Growing Gospel-Centered Friendships

Growing Gospel-Centered Friendships

Do you desire gospel-centered friendships? If you’re a Christian, you probably want good friends who love the Lord like you do. Friendship is a gift.

Biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy, featured on my Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, shares her stories of friendships. Her article appeared first here on The Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permission. (Edited for length.–LAM)

“Taking a break from our friendship.” That was the title in the subject line of an email I received from a dear friend. My jaw dropped and my heart sank. It felt weird—like a boyfriend breaking up with me in grade school.

First, she stated how much she appreciated our friendship; then proceeded to explain why she needed to take a break. She expressed her understanding of how busy I was with my daughter, work, etc., but felt that I had been “rude” and “flaky” about planning to spend time together and then cancelling due to other conflicts.

Although I was offended, she was right. At the end of the email, she left open the possibility to continue our friendship “at another time or season in life that is maybe less busy.”

It was clear what she needed from me; however, life got busier and I wasn’t able to give to her what she was asking. I received that email a year ago and my heart still aches over it.

God Made Us for Friendships

Friendships play an important role in our lives. From early childhood, children naturally gravitate toward forming bonds with other children. This tendency continues into the teens years and adulthood.

God created us as relational beings. He put the desire for friendship in our hearts. Just as God instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve, He instituted friendship.

However, just as Adam and Eve marred God’s purpose for marriage, the Fall marred God’s purpose for friendship.

A Friend of God

Webster defines friendship as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. God’s illustration of friendship goes a lot deeper.

He demonstrated a depth of intimacy when He spoke to Moses “face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend” (Exodus 33:11). God expressed such grace and kindness to Moses on a deeper level than a master to a servant. He entrusted Moses with a greater revelation of Himself. Imagine having a relationship with God like that!

Yet the fact is we do have that kind of friendship with God through Jesus Christ:

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you (John 15:15).

Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection has given believers extraordinary access to the heart of God making us His friend for whom Christ laid down His life (John 15:13). Everything we have in Him, He wants us to give to others.

God gives the gift of friendship.

This type of friendship is gospel-centered. Our relationship with Jesus Christ is the bedrock on which gospel-centered friendships are based. The gospel is the power of God that transforms our earthly friendships. It frees us to be the kind of friend people need.

Characteristics of Gospel-Centered Friendships

Christ-centered

Gospel-centered friendships are centered on Christ. They are chosen by God. Here’s a story of a Christ-centered friendship.

1. A story of meeting — and missing.

Jan was a new employee. When I first saw her, I was immediately drawn to her. I knew I had to meet her.

A few weeks later, I approached her to introduce myself. Right away we became instant friends. To my delight, she was a Christian.

We both had great love and affection for Jesus Christ. We also encouraged each other in Christ, enjoyed discussing Scripture, and spoke from a Christian worldview. Our friendship grew based on that common ground.

And so we became kindred spirits and prayer partners. We took our workplace frustrations and walked the parking lot in prayer. We also experienced God’s great power in answer to our prayers.

Everyone at work knew we had a special friendship so that when she announced that she was moving, my coworkers approached me with sympathy. Now we only communicate occasionally. God had a purpose for our friendship for a season.

Although we don’t talk everyday like we used to, she is my gospel-centered friend for eternity.

Redemptive

Gospel-centered friendships are redemptive. Here’s a story of restoration after betrayal.

2. A story of betrayal and healing.

Linda and Nancy had a friendship that was thirty-years deep—until Nancy’s betrayal.

Linda was unable to attend the women’s Bible study for several weeks due to personal painful circumstances. Then she found out that Nancy told several women in the Bible study about her situation. So she dropped out of the Bible study and avoided Nancy at church.

They didn’t speak for two years. Linda heard from a mutual friend that Nancy was battling cancer. Linda’s heart was broken for her friend. God used Ephesians 4:32 to convict Linda’s heart—

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Linda laid aside her resentment and chose to forgive Nancy. God restored their friendship.

Sacrificial

Gospel-centered friendships are sacrificial. They are an investment of the heart. Here’s a story of sacrificial friendship.

3. A story of friendship during a difficult divorce.

After my husband left our marriage, I went through a three-year depression. Somewhere in the midst of that depression, I was talking to my dear friend on the phone who lived an hour away. I can still picture it.

There I was sitting on my bedroom floor sifting through a pile of bills and paperwork. I have no idea what I said or sounded like, but my friend told me that she was driving down to take my little daughter to the mall so that I can have some time to myself. (I think she felt sorry for my daughter being cooped up with a sad mommy!)

God used that time alone with me to get my attention. Through many tears and wrestling with God, a decision was made in my heart to release the pain and embrace Him.

I began to come out of my depression. Thanks to my friend’s sacrificial love and investment in our friendship, I was able to connect with God again. Indeed, she is truly a friend that loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17).

Join the Conversation

So what type of friendships are you cultivating? Do you drive your friends to God or to yourself? How has this blog topic changed your view of friendships?

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Reaching a Child’s Heart for Christ

heartReaching a child’s heart for Christ is something every Christian mom and grandma desires, right? This honest post by guest writer Barbara Reaoch appeared first here and is used by permission.

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When I was asked to lead the Children’s Division at Bible Study Fellowship, I knew it was a great privilege. But how naïve and prideful I was to think my experience qualified me for the job. Teaching the Bible to women was good preparation, for sure, but I was unaware of the pitfalls in teaching the Bible to children.

Sadly, I was not clear about the difference between moralistic behaviorism and gospel-centered application. It seemed easy to say, “Stop sinning and start obeying.” Discipline issues were equally simplistic: “Stop acting like that and start behaving.” Kids need to learn obedience, right? And we need kids to obey for our own sanity. I was inclined to twist the beauty of the gospel of grace into a subtle deception called moralism. I needed to learn three things:

1. Moralism cannot reach a child’s heart.

It’s not hard to use Bible characters to teach a moral lesson. With the Bible character as the subject of the lesson, we can teach kids that they need to be righteous like Noah, faithful like Moses, and obedient like Abraham. Kids figure that if they live like these heroes of the faith they will earn God’s love.

But when we try to make kids into good rule-keepers, they decide one of two things. Either with pride in their hearts, they believe they have earned God’s favor. Or they see they will never be able to keep the rules and conclude there’s no use trying.

Truth: Moralism can only produce pride and fear in the heart of a child.

Moralism ends up making children think their relationship with God depends on them. If they are good enough, they win. If they blow it, they lose. Moralistic teaching breaks down when we read that Noah gets drunk, Moses gets angry, and Abraham lies. We may try to hide the fact that each of these guys struggled with sin, but the Bible doesn’t. God never says that good behavior is a prerequisite for His love.

2. Manipulation cannot reach a child’s heart.

If we simply want kids to obey, manipulation usually works. Kids respond to, “I can’t believe you would do that after what we just learned about Jesus.”

Or “You should be ashamed of the way you are acting.”

Or “Look at those people—you know the ones who ________ (insert the sin of your choice).” As if to say, “You better never be like them.”

Even worse, we use God to manipulate. “God is not pleased with you when you do that.” “It makes Jesus sad when you act like that.” “If you want God to be pleased with you, you will read the Bible, go to church, and obey your parents.”

We can easily manipulate kids because God has wired them to want to please us. Their behavior may change temporarily, but we are damaging their hearts. The only lasting and effective life changes happen from the inside.

Truth: Manipulation can only produce guilt, shame, or anger in a child’s heart.

No matter how hard kids work to keep clean on the surface, as they see their sin, they will think God can’t possibly love them. We twist the gospel when we imply that God’s favor depends on their behavior. Life changes are real when they come from the heart.

3. We reach a child’s heart for Christ through the gospel.

The gospel is the most important truth for us to teach a child. Paul emphasizes this in 1 Corinthians 15:3–4:

For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures.

Gospel-centered teaching says our behavior can never be good enough to make us right with God. Before we deserve it, God reaches out to us in grace and mercy. He forgives those who turn from sin and trust in Jesus. We receive His mercy instead of punishment for sin because God’s justice was met through the death of His dearly loved Son on the cross.

Jesus lived FOR us. Jesus died FOR us. And Jesus was raised FOR us.

Jesus’ resurrection power gives us a new heart, a new mind, and new desires to live for God.

Gospel-centered teaching says God uses people who are weak and broken. Bible characters are imperfect. God did not choose Noah, Moses, and Abraham because of their character but because of His grace. God knows who we are. His love for us doesn’t change when we fail. His plan and His promises prevail in spite of our imperfections.

Truth: God reaches a child’s heart with the truth of the gospel.

Moralism and manipulation harden a child’s heart. But the gospel is God’s message of love and grace that transforms the heart of a child. Gospel-centered teaching wasn’t just for the Bible Study Fellowship children’s program. Something happened in my own heart as I became more amazed with the truth of God’s love and grace.

Joy and freedom are found in the discovery that God uses our weakness for His glory. He uses our brokenness to reveal His grace. This is a message of hope, not only for our children but for us all. As messed up as your life may be, there is hope. The gospel tells us this is true. To teach the truth of the gospel is to reach a child’s heart for Christ.

Counseling Hope to Your Heart,

Proclaiming Jesus at My Black Belt Test

black beltAt my black belt Karate test, the strange thing happened. Near the end, after breaking four wood boards — elbow strike, front kick, palm strike, and hammer kick — I proclaimed Christ.

As it turns out, the black test test was a faith test!

In this short article, you’ll learn–

  1. A key passage of encouragement to share your faith.
  2. 3 simple steps to proclaiming Christ wherever God leads you.

Have you, too, proclaimed your faith in an unlikely place? Perhaps at your children’s secular school? Or among friends at a coffee shop? Or while waiting in line at Starbucks?

Key Passage of Encouragment

Scripure commands you and me to be prepared to give a reason for our hope

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15

I never expected to share my faith at my black belt test. I had gotten into karate for two reasons: to learn self-defense and to do an activity with my then 10-year-old daughter. We both earned orange belts. But she quit. And I kept kicking, blocking, punching, and flipping by little heart out.

Empowered to Speak!

Seven years and many colored belts later, as the black belt neared its end, the ten or so testers peppered us students with questions. And I remembered the passage: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for your hope.”

So when I heard the questions, they seemed to come from an evangelism playbook. And God encouraged me to share the reason for my hope.

The black-belted Kungfu Panda lookalike queried,  “Lucy, How have you incorporated the philosophy of ying and yang in your karate?”

I hesitated,

breathed deep,

and spoke my heart.

“This is a difficult question,” I began. “I know how to answer the question the right away — yin and yang means balance, and all that — but I don’t believe it.

“So I’ll tell you what I do believe.

“I asked my orginal sensei if I could use nail polish to paint over the ying-yang symbol on the school patch. He said, ‘Yes.’ So I painted it yellow then drew the Cross on the circle. My strength comes from Christ.”

Indeed, God’s word empowered me to speak his truth!

3 Simple Steps for Sharing Your Faith

Let’s consider 1 Peter 3:First, look back at the scripture from 1 Peter 3:15. This scripture reveals the three simple steps.

First, revere Christ as Lord.

Simple and profound, put Jesus first in everything you say and do. Read the bible regularly. Spend time with other believers at church and in community groups. Pray. Worship him. Sing hymns.

Second, be prepared.

Listen to God speaking through the bible and through the Holy Spirit so that when you get a chance to share your faith in word and deed, you are ready. Determine now that you’ll have an answer for your hope. People will notice your smile, your willingness to help. May I encourage you to jot down a short testimony?

Follow these prompts. I put my answers in parenthesis. Feel free to make your answers more complete, if you’d like. I’m showing you a bare-bones approach.

Before I became a Christian, I used to (be self-righteous). I was (miserable).

Then I learned who Jesus is and now believe in him.

Now I (have faith in him alone). I am (content in Christ).

Third, do this with gentleness and respect.

No one likes a lecture or to be treated “less than.” So when you share the reason for your hope, take care to share your story winsomely. Your tone makes an amazing difference.

Proclaiming Christ as God Leads

As I reflect on my black belt test, I believe it really had nothing to do with becoming a black belt afterall. Maybe just maybe the true test was this: Would I proclaim Christ in front of 100 people?

What do you think?

Please take a moment to leave a comment or to share this post online. Sharing is caring.

Sharing hope with your heart, 

 

ABUSE: Can An Abuser Change? (part 4)

ABUSE: Can An Abuser Change? (part 4)

ABUSE and the abuser: Can an abuser change? Keep reading to find out if an abuser stop his abuse. And if so, how? In part 4 of this four-part series on abuse, biblical counselor Jim Newheiser evaluates common statements made about abuse. His article appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission. Read part 1, part 2, and part 3.

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ASSERTION: There is nothing you can do to change an abuser.

Are Some Men So Stubborn to Ever Change?

A valid concern: This statement is making the point that there are some men who are so stubbornly sinful that no matter how nice you are to them, they will continue their angry abuse.

It is made to refute the false counsel some women have been given that if they simply could learn to be kinder and quieter, then their violent husbands would stop hurting them. However, Scripture does describe some men as violent, hard-hearted, and refusing to receive correction (Prov. 16:29; 29:1,22).

A man of wrath stirs up strife,
    and one given to anger causes much transgression. Proverbs 29:22

The Bible Gives Hope to All, Even to an Abuser

The harm that can be caused: On the other hand some so-called experts have asserted that there is nothing a victim can do by changing her behavior to change the abuser and his behavior.

While I agree that in many cases it is true that changed behavior will have no effect on a wicked, hardened man, the Bible explicitly gives hope that the Lord can use the godly behavior of a victim to soften the heart of a sinful spouse. First Peter 3:1-2 says a disobedient or unsaved husband might be won by his wife’s treating him better than he deserves. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a gentle answer may turn away wrath.

I know that these verses have been misused to wrongly send women back into dangerous situations. But it is also true that God can use the Christ-like behavior of a wife to reach an angry husband. Again, a distinction needs to be made based upon the degree of sinful anger (and the resultant danger), rather than quickly saying that a situation is hopeless and that the woman ought to give up and move on.

If there is any doubt as to whether a woman is in danger, I would encourage church leaders to err on the side of safety by helping her get away (hopefully temporarily). Then work with the husband to gauge true repentance before trying to restore the marriage and bring the couple back together again.

All Sinners Can Be Forgiven

It would be better to say: The gospel gives hope that sinners can be forgiven and transformed. Also, those in whose lives God has worked will show signs of true repentance (including patience).

Saul, the murderous persecutor, was transformed into the great apostle of grace. First Corinthians 6:9-11 tells how sinners of every kind have been cleansed and changed by the power of the gospel.

We believe that abusers who had been characterized by the wicked deeds of the flesh can become servants who bear the fruit of the Spirit. Abusers are often masters of manipulation (i.e., worldly sorrow). A truly repentant man will hate his sin more than its consequences; he will be more concerned about the rights and safety of others than about his own rights, and he will be patient as those whom he has previously hurt learn to trust him (see 2 Cor. 7:9-11).

(Friend, are you in a controlling, destructive, or difficult marriage? Why not get the help you need? Learn more about confidential, compassionate, effective biblical counseling by Skype or in person.

Contact me today.–Lucy)

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

Dynamic Heart in Daily Life: Book Review

dynamic heartThe Dynamic Heart in Daily Life: Connecting Christ to Human Experience is a treasured tool I very highly recommend and use regularly in counseling. if you’re a counselor, you’ll appreciate this tool to help women and families. If you’re not a counselor, but want to understand why you feel, and say, and do, the way you do, then this book is for you too.

READ A CHAPTER –> Wouldn’t you like to read a chapter? Here’s a link to chapter one.

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In this brief article, you’ll learn from Jeremy Pierre’s book:

  1. What makes your heart tick
  2. How the heart is corrupted and redeemed
  3. A plan to counsel the heart

What Makes Your Dynamic Heart Tick?

Your heart responds cognitively, affectively, and volitionally to the life’s circumstances. It is multidimentional, it is dynamic. Most important, faith in Christ is the means by which your heart can respond to life differently, better.

Heart change leads to lasting life change

Did you know each person’s heart is both simple and complex? The heart has automatic responses to situations. But underlying these seemingly auto-responses are deep beliefs, desires, and commitments of which people are generally unaware.

However, people can become aware and should. While psychotherapy on the whole divides awareness into conscious and subconscious, Scripture has a multifaceted view.

The Dynamic Heart, Corrupted

The corruption of the heart began at the Fall (Genesis 3) and infects all of the dynamic heart: cognition, affection, and volition. It shows up as idolatry.

 Idolatry is a whole-hearted inclination that fails to believe God is God and worship him alone.

An alcoholic, then, is not worshipping a bottle but something deeper and more complex—a way to get something good apart from God. As this becomes habitual, the person loses sight what the idol is doing to him and he takes on the deadness of the idol to his detriment. God interrupts, he gives a Cross-shaped message of hope.

The Dynamic Heart, Redeemed 

Jesus redeems the dynamic heart so it can do what God intends: worship him in thought, desire, and choice. God made the heart to imitate his own. Did you know you are an image-bearer?

While God is unlike people in many ways (e.g., he is omniscient), he is like people in some ways. For instance, he reasons and has emotion. As believers respond whole-heartedly to God and without reservation in reflective prayer and careful study of Scripture, they become more like Jesus.

Counseling the Dynamic Heart

A plan for counseling the dynamic heart requires four tasks. They are:

READ: Hearing people’s hearts

Llistening is crucial to understanding a hurting person and her problem in its context. Hearing the heart includes paying attention to what the counselee is saying (and not saying).

REFLECT: Helping people understand their responses

Self-awareness helps a hurting her connect her intuitive (or, automatic) responses to their belief system. Then she can challenge her automatic heart responses and begin to change.

RELATE: Looking to Jesus

With greater self-awareness of one’s responses, she sees that the help she needs comes from Jesus. Just as a believer trusts Jesus for her salvation from sin, she also learns to trust him for helping her make new heart responses.

RENEW: Calling for new responses from faith

Commitment to change is key. This requires an active faith since “heart change occurs as it is lived out, shaping and reinforcing new values and commitments,” Pierre writes.

Resources for You!

COUNSELING:counseling Struggling? I offer biblical counseling by Skype and in person (greater Chicago). Learn more.

FIT FOR LIFE eBook: A comprehensive weight-loss and life change plan. Check it out. Click here for information.

ARE YOU A COUNSELOR? Join Heart2Heart Counselor Directory! Get details now..

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

 

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