When Moral Relativism Comes to Counseling

When Moral Relativism Comes to Counseling

Moral relativism — it defines topsy-turvy postmodern culture and is coming to a counseling room near you. How might a counselor think compassionately about such things? This article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition.

Remember the blind men and the elephant? Six blind sojourners come across different parts of an elephant in their life journeys and each, in turn, creates his own version of reality based on his experience. One proclaims the elephant is a wall, another says it’s a snake, another a spear, and so forth.

This illustration is the poster child of moral relativism, which insists that “what’s right for me is my truth.” It asserts that personal truth is the highest form of truth. Moral relativism dominates our culture and has likely barged into your counseling office, as it has mine, noisily demanding that one must “live their truth.”

Moral Relativism Is Old News 

It reaches back to the Garden. The smooth-talking serpent questioned the Truth-giver’s truth—that Adam and Eve may eat from all the trees but one, or “you shall surely die” (Gen. 2:17)—and the first couple gobbled Satan’s lie.

Adam’s new not-true “truth” sent him running and hiding and blaming. “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself” (Gen. 3:10). He hid because of the shame of his sin of disobedience. Then he compounded his lie in blaming the woman, who in turn blamed the serpent.

God hates lying. Proverbs 12:22 declares:

“Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

Its opposite is truth, of course. God determines the truth. Not me, not you, and not our counselees.

Moral Relativism in Modernity

Back in the ‘70s, I believed the lie of moral relativism packaged as a pro-choice argument. I admit this with great embarrassment. My friend Ellen was “with child,” thanks to her college boyfriend, a condom failure, and her belief that sex before marriage was “just fine, thank you.”

The good Catholic girl that I was, I thought abortion was wrong, and “I’d never get one,” but “if it’s right for you, then that’s your choice,” and thus I supported her decision. A mutual friend and I checked out the abortion clinic with the Better Business Bureau before she went because we cared about her.

And the baby? What baby? We all tried to forget. Moral relativism had won.

Now let’s zip to today and survey the cultural landscape: drag kids, transgenderism, an alphabet soup of gender “expressions” (whatever that means), pedophilia disguised as man-boy love, and of course abortion on demand through all the months of pregnancy. And when abortion “fails,” infanticide.

Moral Relativism in the Counseling Office

A little while back, the parents of a teen girl named “Kaylee” wanted me to talk with her about her older brother’s decision to transition to be “a female.” He had begun hormone therapy and was considering radical surgery to remove his genitalia. There was also talk of breast implants.

Equally confusing, my counselee’s brother was dating a bisexual. A man transitioning to a woman was dating a guy who admitted to liking men and women. Weird, right? Yet my counselee took it in stride. “She’s happier now,” Kaylee remarked, using the appropriate progressive pronoun. “She’s who she wants to be, who she’s meant to be.”

The parents professed Christianity as did Kaylee. The mom wasn’t outwardly upset over their son, but the dad seemed embarrassed and said so. Their concern now was making sure Kaylee was fine with their family’s new not-true truth while also admitting they walked a road where up is down and right is wrong.

Not surprisingly, when Kaylee and I read Scripture verses and discussed their meaning, she—like many counselees—was quick to say, “What this means to me is ….” That little prepositional phrase “to me” is a sign of our moral relativistic times and a bane to Bible study.

An Important Place to Reclaim Truth

As we open our Bibles and read Scripture, there may be no better place to reclaim truth in the counseling office than proper Bible study. Today’s prevailing cultural message to “live your truth” is demanding and noisy and a lie. It lures people, including Christians, to live whatever way feels right to them (Prov. 14:12).

But historical-grammatical Bible study provides a process to understand a text as God intended, protecting us from falling into error. Many excellent volumes have been written on how to study the Bible. I encourage you to ask your pastor or a spiritually mature Christian friend for recommendations. One of the many excellent resources is John MacArthur’s How to Study the Bible (Chicago: Moody, 2009).

Along these lines, let us start with three primary questions we can encourage our counselees to ask as they read a passage of Scripture:

  1. What does it say? (Not what does it say to me.)
  2. What does it mean? (Not what does it mean to me.)
  3. How should it change me? Here, the “me” is spot on and we might follow it up with these additional questions:
    1. What does this passage teach me about God?
    2. How does this aspect of God’s character change my view of self?
    3. What should I do in response?

Moral relativism is our culture’s precious grandchild now. It gets a pat on the head and sugar for supper. It demands its way like 2-year-old. And it barges into the counseling room. So how might you quiet it? Feed your counselee Truth.

Questions for Reflection

Which Bible study process helps your counselees have a correct understanding, interpretation, and application of Scripture?

Describe a time when you saw moral relativism play out in the counseling office, classroom, or church lobby. What was your response?

How are you guarding yourself and your family in today’s moral relativistic times?

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are you telling the truth? This question invites us to consider the validity of our thoughts and to replace the lies we silently tell ourselves with life-giving truth.

Have you noticed this phenomenon and do you believe the lies you tell yourself? Such as:

“I’m not good enough.”

“Ugly. . .that’s me.”

“Idiot, idiot, idiot.”

“No one cares.”

“You’ll never change.”

Sound familiar? We women bash ourselves, don’t we? You. Me. Everyone. An article in The Atlantic estimates that we say thousands upon thousands of words and phrases to ourselves each day. And often what we say about ourselves isn’t true.

Why do we do this? And how can we stop?

The Reason We Lie

Verbal-bashing began long ago. You may recall the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible. All was perfect in the garden until Satan in the form of a serpent slithered on the scene and spoke a lie to Eve, and she believed him. His lie:

You shall not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it [a tree that God had said was off-limits] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:4-5

She believed her enemy, chopped the fruit, and died. Not immediately, but eventually. And she doubted God’s goodness. Shame filled her. Then she and Adam sewed fig leaves to cover up.

When I lie to myself, I am believing my enemy. You too.

A lie I used to tell myself A LOT: “You’re defective, Lucy.” Thankfully, I finally listened to God while in a pit of despair and agreed with him that I am precious. I am precious because he says so.

Begin Speaking Truth

What lies do you tell yourself about yourself? Would you like to replace the lies with the truth about you. And this truth is beautiful, sweet sister.

So here’s how to start telling yourself the truth. These two steps are simple to remember. This is the good part. But if you have a habit pattern of repeating lies to yourself, then you’ll need to have an action plan and enact it.

1. Recognize the lies you say to yourself.

2. Replace the lies with the truth.

In my example of “You’re defective, Lucy,” I replaced this lie with the truth, “God says you’re precious … because you’re his child.” Every time I spoke the “you’re defective” lie to my soul, I then spoke the truth. Over time I caught my lie more and more quickly, and replaced it ASAP. Soon I very rarely said this lie to myself.

So speak the truth about youself. And keep on identifying more lies and replace them with truth. Soon you’ll notice you’ll speak truth in love to yourself and to the people God has put in your path. Your family, your friends, the dog sitter, the Walmart cashier, a stranger.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be acceptable in your sight,
    Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

COUNSELING BY SKYPE/FACETIME

Lucy has Skype-counseled women and families throughout the United States and the world, including China, Germany, the UK, Sweden, Paraguay, and Australia. Read more about biblical counseling in general as well as important information on Skype/Facetime counseling.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

3 Steps to Stopping Ugly Thoughts

3 Steps to Stopping Ugly Thoughts

Who doesn’t have ugly thoughts, at least once in a while? Good news: You can replace ugly thoughts with truthful thoughts and renew your mind. Here’s a tool for you.

So today you learn how to:

1. Identify an ugly thought you believe that’s true about you or your circumstance.

2. Recognize the link between your thoughts and your feelings and replace your ugly thought with a new thought.

3. See change in your emotions and actions as you renew your thoughts. A helpful tool is my Transform Your Thoughts e-Journal. Available now.

What’s better, this process has helped hundreds of my counselees renew their thinking. It is based on scripture verses like Romans 12:2 and Ephesians 4:22-24:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Step 1: Identify

First, on notebook paper, set up your categories like this:

UGLY THOUGHT. . .EMOTIONS. . .ACTIONS

Then under “Ugly Thought” write your current or recurring negative, ungodly thought. Then jot down the resulting emotions under “Emotions.” Now, list your behaviors under “Actions.” Here’s an example.

UGLY THOUGHT: “I’m stupid”

EMOTION(s): Anger, depression, loneliness

ACTION(s): Yell at the kids, slam the door, eat a bag of chips

Step 2: Replace

Now write three new categories. Under “Truthful Thought” replace the ugly thought with a biblical truth or a scripture verse. Then write the likely resulting feelings under “New Emotion” and likely behaviors under “New Action.” On your notebook paper set up your categories like this:

TRUTHFUL THOUGHT. . .NEW EMOTIONS. . .NEW ACTIONS

Here’s a corresponding example.

TRUTHFUL THOUGHT: God says all his works are wonderful, so this means I’m an okay person and He’ll help me.

NEW EMOTION(s): Contentment, courage

NEW ACTION(s): Hug the kids, smile, complete the job application

Step 3: See Change

Lastly, chart the ugly thoughts you believe, your emotions, and your actions daily. As soon as you recognize an ugly thought, replace it with a truthful thought. And ask God in prayer to help you believe his truth. As you stick with it, you’ll begin to see a change in your emotions and actions as you replace ugly thoughts with the truth. Please be patient and persevere.

You didn’t develop poor thinking patterns overnight. In fact, they may have begun in childhood and are ingrained in your thinking. And so it’ll take weeks, sometimes months, as you to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in the renewing of your mind. Have hope. You CAN do it with God’s help.

Question: What is truthful thought you’d like to have in place of an ugly thought?

Help! I’m a Slave to Food (part 1)

foodFood is a gift from God, right? But for some people, overeating is a. . .sin. In this helpful post that first appeared here, counselor Paul Tautges shares parts of Shannon Kay McCoy‘s booklet, Help! I’m a Slave to Food. It is used with permission. (Edited for length–LAM)

God declares overeating to be a sin: ‘For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty’ (Proverbs 23:21).

So begins the second chapter of biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy’s very helpful mini-book HELP! I’m a Slave to Food.

Then McCoy defines sin. These definitions include–

  • whatever is not from faith is sin (Romans 14:23).
  • therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin (James 4:17).
  • all unrighteousness is sin (1 John 5:17).
  • sin is lawlessness (1 John 3:4).

These descriptions view sin as the act of the will. Sin is choosing to act in opposition to God’s Word.

Sin of Overeating?

Slave to Food-small email

McCoy continues: “Perhaps you don’t believe that overeating is a sin. Many of us have been brainwashed by magazine articles, television talk shows, and reality shows that tell us that food is the problem: you are simply eating the wrong things in the wrong way.”

Often Christians view overeating as a diet problem rather than a sin problem. But overeating does n

ot seem serious. We often treat it as one of those ‘little sins’ that are acceptable in the church.

You don’t hear sermons or read books on the sin of overeating, do you? Your focus is more on getting treatment for your problem of overeating than facing up to your personal responsibility of repentance and obedience.

As McCoy pointed out, overeating is failing to do the right thing. It is unrighteousness and lawlessness.

Description of a Food Struggle

A woman McCoy spoke with describes her struggle:

My eating was out of control. I ate solely to satisfy whatever craving I was having at the time. As a result, my health was suffering and I was not honoring God with my life and body He had given me. I was for the first time confronted with the fact that the way that I was eating was sinful. I knew that my eating was ‘not good,’ but I never considered that my eating was sin.

In her mini-book, Shannon transparently identifies with her readers by acknowledging that overeating once dominated her life. Then she shares the life-changing counsel from the Scriptures, which changed her life, beginning with admitting the seriousness of her sin problem.

Overeating Is Not an Addiction

Some overeaters label themselves “food addicts,” believing they are addicted to food. However, addiction is not a biblical term. The world uses this terminology to describe the behavior of someone who is controlled by a substance.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines addiction in this way: “To devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively.” But the danger in labeling overeating as “addiction” is that it undermines the personal conviction of sin. If the problem is not sin, then you will look for solutions in a system of theories, not in the person of Jesus Christ.

Overeating Is Idolatry

The biblical term for “addiction” is “idolatry.” The sin of overeating is idolatry. And idolatry is worship and devotion to creation rather than worship and devotion to the Creator God.

You worship your stomach and appetites by indulging in food. In fact, you desire the created food more than your Creator. The problem is not necessarily the food you consume; it is the worship of your heart. But before you can be set free, you must acknowledge your idol, denounce it, repent, and give your heart and devotion to him. Your greatest hope is in turning from your false gods and surrendering your life to Jesus, who forgives your sins and frees you from the sin of overeating.

God’s Grace Empowers Us to Change

Romans 6:12-14 both exhorts us to repent of the sin of overeating and gives us hope on God’s power to change us:

Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

In the remainder of her mini-book, McCoy teaches us how to conquer the sin of overeating by God’s gracious empowerment for disciplined living.

Get HELP! I’m a Slave to Food in print copy and/or Kindle format.

RESOURCE: Looking for a whole-hearted, comprehensive ebook to be Fit for Life. Get it now.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

Top 3 Reasons for Anger!

anger 3Anger: Some women bottle it up; others let it blow. The important question: What’s the best way to handle anger?

You’ve experienced anger, haven’t you? We all have. The reasons for anger outnumber summer dandelions. Like a dandelion, it has a root. Just as weeding can rid dandelions from your yard, you can learn the best way to let go of your anger.

In this article, you’ll get these two practical helps to grow hope in your soul:

  1. Identify 3 main reasons for anger.
  2. Discover the how to zap anger at its root.

The last thing you want is a place for the devil. The word devil come from the Greek diabolos, which means “one who makes malicious false statements; a false accuser; a slanderer.” It is the a title for Satan.

His main goal is to deceive people, including Christians. He wants to convince you to reject the truth and believe lies.

‘In your anger do not sin.’ Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27, NIV)

Reasons for Anger

Hurt: Tami’s husband is MIA — “in the worst way,” she says. “He’s here but not here. I’m so hurt I could scream.” After dinner, he disappears into his man cave, where he reclines in a La-Z-Boy and flips cable channels. He has next-to-know conversation with Tami or their two young school-aged children during the evening. She cleans up after dinner, helps with homework, and gets them ready for bed — and seethes.

A normal response to a hurt is anger. When hurt, do you stuff your anger? Do you yell or slam doors?

Lack of control. When your life gets squirmy, you may feel out of control and angry.

“What are you? Stupid?” Suzanne yelled into her cell. Her teenage son had forgotten to pick up his little brothers from soccer practice. A single mom, she depends on her eldest for help. Her mocking putdown reveals her feelings of lack of control. She didn’t get what she wanted so she got angry.

Can you think something you got that you didn’t want? Perhaps a parking ticket? A poor performance review? A snub from a friend? What was your emotion?

Godly indignation. Sometimes — but not often, if we’re honest — you and I feel anger when we hate what God hates. God hates hypocrisy. He hates evil. God hates the trafficking of children. God experiences anger yet never sins. His anger is holy.

Here’s a scene in the Bible where Jesus displays anger:

Jesus goes into the synagogue on a Sabbath where there were Pharisees and a man with a withered hand and “looked around at them [the Pharisees] in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, ‘Stretch out your hand.’ He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus” (Mark 5:6).

What’s something you hate that God hates? Does it make you angry? This is godly indignation.

How to Kill Anger

Hold on to your godly indignation and let it propel you to good — this is holy anger. My husband and I hate the suffering of families in poverty. Our anger has led us to support a child through World Vision and to organize a food drive to stock a local food pantry. But. . .

Uproot ungodly anger. It ends up hurting you and the people around you. It also grieves the Spirit (Ephesians 4:30).

Unresolved anger can become bitterness that poisons your relationships and you. The sure “cure” for anger is forgiveness. Let’s look at forgiveness from two angles.

When you’ve been wronged, you can become angry and sin. Or you can choose forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t easy. It costs you. It cost God (Colossians 3:13). When you forgive someone, you no longer hold the person’s sin against them. Forgiving doesn’t excuse their behavior or pretends the wrong never happened. However, you choose to let it go.

Your also deal with your hurt in a godly manner. It is wise for Tami and Suzanne to seek God’s perspective and determine to obey the Word in spite of how they feel. Both women need to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) to their family members.

Tami could let her husband know how his disappearing act hurts her and the family. She can be confident that God will work in her husband’s heart, convicting him of his need to ask forgiveness (2 Timothy 3:16). Suzanne could lovingly remind her son that she counts on him to help out and if he’s unable to follow through on his commitment than he needs to let her know so she can make alternate arrangements.

In addition, Tami needs to ask her husband’s forgiveness. She has anger toward her husband that she need to confess. Suzanne needs to ask her son’s forgiveness too. Angry words cut like a knife.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

3 Parts of a Message

Did you know that the words you say are just one part of your communication? Your body language and your tone of voice make up a far larger part of your message than your words. Would you believe that they account for more than 90 percent of your message? This is an essential you need to know — that I need to remember too — in all of our relationships.

Please subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss it! When you subscribe you also will get a complimentary e-Book on your indentity in Christ. Also, order the quick download “7 Steps to Putting the Past in the Past. . .and Keeping It There.”



Sharing hope with your heart,

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