God’s Love Heals Abuse ~ a hope story

God’s Love Heals Abuse ~ a hope story

Truly embracing God’s love for you — especially if you’ve experienced the horror of sexual abuse — is the way to hope and healing. Do you want healing too? Read Monica’s story and learn how gospel-centered counseling helped remove stumbling blocks to her faith. Consider biblical counseling for you or a loved one too.

This article by biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy, featured on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory here, appeared first at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permisison.

Monica’s Story

At a young age, Monica was sexually abused by her step-father until he divorced her mother. In her teenage years she was raped by her brother’s friends.

She lived a life of promiscuity—getting pregnant twice with both ending in abortions. She was drinking alcohol heavily and using drugs until the age of 24 when she developed cervical cancer. God used her illness to get her attention.

She became a Christian and met her husband, Jeff, at church. Only one year into the marriage, Monica began suffering from bouts of depression and self-loathing.

She was distancing herself from her husband but didn’t know why. You see, she thought as a Christian, she shouldn’t struggle with these issues. Finally she confided in a Christian friend who encouraged her to seek biblical counseling.

The Journey Begins

The counseling process helped Monica to discover some stumbling blocks to her faith. She had doubts about God—about His goodness, His grace, His love, and doubted ever being free from condemning thoughts. With the love and support of her husband, she began the difficult process of looking at her past through the lens of Scripture.

She was afraid to rGod's Loveeveal certain details to Jeff because she didn’t want him to stop loving her. He assured her of his love and commitment, so she forged ahead allowing God to peel away layer after layer into her past.

During the most difficult layers of dealing with the sexual abuse, she had to distance herself from him intimately. After eighteen months of biblical processing, Monica was able to restore her relationship to her husband.

Believing Again in God’s Love 

Through the counseling process, her faith had grown stronger. She believed in God’s goodness and grace. But she wasn’t so sure about His love.

She told the counselor that she still couldn’t understand how a holy God could love someone with her past. The counselor asked her,

How do you know that Jeff loves you, even after knowing of your past?

She thought about how Jeff had been very supportive throughout the counseling process. He had been incredibly gracious to her when she was at her worst with depression and self-loathing. During the time she separated herself from him intimately, he was amazingly patient and forgiving.

He wasn’t shocked nor disgusted when he learned of the sexual abuse. Instead, he was a safe and secure haven.

Her husband’s love encouraged her to share her heart with him. Knowing her ugly past, she was only met with Jeff’s unconditional love. In return, she loved him in a much deeper way. She would sacrifice her time and energy to please him.

And spending time with him was no longer a burden. She treasured every moment with him because she felt valued by his love.

Reclaiming Her Love for Her Husband

Monica kept growing in her relationship with God and her husband. Indeed, she no longer feared her husband’s love.

To the question, “How do you know that Jeff loves you?” she answered this way. “I know Jeff loves me because he has demonstrated his love in marvelous ways.” The counselor asked Monica to read Romans 5:8, which states,

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

The counselor stated that God proved His love for her by sending His Son, Jesus, to die for her sins. And since she is a believer, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

The counselor also reminded Monica that God’s love was lavished on her through Jeff’s love. Seeing how Jeff loved her with the love of God, she began to get the picture. She finally grasped a greater understanding of God’s love.

Monica also learned that God’s love for her is incredibly gracious and sacrificial, amazingly patient and forgiving, safe and secure, and completely accepting of her in spite of her past. She realized that Christ has given her a new identity—His identity. She was no longer a victim living in her past.

God saw everything she did and yet still loved her. This realization gripped Monica deep into the core of her soul.

She kept repeating to herself, “God really does love me!”

Motivated by Love to Love

God’s love granted Monica the grace to love Him. As she daily contemplated His love, she became more sensitive to affronting the One she loved which led quickly to repentance of sin. She also found it easier to pray. And she didn’t fear seeking His presence.

In addition, she wanted to spend time with God. She desired to please Him with her time and energy. She had a growing willingness to sacrifice her life for God’s glory—no longer doing things her way.

Monica learned as the Apostle Paul did, that “the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14). Christ’s sacrificial, substitutionary death motivated Paul’s service for Him. In Galatians 2:20, Paul states,

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Paul learned that he died to the Law because he was crucified with Christ. Therefore he was able to live for God because Christ lived in him.

The greatest love of all.

True love has a constraining virtue. Monica realized this in Jeff’s love for her. It cost him something to love her. He accepted the consequences of her past and chose to love her. She would do anything for him because he loved her at her worst.

Even greater is the love of Christ. It cost Him something to love us. He gave up His life when we were at our worst—and still loves us at our worst. By faith Monica embraced God’s love for her. In return, she loved God because He first loved her (1 John 4:19).

Join the Conversation

Think of a time when you felt really loved by someone. What effect did it have on you? How did you respond to that love? Now think of God’s love for you. What effect does His love have on you? How do you respond to His love?

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

3 Things to Learn from a Mistake

3 Things to Learn from a Mistake

My mistake began as many bad things do. . .with no warning.

I had skipped my gym workout. So to appease my guilt, I decided to stretch gently for a few minutes then do 25 full sit-ups. Bad mistake. You see, very soon I’d injure myself. And soon after my physical injury, emotional pain would hit me upside the head.

And as my pain worsened — physical and emotional — I learned 3 lessons I’ll share in just a moment.

Have you made a mistake too? What pain did you experice?

My Sit-Up Mistake

Now back to my sit-up story.

On that day which I’d love to erase from the calender, I tucked my feet under the couch, laid on my back, and rolled all the way up. (Seriously, friends, do NOT perform sit-ups this way. Too late I learned this truth from Bob and Brad, popular YouTube physical therapists. Check out this video of 15 exercises to never do.)

On my eighth full sit-up, something in my back felt weird. But I pressed on and completed two more sit-ups, far short of my goal. I rubbed my back and called it a day — and didn’t think much of my situps

  until the next morning

when I awoke to an intense clenching in the muscles in my lower back and numbness in my legs. I elbowed my snoozing husband.

mistakes

 

“Steve, something’s wrong. I need your help. Steve, wake up.”

I worried. (Yes, I know worrying is a sin.) Yes, pain had gotten my attention.

More Problems Hit

As I rested and got pampered by my family who cooked, laundered, and swept, as my cats curled next to me, I found out that a close family member needed daily injections. Nothing life threatening, but just another thing to handle. Time passed. My back injury lingered. And my emotional pain intensified. Dare I admit, I asked “Why me?”

I remember thinking and praying,

“God, the doctor said I should be better in four to eight weeks. I’m not. Walking and standing hurts, and my legs and feet feel bubble-wrapped, and now a family member is hurting. Help us.”

Then, health difficulties slammed two more family members and I prayed again.

And again.

More intensely.

Louder.

Desperately.

You may have heard this quote by C.S. Lewis:

God whispers to us in our pleasures. He speaks to us in our conscience, but He shouts to us in our pain. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

God was rousing me.

3 Take-Ways After a Mistake

You and I each have dealt with mistakes of all sorts–physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. Until we see Jesus face to face, more pain will come. Sometimes a drizzle, sometimes a thunder and lightning and darkness.

As I’ve pondered these things and sought God’s counsel, I learned three things from my mistake.

1. God wants to meet with us. In other words, He wants us to talk with him and listen to him, prayerfully. Psalm 10 is great example.

2. God blesses you and me. Ephesians 1:3 underlines the truth that we who love Jesus have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. Every means every. You do not need to get more blessing. You have it all. Now.

3. Whatever happens as a result of a mistake, God knows what He is doing, for his glory and our good. It’s unimportant we understand it all. God does. He is in control. I am not.

What’s the bottom line? I believe God is good and sovereign and all-wise. He remains true when I falter. And so I hope in him. Even when I’ve made a mistake. Even when pain comes.

Question: What have you learned when you’ve made a mistake? If you have a moment, please leave a comment.

Counseling Hearts to Hope!

 

God Met Me at the Strangest Place

God Met Me at the Strangest Place

God met me at the library. How strange! How crazy and wonderful and amazing!

Twenty-three years old, newly married and out of work, I scanned the shelves for redecorating books. I wanted something, anything, to turn my two-bedroom apartment into a home. Someplace cozy for my husband, Laces (our shy beige kitty) and me. God had another idea. A better idea.

Cradling several books, I felt drawn to the 200s yet jittery like a kid on Red Bull.

lucy headshot 2 (2)

Lucy Ann Moll

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here in the religion aisle? This is strange. Has God brought you to a strange place too to get your attention?

Flanked by books, I slid out Basic Christianity by John Stott. Simple, direct, basic like the title said. So basic I felt stupid. I looked left, right. No one near me. Good. I stuck it back and grabbed a fat book. An important book. That’s better. . .and boring. 

Back to Basic Christianity and my spirit quickened. A new problem: What would the check-out clerk think? Seriously, BASIC Christianity. She’ll think I’m stupid. Have you worried about what others think too?

A Holy, Terrifying Moment!

Today, as I look back, I know this moment was holy. God faced the evil one on my behalf. Would I side with God? Or my foolish pride? The serpent appealed to Eve’s ambition to be like God. Would I bow down to pride, fear, self-importance?

You know who won: God. He guided me from the checkout to my apartment, where I devoured the simple book and trusted Jesus to make his home in me. I sensed God’s Spirit in me. A peace and joy I cannot describe replaced my restlessness. When my husband came home, I hugged him big and said, “Guess what I did today, honey?”

Later, I asked to borrow his Bible, a soft cover New Testament that I read over and over and over. God knew I loved books. So he gave me his very best.

Now the Rest of the Story

We each have precious stories of how God wooed us. How did he woo you? Do you remember where you were and what you were doing? Were you in crazy place looking for calm?

As a child I knew emotional pain. Did you have a difficult childhood too?

I leaned toward girls like me. Quiet, shy, invisible girls. Girls with hurts. With secrets. In my early 30s, I tripped into a black hole of depression. God “mothered” me back to life, then whispered a call to my heart, confirmed by scripture. He said, “Bind up the injured” and “strengthen the weak” (Ezekiel 34:16) and led me to study pastoral care to women at Western Seminary, Portland. Later I trained to become a certified biblical counselor through the ABC and then from ACBC.

At last, I knew why God met me at the library. He planned and purposed me to serve him in the role of biblical counselor. As God gave me hope, I counsel hearts to hope. And recenty I’ve been working on my doctorate at Birmingham Theological Seminary. This has opened doors too.

An Offer

Would you like to talk in person or by Skype/Facetime/Hangouts about a solution for your struggle? I’ve counseled people by webcam from California to Cambodia, New York to New Zealand, Houston to Hong Kong, Pennsylvania to Paraguay.You get the idea. I also have offices in greater Chicago where I meet women, couples, and children in person.

Send me a message and we can set up a time to talk by phone, and you can see if biblical counseling is a good fit for you. The best thing about biblical counseling is it’s gospel-centered as well as compassionate. It’s also effective, affordable, and usually very short-term. God loves you so much and wants the best for you.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Don’t Make This Counseling Mistake

Don’t Make This Counseling Mistake

I made a monster counseling mistake . . . as a counselee. My mistake?

Assumptions! I wrongly assumed a Christian counselor would counsel according to the truths of the Bible.

Before continuing, may I say this? There are wise Christian counselors trained as professional state-licensed counselors who counsel hurting people with the gospel of Christ. Perhaps you’ve received help from one of them. Maybe they pointed you to Jesus and to God’s words as the answer to your emotional problems. You are fortunate. That wasn’t my story.

Why I needed counseling: I was an emotional wreck. My thoughts raced, my appetite plummeted, and memories of sexual molestation in childhood by one family member and deep rejection by another bubbled up and I freaked.

My husband witnessed my tears, even my wailing coming from deep deep inside, a hiding place only God knew existed. My anger stuck him too. I tried to act normal near our four-year-old daughter. Now nearing 30, she says she doesn’t remember anything unusual about that tumultuous year. No doubt she picked up my tension and inattentiveness. When stressed I plopped her in front of the TV.

But Barney the Purple Dinosaur is a poor “babysitter” when a kid needs her mom, don’t you agree? 

How the Counseling Mistake Began

Back in the 1990s, I thumbed the Yellow Pages, landed on “mental health” and picked a Christian counselor based on the word “Christian.” When I phoned his office, I failed to ask questions about his counseling approach. The listing said he got his degree from a well-respected Christian college, so he’d steer me to Jesus, right? Wrong.

My counselor, though a Christian, was a proponent of psychodynamic psychotherapy, including transference, a Freudian tool. Transference messed me up big.

Here’s a definition of transference:

In psychiatry, the unconscious tendency of a patient to assign. . .to the therapist of feelings and attitudes associated with a parent or similar person from childhood. The feelings may be affectionate (positive transference), hostile (negative transference), or ambivalent.

My counselor said through transference, I’d experience healing. Instead I became more confused, more anxious, more depressed. He said feeling a lot worse was also part of healing. To crunch this story into a sentence: I had dump this counselor. 

From Counseling Mistake to Real Hope

Desperate for peace and wooed by Christ, I looked to biblical truth for the answers to my emotional pain. Like Elyse Fitzpatrick before me — who shares in Love to Eat, Hate to Eat how she ran to Christ and listened to God’s words to overcome an eating disorder — I also counseled myself with God’s words. God healed me of depression, though anxiety hung on.

A few years after the black cloud lifted, I stumbled on books on true Christian counseling, which I and others call biblical counseling. What a difference!

Biblical counseling weaves together God’s love and truth. It is comprehensive biblical wisdom and compassionate Christlike care. It addresses life’s problem (emotional and mental) with the hope Christ offers.

Here’s how Bob Kellemen describes the hope of biblical counseling in Gospel-Centered Counseling.

  • Biblical counseling helps you and me to develop confidence in how we understand and view the Bible and real life.
  • Biblical counseling helps you and me to develop the competence to use God’s words in solving real life issues.

We All Have Bad Days, Right?

Of course I still have bad days. And I keep making one mistake after another. We all do. My ongoing struggle with anxiety ended about three years ago when I took a very scary (to me!) chance and applied God’s words, no matter my feelings, to my various fears, including a highway driving phobia.

God continues to teach me who I am in Christ — loved, chosen, redeemed, forgiven, and more — and show me who he is: loving, compassionate, good, and holy. These are life-giving, hope-enlarging lessons. You see, I used to picture God as a dark, creepy giant ready to squash me for the tiniest mess-up. This is why I tried to be a good girl while believing lies that God screwed up when he made me.

Do you believe lies too?

Does Satan mess with your mind and convince you to believe his lives?

How My New Hope Became a Ministry

As God comforted me, I now comfort others through the ministry of biblical counseling. For nearly 20 years, I’ve counseled women and families in person and by Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp, using the word of God, and modeling care.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, ESV

Counselees come with every sort of life struggle. Among them are a young mom who experienced panic attacks, a 30-something woman in an difficult marriage, a confused college-age 20 year old who self-injures, a wife who feels rejected by her husband, a woman dealing with addiction, and many more.

Would you like help? I encourage you to reach out to a family member, a friend, or a pastor for help. If you’re interested you could learn more about biblical counseling in person on by Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp.

COUNSELING: Would you like a free consultation by phone to see whether biblical counseling could help you personally? Please contact me and let’s set it up.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Laughter Heals Your Heart!

laughterLaughter heals! In this uplifting post, which appeared first here, Dr Donna Hart, PhD, shares how having fun and laughing are not only good for you but also pleases God. Donna is listed on our Heart2Heart Counselor Directory.

heart

At a family gathering over the holidays, I enjoyed good food, good friends, and. . .laughter. In a conversation with the family matriarch, affectionately called “Memaw” by her grandchildren, she commented about the embroidered decorations on her sweatshirt and the effects of their strategic placement.

We started to laugh about the private joke between us. And we couldn’t stop laughing. The tears streamed down my face as others around us to start to laugh with us. I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard. Something about that laughter gave my heart such joy and companionableness.

Are You Too Serious?

Christians have a long-standing reputation for being serious-minded people who are not prone to humor, laughter, or play. In early church history in America, the Puritans did much to cement this reputation of serious piety. They spent long hours in church and rigorous hours in daily Bible study and prayer. They are also known for their restrictions against music, dancing, and bright colors. Holiness seemed to be likened to judgment, suffering, and severity.

But John Wesley recognized the danger of taking this serious attitude to the extreme when he said: “Sour Godliness is the devil’s religion.” And Martin Luther is quoted in Is There Fun After Paul?: A Theology of Clowning:

If you’re not allowed to laugh in heaven, then I don’t want to go there.

Even though we eagerly bring joy, laughter, and good humor into our family lives, often we hesitate to bring the same qualities into our relationship with God. Are we worried that God does not have a sense of humor? If we want to bring laughter and play into our relationship with God, will we need to expand our view of His attributes to include laughter and fun?

Seeing Comedy in Life

To move in this direction, let’s define what a “sense of humor” means. It is a perspective on life that has the ability to see thlaughtere comic in creation, humanity, and the ability to laugh at ourselves. Human relationships do not survive well without the ability to have a sense of humor.

We are all too familiar with how struggles and communication barriers block our ability to know and be known to each other. When we can step back and see the humor in our predicaments, it softens our hearts to move forward toward each other.

The same principle applies to our relationship with God. If all of our prayers are solemn, serious, and focused only on weighty matters of importance, we will miss opportunities for light and playful prayers.

Tears and laughter are often linked in the Bible. Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time to weep and a time to laugh (3:4). Luke 6:21 offers the promise of laughter when he writes “…Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” It is difficult not to love someone when you are laughing with them. Have you experienced the love that comes from shared laughter?

Laugh Well, Live Better

When we laugh together, we build relationships; we build sympathy for each other, and we become kindred spirits. Good humor and laughter depend on solid trusting relationships. We cannot command laughter nor can we dictate trust.

But we can be willing to seize the funny moments to laugh out loud when least expected, find humor in our own situations. We can share laughter with others and discover love. And we can delight in God and experience God’s unconditional love for us.

If we believe that God will laugh at us if we share our joys and excitements, then we will remain silent for fear of being ridiculed. However, if we can learn the joy of laughter that comes from the love of laughing with someone finding humor in human experiences, we will then learn to laugh with God.

Help for Your Laughter

If you have been hurt by laughter in the past, and this prevents you from laughing now, write a prayer to God about your specific need. As you write your prayer, detail the hurt you have experienced and how the memories still hurt. Be willing to ask God for what you need to heal these hurts. (You might want to try this journal.–Ed.)

Also think about the places in life where you would love to receive the gift of laughter. Pour out your heart and longings to God, for He will not scorn, mock, or belittle you. You can rest in confidence God will not laugh at you.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

 

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