Internet Porn: keeping your kids safe

Internet Porn: keeping your kids safe

Internet Porn: What You Need to Know to Keep Your Kids Safe

Hi friends, this is another PG-rated post on keeping your kids safe online. I cannot tell you the number of moms of all ages who’ve contacted me on keeping kids safe from internet porn. In fact, it’s as close as your kids’ cell phone. But you know this already, right?

You can read my post on cyberbullies on the Internet and on gaming consoles here. It tells the sad mad story of a cyberbully threatening to rape my teen son in my own home.

FACT: 93% of boys–and 62% of girls–have been exposed to Internet pornography before the age of 18. This means only 3% of boys and 17% of girls have never seen Internet porn. This statistic and some other material in this post comes from CovenantEyes.com

Even if you’ve put in place precautions to keep your kids safe, it isn’t enough to block all exposure to internet pornography. As you probably know, children and teens who’ve had frequent exposures to sexually explicit photos and videos are more likely to:

~ have multiple sexual partners.

~ develop an addictive habit of watching porn.

~ mimic behaviors seen in porn.

This Ain’t 1970 Pin-Up Girls!

Do you remember the famous swimsuit poster of Farrah Fawcett, dressed in a red one piece? Too sexy, right?

This picture is tame compared to the hundreds of millions of hard-core photos available online at the click of a button. CovenantEyes.com reports that scientists theorize that early exposure to Internet porn may interfere with healthy sexual development while a child’s brain is developing through the teen years.

Certainly, God who created us knows what’s best for us. Listen to what Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27,28)

and what Paul exhorted:

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:13-14)

What You Can Do

Safeguard your computer and mobile devices by using parental controls and with software that blocks porn sites. Remember, keep in mind that your child may still see porn on others’ computers, smart phones, and tablets.

Also, know that the multi-billion-dollar porn industry uses tactics to seduce otherwise unsuspecting teens. Innocent word searches can bring up pornographic sites with banner ads that show “teaser” images. So armed with this knowledge you can talk lovingly and intelligently to you child about what to do when such sites pop up:

First, teach your kids to not click links.

Second, set an atmosphere where your children  know that they can come to you and talk about sensitive subjects without fear.

Third, consider using a well-respected Internet accountability service like Covenant Eyes. Such services monitors Internet use and proves accountability reports to parents.

You Can Keep Your Kids Safe

You can keep your kids safe from Internet porn. Yes, porn images are everywhere on the Internet, and television too. It takes some work on your part to set up parental controls and to have difficult and uncomfortable conversations with your children, from 8 to 18.

But you can do it. And you can trust God to help them make wise choices and to repent when they make mistakes. You do NOT want them to become a statistic, like one of these:

13 percent of Web searches are for porn material.

About 55 percent of divorce cases involve either the husband or wife obsessively using porn websites.

Eight out of 10 unwanted exposures to Internet porn happens in the home.

Question: What are some ways you keep your children safe?

 

Dealing with the NEW four-letter word: FEAR

Dealing with the NEW four-letter word: FEAR

FEAR. It’s the new four-letter word. It began long, long before 9/11, school shootings, and the controversy over our current president. Flip through the first pages of the Bible, and see its ugliness from the Fall to today.

In this brief article, you’ll discover:

  1. Fear often has its start in childhood.
  2. There’s a biblical solution to fear.

Fear usually begins early.

When fear begins early, it often takes on one of two main forms. For women: fear of rejection and abandonment creeps  For men: the fear of failure.

worthless

For me, my fear of rejection goes back to my childhood. My mom was often sad and chain-smoked. And my dad was present physically but absent emotionally. And so, like many of my counselees, seeds of difficulty began sprouting early. We biblical counselors call these “sharing influences.” Yes, these shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions. However, they do not determine them.

My dad didn’t do anything horrible to me. He just didn’t notice me, really. And he never smiled. But I hoped to make him happy. In fact, I longed for his acceptance.

What about you? What triggered your fear of abandonment?

When we try to control fear, it’s likely we’ll feel discouraged.

We each have ways of handling fear, right? But our solutions usually backfire.

My well-meant but messed-up solution: control. I attepted to control my to try to control him by being the perfect little girl who never got in trouble and brought home excellent report cards and who did everything right.

I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

And I felt sad.

Only much later did I learn he suffer manic-depression. Still, my fear of abandonment lingered.

God provides a better way.

God wants you to experience success, according to His definition. That is, he wants you to become more like Christ. God has planned that those who love Him “be conformed to the likeness of His Son” (Romans 8:29). Since Jesus is in us, and we in Him, we have confidence that no matter what happens–a home foreclosure, a child’s bad report card, illness, even the death of a loved one–He is with us and helps us.

Please know that everyone struggles with fear. You are not alone. Learning to defeat fear requires a shift in focus. So rather than focus on self, love God and love people more than their approval.

So now what?

  1. Recognize God is sovereign over your fears. He knows your struggle and helps you. So look to Him.  Jesus lovingly commands, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry. . .” (Matthew 6:33-34a).
  2. Choose to love people more than their approval. The apostle Paul wrote, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

Please remember that becoming more like Christ is a life-long process. Keep taking  one step then another.

AN OFFER: I meet with women nearly every day by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom and help them find godly solutions to the problems they face. If you’d like a complimentary phone consult to see if biblical counseling is a good fit for you, simply contact me. NO spam, promise. 

 

Rewrite the Ending to an Anxious Life

Rewrite the Ending to an Anxious Life

Does your anxious life need a rewrite?

No one’s life turns out according to plan. Not yours. Not mine. Would you rewrite parts of your anxiety-dotted story? Whatever our past, God can use it all. 

Here’s a short introduction of why I embrace biblical counseling wholeheartedly and how it can help you make sense of your story too. Later this week, you’ll learn of my new book I wrote: HELP! I Get Panic Attacks. You can pre-order it here on Amazon.

Wonderfully, the all-knowing Author composed every detail of our lives, putting us right where he wanted us, giving grace to face whatever came our way. So here I am, a grandma and a doctoral student, meeting hurting women all over the world through the technology of video-conferencing. I am shepherding their anxious hearts with compassion and the timeless truth of Scripture.

Shepherding women’s hearts sounds like a happy chapter in a full life, right? It is. But it comes by way of pain, as do many good things: a difficult childhood, panic attacks in my twenties and thirties, and finally a calling to counsel with care.

Childhood, Interrupted

Climbing trees, doing cartwheels, and going to school—these activities filled my days. My older brother and I got along all right, but my mom seemed preoccupied much of the time, chain smoking and watching “Day of Our Lives” and game shows. My dad rarely smiled. This saddened me.

Things got scary on “the night of the twisted chairs.” There was yelling and crying in the living room and when I went to check, my mom and brother shooed me to my bedroom. My dad had gone berserk, tossing and bending chairs.

The next day my parents’ psychiatrist met them at the hospital, and my dad eventually received the diagnosis of manic depression, which is the old term for bipolar 1. I remember thinking, “I’m the daughter of a psychotic.” Melodramatic? Yes! I was 14 and confused and hurting.

I learned I was vulnerable and had little control. But I eventually understood that God knows what he is doing even when I don’t.

God Shows Up

High school and college swooshed by. I switched my major from psychology to journalism, met my future husband, graduated, and married. One day I went to the library for books on decorating but came home with a thin volume called Basic Christianity by John Stott. I read it in a few hours.

Convicted that I was a hopeless sinner, I confessed my need of the Savior and received Jesus by faith alone. This is not what you’d expect of a good Catholic girl, is it? God had better plans. That God would have mercy on me rocked my world. He changed my life from the inside.

A few years later, my world turned upside down again. Out of nowhere, it seemed, panic attacked me and my heart beat triple-time, sweat beaded my forehead, and my knees felt wobbly like Jell-O. Long story short, my faith in Jesus and help from my doctor pointed me in the right direction. Retraining my thoughts by the Word, and lots of practice, provided what I needed to overcome panic attacks. (I share my story and solutions to panic in my mini-book Help! I Get Panic Attacks, now available to order.)

Through this trial, I learned God is with me, especially in terrifying panic, and changing me into the likeness of Christ.

A Call, Answered

Three children later, I was back in school studying pastoral care to women online through Western Seminary in Portland, OR, answering a call to shepherd the hearts of hurting Christian women. My hope: to reach the women at church and in the community, who don’t get involved in women’s Bibles studies, teas, and retreats … because they are hurting.

Later I discovered a book by Jay Adams, the founder of the modern biblical counseling movement, and got biblical counseling training too. Five years ago, I joined Biblical Counseling Center’s staff, continuing to shepherd hurting women and families in person and online.

And forever a student, crazy me is on schedule to receive my doctorate in biblical counseling in May from Birmingham Theological Seminary. I tease my husband that soon he’ll have to call me Doctor Lucy. He thinks that’s funny.

I and many biblical counselors anchor our ministries on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

This post appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Center, where she’s been a staff counselor for over five years, first in the Chicago area and now in Alabama, providing convenient and competent care online by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom. It has been edited for space. –Ed.

 

3 Biblical Answers to Everyday Stress Anxiety

3 Biblical Answers to Everyday Stress Anxiety

Have you ever had a time when everyday stress overwhelmed you? Everyday stress is an emotional or mental strain that can happen to anyone but isn’t life altering like witnessing a mass shooting or receiving a cancer diagnosis. As I share my own everyday stress story, let’s remember the comforting truth that God promises to stick with us.

God’s your safe place. Always.

That said, we also need biblical solutions for handling the anxiety that comes with everyday stress. I’m sharing three of my best stress smashers. With the help of God’s word, we all can regain the peace the soul desperately desires … even when our circumstances do not change.

This everyday stress was a surprise

Mine began as many bad things do — with no warning. A while back, I skipped several days of exercise. Feeling guilty for eating too many cookies and skipping workouts, I decided to exercise for ten minutes in my living room.

First I stretched. Then I did sit-ups. But …

rather than doing my usual crunches — which, in retrospect, I SHOULD HAVE DONE — I tucked my feet under the couch, laid on back, and rolled all the up to sitting and back down. On sit-up numero ocho, something in my back didn’t feel right. Nonetheless, I pressed on and completed two more full sit-ups, far short of my goal. I rubbed my back and called it a day — and didn’t think much of my situps

 until the next morning

when I awoke to an intense clenching in my lower back muscles  and numbness in my legs. I elbowed my snoozing husband.

Steve, something’s wrong. I need your help. Steve, wake up. I need you.

He heard fear in my voice, listened to my story of super-tight back muscles, and got me a pain reliever. He assured me, “You should be better in a few days. Just rest. We’ll take care of the house stuff. Don’t worry.”

Then it got worse

My family cooked, laundered, and swept while I was laid up and my kitty curled next to me. I began to feel a bit better, but then I learned that a close family member needed daily injections. Nothing life threatening, but important and another thing to deal with

while my back continued to spasm and the numbness in my legs lingered.

I remember thinking and praying, “God, the doctor said I should be better in four to eight weeks. I’m not. Walking and standing hurts, and my legs and feet feel bubble-wrapped, and now a family member is hurting. Help us.”

And worse

Things seems to happen in threes, right? Another family member received bad health new. So I prayed again.

And again. More intensely. Desperately. I remembered this quote:

God whispers to us in our pleasures. He speaks to us in our conscience, but He shouts to us in our pain. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. –C.S. Lewis

God had my attention. Soon, fear accompanied the pain. And my thoughts turned inward and became increasingly negative.

Will the doctors have a treatment that works?

Has God forgotten me? Is He punishing me? Does He care?

It turned out that my back got better after physical therapy. I continue to do the exercises to this day. As God providentially worked in my circumstance to bring healing, I learned at least three strategies to smash everyday stress.

3 Strategies for Handling Everyday Stress

We face everyday stresses of all sorts every day: unexpected bills, car problems, an argument with a loved one, traffic. Our reactions to these stresses reveal what’s in our heart (or, our true inner person). For instance, when stressed, we may become angry and lash out, or anxious and worry, or sad and mope. Scripture says,

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it (1 Cor. 10:13).

Here are three ways to handle stress anxiety by learning to trust God.

1. Agree with God

Agree with God that he cares about you, is with you, and is more concerned with conforming you to the image of his Son, Jesus, than making your everyday stress vanish like the wind. We live in a fallen world with all sorts of troubles.

REFLECT: What troubles are you facing now? Will you agree with God that He has a purpose for your problems?

2. Accept Your Situation (and improve it, if you can)

Give thanks to God in all circumstances; for this is the will of Christ Jesus for you.

What this verse is saying is the proper response to everyday stress is thanksgiving because we recognize that He is supremely in control of whatever comes your way for your good and his glory. We accept our situation as God’s good plan, thanking Him for how he is using it to transform us. Yet, if we can improve our circumstance, we often should.

Didn’t David kill Goliath when the giant taunted the Israelites? The men who spied out Jericho found a place to hide at Rahab’s home, right? And Jesus often slipped through the crowds who wanted to detain him. I sought help from a doctor, physical therapists, and medication.

ACTION: An excellent way to give thanks in all circumstances is keeping a list of reason to give thanks to God and adding to it daily.

3. Affirm the Truth

As your mind and your thinking are renewed by the Word of God, you gain a godly perspective of your everyday stress anxiety and are able to discern God’s will. Read Romans 12:2 carefully. Take time to meditate (or think carefully) about each phrase. Commit it to memory. Then consider what passages such as Psalm 23 and Romans 8:28-39 say about God. Ask yourself, What do these verses  reveal about the character of God and His heart toward his children?

THINK: In light of God’s character and His loving-kindness toward us, how might we regain the peace that the soul desperately desires when we face everyday stresses?

Are you in the midst of S-T-R-E-S-S now? Need help?

As a biblical counselor certified by ACBC who has counseled women and families worldwide by Skype, FaceTime, and Zoom, I invite you to look over my articles and to contact me with your questions.

 

 

Dementia: Hope for the Caregiver

Dementia: Hope for the Caregiver

My in-laws are in their 80s and slowing down, but don’t have dementia. Maybe they’ll develop this memory cognitive disorder. Maybe they won’t. 

But I have had the opportunity of counseling folks whose loved ones have these life-stealing, memory-dimming cognitive disorder. And the church needs to be ready. Yesterday. My article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission.

How is your church helping the caregivers of dementia sufferers?

When you hear the word dementia, what first pops into your mind? Old age? Alzheimer’s? Nursing homes? The high cost of care? No one likes to talk about dementia. Nobody wants to have dementia. Still, biblical counselors need to know about it because chances are they will counsel a person with dementia or, more likely, family members who provide care.

In brief, dementia is a cognitive disorder. The affected person’s thinking ability gradually deteriorates. It interferes with judgment and memory and also can create confusion, fear, and irritation.

There are several types of dementia. The best known is Alzheimer’s, which was experienced by former president Ronald Reagan.

Dementia Statistics

In 1900, people aged 65 or older made up 4 percent of the U.S. population. In 1980, this number nearly tripled to11 percent of the population. Do you know the estimate for the year 2030? 22 percent – almost a quarter of the population![1] And the “geriatric” slice of pie keeps growing.

Obviously, not every person aged 65 and older develops dementia (like my parents and in-laws). In fact, researchers found that just over 1 percent of those from 65 to 74 have this cognitive disorder. The percentage jumps to nearly 4 percent for ages 75 to 84 and rises to about 10 percent of folks over 85.

However, some researchers estimate that dementia of the Alzheimer’s type may affect nearly half of those at the older end of this spectrum.

Secular Understanding of Dementia

The secular term for dementia in the DSM-5 is “neurocognitive disorder” that progressively worsens. It is specified by severity. A person with a “mild” case needs help with some activities of daily living, such as housework. A person with a “moderate” case needs help with basics like dressing and eating. And a person with a “severe” case is fully dependent on others for almost everything.

Consider Hank. At age 66, he took a job as a greeter at a big box store. He was a retired accountant and a smart guy. When he started as a greeter, he memorized the locations of many of the items in the store so he could direct customers. But nearly a year into the job, his memory noticeably slipped. His solution? To write information in a small notebook to help him remember things. But then he began forgetting to shave and to get to work on time.

His daughter brought him to a doctor for an evaluation of his cognitive ability. Using the Medical Model, the doctor ordered tests including a blood workup and an MRI, and they ruled out illnesses and conditions other than what his daughter feared most: major neurocognitive disorder due to possible Alzheimer’s disease.

In the Medical Model, a doctor might prescribe an antidepressant for his mild depression and recommend ongoing care in a nursing home.

A Biblical Approach for Dementia

Like the secular Medical Model, the biblical approach has a standard definition of dementia: decreased mental capabilities such as memory loss, inability to think abstractly, impaired decision-making, and the inability to communicate normally. The biblical approach values the contributions of physicians and considers dementia a medical condition that should be managed by a physician.[2]

In addition, the biblical approach recognizes that people with dementia and their loved ones need counseling based on biblical truth. A biblical counselor is advised to take a personal interest in a counselee with dementia and visit frequently, be sensitive to spiritual needs, and encourage him or her from Scripture.

Many Christian families may choose to care for their loved one at home rather than send them to a nursing home, if possible. We see an application of this in 1 Timothy 2:3-16, a passage that focuses on the treatment of widows. The apostle Paul says that widows first need to provide for themselves or remarry. If this isn’t possible, then the family is to help.

Finally, if the family is unable to help, then the church would provide for her needs including proper housing, clothing, and food.

“Thank You”

In his book The Art of Aging, Dr. Howard Eyrich shares an account of how their family cared for his father in their home.[3] Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, he developed a negative attitude and everything needed to be done for him – dressing, eating, and eventually toileting. Much of this care was done by his daughter-in-law, who was “on call” nearly all day every day except for those times they arranged for someone to come in.

Eyrich fondly remembers an encouraging incident before his father’s death. His father told him, “Kid, I’d be in an awful fix if it weren’t for you. Thank you.” Then a blank stare returned to his eyes.

Tending Caregivers

The wise biblical counselor also pays attention to the caregiver(s), helping them choose to believe the Word of God and apply it to their lives, no matter how they feel in the trial of dementia. Part of this includes planning, preparation, and team meetings among the family members who are providing care. Where will the loved one with dementia live? Does someone need to quit employment to provide care? And so on.

Also, a biblical counselor would demonstrate love to the family by helping to ensure that the family’s church provides emotional support and also meets physical needs. One physical need that a family will have is time to take a break. Another need might be meals delivered to the home. Still, another is for someone to fill in for the caregiver so that he or she may attend church.

The caregiver(s) too need personal biblical counseling as they consider their own heart and responses to the trial of dementia. Emotions like anger, fear, and sadness are common. It’s important that the church’s response is organized and methodical. Otherwise, the family may be forgotten and neglected.

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

One last note: The biblical approach recognizes that just because a family is willing to care for a loved one with dementia, this doesn’t mean the family should. As a biblical counselor helps family members work through these crucial questions, they may choose a suitable alternative. These might include adult daycare, hiring in-home care, or even a nursing home – all of which are costly.

Caring for a loved one with dementia doesn’t have to be a negative experience, although there will be negative experiences along the way. The Lord will enhance growth in Christlikeness as His children glorify God in thought and deed.

Questions for Reflection

Have you counseled caregivers of those experiencing dementia? How can you come alongside families like these to provide physical and emotional support?

[1] Howard Eyrich and Judy Dabler, The Art of Aging: A Christian Handbook (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2006), 112. [2] Marshall Asher and Mary Asher, The Christian’s Guide to Psychological Terms, Second Edition (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2014), 57. [3] Eyrich, The Art of Aging, 75.

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