Friend, I hope you’ll love this replay of one of my popular posts. I made a few edits and changed the photo but my heart on friendship remains true. Jill Savage and her daughter Annie have a new book on moms and friendship. It’s titled Better Together: Because You’re Not Meant to Mom It Alone.You might want to check it out.
The one thing every friend needs is. . .someone who accepts our messiness and loves us in the messy.
Let’s be honest. Friendships scare you and me.
Friendships meet a God-given need for relationship, so why do few women make friends as easily as my college-aged daughter Julia? She collects friends like shiny pennies. She and her friends — girls and guys — always text, tweet, snap chat, and meet IRL (in real life) over lunch, dinner, snacks, more snacks — all their waking hours.
Could some of your and I fear we’re too messy to be lovable? accepted? to have a place of belonging?
Why a Friend Matters
A friend is “someone you feel close to, see often, and can count on when you need her” This is a definition Dee Brestin shared in her iconic book, The Friendships of Women.
And who doesn’t have a messy life? Sometimes “super women” look like that they have it all together. They don’t. They’re hiding behind masks. Perhaps perfection or busyness or materialism or career-climbing.
Please be assured that they’re messy too.
Listen to Elyse Fitzpatrick, a biblical counselor, conference speaker, and author:
Until recent years, even though I knew I was to serve God, I never had my priorities straight. I never understood that my problem was me — not my husband, job, kids, car, parents . . .you fill in the blanks. I was confused and the psychological pholosophies that had crept into my thinking were making things worse. Didn’t I neeed to learn to love myself? Didn’t I need to get my needs met? Didn’t I have a need for romance? For security? For significance? How could God expect me to pour my life out for others then I was so miserable myself? Didn’t I need to fill my own ‘love cup’ before I could fill others? (from Women Helping Women, Harvest House, 1997)
After digging deep into the Bible for God’s truth, her focus changes and she recognizes her messiness and the solution to it.
Now I understand that I’m not to be concerned with whether my perceived ‘needs’ are being met. These ‘needs’ are not issues for me anymore because I believe that God have given me everything for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). It’s not that I’m perfect, I’m not. In fact, I’m far more aware of my sin now than ever before. It’s just that life makes sense now and I’m confident that my loving Father is in control.
Yes, she needs friends. Just as I do and you do.
Real friends.Our real friends give hugs and listen when we have real hurts and laugh with us not at us. Because they listen, our friends encourage and strengthen us. They help us know we are not alone.
Do you have a friend you encourages you? How do you encourage your friends? Hugs? Notes? Listening? Laughing?
Are You Friend “Challenged”?
God is piloting me through a friend-free zone now, and I don’t like it. My once close friends got busy and I got busy too — with work, with family responsibilities. Does your busy life make time for friends? How can you schedule in friend time so you can encourage her and be encouraged?
I cried to God, “I feel friendless and I don’t like it.”
The Lord spoke to my heart: “Come to Me.”
Quiet sharpens my hearing.
Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10, NIV
I sensed that the Lord will renew friendships and bring new ones. . .in his time. He’s giving me another opportunity to trust him. Do you feel friend challenged too? If so does this bring on feelings of worthlessness?
You Matter
Whether you have a bazillion girlfriends like my daughter, Julia, or just a few — or none — God says you matter. When friendships become hurtful, you matter.
After a mistake that hurts someone, isn’t it mind boggling that you can have forever forgiveness?
This forever forgiveness is an amazing gift Jesus gives to those who love him.
Jesus says all your mistakes (i.e., your ugly sin) are forgiven — past, present, andfuture.
Tomorrow’s jealous glance at the neighbor’s shiny Lexus? Forgiven. Next month’s hurtful words? Forgiven.A lie a year from now? Forgiven. Cheating on your taxes in 2023? Forgiven.
Even Future Sins?
Yes.
When Jesus obeyed his heavenly Father, went to the cross, and died for the sins of the world (John 3:16), every single one of your mistakes was in the future. Long, long before you blossomed to life and snuggled deep in your momma’s womb.
Before you ever thought to swipe the car keys without permission. Or inhale a funny, sweet smelling cigarette. Or read erotica.
What Are the 3 Things to Do?
1.When your ugly is against another person, go to her and ask her (or his) forgiveness.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
As appropriate, pay for what you broke or lost and otherwise make good. Admit you lied or gossipped or cheated. Yes, this means replacing the cute shoes you wrecked too. And the dark chocolate you snatched without asking.
No worries that you might forget a sin against another person. The Holy Spirit will lovingly point out your grievance and encourage and strengthen you to act in accordance with who you are in Christ.
2. When your ugly is against God — and all sins are against God — genuinely thank Jesus. Thank him for dying in your place so you could have eternal life. (Romans 3:10).
3. Then do a spiritual U-turn. A 180 degree turn. You were headed off the cliff. God helped you think rightly and you’re walking away from sin and toward holiness. Tell Jesus that you were not acting like a child of the Most High God when you messed up big time. Even a little sin stands sequoia high next to our holy God.
One More Thing
God knows. He gets it. He loves you. You are forgiven.
Huge, this cross. Amazing, his sacrifice.
P.S. If you’d like more practical encouragement, pleas sign up for my blog or my newsletter. I care.
Friends are water to the soul. They lift you up and nourish you. Which is better for your overall well-being? In-real-life (IRL) friends or online friends? Or does it matter?
A scare-your-pants-off article in Newsweek hints that online friendships can be bad for you. Why? Spending time online — and thus sites like Facebook — may rewire your brain, resulting in loneliness, depression, even psychosis. Is this true?
Are online friendships bad for your health? Put another way, should you close your Facebook account? Today?
Ah, no.
Here is the view of another journalist who also looked at the scary research and takes a common-sense approach to spending time online.
What God Says
More important, what does God say about friendships?
Listen to this:
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)
and this:
The righteous choose their friends carefully,
but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26)
and this verse too:
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame. (1 Corinthians 15:33,34)
By the way, there is no biblical command to avoid online friends. . .for good reason. 😉
Choose Friends Wisely
The meaning of these bible verses is clear: Spend your time with friends who are becoming more and more like Christ. You and I tend to model the words, actions, and thinking of the people we hang with. Of course, it’s all right — even good — to be in the company of sinners. Jesus was. This brief passage shows him breaking bread with messy people.
Like Jesus, when you and I have friends who do not love Jesus, our purpose needs to be this: putting their most important need first, that is, knowing Christ.
Nothing beats a hug from a reach-out-and-touch friend in good times and in tough times, and ((((hug))))) typed in a Facebook status is nice but not the same. Agree?
Also, in the bible, we hear this instruction:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:24,25).
The upshot: Make and keep Christian girlfriends.
Online Friends
Check out these stories of my kids’ assertion that my Facebook friend aren’t real friends AND how I met an online girlfriend in person and why it was meaningful to me. Hugs, tears, and more hugs, more tears. . .and my husband’s Cheshire cat smile.
Friends, please stop by my Facebook page — Lucy Ann Moll, Christian Counselor
Let’s Chat
What influence has Facebook and other “friend” sites has on your IRL (in real life) friendships?
God can fix your friendship. Here are two ways to help. And one way you shouldn’t.
During high school my two best friends and I ate lunch together, talked on the phone every evening, and shared quirky inside jokes. Yep, best friends until senior year. The summer before senior year, they met boys.
College boys.
While the couples whooped it up, I felt forgotten, hurt, and lonely. I don’t think my friends meant to hurt me. Still, they picked him and him and I was dust in the wind.
Has a friend hurt you? How do you fix your friendship? Should you?
With God’s power you can mend a broken friendship by one of two ways. (In one case, you shouldn’t. . .unless the Holy Spirit nudges you to fix it.)
1. Cover with Love
If the wound is not deep, or you feel compelled, then cover an offense with love.
I was able to do this with my two high school friends. They didn’t mean to hurt me, and I had other friends to hang with. But I still missed them and the way it used to be. I had to let go of my dream that we’d continue as best buds through graduation.
Love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
So when you can and as the Holy Spirit empowers you, let the hurt go. Let love cover the offense. Letting go can lead to restoration.
2. Confront with Love
Years ago, serving as a women’s ministry director, my team and I made a decision to switch the day of our morning Bible study for several good reasons. At least we thought so.
However, one women was angry with our decision and phoned each women in the bible study, complaining about the day change and me. I felt hurt and angry.
Eventually, she and I talked privately. We confronted one another in love. I apologized that the change took her by surprise, that I should have communicated better with everyone. She apologized for gossiping.
Our friendship was never the same. We became careful around each other, fearing more hurt. It was as mended as could be at that time.
Solomon said, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love,” and “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Proverbs 27:5,6.
And When You Probably Should Run
Let’s say the offense was huge, bigger than the Grand Canyon, and you no longer trust her. An obvious example: She bedded your husband and is happy she did. A less obvious example: She tells lies about you and you confront her, but she does not repent and continues her lying.
When there’s no remorse, you can forgive the offender but you can withdraw for the destructive relationship.
Here are helpful scriptures.
Proverbs 18:24 — “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is afriend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Psalm 41:9 — “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me.”
Most of All, You Need. . .
Jesus!
Do you remember this hymn? Let’s the words wash over you and comfort you. I also included a link to the music.
WELCOME back to my SUPER SELF CARE series! Today is the finale. I pray you enjoyed reading this series as much as I loved writing it. Keep reading to hear the name of the big book giveaway AND a special announcement.
During this eight-week series, I promised a big book giveaway of five books Christian women love to a reader who left at least one comment on a SUPER SELF CARE post and whose name I chose randomly. (Each comment counted as one entry into the giveaway.) And the winner is. . .
Becca!
A Southern gal who loves Jesus, dogs, and her friends, Becca commented on several posts in the series, increasing her chances to win. Her name was drawn by random. Congrats, Becca. The box of five books Christian women love will land at your home next week.
The Top 3
Here are links to the most popular posts in the eight week series, based on page views. They are:
With a personal concern for self care — remember, self care is NOT selfish as long as you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus — I’m making a special offer:
A 20-minute counseling intro with me at no cost to you.
If you’re considering this free offer, please stop by my counseling information page. You’ll gain a better understanding of biblical counseling and why it’s powerful and effective in hope and healing the heart. Send me a message and say why you want to try biblical counseling. I’ll contact you within the week. To send a message, click here.
May I pray for you?
Heavenly Father, your daughter is wonderfully and fearfully made. She is your masterpiece, fashioned to do good works that you’ve planned for her in advance. Help your daughter to reach out for godly counsel if this is your will for her now. Give her peace that surpasses understanding. May she know true contentment in you and experience the abundant life you have for her. Amen.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10
