by Lucy | Nov 7, 2018 | emotions, relationships |
What are the top needs of moms?
A while back, I queried a few hundred moms in a Facebook group, asking their top 3 needs. My imperfect scientific study revealed these three top vote-getters:
1. A support system of family and/or friends
2. Time alone
3. Encouragement
In this short article, let’s focus on #1. Your can read more about time alone and encouragement here and here.
Family: I Need a Mother Too
Are you old enough to remember the 1970’s TV show “The Waltons“? Watching reruns warmed my toes many an afternoon. Ma and Pa would have a problem on the farm, and the family and neighbors would stick together to solve it. The bonded in tough times.
John Boy was kinda cute in a geeky way. Me and Mary Ellen–we could have been best friends. Grandma had a sour personality too, but she cared, really cared. You could tell.
Back then, in my grade school years, I ached for the sense of belonging too. A network of caring people take note of your needs. They help you and pray with you and for your. They listen. And no one does this better than famiy–usually but not always. Read more about overcoming pain caused by family.
Finding Close Friends at Church!
A couple decades ago, when my family moved to a new home in a small city away from family and friends, I put a plan in action.
Join a friendly church and — presto! — embrace a new, big family.
But my plan was a fail! You see, once we settled into our new church, our friendly “friends” quickly turned back to their own tight circles of longtime buddies.
Have you looked to a church or other group as your support system because you lacked family and friends? How did it go for you? Could you be at home at a church where you were close to Jesus yet not so close to the people? Did you reach out too?
Making Mama-Friendly Connections
The women I queried shared a bunch of ideas on creating a support system when family and friends. Here are some.
Friends to Listen
Babysitter!
- One mom had to return to work when her baby was a newborn. “A reliable babysitter who was prompt, a woman who truly loved children and was extremely dependable.”
- Another woman with four small children says she needs “a friggin’ baby sitter during the day so that I can go get things done without kids, or so if one child has an appointment, I don’t have to lug all of them with me.”
- “Before I had my boys, we lived in a neighborhood where the mothers would trade time, watching each others kids, so they could have some time to do something else. Kind of a babysitting co-op. I think for every hour you put in, you got one back.”
A Mentor
- When family is far away, having an older woman helps. Her wisdom, her laughter, her presence. Also mentors for kids!
“One of my top needs or desires while they were younger (and even now) was/is for older mentors or adults to be in their and our lives. They have no grandparents, no uncles, aunties or cousins and at times I would just love someone to encourage and give advice and just be proud of our children like we are.
I can only imagine what it might be like to ring my parents up and say help or come to this show to watch the kids! I guess I’m saying mentors or adopted aunties or uncles would be a dream come true.”
- Shares a mom who husband travels a lot: “My youngest (has) ADHD. A male mentor could have helped him in his social maturity and awkwardness.”
Friends, please share one of your mama needs in comments. Let’s encourage one another.
Counseling Hearts to Hope!
by Lucy | Aug 25, 2016 | biblical counseling
A rebellious child is opposed to authority — yours! And his defiance hurts, doesn’t it? It causes you to question your effectiveness as a loving, godly mom. You may wonder if God has given you more than you can handle.
As a counselor I’ve heard from moms and dads who need help figuring out and responding to a rebellious child. My hope is to provide encouragement to you so you know. . .
This article is the last in a four-part series on teaching your children. The first one focused on younger kids, the second looked at teens, and the third considered young adult children. If you’re married, why not share these articles with your husband?
The goal: to encourage and equip you
with help and hope for your heart!
You Are Not Alone
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
“My daughter met this new kid who introduced her to weed. Now she sneaks out of the house and lies. What happened?”
“I can’t get through to my 24 year old. Over and over I tell him he has to get a job. He says he’ll look for one ‘tomorrow’ but never does.”
“Joey won’t do anything I ask him — pick up his stuff, turn off the TV, do his spelling homework. I don’t know what to do.”
Your child’s problem may be backtalk or bullying, stealing or sneaking out, lying or laziness — or all of these. Even “good” kids might rebel. They just coverup better, like my high-achieving high school friend who hid vodka in her locker.
Rebellion is worsening! In We Cannot Be Silent, R. Albert Mohler Jr. writes, “We are facing nothing less than a comprehensive redefinition of life, love, liberty, and the very meaning of right and wrong.” Do you agree?
God’s Word Has Everything You Need
As you wrestle through the issues of parenting a rebellious child, have you found hope and comfort in the all-sufficient written Word?
Romans 8:28 has an encouraging message. Please do not let its familiarity blow by you.
We know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose.
All things. Including the hard. Especially the hard.
The Lord promises:
I will never leave you or forsake you. So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me? Hebrews 13:5-6
May I encourage you to read the Bible daily? Like nothing else, God’s Word strengthens you and comforts you. It instructs and convicts. It is God speaking to YOU.
Click & Tweet!
Jot down important truths God impresses on you. Think on these truths (Philippians 4:8).
You Have an Identifiable Enemy
When your son blames you, when your daughter refuses to follow rules — know this: Yes, your rebellious child is reponsible for their own sin. However, Satan loves to rip apart a family any way he can. He tempts your children to hate you!
Mom, you are in a spiritual war. This war has an eternal significance. Satan is your enemy.
What you can do:
In addition to prayer and reading your Bible for strength, comfort, and insight:
- Discipline your rebellious child. Biblical discipline, say Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jim Newheiser in When Good Kids Make Bad Choices, is the process of setting clear standards for behavior based on the Bible, requiring immediate and respectful obedience, and then taking measured discipinary action when the rules are not obeyed. In a future post, I’ll spell out what this looks like in real life. Meanwhile, if you need help now, please contact me. I counsel by Skype and in person.
- Love your rebellious child. When your child–whether age 4 or age 24–acts like your enemy, choose to show them love (Matthew 5:44-45). Resist revenge. Do good. Forgive as you have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). Speak life-giving words.
Remind yourself that your rebellious child is NOT the real enemy.
God Gives You His Power to Persevere
Parenting a rebellious child affects you! You may experience anger, fear, and depression. Here are a few practical ideas for you to glorify God. Remember, you have God’s power to lead a godly life.
His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 2 Peter 1:3
- Pray for your child with your husand if you’re married (and he’s a believer). Prayer demonstrates your reliance on God.
- Thank God for the trial. (Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4) Thanking God will lessen your anxiety and complaints.
- Ask God how you can change? Perhaps you are too permissive or authoritarian. Maybe spending more time with your child will improve communication.
- Ask your child for forgiveness. (Matthew 7:1-5) When you sin against your child, tell her you sinned, confess your wrongdoing, and repent. Your demonstration of true humility will have an effect for the good.
These godly responses toward a rebellious child may sound impossible.
Apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5
However,
If you abide in Me and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you. John 15:7
Truly, on your own it is impossible be an effective, loving godly mom to a rebellious child, but in Christ you can persevere. You can have true joy in the journey.
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
by Lucy | May 9, 2013 | emotions
When I asked a few hundred women to share their top mama need, MORE TIME ALONE stood tall among the favorite three. The other two are a support system of family and friends and encouragement.
Do you hear yourself in this women’s plea?
I long for quiet, time to read, to do crafts or write, to just be still. I think the biggest thing for me, based on what I felt I missed growing up, is that I need to balance being there for them and being able to say, ‘Mama needs a break’ and not feel guilty about it. I adore my husband and son, but a bathroom break or a bath or a book for an hour would be bliss!
Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of alone time. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!
Time Alone Then
When my daughter, Laura, was a baby, I craved a Saturday morning escape. My getaway? An outdoor mall with the best bagels this side of heaven. Just me, a book, and bagel bliss. How I loved the quiet, the lack of responsibility, the freedom. And the bagels. Did I mention the bagels?
At home I sometimes went to the bathroom to sit on the toilet when I didn’t need to “go.” I needed time alone.
Once in a while she played with a toy in her crib. Usually she cried. I felt an inch tall. Bad mama, bad mama, I’d tell myself.
Was I bad? Nope. Just worn out!
When Laura reached preschool age, I sometimes slid a “Barney” video into the DVD player. While she sang along, I disappeared into a book and felt like a worm. At least we’re in the same room even if we’re unconnected, I’d rationalize.
Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?
Are you even able to get alone? Some moms can’t get alone. Many single moms, moms with husbands deployed overseas, and moms with next-to-no money. Are you in this situation? It’s tough; hold on to hope. You need creativity and prayer.
Time Alone Now
The kids grow and off to school they go. As you know, this does NOT mean more time alone.
Life is busy with school and sports activities, church events, and work. It’s a struggle, this mama life, and all and you may seem that you’re running in place going nowhere. Always running, never catching up.
Did you know that how you spend your days is how you spend your life?
Since each day has 24 hours, not a minute more or less, you need to spend your time wisely. Listen:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3, NIV)
An Amazing Little Assignment
Since time is a precious commodity, discover how you spend yours. Prioritization is the key. Spend your time on activities that are fun and meaningful and soon you’ll have gained hours.
First know how you spend your time and identify your priorities.
1. For one to three days, keep track of how you spend your time. Use 30-minute increments. Just jot it and be honest.
2. Now write down your priorities. One of your priorities is time alone. Perhaps other priorities include cooking nutritious meals, cuddling your spouse, exercising, and volunteering. Write down three to eight priorities in order of importance.
3. Consider your time schedule in light of your priorities. Does your schedule reflect your priorities? Once you identify a mismatch, you can choose to change how you spend your time and live in light of what’s most important.
What is one area you sense God wants you to change? Less TV or online? More time playing at the park with your kids. Write down one change you’ll make and place it where you’ll see it.
by Lucy | May 7, 2013 | biblical counseling
I asked a few hundred women in a Facebook group this Q: What is your top mama need?
Three kept popping up: A support system of family and friends, time alone, and encouragement.
Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’ll address yours in a blog post or give you an answer by email. 🙂
Also please leave a comment! Comments give encouragement to me and others. 🙂
Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post and type your comment. Thanks!
Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of taking a timeout. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!
What a Time Out Is NOT
When a mama takes a time out, she is not beating herself up.
I need to do more. I’m a bad mom. The laundry’s flowing over baskets. Err, this counter is sticky, this floor is stick, I’m sticky. I suck.
In your time out you do NOT start planning. Hey, if I’m taking a time out, I might as well get busy planning my day, my week, my month, my life. NO! Do NOT go here.
You do NOT rehearse “what if’s.” What if I were thinner or toner or smarter or organized?
Do you beat yourself up sometimes, thinking you should do more or do different? Isn’t this a recipe for anxiety?
What a Time Out Is!
A time out is a time to rest. Sure, take a nap if you need one. But here I am focusing on resting the mind, bathing the Spirit in Jesus’ invitation. You know it, don’t you?
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
These are power words, this time out invitation. Disconnecting with worry and busyiness. Connect with the One who loves you best. Amen.
Among the women I counsel biblically, I register not only a lack of soul rest but also iffy self care. Easy to remedy self care. Here are the three most important:
1. Drink water, about 6 to 8 8-ounces a day. Water has many healing properties. I’ll write a post soon on the spiritual and emotional healing properties of water. Incidentally, soda pop is not water.
2. Get enough sleep, about 7 to 10 hours daily. Set a time to get ready for bed and a time to wake up. Again, there are spiritual and emotional health benefits to sleep.
3. Move. You don’t have to join a gym or sign up for Zumba. Just move. Walks are perfect. Stretch. Breath deep from the belly.
What’s Next
When you read a post suggesting change, you make feel overwhelmed. Change is hard. You may feel defeated or think, “I tried that before and I quit after three days, so why bother?”
Why bother?
Take a time out to refresh and regroup because you matter, you are valuable, you are significant. Your children (toddlers or married adults) are watching how you take care of yourself and spend your time. God rested, didn’t he?
Take a time out and rest in Jesus. Go to him. He’s waiting. Find rest for your soul.
Coming up in the “Mama Needs a Break” series: Your Next Big Thing!
photo credit: Myxi via photopin cc
Blessings and Hope!
by Lucy | Jul 10, 2010 | biblical counseling |
This is the first post of a two-part series on shepherding your child’s heart and living to tell about it. 🙂
Has you child ever. . .
crayoned your walls? CHECK.
bit another kid? CHECK.
bossed you around? CHECK.
Lied? CHECK. Cussed? CHECK. Got sent to the principal’s office? CHECK.
Those check-check-check’s are mine. All mine. Mothering ain’t for sissies. Do I hear an “Amen?” As I journey from Pampers to carpools to prom, I’m finally learning what matters most in parenting.
The child’s heart.
The Bible says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Pr. 4:23). How many times have I read this verse? How many times have I NOT applied it mothering?
The heart refers to the inner person, who your child really is. From the heart flows behavior. When you focus on the heart you affect behavior. Choose to:
— disciplines the child lovingly and consistently.
— holds the child accountable.
— expects the best.
Today more than ever your child need to know she can count on you because the world is scary. From bullies in the neighborhood to news of bombings in Afghanistan, your child needs your guidance.
You should read part two tomorrow. To make sure you get it, sign up to receive my blog. The signup is in the upper right corner. See it? Right there. Cool.
You Are Amazing!
SPECIAL OFFER: If you agree that mothering is tough, then you should order my 30-minute webinar “Do You Love Your Child TOO Well?” To order send me an email with the words “I want the mothering webinar”: Lucy@LucyAnnMoll. One person who sends me an email will get the webinar for free. The cost of the webinar is $3. If you don’t like it, I’ll refund your money, no questions asked.
