Sandwich Communication Tool!

Sandwich Communication Tool!

Use sandwich communication with kids to lovingly and effective engage conversation. This tool is helps make communication with loved ones … a joy.

Based on a biblical model, the sandwich communication tool helps you effectively communicate — even correct your child — by beginning and ending with the positive.

I recently watched a dad correct his daughter three or four times in a 10-minute conversation that left her with a downcast spirit.

Her expression said, “Can’t I do anything right?” She appeared to melt into the wall and disappear. 

Results—yes. Good results—no! 

This article by Sherry Allchin, MA, appeared first here on Biblical Counseling Center, which gave permission to reprint. Sherry is among the dozens of female biblical counselors listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory. See her contact info. She counsels in by Skype and in person in South Carolina. Edited for length.

Begin with the Positive

When communicating anything to your child, but especially a correction, begin with a positive. When Christ corrected the churches in Revelation 2 – 4, He began by telling each of them what they were doing right.

Each time we approach our children (even spouses!) we need to affirm their positives, what they do w\ell.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29, ESV

EXAMPLE: Let’s say a child is getting his tempera paints all over the place. Many parents might say, “You’re so messy; why can’t you do it like Joni?” This message communicates, “You are not as good as Joni. Messy is your nature so I guess you’ll never change.”

But a gospel-motivated parent might begin with a positive part of sandwich communication, such as “I like the colors you are choosing for your picture. Here, let me give you a paper towel to clean up some of those drips. I can’t wait to see your finished picture!”

The positive approach gets the child’s attention that he is doing something of value to you as well as to him, that he really does have some good qualities even though they may still need some polishing.

Time for the Negative (or Correction)

Now the middle part of sandwich communication.

I always hated it when a teacher told me I had it wrong but left me no clue about how to fix the problem. Some children are left feeling that same way by parents.

Yes, they know it was wrong, but they still don’t know what to do to correct it. How do you correct being a lazy slob if you’re told that’s who you are? How do you correct a math problem you don’t understand?

A child made in the image of God has wonderful potential to change any wrong thing she is doing, and she needs to be reminded of that continuously in the process of corrective sanctification.

So a child is not a lazy slob; she is failing to make her bed before breakfast or take out the garbage when asked. That is a problem that can and should be corrected. “This is what I want you to correct and how I want you to do it.”

Finish the Deal with a Positive

The last part of sandwich communication ends in a positive.

You might say something like,

You are a strong boy and very capable of carrying your load around our home.

And because we love you and want to train you for life, we must insist that you do ______ by dinnertime or face the consequences of ______.

We are confident you will choose to make a wise choice that honors God and your parents because we have watched you growing in your love and obedience in so many ways.

Yes, sandwich communication quickly reaches the heart of most children (or adults, for that matter). But if a child’s spirit has already been deeply wounded, it may take some consistency on your part for the child to respond well. He must come to believe he has intrinsic value because he is made in the image of God and because he can change to become more and more like Jesus in everyday life.

Practical Help

  • Ask the children in your life if they think you are made at them “rarely,” “sometimes,” or “often.” If the answer sometimes or often, please ask their forgiveness. Remember, man’s anger never produces God’s righteousness.
  • Recognize that your anger is usually about what is inconveniencing you, not what your child truly needs to correct.
  • Plan the “Sandwich” that you will give your child, first a positive related to what needs correcting or overall positive character you see in him. Then carefully word the Correction in a way that guides him to biblical change for God’s glory. Finish the Sandwich with the Bread of Life, God’s love for him, your love for him and your confidence in his ultimate maturity (Hebrews 12:5-10).

Next Step

Consider getting biblical counseling for you and your child if home is a war zone. Contact us and learn more about biblical counselinghby Skype.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Lucy

Grown Children, Foolish Choices

Grown Children, Foolish Choices

Are you the mom of grown children? Have they made foolish choices? Believe me, you are absolutely not alone. Today’s guest writer is Suzanne Holland (listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory), has her own story to tell and words of godly wisdom. Her article appeared first here and is used with permission. (Edited for space.–LAM)

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A few weeks ago, I wrote about some of the regrets that I experience, now that my children are grown and have left our home. I heard from quite a few of you about that post. And I learned that I am definitely not alone in looking back on those child rearing days with a few tears.

What I also heard from many of you is that those tears continue to run fresh at times, as our grown children make foolish choices. So today, I’d like to talk about how we can deal with our emotions and how we can honor God when grown children choose a wrong path.

Beloved Children, Foolish Choices

First, let me say that we should probably expect that our children will make a few bad choices. After all, their brains are not fully developed until they are 25 years old. Also, know you cannot control your grown children, nor should you try to do so. (But if he or she is living under your roof or receiving material support from you, then you do have some leverage to enforce rules.)

So, when grown children make bad choices, what are we to do? I believe that there are a few things that we can and must do in this circumstance.

1. Pray for Grown Children

The first thing is to pray. God calls us to pray without ceasing, and this is no exception. Ask the Lord to show your child that the choice he is making is foolish. If your child is a believer, ask that the Spirit of God would convict him. But if he is an unbeliever, then ask the Lord to use the circumstance to bring about his salvation.

Pray often, both for your own ability to honor God in the circumstance and for your child’s well-being. But don’t forget that the reason your child was created is to bring glory to God. Above all other requests, ask the Lord to make His glory the deepest desire of your heart in the situation.

2. Counsel Grown Children

Second, when our grown children make bad choices, we must offer them wise counsel. The Bible tells us that iron sharpens iron, and that two are better than one, so why should it be any different with our children? If you are on even halfway good terms with your son or daughter, you should be able to speak to them frankly and honestly about your thoughts on their decision.

If you can’t speak face to face, write them a note or call them on the phone and express your concerns. As you would with any adult friend, be respectful and don’t attack them personally. Just point out the downside of their thinking, and let them know that you are concerned, and that you are keeping them in your prayers.

3. Trust the Lord with Your Grown Children

If your child chooses a path that you believe will surely bring disaster, you must trust the Lord with them, and leave it in His hands.

I know personally that this is much more easily said than done but, my dear sister, you must do it. Though this is your beloved child, and you are deeply disappointed or even heartbroken over his choice, know that the Lord weeps with you. He also loves your child and desires the best for him even more than you do. But, one advantage God has in seeking that “best” is that He actually knows what it is!

Dear mother of a wayward child, your Father knows better than you do what is best for that son or daughter. Though what you see before your eyes may look like disaster or doom, God, from the other side, may see salvation or sanctification.

Encouraging Words for Your Grown Children

The most comforting and encouraging Scripture passage I have found on this topic is Isaiah 55: 6-11. I’d like to walk through it with you, adding a few comments along the way to help you with the application.

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;

This goes along with my first bit of counsel, to pray for your child. Pray this Scripture for him, that he would seek the Lord, even as you are seeking the Lord’s will for your response

let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

If your child has fallen into sin, pray for conviction and repentance, leading to salvation and/or sanctification.

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Pray that your child would turn to Christ, and that the Lord would have mercy on him, forgive his sin or foolishness, and restore or revive his heart.

Comforting Words for You

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

This is for us, fellow brokenhearted moms. Remember this truth: God’s plan for your child may be different from yours, but it will always be better, by God’s definition, than you could ever have asked or imagined.  Also remember God’s glory, not our children’s happiness, must be the deepest desire of our heart in this or any circumstance. Trusting that God knows what is best for your child is vital to your contentment and satisfaction in Christ.

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

These verses remind us that words of truth spoken to our children are never wasted. You don’t have to thump your Bible and quote verses to them in order to speak truth into their lives. You can convey Scriptural wisdom to them without quoting chapter and verse.

If they are particularly hostile or closed off to the things of Christ, just offer them your wisdom, informed by Scripture, that comes from your sincere heart. If they reject it, you have done all you can and must leave it in the Lord’s hands. This is the absolute best place for it.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Super Practical Tips! Best Mom Ever ~ part 5

super practicalMom, let’s get SUPER practical. Here’s HOW to be THE best MOM ever. 

Your goal: changing the way you relate to your kid so your little monster saint learns to submit to God’s rule over them and, as a result, experience change their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. The heart is always the place to begin.

But first, I want to introduce you to the Y of P.R.A.Y.

Yield to God!

In this series on becoming the best mom ever, I’ve use the P.R.A.Y acronym.

1.    Prepare!

2.    Recognize you’re in a war.

3.   Assume your role as a benevolent dictator.

4.   Yield to God.

As you yield to God, wanting what God desires for you and your family, you will become best mom ever! Believe God can handle your problems, and guess what? Your faith will increase, and you’ll become calm and confident as a mom, and as a woman of God.

And just as you yield to God, your child must yield to you.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3

So are you ready for super practical tips?

Super Practical Day 1

Be a student of your child, even kids as young as age 2. Watch the attitude and the behavior (both good and bad). Your child’s behavior and words reveal what’s going on in the heart. Biblically speaking, the heart is called the inner person. And be sure to confirm in your mind and heart that you are THE MOM.

You’re about to shake things up in your home. So expect great things. And pray.

Super Practical Day 2

Each time your child (again, even as young as age 2) cops an attitude (including mouthing off, pouting, rolling eyes, and so on) OR misbehaves, choose one of these two approaches:

1. State your expectations once. Not twice or 10 times. ONCE.

Then get busy doing something, anything, like. . .email a friend, paint your toenails, or capture dust bunnies.

2. Let reality be the teacher.

For instance, if your Emma doesn’t set the table after you said it once (remember, only once), then she loses an hour or more of electronics (TV, computer, phone) even if she says she is sorry and will remember next time. Expect her to her chore with no reminders. If she forgets, well, bye-bye TV/computer/phone for an hour or more.

Why These 2 Super Practical Tips?

For one thing, you are looking for a teachable moment. You want to look happily to the privilege of sharing gospel truth with your child. Her disobedience lets you discipline in love, just as God disciplines you and me and every believer in Jesus.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid. Proverbs 12:1

And you also get to show your child how to handle conflict biblically. When you correct him, calmly say, “You didn’t follow through on your responsibility so I must obey God and discipline you.” This show that just as you are under God’s authority and must obey him, your child is under your authority and must obey you.

As you may have guessed, the hardest part is changing how you parent. It takes work. It requires consistency. The choice is yours: You can be a pushover (and irritated and sad) or you can BE THE MOM.

Friend, if you need support in parenting a difficult child, feel free to contact me. I offer biblical counseling in person and by Skype. And, exciting news, it looks like I’m expanding to a secord office, God willing.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

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9 Parenting Pressures to Let Go Now!

pressuresParenting today is a pressure cooker. In and out of the church, you can count at least 9 parenting pressures. By guest blogger Sarah Walton, a stay at home mom with four kids under the age of 8, whose article appeared first on Unlocking the Bible and is used with permission. –Ed.

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Pressures of 21st Century Parenting

From the first time I became a parent eight-and-a-half years ago, with three more little ones to follow, one thing has remained the same: There is immense pressure to keep up with the unrealistic and often unhealthy expectations that we, as parents, put on ourselves and feel from others.

Some of these pressures have always been a part of the parenting journey, but there continues to be more and more pressure bombarding parents today.

Nine Parenting Pressures

Here are a few of the pressures I have seen in my own parenting experience, as well as those that I have observed:

Structured Activities

1. My child must be in structured activities, early childhood education, and sports by the earliest age possible if they are going to be successful and able to keep up with other kids their age.

Entertainment

2. My child must be entertained at all times, especially if I need them to be quiet or want them to be happy. Entertainment might include going to the toddler movie and popcorn time at the movie theater, needing creative crafts and activities at their immediate disposal, having the latest gadget that all the kids are talking about, and being technologically savvy and entertained by the computer, TV, iPad, phone, and video games.

Manners

3. My child must be well-mannered, self-controlled, and obedient at all times in public (especially in church), or I must be doing something wrong as a parent.

Excellence

4. My child must excel at something to keep up with all the other baby geniuses. Otherwise, I might just have an “average” child.

5. If my child isn’t reading by the age of four, I must have done something wrong (I didn’t play them music in the womb, show them Baby Einstein videos through infancy, or provide an intellectually stimulating environment for them).

6. My child must begin a sport or cultural arts activity by the earliest age possible or they won’t be able to compete with their peers. He or she needs to play on a traveling team, even if requires all of our time, energy, and money, in order that we provide the best opportunities for them.

Advantages

7. My child will be disadvantaged if my husband and I both don’t work, in order to provide the best for them.

8. If I have no choice but to work, I am not as good of a mom as those who stay home. Or, if I have the blessing of staying home with my children, I am not contributing or helping the family and am wasting my gifts and talents.

9. My child must be ________: homeschooled, in private education, or in the public school system; vaccinated or not vaccinated; fed organic food or not; the list goes on.

I think it’s safe to say that many parents today can relate to many, if not all, of these pressures. Of course, not all of these are bad within themselves (a little TV time, a library story time, a sports camp, crafts to do at home, etc.), but they can subtly plant lies in our heads and create overwhelming expectations that are not in line with what God desires for us as parents. Unfortunately, these pressures can suck the joy, contentment, simplicity, and sweetness out of raising the children we have been blessed to raise.

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Friends, do you need help with parenting issues, including kids who are angry or depressed, or have doubts about God? Schedule a counseling appointment. Skype or in the office in Chicagoland. Feel free to contact me with your questions.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

 

Prodigal Daughter? Hope and Help for Moms!

Prodigal Daughter? Hope and Help for Moms!

Daughter. Is your daugher a prodigal? Then chances are, you are upset, hurt, sad, and a wet pile of other emotions. So what’s a mom to do? Where can she find help and hope? In this guest article that appeared first here, Suzanne Holland, listed in Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, gives you encouragement and a biblical plan of action. Reprinted with permission. 

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We get many calls to our counseling center from distraught moms who are seeking counseling for their teen or young adult daughters. Many have been dealing with the drama and heartache of a rebellious child for years before they call us, and they are at the end of their rope. They have done everything they know of to love and teach this child, but she is rebellious, worldly, and not interested in changing.

The roller coaster of emotions has got them frazzled and exhausted, and they want help for their daughter. These prodigals are rarely ready to sit down with a biblical counselor to talk about their sin and their need for repentance. If they are forced to come in, they are usually sullen and barely responsive, with crossed arms and an angry countenance.

In these cases, the best thing a mom can do for her wayward daughter is to get counseling for herself. She needs to understand that she cannot change her daughter, and she shouldn’t try. She needs to understand the truth about the situation and her part in it. Today, I’d like to share with you three things for a mom to remember when her teen or young adult daughter is in open rebellion.

1. Remember Who God Is

One of the temptations for a mom who is dealing with a rebellious adult child is to doubt the character of God. She might be tempted to ask, “If God is good, then why is he allowing this to happen? If God is loving, then why is He putting me through this? If God is all-powerful, then how can he allow my daughter to sin against me and our family in these ways?”

These questions are common and understandable, but they reveal a fatal flaw in the theology of the one who asks them. They show that the asker is basing her view of God on her circumstances, and not on the Bible.

If I base my view of God on my circumstances, then that means that the character of God is ever-changing. If things are going well for me, then God is good and He loves me. If things are going badly, then God must be evil or unloving or some other characteristic that is far from describing the God of the Bible.

But Malachi 3:6; Psalm 102:27; 1 Samuel 15:29; Hebrews 13:8; James 1:17 and many other Scriptures inform us that God does not change. So, as your daughter goes up and down on her roller coaster of emotions, behaviors, and disruptions, you can rest assured that your God has not joined her in that. Don’t you join her, either. Rest and put your hope in the one and only God of the Universe who doesn’t change like shifting shadows.

2: Remember Who Your Daughter Is

Like all of us, your daughter is a sinner who needs a savior. Perhaps she made a profession of faith—even seemed to be bearing fruit earlier in her life–but now you’re just not sure whether she is truly saved. Maybe she firmly insists that she is saved. However, her attitudes and behaviors do not bear witness of the Holy Spirit working in her life. Even if she is regenerate, she is still being saved, in the sense of sanctification, so she still needs a savior.

Your daughter is an image bearer of God, created by Him for His glory. His deepest desire for her life is that she would bring glory to His name.

So, as you struggle with her behavior, attitudes, and actions, you must remember that you also were created for the glory of God. You can manage your own emotional response, by confronting yourself like this: “You were created to glorify God. How are you doing right now?”

Your answer to that question will inform your next step. If your response is biblical and God-glorifying, bravo! Keep it up! But if it is not, repent and ask the Lord to change your heart so that you can respond biblically.

3: Remember What Brings Glory to God

As believing moms, we do long to glorify God in our parenting. But when a child is rebellious, disrespectful, and mired in unrepentant sin, it is hard to know  the God-glorifying response. So let’s just take it down to three responses that we know for sure are always glorifying to God.

Three Awesome Responses! 

Worship God

Psalm 86:9, 12; Psalm 29:1-2; Isaiah 24:14-15, and countless other verses teach us that the worship and praise of God bring Him glory. When you feel angry, sad, rejected, and hurt by your daughter, let that be a reminder to you to worship the One who is able to change her heart. Pour out your heart in lament to Him.

Christian song writer Michael Card says,

Lament…encompasses pain, hurt, confusion, anger, betrayal, despair, and injustice. It goes beyond your personal relationships to consider how all creation groans to be restored to God. Jesus understood that lament was the only true response of faith to the brokenness and fallenness of the world. It provides the only trustworthy bridge to God across the deep seismic quaking of our lives.”

Worship God as you travel that bridge to seek His face in your deepest heartache.

Obey God

Regardless of what your daughter is doing, you are accountable to God for your response to it. If you are sinning in your response to her sin, all you are doing is multiplying sin! How does that bring glory to God?

The best thing you can do is to seek the Lord, walk in obedience to Him, and trust that He will strengthen you to do so. What does obedience look like in this case? For the answer to that question, we must look to Jesus.

He walked among a rebellious people while he was here on the earth. He loved them, taught them by both word and example, and welcomed but never forced them to follow Him. He never tolerated sin, but lovingly and firmly rebuked and corrected it. And, when they would not listen, he let them go their way.

Pray to God

This one doesn’t need too much explanation, other than to say that, if you don’t want to pray or think it’s a waste of time, then you yourself are in serious rebellion against God.

Have you given up praying for your child because you “tried that and it didn’t work?” Are you angry about the way your child seems to have turned out? Are you disappointed in God, feeling like He let you down?

My dear sister, these are dangerous thoughts that will only lead you to despair and bitterness. Turn from this kind of thinking now, and cry out to God in prayer and repentance. As you do so, you will find that you are worshiping Him, and this will lead you to walk in obedience no matter what your daughter is up to.

More Encouragement

Seeing our children grow up and walk away from our beliefs and practices is heartbreaking, to say the least. I personally know this heartache every single day. But our children’s choices do not have to determine our own.

God is who He says He is no matter what is happening in our lives. When your child screams at you and slams her door, God is still good. When she chooses the world over Him, He is still faithful. Even if she walks away, leaving your home and disappearing from your life, He loves you. He loves you with an everlasting love that never fails, never leaves, never loses patience. Cling to Him in your darkest times.

Resources

One of the best books I’ve read on this subject is Letting Go: Rugged Love for Wayward Souls, by Dave Harvey and Paul Gilbert. I highly recommend it if you are struggling with these issues.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

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