Growing Gospel-Centered Friendships

Growing Gospel-Centered Friendships

Do you desire gospel-centered friendships? If you’re a Christian, you probably want good friends who love the Lord like you do. Friendship is a gift.

Biblical counselor Shannon Kay McCoy, featured on my Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, shares her stories of friendships. Her article appeared first here on The Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permission. (Edited for length.–LAM)

“Taking a break from our friendship.” That was the title in the subject line of an email I received from a dear friend. My jaw dropped and my heart sank. It felt weird—like a boyfriend breaking up with me in grade school.

First, she stated how much she appreciated our friendship; then proceeded to explain why she needed to take a break. She expressed her understanding of how busy I was with my daughter, work, etc., but felt that I had been “rude” and “flaky” about planning to spend time together and then cancelling due to other conflicts.

Although I was offended, she was right. At the end of the email, she left open the possibility to continue our friendship “at another time or season in life that is maybe less busy.”

It was clear what she needed from me; however, life got busier and I wasn’t able to give to her what she was asking. I received that email a year ago and my heart still aches over it.

God Made Us for Friendships

Friendships play an important role in our lives. From early childhood, children naturally gravitate toward forming bonds with other children. This tendency continues into the teens years and adulthood.

God created us as relational beings. He put the desire for friendship in our hearts. Just as God instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve, He instituted friendship.

However, just as Adam and Eve marred God’s purpose for marriage, the Fall marred God’s purpose for friendship.

A Friend of God

Webster defines friendship as a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. God’s illustration of friendship goes a lot deeper.

He demonstrated a depth of intimacy when He spoke to Moses “face to face, just as a man speaks to his friend” (Exodus 33:11). God expressed such grace and kindness to Moses on a deeper level than a master to a servant. He entrusted Moses with a greater revelation of Himself. Imagine having a relationship with God like that!

Yet the fact is we do have that kind of friendship with God through Jesus Christ:

No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you (John 15:15).

Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection has given believers extraordinary access to the heart of God making us His friend for whom Christ laid down His life (John 15:13). Everything we have in Him, He wants us to give to others.

God gives the gift of friendship.

This type of friendship is gospel-centered. Our relationship with Jesus Christ is the bedrock on which gospel-centered friendships are based. The gospel is the power of God that transforms our earthly friendships. It frees us to be the kind of friend people need.

Characteristics of Gospel-Centered Friendships

Christ-centered

Gospel-centered friendships are centered on Christ. They are chosen by God. Here’s a story of a Christ-centered friendship.

1. A story of meeting — and missing.

Jan was a new employee. When I first saw her, I was immediately drawn to her. I knew I had to meet her.

A few weeks later, I approached her to introduce myself. Right away we became instant friends. To my delight, she was a Christian.

We both had great love and affection for Jesus Christ. We also encouraged each other in Christ, enjoyed discussing Scripture, and spoke from a Christian worldview. Our friendship grew based on that common ground.

And so we became kindred spirits and prayer partners. We took our workplace frustrations and walked the parking lot in prayer. We also experienced God’s great power in answer to our prayers.

Everyone at work knew we had a special friendship so that when she announced that she was moving, my coworkers approached me with sympathy. Now we only communicate occasionally. God had a purpose for our friendship for a season.

Although we don’t talk everyday like we used to, she is my gospel-centered friend for eternity.

Redemptive

Gospel-centered friendships are redemptive. Here’s a story of restoration after betrayal.

2. A story of betrayal and healing.

Linda and Nancy had a friendship that was thirty-years deep—until Nancy’s betrayal.

Linda was unable to attend the women’s Bible study for several weeks due to personal painful circumstances. Then she found out that Nancy told several women in the Bible study about her situation. So she dropped out of the Bible study and avoided Nancy at church.

They didn’t speak for two years. Linda heard from a mutual friend that Nancy was battling cancer. Linda’s heart was broken for her friend. God used Ephesians 4:32 to convict Linda’s heart—

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Linda laid aside her resentment and chose to forgive Nancy. God restored their friendship.

Sacrificial

Gospel-centered friendships are sacrificial. They are an investment of the heart. Here’s a story of sacrificial friendship.

3. A story of friendship during a difficult divorce.

After my husband left our marriage, I went through a three-year depression. Somewhere in the midst of that depression, I was talking to my dear friend on the phone who lived an hour away. I can still picture it.

There I was sitting on my bedroom floor sifting through a pile of bills and paperwork. I have no idea what I said or sounded like, but my friend told me that she was driving down to take my little daughter to the mall so that I can have some time to myself. (I think she felt sorry for my daughter being cooped up with a sad mommy!)

God used that time alone with me to get my attention. Through many tears and wrestling with God, a decision was made in my heart to release the pain and embrace Him.

I began to come out of my depression. Thanks to my friend’s sacrificial love and investment in our friendship, I was able to connect with God again. Indeed, she is truly a friend that loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17).

Join the Conversation

So what type of friendships are you cultivating? Do you drive your friends to God or to yourself? How has this blog topic changed your view of friendships?

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Handling Conflict Well in a Friendship

Handling Conflict Well in a Friendship

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP TURNS SOUTH, what’s the best way to respond?

Two thoughts may come to mind immediately.

1. Drop your friend.

2. Stick it out and repair the friendship.

Which one seems best? What choice have you made in the past when a friend has hurt you? And is there an even better solution than these two?

Friendship Coach Chimes In

Best-selling author Dee Brestin wrote The Friendships of Women, which has sold over a million copies. By this book and her bible studies she has mentored many women through problem friendships as well as loneliness. She writes,

As roses vary from quiet pink to sunny yellow to razzmatazz red, so do women. And when you draw near to a woman, she will often quite willingly open to you petal after petal of fragrant loveliness.

But lurking beneath the glossy, green leaves of roses are surprisingly nasty thorns. After experiencing a few jabs into your soft, tender flesh, you handle roses with more respect. A dedicated rose gardener, one who believes that the glory of the rose more than compensates for the occasional wounds it inflicts, learns to bear the pain and to handle roses in such a way that she is seldom stabbed.

Lovely roses with pointy, blood-thirsty thorns? Even the thought of it freaks me out. Often when hurt, I back away. But is this best? Perhaps I’m protecting myself when I should investigate what’s going on. Maybe she didn’t even know she hurt me.

And what about you? When was the last time you were jabbed by a friend? How did you handle the pain?

When a Friend Did NOT Meant to Hurt You

Very often we feel hurt — and a friendship may be in rocky ground — when something minor happens. Common culprits for hurt feelings include:

A careless remark.

A forgotten invitation.

An unexplained silence.

A last-minute cancelled plan.

A misunderstanding

Hurt feelings – as painful as they are – confirms Scripture, that each of us has a fallen nature. Indeed, we’re all in trouble and need help.

The gospel of Jesus Christ transforms lives. Yes, this good news of his life, death, resurrection, and ascension has an astonishing effect on you and me. It says God first loved us. And we who love Jesus are loved by God. We are his daughters — despite the messy mistakes we make and the friends we hurt. When possible let love cover your hurt. The apostle Peter wrote,

Love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

But what does this mean?

Yes, God sent his Son to cover our sins and to remove them as far from us as the east is from the west. But this is not likely the meaning here. In this context, Peter is talking about interpersonal relationships among Christians. It’s a dual kind of grace to which he is calling us. In other words, we think charitably of one another and assign the best of motives to the other’s actions.

So don’t sweat “the small stuff.”
SOLUTION: When unintentionally hurt by a your friend, let love cover the hurt and keep your friendship. Tell her, lovingly, that she hurt your feelings. Talk it through. And guess what? You’ll grow closer.

When a Friend Meant to Stab!

What’s a solution when your friend turned enemy, and she actually meant to slice and dice?

Right away, I think of Janna and our bible study fiasco. Many years ago, when I served as women’s ministry director at a church and the team decided to move the day of our study for the upcoming semester, Janna had a behind-the-scenes fit and told a mutual friend. You see, she highly valued the women’s bible study but the new day didn’t work for her. And I was hurt by her gossip.

I never meant to leave her out. However, the team also had failed to survey the women from the previous semester about days.

After a difficult conversation where Janna and I each confessed where we went wrong, our friendship survived. In fact, the team decided to have two bible studies that year.

Tough but needed: forgiveness!

SOLUTION: Find a female biblical counselor or mentor at your church to talk through your hurt feelings. Then discuss how to set up a discussion with your former friend. It may be best to have your mentor with you during the discussion. As always, talk with God in prayer before you meet.

An excellent resource is Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:13b

heart

Outside my door, I had a rose bush with the most beautiful magenta blossoms. It also had nasty thorns. When stabbed, I don’t take it personally. The rose bush is just being itself. Thorns and all. This is the nature of the rose bush.

So it is with friendships. They are not perfect and never will be. (And sometimes they are best ended. But that’s another post.)

COUNSELING: Are you hurting from a broken relationship? Contact me for Christ-centered biblical counseling.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

FRIENDSHIPS: Are They Overrated?

friendshipsFriendships–Are Christian friendships overrated? Does it sometimes seem that going it alone is safer, happier, even better? Biblical counselor Suzanne Holland, listed on this site’s Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, answers this common question and gives hope. Her article appeared first here and is used with permission.

hope icon

“Do I Really Need Friends?”

A newcomer to our church asked this question after she happened to mention to me that she lacked close friends in the area. Though she’d lived here for many years, she still had not really established any relationships beyond the surface of small talk and playdate arrangements with other moms.

She added that she really gets all the advice and encouragement she needs from blogs and of course, her daily Bible reading. What do you think? Are friendships something we truly need? Or are they just a bonus that a few of us enjoy if we are so blessed?

When I took the time to think about it later, lining up the question with biblical truth, I came to the conclusion that we really do need friends.

The first thing that came to mind that makes friendships a need, rather than a desire or a bonus, is that we are created in the image and likeness of God. He is always in fellowship with the Son and the Holy Spirit, isn’t he?. In fact, they are so closely related that the Bible says that they are one Being in three Persons.

God is a Person who is in fellowship. This seems to indicate to me, since we are made in His image, that friendships and the fellowship that results from them would be a true biblical need for us as His children.

Examples of Friendships in Scripture

There are many examples of deep and lasting friendships in Scripture. Some are David and Jonathan, and Elijah and Elisha. Others are Paul with Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Onesimus, and Silas (and probably many others).

You could also list Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. And the friends of the paralytic who lowered him down through the roof. Then there are Dorcas and her sewing circle, and of course, Jesus, John, Peter,and the other disciples.

You could probably go on for a long time listing accounts of friendships that are mentioned in the Bible. Now, if the Bible is to be our guidebook for life, don’t you think that it indicates that friendships and fellowship among believers are to be pursued? It sure seems that way to me.

Impediments to Friendship

If all this is true, then why do so many believing women seem to be lone rangerettes? Are there exceptions to this apparent biblical rule of life? I doubt it.

I think there are several reasons that a woman may choose to go it alone:

First, in my experience some women just do not want to make the investment to have and to be a friend. Maybe they’ve been betrayed in the past, and they just are not willing to open up on that level to someone else. Perhaps they are burdened by heavy trials, such as chronic illness or pain, and they don’t believe they have the energy for a deep friendship. Maybe they are consumed with work or ministry, and simply do not have the time that it takes to maintain a deep and meaningful friendship.

Second, some women are unwilling to deal with the ups and downs of friendship. Perhaps they are easily offended or overly sensitive, and so they back away at the first indication that this relationship may not be perfect. A missed call, an overlooked text message, or even just the fact that a new friend didn’t seek them out on Sunday morning to say hello may be enough to make these women back off and decide not to pursue deeper fellowship with an individual. The risk is just too great.

Questions to Consider

If you see yourself in any of these descriptions, I’d like to challenge you today with some questions.

  1. What do you think is the reason you have chosen not to bring people into your life on a deeper level? Here are some heart level questions to help you sort this out:
  2. What do you think might happen if you allow people to really know you?
  3. Are you concerned with what they might think of you if they really knew you?
  4. If your life is too busy for friends, what might be the reason you have filled it up so completely?
  5. Is it possible that you have done this purposefully, so that you always have a reason why you can’t get together with someone? Are you insulating yourself?
  6. If you are unable to deal with the emotional aspects of friendship, what might be the heart behind that?
  7. Is there a lack of trust in God and His sovereignty over your relationships?
  8. Have you allowed your view of self to drift so far from a biblical one (your identity in Christ) that you would allow others to determine your value based on your performance in a friendship?

My Challenge to You

This Christian life can be really hard at times, my blog reading friend. I’m sure that you already know that, but it’s worth stating as I conclude my challenge to you today.

Blogs, books, and podcasts are helpful tools, but they cannot you on when you’re struggling, make you laugh when you’re taking yourself too seriously, or put their arms around you when you are falling apart. Only a true friend—one who knows you and is known by you—can do these things.

More importantly, those things that you’re relying on instead of seeking friendships will not ask anything of you. They don’t need you to encourage, exhort, rebuke, support, or build them up in any way. These are all things we are commanded by the Bible to do for one another. If you do not have friends, you are not doing these things, nor can you. Refusing to have or be a friend means you are disobeying biblical commands about fellowship and being a part of the body of Christ.

If you find yourself in the league of lone rangerettes, I hope you will think on these things and prayerfully consider seeking out a biblical friendship today.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

Facing Conflict? 6 Steps to Peacemaking!

conflictCONFLICT: No one likes it but it is impossible to avoid! So what’s the solution? In this post by guest writer and counselor Ellen Castillo, you’ll discover six steps to peacemaking. By the way, peacemaking is NOT peacekeeping. Big difference! 

Her article appeared first here on her website and is used with permission. Ellen also listed here on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory

Conflict. It’s one of those words that makes us cringe and shrink back in denial and fear.

Too often our gut reaction when someone confronts us with an offense is to defend ourselves. Even if we were in the wrong, we tend to want to cover it up. (That is nothing new, read about Adam and Eve!) We try to justify ourselves, blame someone else, avoid the problem, and the list goes on. We stand ready with excuses in hand, armed for the battle, fully intending to win it.

God offers us a better way. He offers us the way of grace. He extends grace to us and we are to extend it to others. The Bible is very clear regarding how we are to respond to conflict. We can draw from Scripture these

Six practical steps to use when we face conflict:

1. Remove the log.

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:5

Before you engage in any discussion that will involve pointing out another’s sin, be sure that you have prepared your heart. In order to enter that conversation with proper motives and a forgiving attitude, you will need to admit your own failure in the relationship, acknowledge your own sin issues, and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. It takes two to have a conflict and rarely is there only one guilty party.

Confess, repent, admit, and seek forgiveness. Only then are you able to have the right motives for confronting someone with the goal of reconciliation.

2. Admit weakness and failure.

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Proverbs 28:13

Again, own up to your part in the conflict. You need God’s mercy as much as the other person. Total honesty prepares your heart and presents your case in a way that is much more likely to be received.

This is the way of humility. Pride in your heart will hinder reconciliation. Humility opens the doors of communication that can lead to reconciliation.

3. Don’t promise to do better next time.

But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation. James 5:12

The truth is, you will fail again. You are a sinner and so am I. We can seek God to help us to deal with our relationships in a godly manner but we will never achieve perfection. Sin has messed up that possibility. You can ask for help, accountability, and avail yourself to some input. But you cannot promise to “do better” because you probably won’t.

God’s grace is sufficient for that. We are to have integrity (let our yes be yes) but there are consequences to making a promise that we cannot keep.

4. Grant grace no matter who is in the wrong.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31

Approaching a guilty sinner with an attitude of grace is critical to the healing of conflict. You, too, are a guilty sinner. It is a level playing field at the foot of the cross. We tend to forget that when we are ready to win a battle in conflict. It is easy to believe we are the innocent party as we aim to accuse and admonish someone. Whether that person has truly sinned and needs to repent or not, grace in your approach is critical and healing.

5. Offer solutions, not accusations.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. 2 Timothy 3:16

In order to reconcile, we need to do more than simply pointing out the problem that brought conflict. Reconciliation is only possible when there is a plan put in place to work towards rebuilding relationship. That plan will be useful only if it is based on God’s Word. God’s Word has the answers to our relationship struggles.

An excellent resource for how to resolve conflict biblically is the Peacemaker ministries (founded by Ken Sande.) There you will find biblical solutions to conflict that are not only rooted in biblical principles but also practical in nature and ready to be put in to practice.

6. Purpose to be reconciled.

Better yet, to be restored to full relationship.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

This verse speaks for itself. Do whatever you possibly can to reconcile a conflict. If the other person does not reciprocate, that is not your responsibility. They are responsible for their own sin, and you are responsible only for yours. At the end of the day, have you done everything you can to resolve conflict?

God has called us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers. 

Peacekeepers want to avoid conflict, and will do whatever it takes to do so.

Peacemakers want to resolve conflict, and will do whatever God’s Word teaches to do so.

Scripture teaches peacemaking, not peacekeeping!

Reconciliation between believers is a picture of The Gospel. If we keep this in mind and remember it is not about us, but it is about glorifying God, we will be more motivated to reconcile. When we reconcile with people, we are also reconciled to God Himself.

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:18

Is there a conflict in one of your relationships? If so, take Romans 12:18 to heart and become a peacemaker today.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

True Friends: Making and Keeping a True Friend

true friendsTRUE FRIENDS: Aren’t they hard to find? In this article by Kelly Needham, which appeared here and is used with permission, discover the 5 marks of true Christian friendship.–LAM

heart

True friends are hard to find.

They stick closer than family, and often know you better. They pray bigger things for you than you pray for yourself. They believe with you when your faith is weak. They make space for you when life falls apart, and they rejoice with you when all is well. Most importantly, true friends remind you in every encounter who and what is most important.

The essence of Christian friendship is companionship forged in the fire of two convictions: 1) Jesus alone can satisfy the soul and 2) his kingdom alone is worth living for.

Enemies in Disguise?

Jesus is our Bread of Life, our Living Water, our Pearl of Great Price, our Light, our Resurrection, our very Life. The greatest danger to our souls is that we might abandon abiding in him, following him, and finding our joy in him. Therefore, the best gift a friend can give is a commitment to fight for our joy in and communion with Christ.

Conversely, the worst distortion of friendship arises when a friend encourages us, consciously or unconsciously, to place our affections elsewhere. The apostle Peter unwittingly acts out this kind of distortion in Matthew 16. Jesus tells his disciples that he will die and rise again (Matthew 16:21). Peter rebukes Jesus with what was surely a well-intentioned comment from a loyal friend: “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you” (Matthew 16:22).

It looks like the deepest, most genuine, most beautiful form of friendship, but Peter’s words put him between Jesus and his obedience to the Father. His ignorance made a friend into an enemy, at least for a moment. “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me” (Matthew 16:23). What Peter thought was helpful, Jesus called a hindrance. What Peter assumed was godly friendship, Jesus called satanic opposition.

Five Marks of Christian Friendship

So, how can we avoid Peter’s mistake in our friendships? How can we be a friend who preserves and strengthens the faith of others? Here are five distinct ways that true Christian friendships bolster our love for Christ through our love for one another.

1. True friends heighten our joy in God.

Companionship always deepens joy. My favorite movie is good when watched alone, but it’s better with a friend. Somehow a great meal is more satisfying when shared. We naturally drag our friends into what we enjoy: “You have to see this movie!” “You have to come to this restaurant with me!”

But of all the joys of life, God is the greatest! We were made for him — to enjoy him and center our hearts and lives on him. And like any other joy, our joy in God will be fullest when we share it with other people. Christian friends help us enjoy God by enjoying him with us.

It’s tempting to flip and distort this formula by using God as a means to enjoy people more. If we only go to him to ask for spouses, friends, or kids to enjoy, it reveals we see God as the means to someone else. We should be doing the opposite: looking for more of him in other people. Ironically, we will enjoy our friends more, the more our friendships become a means of enjoying God.

2. True friends expose sin in us that keeps us from God.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)

Sin deceives us. It darkens our understanding and makes us fools. So much so that we may be walking in sin and convinced that we are obeying God (think of the Pharisees). This is why we desperately need friends.

We need friends to lovingly show us our sin. We need friends to help us see our blind spots. We need friends to speak with brutal honesty (Matthew 18:15) and tender compassion (Galatians 6:1), telling us the truth about ourselves even when we don’t want to hear it (Ephesians 4:15).

This is a vital function of community that few people want. We’d much rather have friends who always tell us what we want to hear, who show us the false grace of excusing sin and give us false hope that we can grow closer to God without repentance. But because sin is a poison to our souls and a thief of our joy in God, we cannot afford to forsake this kind of friendship.

3. True friends encourage us to obey God.

Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24; see also Hebrews 3:13)

While it is true we need friends to help us see any disobedience, we also need them to spur us on to obedience. Often, obedience to God takes more courage than we can muster alone. Without the faithful cheerleading of Christian friends, we easily shrink back into stagnant apathy, not wanting to willfully disobey, but also too afraid to step out in faith.

The encouragement we are told to give isn’t flattery, or superficial inspiration. En-courage-ment is giving courage and strength to others for the intimidating task before them. We cast a bigger vision for why their obedience matters for God’s kingdom. We affirm that their obedience glorifies God and counts in eternity.

Whatever form it takes, encouragement motivates others to continue running the specific race God has marked out for them.

4. True friends bring us to God in our weakness.

Behold, some men were bringing on a bed a man who was paralyzed, and they were seeking to bring him in and lay him before Jesus, but finding no way to bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and let him down with his bed through the tiles into the midst before Jesus. (Luke 5:18–19)

Walking through life in a God-belittling world, with our sin-ridden flesh, against a hell-bent enemy, is too hard to be attempted alone. Alone, we easily believe the lies of Satan. Alone, we buckle under the weight of our sin. Alone, we grow discouraged and weary. Like the paralytic, we need the help of other believers to carry us to God.

So, how can we bring others to God? We listen to a sister confess a hidden sin and wash her with the truth that Christ has cleansed her and made her whole. We can meet the practical needs of those enduring intense suffering in Jesus’s name. Or we can simply bring our friends to God in prayer, asking him to do greater things in their lives than we can do for them.

5. True friends love us for the glory of God.

 Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

The world’s idea of intimacy in friendship is making much of one another: “I can’t live without you!” Compliments and pledges of devotion quickly give a brief and false adrenaline rush of importance and significance. We certainly need to encourage and affirm one another, but Christian friends should be far more focused on God’s weight and significance — not their own or their friend’s.

Like everything else, the end goal of our friendships should be God and his glory. Since our hearts are prone to wander away and worship other things, we need these constant reminders of his glory and his worth in our friendships.

Sharing Hope with Your Heart,

Find GOD's Freedom from Anxiety

 Get My FREE Anxiety Helper Pack!

Choice is a wonderful gift from God. You do NOT have to be stuck in self-focused anxiety. You can find God’s freedom.

You have Successfully Subscribed!