep the peace or get the other’s approval.
A modern term for this sort of dependence, or “people addiction,” is co-dependent. Psychologists first used in the 1970s to describe family members of alcoholics who adapted to destructive behavior in unhealthy ways, such as calling the boss of a hungover alcoholic and saying she has the flu.
The Bible has a better term, a more accurate term: a misplaced dependency.
A person with a misplaced dependency cares more what another person says and thinks than she seeks God. You could call it idol worship of . . .a person.
You shall have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:3, NIV
Strong Is Weak?
Says radio show host, biblical counselor, and author June Hunt:
One person is seen as weak and the other as strong. The weak one appears totally dependent on the strong one.
But the one who appears strong actually is weak because of the excessive need to be needed by the weak one. In fact, the strong one needs for the weak one to stay weak, which in turn keeps the strong one feeling strong.
This craziness played out in my relationship with my own mom. Growing up I learned to agree with my mom. Disagreement invited her silent treatment. And I hated silent treatments . . . so I agreed with my mom. I wanted her approval badly enough to lie. Have you lied to keep peace?
If she said she did back flips on Chicago sidewalks, I said, “Wow. Cool.” If she said I was tone deaf, I chimed, “Yeah. I know.” She needed my affirmation and I needed hers. Was she the weak one? Or me?
In your friendships, do you have an excessive need to be needed?
Making Up Problems
A person with a misplaced dependency may manufacture a crisis then come to the rescue. She’s crazy-glue connected and overly responsible.
Sometimes after a legitimate crisis — such as a monstrous flood or a death in the family — a “helpful” person gives help long after it’s needed or wanted.
Then there are the little examples, such as:
- a dad who ties the shoes of his able-bodied 10 year old.
- a mom who writes her son’s high school English paper.
- a friend who insists on buying lunch every time you get together even though you can afford it.
The strong one wants to help but. . .harms.
What God Says
God understands. Co-dependency stories dot the bible, and we discover the high cost of misplaced dependencies.
Remember Samson and Delilah? Delilah manipulated weak-willed Samson. What about Rebekah and her son Jacob? Rebekah easily convinces Jacob to lie and deceive his father, Isaac, to obtain the birthright of the firstborn (which belongs to Esau).
God’s desire for you is this: living each day dependent on the Lord. As you submit to the Lord, you will have peace, you will have contentment, and you will experience his presence.
This is one reason why God says:
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7
What’s Next?
If you think you may have misplaced dependencies or know someone who is, you can:
- Learn more. A great book is Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
- Have a heart-to-heart with a wise, compassionate Christian friend of the same gender.
- Talk with a biblical counselor at your church or community, or with me. A seminary-trained, certified biblical counselor, I’ve counseled hope to thousands of women by Skype and in person. Click here for FAQs.
Sharing hope with your heart,
by Lucy | Nov 1, 2016 | biblical counseling, emotions, identity in Christ
God has no foster children! Rather, each Christian is fully adopted and irrevocably His. Counselor Marie Notcheva, whose profile you can read on Heart2Heart Directory, reassures us that God has no foster children — only forever children. Marie’s article appeared first here on her website and is used with permission.
Several years ago, I read a book called Three Little Words, a memoir of a girl’s horrific childhood in the foster care system. Eventually she was adopted, as a teen, by a loving family. It was a painfully raw and all-too-accurate glimpse of what some foster children experience.
Being shuffled through countless homes of indifferent or abusive foster parents obviously scars foster children. They come to see themselves as unloved, and presumably unlovable. Even the fortunate ones who are adopted face problems; they cannot trust adults, believe that they are loved, or understand what a permanent place in a family means.
Many adoptions are actually disrupted when youngsters lash out and display belligerent behavior. Growing up in foster care means existing in constant limbo. Biological parents who don’t come through and foster parents who aren’t “for keeps” breed a deep-seated insecurity.
Foster children often expect to be rejected – even after adoption.
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A Permanent Place in God’s Family
Ashley Rhodes-Courter, the author of this particular memoir, describes an incident of teenage rebellion some time after her adoption had been finalized. When confronted by her parents, her first thought was that the adoption was over. She had long since steeled her heart against loving or being loved by anyone, and spent the first several years of her family life waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.
She anticipated another rejection and ultimate return to the group home. Against her expectations and previous life experience, her parents assured her that she was irrevocably their daughter, and that it was high time to drop the “poor orphan” act. (They then punished her for her infraction).
That was the turning point for Ashley. Finally, she was able to begin building trust in her mother and father, knowing that no matter how “bad” she was, there was nothing she could do to make them reject her.
An awful lot of Christians are walking around with a “foster child” mentality, it seems to me.
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This is a mindset I’ve encountered in counseling, and it’s something I have fallen prey to myself at times. What we need to internalize is this: we are adopted sons and daughters of God, co-heirs with Christ, and have a permanent place in the family (Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5; and John 8:35, respectively). Why is this so hard to believe? My answer, and it’s a fairly simplistic one, is because it takes humility to see this.
We did nothing to earn our status as His children. It was all of His grace…completely, freely, and lavishly bestowed on the unlovely delinquents we were when He found us. Pride wants us to earn our keep; to do something that will merit God’s approval. This is the carnal nature that prompted the Prodigal Son’s request to be made a hired servant.
You Are Completely Loved!
Humility, on the other hand, rejoices in the fact that we are fully known, completely loved, and sealed with the spirit of adoption (Romans 8:15). We can cry “Abba, Father” no matter how distant we may feel from God, because He has set His love on us for Christ’s sake (Romans 1:5) and called us His own (Isaiah 43:1; 1 John 3:2). In fact, He loves us even as He loves His only begotten Son, Jesus (John 16:27).
By human standards, this is a difficult concept to grasp. Repeated rejection by human authority figures (and especially by parents) can pervert one’s view of a benevolent God. Nevertheless, the One Who has redeemed our unworthy selves loves us unconditionally, and has made our identity secure. Legal adoption is a binding covenant. John 1:12-13 illustrates this clearly:
But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.
We have assurance that God really is as good as He says He is. He will never reject any who come to Him (John 6:37).
For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ (Romans 8:15).
Foster children are literally slaves to fear. They live in constant anticipation of the next infraction – or whim of the legal system – to be the end of whatever tenuous family situation they are in.
How does this sad mindset play itself out in a child of God?
No More Shame
Guilt over failure and indwelling sin drives the insecure Christian away from the Cross, rather than towards it. He or she cannot face a God who is still perceived as a righteous Judge rather than a loving Father. God is both, of course; but what the fearful believer fails to grasp practically is that His righteous judgment has already been poured out on Christ, and there is no longer condemnation (Romans 8:1). She fails to realize that her sin was already foreseen by God, has been forgiven, and is no longer held against her.
As Jerry Bridges writes,
…He is, as it were, coming alongside me saying, “We are going to work on that sin, but meanwhile I want you to know that I no longer count it against you.”
God is no longer my Judge; He is now my Heavenly Father, who loves me with a self-generated, infinite love, even in the face of my sin.
Killing Pride
While on the surface shame and pride may seem at odds with each other, actually they work in tandem. When a Christian sees herself as a foster child of God, she will seek to avoid Him when plagued with guilt – at least until she can “get her act together” enough to approach Him. However, it is actually the height of arrogance to believe that there is ever a time when we are more acceptable to God than another. Putting merit in our own works-righteousness or penance actually demeans the centrality of the Cross. C. J. Mahaney writes,
Paul called himself ‘the worst of sinners’ (1 Timothy 1:16). He wasn’t paralyzed by condemnation. He was exalting God’s grace by recognizing his own unworthiness and sin as he marveled at the mercy of God.
So Long People-Pleasing
A child of God who does not realize her true identity is constantly anxious about where she stands with God. Desperately trying to earn the favor of her Father, which she doesn’t recognize she already has, she tries to impress others or appear more spiritual. For example, I had one bulimic counselee tell me she wanted to “redeem [herself] in God’s eyes by becoming a nutritionist, and hopefully help others.”
I confess that I have fallen prey to this mindset myself, when I make idols out of goals or “splendid vices” (George Whitefield’s term for spiritual activity done with wrong motives). Getting my book Redeemed from the Pit published was very important to me, and when it became a reality I was preoccupied with obtaining endorsements from well-known authors in the biblical counseling field.
When they like my work, I somehow feel God approves of my endeavor. When they decline or suggest revisions, I despair – their opinion of my writing overshadows pleasing God. It becomes too easy to forget that my work is ultimately all for His glory, anyway. Although I would never say so out loud, being thought well of by “celebrity Christians” can eclipse the truth – that God neither thinks more nor less of me based on man’s opinions; and I have nothing whatsoever to commend myself to Him in the first place. He loves me with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3) simply because I am His daughter.
This tendency to think God sees us as others do takes many different forms, but the root is the same – doubting the reality and immutability of God’s personal and tender love.
The Solution
Let’s think about this logically: An omniscient God knew from eternity past exactly what you would be like, He saw every sin and dark thought that would enter your mind, yet He set His love on you anyway by electing you as His child. He called you out of darkness, then transferred you to the Kingdom of His beloved Son (Colossians 1:13).
Jesus Himself is not ashamed to call you His brother or sister (Hebrews 2:11), so on what grounds would He decide to kick you out of His family? What, exactly, would you have to do to “disrupt” your heavenly adoption and get sent back from whence you came?
It’s time, as the Courter parents so bluntly put it, to “drop the poor orphan act” and realize we’re God’s for good. And that’s Good News.
Intimacy cannot grow apart from relationship, and the entire New Covenant proclaims that our relationship as children is irrevocable. We didn’t do anything to earn it in the first place – we were all broken and flawed when God called us – so what makes us think we can lose His parental bond?
Craven fear and cringing supplication have no place in the life of a child of God. Repentance is a gift freely offered to all who will accept it and return to God on His terms…no running, hiding, and fear of the boom lowering anymore. The writer of Hebrews poetically banished any possibility of seeing ourselves as foster children when he wrote:
Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
