2 Top Marriage Complaints!

2 Top Marriage Complaints!

Christians wives have two top complaints in marriage. And both concern the lack of male leadership in the home. See guest writer Julie Ganschow’s page here on our Heart2Heart Counselor Directory. Her article appeared first here and is reprinted with permission. (Edited for lenth. –LAM)

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Common Complaints!

Common complaints from Christian wives include the following:

Many of these wives share the same qualities. They are Bible literate, faithful church attendees, and clearly love the Lord. Some are willing to be honest with themselves and recognize their culpability in their marital problems.

But the majority believe the husband is mostly at fault. These women focus on all the things the husband does wrong. And they find it very hard to examine themselves on a deep enough level for a biblical conviction to be produced over their own sin.

Isn’t it far too easy for us to rationalize and justify our own sinful responses toward our husbands? Especially when we let our feelings lead us?

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

Why Husbands Fail

Poor, or lacking, male leadership happens for a couple of reasons:

1) He doesn’t know how to lead, or

2) He’s given up.

Both are problematic, and both are fixable.

Top Complaint #1: My Husband Won’t Lead

Possibly he doesn’t know HOW to lead.

Men are by nature leaders. They are wired to take charge, protect, supervise, and lead. Our current culture does not encourage men to develop these skills. In fact, our culture seems determined to emasculate men. An unfortunate reality is there are more than eight million boys being raised without fathers. Their moms love them and do their best. However, a boy will not learn how to be a man from his mom, as much as she tries to instill those qualities in her son.

We biblical counselors routinely find men that don’t know how to lead and are embarrassed to admit it. The good news is a man can learn how to develop biblical leadership skills and habits through individual discipleship with another man. This kind of relationship will help equip him in the areas of being a godly man and husband.

Top Complaint #2: My Husband Has Given Up

The second complaint is more damaging than the first complaint. It grows from the wife undermining or getting in the way of her husband’s leadership.

Ladies, here is where you need to get honest with yourselves!

Are you undercutting or disagreeing with nearly every decision he makes? Have you stepped in to be the leader because “someone has to lead this family”? Have you given him the message that he doesn’t lead “right”? Do you disagree with the direction he wants to take you and the family? Have you delivered the message that you do not trust him or his leadership?

Husbands are easily discouraged by wives who won’t follow or who question their leadership. They quickly learn that they are not allowed to make decisions for the family by themselves. In these circumstances, often the man says his wife is undermining him and that she criticizes him when she doesn’t agree with his decisions. He says his wife belittles him and always has plenty of reasons why his ideas and plans are insufficient or won’t work.

This reveals an enormous failing in submission on the part of the woman. Submitting is not to be demanded by the husband, nor is it to be done grudgingly or with fear.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 1 Corinthians 11:13

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 1 Peter 3:1-2

Finding a Solution

When a woman fails in submission, the husband eventually gives up attempting to lead.

To correct this pattern, the wife must first be convicted that she is guilty of these things. Then she would confess to God and her husband that she has usurped his authority and disobeyed God’s Word regarding submission in marriage (Ephesians 5:21-331 Peter 1:3-7Titus 2:5).

She also must cease her attempts to lead her husband. This is tough when she has little confidence in his decisions or when he is a weak leader. However, she must remember that it to God she ultimately submits and it is God who is leading her family.

A faithful wife will let her husband know she has input to offer in a situation and ask him if he wants to hear it. A wise man will accept his wife’s counsel, and take it into consideration when making a decision. When he does not, she must entrust herself to God and believe our sovereign God has the situation in His hand.

On a Personal Note

I have learned these lessons the hard way. When I determined to do things my way, I disrespected my husband by my actions and my attitudes. A lack of unity resulted. I learned two important things: men will not tolerate being emasculated by their wives, and you cannot expect to usurp his authority without consequences.

Truth: “It is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” Proverbs 21:19

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

Building a Godly Marriage by Leading Together

marriageMARRIAGE: When marriage hurts, you may wonder if you’re destined for continual disagreement and dissatisfaction. Or is their a path forward, together? Discover how you and your spouse can lead together while respecting God-designed roles in marriage.

Your path forward is a plan on where and how to lead your home.

Leading Together?

Often we equate leadership in the home to specific roles, obligations and expectations. Did you know that biblical teaching on marriage is really more about following Christ than who’s in charge in the home?

There are five biblical words that capture the heart of the Christian leadership model in the home: stong, sacraficial, spiritual, servant, and support. The first four describes the husband’s role in a godly marriage. The fifth is just for you, the wife.

Five Leadership Keys

For Husbands:

  1. Strong (intentional, pure, engaged, addressing the issues)
  2. Sacrificial (putting others before self, unconditional love)
  3. Spiritual (investing in spiritual growth, modeling godly character)
  4. Servant (humble)

When a husband is a strong, sacraficial, spiritual, servant leader of home, wives want to follow, don’t you agree?But when a husband abdicates his leadership responsibility,conflict and disunity result. There is hope. So if you are in this position as a couple, don’t settle for a “less than wonderful” marriage. Rather, seek help from your pastor or a biblical counselor, in person or by Skype.

For Wives: 

5. Support

So how does a wife lead? She leads by supporting her husband. Counterintuitive, isn’t it? Does this mean she brings home the bacon while her guy binges on Netflix? Oh dear Lord, no! A wife supports him by helping him become the strong-sacraficial-spiritual-servant-leader that God wants them to be. And one part of this is speaking the truth in love. You have a voice!

When a Husband Abuses His Role!

However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, God provides two primary ways to safety.

One way:

One is calling the authorities for protection and justice. If you believe you or your children are in danger, dial 911. God has provided you governing authorities and to the civil laws for your good.

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. Romans 13:1-2

Another way:

Get the church involved. Consider following Matthew 18 if your husband is in sin. Here’s a foundational text in Matthew:

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17

By faith believe God’s truth that when both spouses embrace God’s design, your marriage will begin to improve. If only one spouse embraces God’s design, you will still see improvement but more slowly.

But rejecting God’s design continues the spiral downward toward conflict and disunity. What you are going to learn in counseling is how to embrace God, each other, and healthy biblical leadership in your home.

There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage. –Martin Luther

Free Resource!

DOWNLOAD: Here’s a download that show you how to apply the 5 leadership keys to your marriage. Thank you to Biblical Counseling Center for developing this resource.

 

7 Lies About Submission

submission

SUBMISSION? Use this S word among girlfriends in church or on a night out and toes curl.

Many people misunderstand what the Bible means when it says that wives are to “be submissive” to their husbands. This includes many married women I’ve counseled.

Forever I’ll remember the panicked call from a friend whose former college roommate fled her West Coast home, very pregnant and with two little ones in tow. The former roommate and I soon talked by phone. Through sobs the story came out:

Her Christian husband demanded that she “obey” his every word and threated her with physical harm.

Fearing for her children’s safety and her own sanity, she packed bags and drove east toward her childhood home.

Do you have a handle on the real meaning of submisison? Has someone use care about used this word against you in order to manipulate you or shame you?

For this article, I turned to Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem for answers and discovered 7 lies about submision I share with your. Read 1 Peter 3:1-7 here and the 7 below. My prayer is for you to understand God’s plan for marriage and to learn common abuses over submission, like the one my pregnant counselee had encountered.

Lie 1: Put Your Huband in the Place of Christ 

Christ is always first. 1 Peter 2:21 says,

Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men (1 Peter 2:13).

Rather, look to Christ and follow him.

Lie 2: Never Try to Influence Your Husband

You should influence your husband, wisely and winsomely. For instance, a wife whose husband is an unbeliever ought to win him over (to Christian faith) “without words by their behavior”–pure and reverent.

Lie 3: Stop Thinking for Yourself

Peter speaks directly to wives in 1 Peter 3:1-6, not to the husbands. He wants them to think about God’s Word and apply it to their lives. My former counselee who had put a safe distance between her and her husband reported that he told her what she should think. She wasn’t allowed to think for herself. Have you received a similar edict from your husband?

Lie 4: Give in to Your Husband’s Demands  

When a husband demands that a wife sin, she must say “no” to her huband. Her refusal to sin lines up with Peter’s command to have proper conduct among unbelievers:

Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Lie 5: You Are Less Competent Than Your Husband

This is another lie. In fact, some wives have far greater spiritual insight than husbands. This is certainly true when a Christian wife is married to an unbelieving spouse. She has the Holy Spirit dwelling within her. He does not.

Lie 6: Submission Means Wives Should Fear

On the contrary, Peter says wives should not “give way to fear” (verse 6). The instruction for husbands to respect their wives as “the weaker partner” has nothing to do with a woman’s lack of courage when endangered.

Lie 7: Submission Means Wives Are ‘Less Than’

Jesus submitted to God the Father, and he has dignitity and honor. A wife’s submission to her husband is similiar to Christ’s submission to the Father; they have equal importance.

What Submission Means

“Be submissive to your husbands” (verse 1) basically means that a wife willingly affirms the leadership of the husband. It doesn’t mean she’s a doormat or has no say or lacks value. Rather,

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives, as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28)

Both the husband and wife are called to self-sacrifice. Look at the word the apostle Paul selected for love. It is agape in the Greek. This self-sacrificing kind of love isn’t about sex or affection or brotherly kindness. It is the kind that lays down one’s life for the other.

As a Bible study author astutely pointed out, an argument in a home where a husband loves his wife and she submits to his leadership might sound like,

“I insist that you have your way.”

“No, no, really, I insist you have your way.”

Just imagine that was the tone of your arguments, with the husband trying to out-sacrifice his wife and the wife trying to out-submit her husband. Just imagine the number of marriages that would thrive. The kids too.

I encourage you to read Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood for yourself. It sheds light on many Scripture passages that have confused men and women, leading to clarity in the roles of husband and wife in the home, church, and personal life.

Let us live in harmony with one another, as God intends.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

lucy-signature-blue

What Submission Should Look Like!

marriageWhen you use the “S” word among friends, you’ll get a lot of opinions. Which one is correct?

SUBMISSION. Say this S word  and may hear snorts and see eyebrows rise. You know what some are thinking: Submit? Me? You’ve lost your brain.

And yet. . .

God commands us to submit to Him and to one another, with additional emphasis on wives.

You may have heard this verse quoted, word by word, sometimes pridefully, sometimes timidly, and only occasionally with proper use:

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord.” (Colossians 3:18)

Two similar verses pop up in Ephesians.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)

“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:24)

A Timely Message

Whether you’re married, single or single again, this message is for you. The battle of the sexes, especially in our homes, endears us women to the devil, who loves marriage redefined — you know, guy with guy, gal with gal — but also destroyed.

Husbands, Love

While many can quote the “wives submit” verses, fewer remember its counterparts:

“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19)

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives, as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28)

Women: submit. Men: love.

Both husband and wife are called to self-sacrifice. Look at the word the apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, selected for love: agape in the Greek. This self-sacrificing kind of love isn’t about sex or affection or brotherly kindness. It is the kind that lays down one’s life for the other.

It looks a lot like. . .submission.

As a Bible study author astutely pointed out, an argument in such a home would sound like,

“I insist that you have your way.”

“No, no, really, I insist you have your way.”

Imagine the tone of your arguments, if each tried to out-sacrifice the other. Imagine the number of marriages that would flourish. Imagine kids learning from their moms and dads how to lovingly treat their future mates. Just imagine. . .and try it in your own marriage.

Sharing Hope for Your Heart,

 

if you’re a woman, you need a hug

Men — dads, brothers, husbands, friends — sometimes fail to appreciate a holy hug. . .but you understand: You are a multi-faceted woman. A jewel.

It is a well-known fact among men that we multi-faceted women can, at times, be moody. Men don’t get us. Even married guys don’t get their wives. Really, how hard can it be?

If you could see me now, my mischievous smile (think: Cheshire cat) and wink would tell you I’m kidding.

But you knew that already.

Because — if you’re married, now or then — you’ve been there.

I’m comfortable with crazy. The Hubs is not. I think he thinks I’m two Romaine leaves short of a Caesar salad. Bad joke. :-)

He’d use other words:

All meant lovingly.

Of course.

Didya see that wink again?

“Why are you slamming cabinet doors, Lucy. You’ll break the hinges.”

So you care more about stupid hinges than my feelings.

SLAM. SLAM.

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting.”

SLAM. SLAM.

No, I’m not overreacting.

SLAM.

I hurt. I can’t be a robot like you. Just because I feel emotions, Mr. Robot, doesn’t mean I’m weak or volatile or PMSing.

It means I’m real

and

I’m sick of stuffing emotions because stuffing emotions makes me sick

and I want to be whole

and hugged.

I need a sense of belonging.

Bad.

You do too. Thank God you belong to him. You are a jewel. A pearl. Precious. Our heavenly Father understands your needs. He loves you deep.

Q4U: What about you? Do you need a hug?

You Are Loved,


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